Disclaimer: Like everyone in this fandom, I don't own Transformers or the characters mentioned in this fic. If I did, well.. this would have been canon. Somehow.
This is based on an MSN RP between myself and my sister. Actually, the chat log below is a slightly edited transcript of that RP, so any discrepancy in characterization is a joint effort. At least for the log. After that it's all me. And if you were wondering, I was Red Alert.
And yes, I suppose you COULD skip the log and just go to the next chapter without that much of a loss, but come on. It's not there for decoration.
Warnings: Drunken shenanigans.. just.. drunken shenanigans. And a fat guy dies.
You are now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Anyone out there?
Stranger: The closet is really slaggin boring =(
You: Who is this? Closet? What?
Stranger: Hey! =D Finally, someone else is on!
Stranger: What's up?
You: .. the.. sky.. is up
You: I suppose
Stranger: Ooooh a funny man
Stranger: Seriously though, who is this?
Stranger: Can't be Screamer, he's "busy" with surveillance.
You: I.. uh..
You: I think I may be on the wrong frequency
Stranger: Really? How come?
Stranger: Hey can you send some down to lower levels to get me out of this closet?
Stranger: It's... kinda grody in here.
Stranger: I think 'Tex let a pet die in here.
You: Erm.. that does sound atrocious
You: but I don't think I'm in a position to do that
Stranger: TC why are you typing so weirdly?
Stranger: What kind of position ARE you in that you can't send someone to get your own trinemate out of a grody closet?
Stranger: Is it missionary?
Stranger: Are you fragging in my berth again?
You: Wait, what?
You: no that is not what I meant by position at all
Stranger: Well, what DO you mean?
Stranger: You're being awfully cagey about this
You: Cagey? I'm not cagey
You: You're cagey
You: I just meant.. well.. there may be a difference in locations a bit greater than you may think there is
You: Far greater
You: .. I don't know how to respond to that
Stranger: Who IS this?
Stranger: Oh Primus you aren't Shockwave are you?
Stranger: I swear I never meant for that Megatron blow up to go through the space bridge
You: Oh Primus
You: No I am not Shockwave
You: and I rather you hadn't mentioned anything of that nature
Stranger: Well then who ARE you?
Stranger: I can't think of any 'Cons further away from the base than Shockie.
You: That settles it
You: I am definitely on the wrong frequency
Stranger: =/ TELL ME
Stranger: Argh you're being an aft
You: Look, Skywarp
You: I can only assume that's you
You: I can't tell you who I am or where this transmission is coming from because then you might trace the signal and then Prime will KNOW I am the universe's worst security officer when a ton of cons show up at the front door AH SLAG WHY DO I KEEP TYPING
You: YOU JUST READ
Stranger: ... Red Alert?
Stranger: What are you doing on this channel?
Stranger: ... why would I trace your signal?
Stranger: Consider that one, I'm in a slagging closet.
Stranger: and two, I already know where your ship is
You: I had completely forgotten about that
Stranger: Well I guess you can't send someone to come get me then, huh?
Stranger: Oh well.
Stranger: Hello Mr. Skull with a grody mold toupe, how are you doing?
You: I believe it's spelled toupee
You: If.. that was even what you were trying to say
You: ... I am curious, however
You: Why are you in a closet?
Stranger: Well, there was a cake...
Stranger: ...and Soundwave...
Stranger: ...and now my parts are hidden in about five different supply closets.
You: .. oh
You: oh dear
Stranger: It's not that bad!
Stranger: He disabled my pain receptors this time.
Stranger: At least.
Stranger: And left my head and torso in one piece.
Stranger: And an arm.
Stranger: So really, not that bad at all.
You: I would assume you had an arm yes
Stranger: I dunno, I COULD be typing this with my glossa.
Stranger: And getting the keyboard all wet.
You: That.. is more than slightly disturbing
You: Although I would have to commend you on your expertise if it were true
Stranger: I've had some practice with it before =D
Stranger: Althout I end up typing worse than Screamer.
You: .. I did not need to know that
Stranger: Have you ever had a conversation with him?
Stranger: He never capitilizes anything, and he types like he's over-energized.
You: Considering I've never spoken to any Con on this device before today
You: ... that I know of
You: ... you wouldn't have heard anything going around your base about certain acts involving pineapples, would you?
Stranger: That was YOU?
You: FORGET YOU SAW THAT
Stranger: We all thought it was the twins!
Stranger: Wow. Wait 'til TC hears about this...
You: Oh Primus no no no
You: This never leaves this window
You: KEEP IT IN YOUR CLOSET
Stranger: You know Dirge ended up in the medbay for a week after trying that?
You: Oh Primus
Stranger: He was so inspired.
You: That.. he.. oh slag
Stranger: I have some of the vids if you want me to send them to you.
You: I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYTHING OF THE SORT
Stranger: XDDD Alright...
Stranger: I had no idea that you 'Bots could get on to this channel.
Stranger: Do y' think that Megs and Prime ever chat?
You: I was experimenting with primitive technology and frequencies, it will never happen again
You: never ever ever ever
You: ... although I suppose if the option was available they would
You: I can imagine many death threats and indescribable double entendres
Stranger: I don't know, maybe they just chat about Cybertron before "the waaaaaaaaaaar"
Stranger: And compliment each other like human schoolgirls
Stranger: "Hey Prime I have to say the way you shot down that fool Starscream was most inspiring today."
Stranger: "Why thank you Megatron. I did enjoy watching you weild your fusion cannon aginst my forces with such deadly percision"
You: ... why did that come with the image of our leaders in little girlish dresses
You: sipping tea
You: NO MIND NO
Stranger: It fits sooooooooooo well
You: Now I can't STOP imagining it
You: It's going to be hard to hear Prime say "ROLL OUT" and all you can see is tea-sipping biddies
You: Girlishly twittering
Stranger: You and Inferno...
Stranger: ... you got something going on?
You: What have you heard? WHO KEEPS TELLING YOU THESE THINGS
You: I mean
You: purely platonic
Stranger: Oh? Is that denial I read?
Stranger: C'mon Red there's nothing wrong with chasing a nice piece of mech aft.
Stranger: Optimus does it all the time.
Stranger: ALL THE TIME
You: I.. am not going to dignify that with a response
You: ... more than that
Stranger: Anyway, that's not I heard
Stranger: Among other things
Stranger: Are you REALLY that paranoid?
You: It's not paranoia
You: Merely being careful
You: Albeit more careful than what you would deem necessary I suppose
Stranger: Careful enough to think your team was going to use you for spare parts?
You: ... that was a bad day
You: I shudder to think of it
Stranger: Do you stop being paranoid when you're over-energized?
Stranger: Or do you get MORE paranoid?
Stranger: Do you get like Breakdown and just hide under a berth from everyone?
Stranger: IS it pitiful?
Stranger: IS there evidence?
You: I do believe you're asking one too many questions
Stranger: Alright, scratch the fourth question. It was redundant.
Stranger: What about the rest, huh?
You: I have not been over-energized in quite some time
You: ... that incident with the pineapples notwithstanding
Stranger: ... then that settles it.
Stranger: Next time we meet on the feild of battle, I'm going to get you over-energized.
You: Primus no
Stranger: I don't think anyone would notice if I just... GRABBED you and flew off.
You: ... oh dear Primus they wouldn't
You: THAT'S IT I AM STAYING IN THE BASE FROM NOW ON
Stranger: Then I'm just going to have to go into the base and get you =)
Stranger: You can be the guest of honor at our next party!
Stranger: Screamer makes some mean high-grade
You: I'm sure he does
You: But no
You: I am not going to this party
You: and you coming into the base and abducting me for such purposes is frankly a terrifying thought
Stranger: ... then could I come have a party at YOUR base?
You: I don't think Prime would approve of that
Stranger: My trine can behave themselves!
Stranger: For a little while...
You: Unless your idea of a party involves shouting "INTRUDER ALERT" and being shot full of holes
Stranger: No, no it doesn't.
Stranger: You Autobots party hard.
You: We haven't had that many partiest to speak of
You: I made a point to avoid them after I woke up in the medbay as pretty much a head
You: I still have no idea what happened
You: but I still don't want to know
You: Although I'm not sure it happened AT a party
You: I do know parties were involved
You: .. somehow
Stranger: ...someone was playing "pin the head on the Red Alert"?
You: I don't know
You: They may have been playing basketball for all I know
Stranger: You couldn't have been in much worse state than ol' Megs after three of your teamates got the Heart of Cybertron out of him.
Stranger: It was one of the funniest things I had ever seen!
Stranger: We were all passed out in the desert and Megs comes flying back like his aft was on fire, screaming about tiny filthy Autobots crawling around inside his armor.
Stranger: Starscream eventually beat him over the head with Rumble until he passed out.
Stranger: BEST. NIGHT. EVER.
You: I think Perceptor told me about that
You: Obviously not the rest of it
You: .. I have to wonder why you were all passed out in the desert
Stranger: It was a party! Megs said something about attacking you guys in the morning, and then Soundwave started passing around the high-grade..
Stranger: ...and I don't remember much about that.
You: I can imagine
You: This is why I became a teetotaler
Stranger: Awww teetoling is for wimps and sparklings.
Stranger: Be a mech! Get over energized and cut loose!
You: Wimps and sparklings know where they are the next day
You: and don't have fruit wedged in odd places
You: It's bad enough trying to figure out what is or isn't a plot against me in some way
You: I don't want mysterious blackouts to become a facotr
You: .. factor
Stranger: You're such a stiffy.
Stranger: If you relaxed once in a while I'll bet you'd see that there are a lot less people "after your job" than you think.
Stranger: I mean, seriously. Security director?
Stranger: There CAN'T be a long line for that one.
You: I know.. but... it's a catch-22
You: If I DON'T relax, people think I'm hypervigilant and paranoid
You: If I DO, Prime is bound to think I've gone soft
You: and he WILL replace me
Stranger: Uh, Red, everyone already thinks you're hypervigilant and paranoid.
Stranger: So really your reputation can only improve.
You: Not if I'm out of a job
Stranger: =/ You're depressing
You: Then I will become that lazy slob in the corner with the fruit
You: and no one will ever take me seriously
You: ever again
Stranger: ... man I think you need some serious fruit counciling.
Stranger: I bet all your issues can be traced back to pineapples.
You: I don't even know how I came to obtain the pineapple in the first place
Stranger: Was it an Earth sized pineapple? Or Cybertronian?
Stranger: Becuase Dirge thought it was the latter and he used quanity to make up for the size differnece...
You: I.. I think we need to discuss something else now
You: not related to fruit
Stranger: Ever used a cucumber?
You: ... vegetables still count
Stranger: Vegetables aren't fruit!
Stranger: Well, most aren't fruit.
You: Deceptive little vegefruit
Stranger: *sits down next to therapist couch* So, when did zis unhealthy obession with fruit begin?
You: Don't patronize me
You: I'm sure you've had plenty of strange objects in strange places that are worse than fruit
You: Or vegetables
You: Or vegefruit
Stranger: ... I wasn't being patronizing... =(
You: ... don't do that
You: Now I feel bad
You: SLAG SLAG SLAG
You: Prime keeps looking this way
You: I think he knows
Stranger: Hey man chill out.
Stranger: It's not like this chat logs names or locations.
Stranger: You didn't even know you were talking to a 'Con for a while.
You: HE'S GOING TO READ IT
You: HE'S GOIGN TO KNOW
Stranger: Hey, Red Alert?
Stranger: You okay?
Stranger: slag it
Stranger: this closet is really groady you know
Stranger: and the skull is really creeping me out
Stranger: ..= (
Stranger: Where'd you gooooo?
Stranger: imlonely =(
Stranger: Where'd you disappear to?
You: I think I may have found a closet similar to the one you're currently residing in
You: although instead of a skull it's that SLAGGING PINEAPPLE
You: but yes
You: I've locked the door
You: safe now
Stranger: XDD So we're closet buddies now!
Stranger: well not really becuase to be real closet buddies I think you have to be in the same closet but nayway.
Stranger: You know if the pineapple is weirding you out you can put it in the hall or something.
Stranger: You've got to hands n' stuff
You: that would involve opening the door
You: I don't know why I'm doing this
You: I could have
You: closed the window
You: yet I just ran
You: like a sparkling
You: and hid in a closet
Stranger: If it makes up feel any better I'm glad you didn't close the window.
You: Yes I feel SO MUCH BETTER endangering my job to continue entertaining half a Seeker in a closet
You: .. that was sarcasm
Stranger: ... =)?
You: that is not making it any better
Stranger: Well, if you really will be in trouble it's okay if you go.
Stranger: I guess. I'm not sure if Optimus is as stritc on everyone as Soundwave, but I don't want you getting in trouble for "entertaining me".
You: No.. no.. it's fine
You: we're both alone now
You: so it's a bit less weird
You: I guess
You: to ease my panic
You: it is now your turn to tell me things
You: unfortunately I can't formulate questions
You: but I'm sure you can figure something out
Stranger: Well... what do you want to know?
Stranger: Secrets and stuff?
You: I honestly don't care about the quality
Stranger: Well, Screamer recharge walks. You can just point him in a direction and he'll keep going like a human wind-up toy
Stranger: If he hits a wall he'll just fall over and stay there.
Stranger: Soundwave cannot STAND country music.
Stranger: I think I've seen him bleed from the optics after hearing it
Stranger: Megatron has a rubber ducky
Stranger: He talks to it
You: ... wait what
Stranger: I am dead serious. It is creepy as Pit.
You: So.. if he were to lose this duck.. would he merely be infuriated or would he collapse in a pile and weep?
Stranger: Please please please please PLEASe
Stranger: take it or antything
You: Don't worry, I don't want to see Megatron in a murderous rage anymore than you do
Stranger: Dirge will try anything (as you should know *winkwink*)
You: Primus I had ALMOST calmed down and then you went and made me remember that
You: AND THAT PINEAPPLE IS STILL THERE
You: MOCKING ME
Stranger: Um... cover it with something?
Stranger: So you don't have to look at it?
You: I have no idea what that was
You: but it covers it nicely
You: so please continue
Stranger: Astrotrain is ticklish on his back, but he'll fall over on you if you try totake advantage of it
Stranger: Trust me, it's not worth it
Stranger: Ravage love anything with feathers. He has a nest of feathery things under Soundwave's berth.
Stranger: And Screamer totally still has the hots for Skyfire.
You: ... I've heard things at night that would say the opposite is true
Stranger: Maybe we shuld get them over-energized and lock them in a warehouse somewhere.
Stranger: It could be worth it
You: If it would get the noises to stop, yes, that would be a lovely idea
Stranger: I hope it would mellow Screamer out.
Stranger: I swear, if any mech needs to get some 'facing it's him.
Stranger:All that rage? Yeah.
You: this conversation keeps getting weirder
Stranger: So who's the Autobot bicycle?
You: .. I'm not going to answer that
Stranger: Is it Jazz?
Stranger: Or the twins?
You: I try to IGNORE any errant interfacing thank you very much
Stranger: BOTH twins?
Stranger: Tandem bicycle?
You: still not answering
You: I was getting through this section of the questionnaire nicely until I started to think about it AND THERE ARE SO MANY IMAGES
Stranger: Well, now I know what else to add to the activities list when I kidnap you for over-energizing.
You: what no
You: are you seriously still planning to kidnap me?
Stranger: Probably, yeah.
Stranger: Don't worry, I won't mess you up any
Stranger: And my trine most likely won't do anything bad.
Stranger: Well, TC won't.
Stranger: We may need to get Screamer over-energized first...
You: please.. please don't
You: I know you may think this is an acceptable activity
Stranger: It's PARTYING
You: but I am not looking forward to being abducted and forced to over-energize
You: and anything else you have planned for me
Stranger: We shall keep any and all fruits, vegetables, and vegefruits far away from you
You: that is not the point
You: and I am insulted by your insinuation that I would immediately gravitate towards any of the above
Stranger: I'm not suggesting that you'd go for the fruits and things... but they might gravitate towards YOU.
Stranger: MAybe you put off some sort of fruit homing signal when over-energized
You: doesn't even make sense
You: although it would explain the pineapple
You: in some weird twisted way
Stranger: Besides, Seekers can do stuff with you in the AIR
Stranger: How cool would that be?
You: ... that is not comforting in the slightest
Stranger: But it's FUN
Stranger: At least, we've never had any complaints.
Stranger: Except for that one time.
Stranger: But that was his fualt! He slipped =(
You: making it
You: any better
Stranger: No one was hurt!
Stranger: We can even do stuff overa body of water, so you won't get hurt if you slip.
You: only drown
You: so much better
Stranger: You can't swim? I though all 'Bots could swim
You: at the very most I can doggie paddle
You: I think that's what it's called
You: it's more of a flailing and trying not to sink
Stranger: Aright, three things on the activities list
Stranger: Swimming lessons!
Stranger: Or, really, not panicking in water lessons
You: I'd rather not flail around in a body of water with Decepticons thank you
You: drowning will surely happen then
Stranger: You're such a worry wart!
You: and YOU are the posterchild for reckless endangerment
You: if I can duck out of ANYTHING you're going to do to me, I'm going to opt out of drowning lessons
Stranger: So that means you're alright with the other two activites?
You: .. no
Stranger: Aweosme! No swimming lessons!
You: no no no I am still heavily against the other things
Stranger: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh you're impossbile
Stranger: MORE impossible than Soundwave
Stranger: Which is terrible
Stranger: You are more impossible than a boombox with children
Stranger: The most impossible kind of boombox
You: ... that is an interesting way to put it
You: but look at it from my perspective - you're plotting to kidnap me and do things to me against my will in the name of "loosening me up"
You: I have all rights to try to refuse any of this
You: even if it is inevitably in vain
Stranger: Alright, fine
Stranger: I just wanted to party with someone in addition to my trinemates
You: I'm sorry
You: perhaps if you phrased it in a slightly less terrifying way
Stranger: Well, how CAN I phrase it?
Stranger: I can't exactly send you an invitation to meet us in a field somewhere
Stranger: You wouldn't show up
You: .. this is true
Stranger: And catching you on a battlefield would be hard as you'd proably end up shooting me and then Screamer would shoot you and then it'd just not be a good day for a party
You: this is also true
Stranger: So the best I can do is warp into the Autobot base and snag you there
You: I.. suppose asking for a bit of warning besides this chat isn't an option
Stranger: I could do that
Stranger: Although the warning you'd get would probably be the other Autobots yelling "INTRUDER ALERT"
Stranger: And guns
You: .. that's definitely going to put me in a partying mood
Stranger: Oh well. It was a fun thought.
Stranger: And I guess you don't want to hang out with a trio of overcharged Decepticons anyway.
You: not.. particularly..
You: one at the most
Stranger: Have you calmed down any yet?
Stranger: Your typing gets all weird when you're freaking out on me.
You: You're perceptive
You: But yes, I've vaguely recovered
You: the dead silence in the Ark is oddly comforting
You: although I should probably see why that is
Stranger: Do you think they all died? o_o
Stranger: Will Autobots try to kill each other off?
You: No, but that doesn't leave out the possibility of something else doing it
You: I'm going to hope they're okay
You: but just to be safe I'm going to investigate
You: It was nice talking to you, for a change
You: and I do hope you get out of that closet soon
Stranger: Thanks, and it was fun talking to you too
Stranger: See you around!
You have disconnected.