Harder To Breathe
It's not easy, opening yourself up and letting someone in. When you're young, you think you're invincible... That nothing can hurt you, and that you'll know instinctively the people that will. So you shy away from the suspected people, you keep your distance. But that's the funny thing about life; it has a way of biting you in the ass. The people you never expect, are always the ones to hurt you the most. They have a way of crushing your dreams and expectations, leaving you worthless and broken, wondering where it all went wrong. It's excruciatingly painful; it's the worst type of torture I can ever imagine. Splinters under finger and toe nails would be a walk in a park on a sunny day compared to this thing.
But in some ways I guess it's actually worse than torture, because it's not performed with any backing, there's no revenge or violence behind it, urging it on. It's completely accidental. It's not something that should be wished on anyone, no matter how much hate you have for them. Unfortunately, it's not something that you can switch off because you'll always end up loving them with every bit of your broken, pathetic, shattered heart. Each piece is a memory of the time I spent with them, whether it's a memory of a funny moment, an argument, or a weekend that you spent in huddled up under a duvet on the sofa watching movies with them.
Things change, people change. The memories that were made between two people become bitter lies and painful thoughts. Nothing is ever set in stone, no matter how much we want them to be. And because of that, people end up getting hurt, hearts get shattered and promises are broken. There's no booklet that comes with life; telling you how to live it and what you should and shouldn't do. As much as we'd like to believe that there are things in life that are plain black and white, everything has a secret meaning behind it. And most of the time, as much as it pains to admit it, it's bad. Nothing turns out the way we predict, the way we want it too.
It's not as simple as the movies make out, having your heart broken isn't something that you can get over by eating a whole tub of Ben & Jerry's. It's constant. The dull ache echoes through your body, slowly seeping through every single vein and battering your already beaten heart. Every touch that you ever had with the person becomes an injection of pain; the initial sting and then the after effect that creeps through your arteries, infecting every part of your soul and turning it bitter and cold. After a while, you do become used to it - as everyone would do with enough repetitive damage, but it still manages to hurt just as much as it always did. Your heart has a way of wrapping itself around your lungs and throat, restricting the air and causing you to feel hollow and empty, a pathetic former shadow of yourself. And it never gets easier, without them there you feel incomplete, like a part of you is missing. Without them there, it's hard to breathe.
Every heart break comes with a story; and this is the tale of two girls.
Brittany once looked at Santana like she'd just won the lottery. There was such intensity in Brittany's eyes; the cobalt blue sparkled like a bright star whenever they'd gaze at the caramel skinned beauty. It was if the blonde would move heaven and earth just to see a smile on that angelic face of the Latina's.
It was like Santana possessed wings that no-one else, apart from Brittany could see. It was never the look of two infatuated teenagers; it was a channel of devoted affection and eternal love. They used to look at each other like they could never love anyone else; because they were meant to be together, they were created on this earth to find each other, and love one another until the end of time.
But now the image that Santana has lodged in her brain isn't a repeat of the look that she's seen thousands of times before. The once gleaming blue eyes, were now empty and cold. The love that had once glazed them had been replaced with an eerie silence. Santana clutched at her legs, her forehead pressed tightly against her kneecaps. Perfectly manicured nails dug deep into her olive forearms, leaving ruby indentations whilst her tears left salty trails down her tanned cheeks.
The memory wrenched her heart, sinking her stomach further into her crumbled body. Her eyes were squeezed tightly; attempting to force out the memories along with the waterfall that covered her face. The pain clawed up from the deepest, darkest corners of her heart and clawed its way up her throat; leaving the brunette in deep, emotional agony that she couldn't escape.
"Why did she leave?"
The Latina breathed into the empty apartment that she'd become well accustomed to over the last eight months. The blondes presence still lingered, some of her possessions still remained locked inside the few rooms they'd once both called home. Santana sucked in a several deep breaths, hoping to fill her lungs with oxygen. Yet despite the attempt, no amount of oxygen could every really fill her weakened lungs. They were constricted, like a slow puncture had been formed and they were slowly collapsing - draining the life out of her.
"Let go Santana. Stop holding on."
Santana's sobs minimised, allowing the blur to fade from her eyes and the moonlight to pounce on her pupils. She squinted at the contact, slowly moving her head from left to right to examine the desolate space she lived in. Brittany's scent still clung to the furniture, impacting the miniscule space that remained inside the malfunctioning chest of the broken Latina. She was barely breathing with a broken heart that somehow managed to keep beating.
"Happy five year anniversary Britt."
Another broken whisper escaped her lips; the coffee brown eyes welled up once more before a tingle ran across her skin, diverting her gaze to the words scribbled onto her inner forearm. The black ink hanging onto her tanned skin where it would remain forever reading;
This too shall pass.
She'd got the tattoo two years ago, when she thought she'd encountered the worst possible thing she would ever endure - her father's death. The dancer had held her in her arms for four days straight, comforting her and being there for her as she had no idea what else to do. Whenever Santana had experienced anything bad, whenever she'd been going through tough times Britt had always been there for her.
But now, now on the anniversary of her and Britt's relationship, she was falling apart and the blonde was the reason. San's heart crumpled as the words processed through her mind, her stomach twisting and sending acidic liquid into her throat. Clenching her fists at the pain, she banged heavily against the floor with her fists, whimpering with agony.
A buzz rang throughout the silent hall, flowing into the bedroom where Santana lay broken on the floor. She somehow managed to summon the strength to pull herself up out of her depressive slumber and traipse through the corridor in search of her mobile.
Flicking up the lid she revealed a single name - Berry. A hollow breath departed her chapped lips as she sniffed in the sadness, attempting to return her cracked voice to her normal tone.
"Santana?" A high voice spoke; the Latina's right eye winced at the pitch before clicking several times on the side buttons, minimising the volume.
"Yeah," A sniff punctuated her sentence, "I'm here."
"Get ready, me, you and Quinny are going out tonight." She said firmly, my body screamed at the statement, giving me other ideas.
"Rach… I-I can't. N-not tonight." The tanned brunette stuttered, another sob escaped her lips as she bit down on her lower lip; in attempt to conceal it.
Rachel breathed in, listening to the sound of the tanned woman hidden sobs, which turned out not to be as quiet as the Latina had hoped. The smaller brunette glanced around her apartment before resting on a set of familiar hazel eyes that was listening in to the conversation.
A sad smile crossed her face and the blonde rose from the sofa, sauntering over to the stool situated beside her brunette. Quinn parted her lips, mouthing 'what' at the brunette in front of her.
"Do you need us to come over?"
The Jewish girl spoke; her face fell further as the blonde examined her face, acknowledging the going out proposal. Nerves started tingling around various body parts of both their bodies, the blonde's body shivering in response.
"Okay, well we're only ten minutes away if you need us. Please San, don't hesitate to call. The thought of you being alone breaks both our hearts."
Brown eyes glazed with sincerity as they stared into hazel ones. The phone dialled a consistent tone and the Jewish girl lowered the phone to the counter, releasing her grip on it.
"She's getting worse Q."
The short brunette spoke, a soft palm grazed the back of her hand sympathetically as the blonde replied;
"I know," A heavy sigh punctuated her sentence; "I didn't think it was possible."
They both sat in silence; listening to each other's breathing and pondering over the thoughts that ran through the Latina's brain. Quinn's thumb was rubbing over Rachel's knuckles, and a flutter ran through the blonde's body. As if Rachel sensed it, she leaned in to press a single kiss to bright pink lips.
"I don't ever want to lose you Quinn."
"You never will." The blonde replied; pressing a light kiss to the brunette's lips.
"Today would've been there 5 year anniversary. We can't leave her alone." The Jewish girl muttered against the blonde's lips after.
"Then let's go." Quinn said, standing up and offering her hand to the tiny brunette that sat on the black fabric corner couch. Rachel smiled and placed her hand into the blondes. They exited their studio apartment, armed with a few bottles of wine and a box of tissues - not knowing what lay ahead.
Remember to review please! I will not be writing another chapter until I have some feedback on whether I should carry it on or not! Thank you guys, hope you enjoyed!
Inspired by the song 'Broken' by Lifehouse. Such an amazing song, give it a listen whilst reading this! Truly emotional.