Disclaimer: Like everyone in this fandom, I don't own Transformers or the characters mentioned in this fic. If I did, well.. this would have been canon. Somehow.

This is based on an MSN RP between myself and my sister. Actually, the chat log below is a slightly edited transcript of that RP, so any discrepancy in characterization is a joint effort. At least for the log. After that it's all me. And if you were wondering, I was Red Alert.

And yes, I suppose you COULD skip the log and just go to the next chapter without that much of a loss, but come on. It's not there for decoration.

Warnings: Drunken shenanigans.. just.. drunken shenanigans. And a fat guy dies.


You are now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: Heeeeeeeeeeeeey

Stranger: Anyone out there?

Stranger: Hellooooooooooooooo?

Stranger: The closet is really slaggin boring =(

You: Who is this? Closet? What?

Stranger: Hey! =D Finally, someone else is on!

Stranger: What's up?

You: .. the.. sky.. is up

You: I suppose

Stranger: Ooooh a funny man

Stranger: Seriously though, who is this?

Stranger: TC?

Stranger: Can't be Screamer, he's "busy" with surveillance.

You: I.. uh..

You: I think I may be on the wrong frequency

Stranger: Really? How come?

Stranger: Hey can you send some down to lower levels to get me out of this closet?

Stranger: It's... kinda grody in here.

Stranger: I think 'Tex let a pet die in here.

You: Erm.. that does sound atrocious

You: but I don't think I'm in a position to do that

Stranger: TC why are you typing so weirdly?

Stranger: What kind of position ARE you in that you can't send someone to get your own trinemate out of a grody closet?

Stranger: Is it missionary?

Stranger: Are you fragging in my berth again?

You: Wait, what?

You: No

You: no that is not what I meant by position at all

Stranger: Well, what DO you mean?

Stranger: You're being awfully cagey about this

You: Cagey? I'm not cagey

You: You're cagey

You: I just meant.. well.. there may be a difference in locations a bit greater than you may think there is

You: Far greater

Stranger: =I

You: .. I don't know how to respond to that

Stranger: Who IS this?

Stranger: Shockwave?

Stranger: Oh Primus you aren't Shockwave are you?

Stranger: I swear I never meant for that Megatron blow up to go through the space bridge

You: Oh Primus

You: No

You: No I am not Shockwave

You: and I rather you hadn't mentioned anything of that nature

Stranger: Well then who ARE you?

Stranger: I can't think of any 'Cons further away from the base than Shockie.

You: That settles it

You: I am definitely on the wrong frequency

Stranger: =/ TELL ME

Stranger: Argh you're being an aft

You: Look, Skywarp

You: I can only assume that's you

Stranger: Yessssss?

You: I can't tell you who I am or where this transmission is coming from because then you might trace the signal and then Prime will KNOW I am the universe's worst security officer when a ton of cons show up at the front door AH SLAG WHY DO I KEEP TYPING

You: SLAG

You: SLAG

You: SLAG

You: FORGET

You: EVERYTHING

You: YOU JUST READ

Stranger: ... Red Alert?

You: SLAG

Stranger: What are you doing on this channel?

Stranger: ... why would I trace your signal?

You: Because

Stranger: Consider that one, I'm in a slagging closet.

Stranger: and two, I already know where your ship is

You: ...

You: I had completely forgotten about that

Stranger: Well I guess you can't send someone to come get me then, huh?

Stranger: Oh well.

You: Sorry

Stranger: Hello Mr. Skull with a grody mold toupe, how are you doing?

You: I believe it's spelled toupee

You: If.. that was even what you were trying to say

You: ... I am curious, however

You: Why are you in a closet?

Stranger: Um...

Stranger: Well, there was a cake...

Stranger: ...and Soundwave...

Stranger: ...and now my parts are hidden in about five different supply closets.

You: .. oh

You: oh dear

Stranger: Yeah.

Stranger: It's not that bad!

Stranger: He disabled my pain receptors this time.

Stranger: At least.

Stranger: And left my head and torso in one piece.

Stranger: And an arm.

Stranger: So really, not that bad at all.

You: I would assume you had an arm yes

Stranger: I dunno, I COULD be typing this with my glossa.

Stranger: And getting the keyboard all wet.

You: That.. is more than slightly disturbing

You: Although I would have to commend you on your expertise if it were true

Stranger: I've had some practice with it before =D

Stranger: Althout I end up typing worse than Screamer.

You: .. I did not need to know that

Stranger: Have you ever had a conversation with him?

Stranger: He never capitilizes anything, and he types like he's over-energized.

You: Considering I've never spoken to any Con on this device before today

You: ... that I know of

You: ... you wouldn't have heard anything going around your base about certain acts involving pineapples, would you?

Stranger: ...

Stranger: Wait.

Stranger: That was YOU?

You: SLAG

Stranger: REALLY?

You: FORGET YOU SAW THAT

Stranger: XDDDDD

Stranger: We all thought it was the twins!

Stranger: Wow. Wait 'til TC hears about this...

You: Oh Primus no no no

You: This never leaves this window

You: NEVER

You: KEEP IT IN YOUR CLOSET

Stranger: You know Dirge ended up in the medbay for a week after trying that?

You: Oh Primus

Stranger: He was so inspired.

You: That.. he.. oh slag

Stranger: I have some of the vids if you want me to send them to you.

You: NO

You: I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYTHING OF THE SORT

Stranger: XDDD Alright...

Stranger: I had no idea that you 'Bots could get on to this channel.

Stranger: Do y' think that Megs and Prime ever chat?

You: I was experimenting with primitive technology and frequencies, it will never happen again

You: never ever ever ever

You: ... although I suppose if the option was available they would

You: I can imagine many death threats and indescribable double entendres

Stranger: XDDD

Stranger: I don't know, maybe they just chat about Cybertron before "the waaaaaaaaaaar"

Stranger: And compliment each other like human schoolgirls

Stranger: "Hey Prime I have to say the way you shot down that fool Starscream was most inspiring today."

Stranger: "Why thank you Megatron. I did enjoy watching you weild your fusion cannon aginst my forces with such deadly percision"

You: ... why did that come with the image of our leaders in little girlish dresses

You: sipping tea

You: NO MIND NO

Stranger: XDDDD

Stranger: It fits sooooooooooo well

You: See

You: Now I can't STOP imagining it

You: It's going to be hard to hear Prime say "ROLL OUT" and all you can see is tea-sipping biddies

You: Girlishly twittering

Stranger: XDDD

Stranger: ...

Stranger: so

Stranger: You and Inferno...

Stranger: ... you got something going on?

You: What have you heard? WHO KEEPS TELLING YOU THESE THINGS

You: I mean

You: erm

You: perhaps

You: purely platonic

You: yes

Stranger: Oh? Is that denial I read?

Stranger: C'mon Red there's nothing wrong with chasing a nice piece of mech aft.

Stranger: Optimus does it all the time.

You: ...

Stranger: ALL THE TIME

You: I.. am not going to dignify that with a response

You: ... more than that

Stranger: ALLLLLLLLLl

Stranger: THEEEEEEE

Stranger: TIMEEEEEEE

Stranger: *pouts*

Stranger: Anyway, that's not I heard

Stranger: Among other things

Stranger: Are you REALLY that paranoid?

You: It's not paranoia

You: Merely being careful

You: Albeit more careful than what you would deem necessary I suppose

Stranger: Careful enough to think your team was going to use you for spare parts?

You: ... that was a bad day

You: I shudder to think of it

Stranger: Do you stop being paranoid when you're over-energized?

Stranger: Or do you get MORE paranoid?

Stranger: Do you get like Breakdown and just hide under a berth from everyone?

Stranger: IS it pitiful?

Stranger: IS there evidence?

You: I do believe you're asking one too many questions

Stranger: Alright, scratch the fourth question. It was redundant.

Stranger: What about the rest, huh?

You: I have not been over-energized in quite some time

You: ... that incident with the pineapples notwithstanding

Stranger: ... then that settles it.

Stranger: Next time we meet on the feild of battle, I'm going to get you over-energized.

Stranger: Somehow.

You: Primus no

Stranger: I don't think anyone would notice if I just... GRABBED you and flew off.

You: ... oh dear Primus they wouldn't

You: THAT'S IT I AM STAYING IN THE BASE FROM NOW ON

Stranger: Then I'm just going to have to go into the base and get you =)

Stranger: You can be the guest of honor at our next party!

Stranger: Screamer makes some mean high-grade

You: I'm sure he does

You: But no

You: I am not going to this party

You: and you coming into the base and abducting me for such purposes is frankly a terrifying thought

Stranger: ... then could I come have a party at YOUR base?

You: I don't think Prime would approve of that

Stranger: My trine can behave themselves!

Stranger: For a little while...

You: Unless your idea of a party involves shouting "INTRUDER ALERT" and being shot full of holes

Stranger: No, no it doesn't.

Stranger: You Autobots party hard.

Stranger: =/

You: We haven't had that many partiest to speak of

You: parties*

You: I made a point to avoid them after I woke up in the medbay as pretty much a head

You: I still have no idea what happened

You: but I still don't want to know

You: Although I'm not sure it happened AT a party

You: I do know parties were involved

You: .. somehow

Stranger: ...someone was playing "pin the head on the Red Alert"?

You: I don't know

You: They may have been playing basketball for all I know

Stranger: You couldn't have been in much worse state than ol' Megs after three of your teamates got the Heart of Cybertron out of him.

Stranger: It was one of the funniest things I had ever seen!

Stranger: We were all passed out in the desert and Megs comes flying back like his aft was on fire, screaming about tiny filthy Autobots crawling around inside his armor.

Stranger: Starscream eventually beat him over the head with Rumble until he passed out.

Stranger: BEST. NIGHT. EVER.

You: I think Perceptor told me about that

You: Obviously not the rest of it

You: .. I have to wonder why you were all passed out in the desert

Stranger: It was a party! Megs said something about attacking you guys in the morning, and then Soundwave started passing around the high-grade..

Stranger: ...and I don't remember much about that.

Stranger: *after

You: I can imagine

You: This is why I became a teetotaler

Stranger: Awww teetoling is for wimps and sparklings.

Stranger: Be a mech! Get over energized and cut loose!

You: Wimps and sparklings know where they are the next day

You: and don't have fruit wedged in odd places

You: It's bad enough trying to figure out what is or isn't a plot against me in some way

You: I don't want mysterious blackouts to become a facotr

You: .. factor

Stranger: You're such a stiffy.

Stranger: If you relaxed once in a while I'll bet you'd see that there are a lot less people "after your job" than you think.

Stranger: I mean, seriously. Security director?

Stranger: There CAN'T be a long line for that one.

You: I know.. but... it's a catch-22

You: If I DON'T relax, people think I'm hypervigilant and paranoid

You: If I DO, Prime is bound to think I've gone soft

You: and he WILL replace me

Stranger: Uh, Red, everyone already thinks you're hypervigilant and paranoid.

Stranger: So really your reputation can only improve.

You: Not if I'm out of a job

Stranger: =/ You're depressing

You: Then I will become that lazy slob in the corner with the fruit

You: and no one will ever take me seriously

You: ever again

Stranger: ... man I think you need some serious fruit counciling.

Stranger: I bet all your issues can be traced back to pineapples.

You: I don't even know how I came to obtain the pineapple in the first place

Stranger: Was it an Earth sized pineapple? Or Cybertronian?

Stranger: Becuase Dirge thought it was the latter and he used quanity to make up for the size differnece...

You: I.. I think we need to discuss something else now

You: not related to fruit

Stranger: *pout*

Stranger: ...

Stranger: Ever used a cucumber?

You: ... vegetables still count

Stranger: Vegetables aren't fruit!

Stranger: Well, most aren't fruit.

You: Tomatoes

You: Deceptive little vegefruit

Stranger: *sits down next to therapist couch* So, when did zis unhealthy obession with fruit begin?

You: Don't patronize me

You: I'm sure you've had plenty of strange objects in strange places that are worse than fruit

You: Or vegetables

You: Or vegefruit

Stranger: ... I wasn't being patronizing... =(

You: ... don't do that

You: Now I feel bad

Stranger: =(

You: SLAG

You: SLAG SLAG SLAG

You: Prime keeps looking this way

You: I think he knows

You: slag

Stranger: Hey man chill out.

Stranger: It's not like this chat logs names or locations.

Stranger: You didn't even know you were talking to a 'Con for a while.

You: HE'S GOING TO READ IT

You: HE'S GOIGN TO KNOW

You: AHSFASHTG

Stranger: Red?

Stranger: Red?

Stranger: Hey, Red Alert?

Stranger: You okay?

Stranger: ...

Stranger: slag it

Stranger: this closet is really groady you know

Stranger: and the skull is really creeping me out

Stranger: ..= (

Stranger: Where'd you gooooo?

Stranger: imlonely =(

You: sorry

Stranger: Red!

Stranger: =D

Stranger: Where'd you disappear to?

You: I think I may have found a closet similar to the one you're currently residing in

You: although instead of a skull it's that SLAGGING PINEAPPLE

You: but yes

You: I've locked the door

You: safe now

You: yes

Stranger: XDD So we're closet buddies now!

Stranger: well not really becuase to be real closet buddies I think you have to be in the same closet but nayway.

Stranger: You know if the pineapple is weirding you out you can put it in the hall or something.

Stranger: You've got to hands n' stuff

You: no

You: that would involve opening the door

You: I don't know why I'm doing this

You: I could have

You: just

You: closed the window

You: yet I just ran

You: like a sparkling

You: and hid in a closet

Stranger: ...

Stranger: If it makes up feel any better I'm glad you didn't close the window.

You: Yes I feel SO MUCH BETTER endangering my job to continue entertaining half a Seeker in a closet

Stranger: ...yay?

You: .. that was sarcasm

Stranger: ... =)?

You: that is not making it any better

Stranger: Oh.

Stranger: Um.

Stranger: Well, if you really will be in trouble it's okay if you go.

Stranger: I guess. I'm not sure if Optimus is as stritc on everyone as Soundwave, but I don't want you getting in trouble for "entertaining me".

Stranger: =)

You: No.. no.. it's fine

You: we're both alone now

You: so it's a bit less weird

You: I guess

You: to ease my panic

You: it is now your turn to tell me things

You: unfortunately I can't formulate questions

You: but I'm sure you can figure something out

Stranger: Well... what do you want to know?

Stranger: Secrets and stuff?

You: yes

You: I honestly don't care about the quality

Stranger: =D

Stranger: Well, Screamer recharge walks. You can just point him in a direction and he'll keep going like a human wind-up toy

Stranger: If he hits a wall he'll just fall over and stay there.

Stranger: Soundwave cannot STAND country music.

Stranger: I think I've seen him bleed from the optics after hearing it

Stranger: Megatron has a rubber ducky

Stranger: He talks to it

You: ... wait what

Stranger: I am dead serious. It is creepy as Pit.

You: So.. if he were to lose this duck.. would he merely be infuriated or would he collapse in a pile and weep?

Stranger: Infuriated

You: Oh

You: Darn

Stranger: Please please please please PLEASe

Stranger: don't

Stranger: take it or antything

You: Don't worry, I don't want to see Megatron in a murderous rage anymore than you do

Stranger: *nodnod*

Stranger: Dirge will try anything (as you should know *winkwink*)

You: DON'TBRINGTHATUP

Stranger: XDDDDD

You: Primus I had ALMOST calmed down and then you went and made me remember that

You: AND THAT PINEAPPLE IS STILL THERE

You: MOCKING ME

Stranger: Um... cover it with something?

Stranger: So you don't have to look at it?

You: there

You: I have no idea what that was

You: but it covers it nicely

You: so please continue

Stranger: =D

Stranger: Astrotrain is ticklish on his back, but he'll fall over on you if you try totake advantage of it

Stranger: Trust me, it's not worth it

Stranger: Ravage love anything with feathers. He has a nest of feathery things under Soundwave's berth.

Stranger: Hmm...

Stranger: Oh!

Stranger: And Screamer totally still has the hots for Skyfire.

You: ... I've heard things at night that would say the opposite is true

Stranger: Maybe we shuld get them over-energized and lock them in a warehouse somewhere.

Stranger: It could be worth it

You: If it would get the noises to stop, yes, that would be a lovely idea

Stranger: I hope it would mellow Screamer out.

Stranger: I swear, if any mech needs to get some 'facing it's him.

Stranger:All that rage? Yeah.

Stranger: =/

You: this conversation keeps getting weirder

Stranger: So who's the Autobot bicycle?

You: ...

You: .. I'm not going to answer that

Stranger: Is it Jazz?

Stranger: Or the twins?

You: I try to IGNORE any errant interfacing thank you very much

Stranger: BOTH twins?

Stranger: Tandem bicycle?

You: still not answering

You: I was getting through this section of the questionnaire nicely until I started to think about it AND THERE ARE SO MANY IMAGES

You: WRONG

You: AUGH

Stranger: XDDDDD

Stranger: Well, now I know what else to add to the activities list when I kidnap you for over-energizing.

You: what no

You: are you seriously still planning to kidnap me?

Stranger: Probably, yeah.

You: D:

Stranger: Don't worry, I won't mess you up any

Stranger: And my trine most likely won't do anything bad.

Stranger: Well, TC won't.

Stranger: We may need to get Screamer over-energized first...

You: please.. please don't

You: I know you may think this is an acceptable activity

Stranger: It's PARTYING

You: but I am not looking forward to being abducted and forced to over-energize

You: and anything else you have planned for me

Stranger: We shall keep any and all fruits, vegetables, and vegefruits far away from you

You: that is not the point

You: and I am insulted by your insinuation that I would immediately gravitate towards any of the above

Stranger: I'm not suggesting that you'd go for the fruits and things... but they might gravitate towards YOU.

Stranger: MAybe you put off some sort of fruit homing signal when over-energized

You: that

You: doesn't even make sense

You: ...

You: although it would explain the pineapple

You: in some weird twisted way

Stranger: Besides, Seekers can do stuff with you in the AIR

Stranger: How cool would that be?

You: ... that is not comforting in the slightest

Stranger: But it's FUN

Stranger: At least, we've never had any complaints.

Stranger: Except for that one time.

Stranger: But that was his fualt! He slipped =(

You: not

You: making it

You: any better

Stranger: No one was hurt!

Stranger: We can even do stuff overa body of water, so you won't get hurt if you slip.

You: only drown

You: so much better

Stranger: You can't swim? I though all 'Bots could swim

You: at the very most I can doggie paddle

You: I think that's what it's called

You: it's more of a flailing and trying not to sink

Stranger: Aright, three things on the activities list

Stranger: =)

Stranger: Swimming lessons!

Stranger: Or, really, not panicking in water lessons

You: I'd rather not flail around in a body of water with Decepticons thank you

You: drowning will surely happen then

Stranger: You're such a worry wart!

You: and YOU are the posterchild for reckless endangerment

You: if I can duck out of ANYTHING you're going to do to me, I'm going to opt out of drowning lessons

Stranger: So that means you're alright with the other two activites?

You: .. no

Stranger: Aweosme! No swimming lessons!

You: no no no I am still heavily against the other things

Stranger: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh you're impossbile

Stranger: MORE impossible than Soundwave

Stranger: Which is terrible

Stranger: You are more impossible than a boombox with children

Stranger: The most impossible kind of boombox

You: ... that is an interesting way to put it

You: but look at it from my perspective - you're plotting to kidnap me and do things to me against my will in the name of "loosening me up"

You: I have all rights to try to refuse any of this

You: even if it is inevitably in vain

Stranger: ...

Stranger: Alright, fine

Stranger: I just wanted to party with someone in addition to my trinemates

You: I'm sorry

You: perhaps if you phrased it in a slightly less terrifying way

Stranger: Well, how CAN I phrase it?

Stranger: I can't exactly send you an invitation to meet us in a field somewhere

Stranger: You wouldn't show up

You: .. this is true

Stranger: And catching you on a battlefield would be hard as you'd proably end up shooting me and then Screamer would shoot you and then it'd just not be a good day for a party

You: this is also true

Stranger: So the best I can do is warp into the Autobot base and snag you there

You: I.. suppose asking for a bit of warning besides this chat isn't an option

Stranger: I could do that

Stranger: Although the warning you'd get would probably be the other Autobots yelling "INTRUDER ALERT"

Stranger: And guns

You: .. that's definitely going to put me in a partying mood

Stranger: *sigh*

Stranger: Oh well. It was a fun thought.

Stranger: And I guess you don't want to hang out with a trio of overcharged Decepticons anyway.

You: not.. particularly..

You: one at the most

Stranger: Really?

Stranger: =)

Stranger: Have you calmed down any yet?

Stranger: Your typing gets all weird when you're freaking out on me.

You: You're perceptive

You: But yes, I've vaguely recovered

You: the dead silence in the Ark is oddly comforting

You: although I should probably see why that is

Stranger: Do you think they all died? o_o

Stranger: Will Autobots try to kill each other off?

You: No, but that doesn't leave out the possibility of something else doing it

You: I'm going to hope they're okay

You: but just to be safe I'm going to investigate

You: It was nice talking to you, for a change

You: and I do hope you get out of that closet soon

Stranger: =D

Stranger: Thanks, and it was fun talking to you too

Stranger: See you around!

You have disconnected.