I don't like taxis. I never have and I don't think I ever really will. I don't like any public transport to be completely honest. So many people all forced into one compacted vehicle. Maybe it's just me. I don't think crazy people are even meant to get on public transport anyway. But when have I ever cared before? Never. Exactly.
The taxi driver looks abit freaked out. His shoulders are all stiff. I could hear his uneven breathing too. Can't blame him. it's just me and him sitting in the taxi alone. Him and a crazy person. Going to a crazy hospital. Crazy crazy crazy. That's me.
The taxi driver tries to start a conversation up, "So why you heading Austin? You don't look that crazy."
I get told this a lot. I don't look that crazy. That. But it's true. I don't. I don't scream or whisper things under my breath or anything a typical crazy person would do. It's all in my head, which is significantly worse. I can't escape my crazy hair brained thoughts. Fun.
"I've been told." I smiled. "I'm secretly and serenely fucked up."
The taxi driver nodded, "Got anything in that suitcase or your bag? They search them you know."
I rolled my eyes at his stupid comment. I may be classed as crazy but not as retarded. Of course they would search your bags.
I leant back in the old ruined leather seats and crossed my arms and legs. "Lets just say I have my ways." I was quite clever. I got straight A's despite hearing and seeing things. One time I saw something in my maths exam. The people thought I was cheating and took me out and made me redo the paper in a separate room on my own. It wasn't that bad. The one thing that was slightly off putting was that I predicted my grandfathers death. Still managed to get a A though.
The taxi driver chuckled. "I like you." I didn't reply. I didn't have a reply. What could I reply to someone saying that they like me when I didn't even like myself?
I've never liked myself. Not really. Even when I was six years old I hated myself and everything around me. I wasn't interested in going out and riding my bike with all the other children. I stayed in my room alone reading. I like to read. It takes me away from everyday life, even for just a little while. It's nice. Pretending you're someone you're not.
"Get shipped here by your parents, eh?" His voice had some what of sympathy in it. I didn't care for his sympathy. His sympathy wouldn't change anything.
"You got it."
I saw him half smile, "Just do what the doctors tell you to kid, get fixed and you'll be out of there in no time."
He didn't understand. I wouldn't be fixed. I never will be. The only way ill be fixed is if I kill myself and I failed at that. No matter how many treatments I get, no matter how many pills and drugs they give me ill never be fixed. Not properly anyway.
"I won't be fixed."
The driver smiled, like I was being some pathetic girl who didn't understand. "They all say that, you will be."
I was starting to get angry. Didn't he fucking understand? You can't escape yourself, you can't, you can't, you can't.
"No. I fucking won't be fixed." My voice began to get sharper, more louder. The drivers eyes widened and he didn't reply. Ha. Maybe he has realised I am crazy.
We were almost here. I could see the sign telling you were to turn to get to Austins. I could tell this was going to be some horrible prolonged stay. I could tell it'd be filled with complete nut jobs and I haven't even seen it. I just know it will be like that.
The driver had stopped. We were here. It didn't look weird. It didn't look crazy. It was just a large stone building with leaves growing up on it. It was quite pretty actually. There were trees covered in snow. Even though it was the middle of winter and all the tree leaves had disappeared it was still beautiful.
"Miss? Um...you have to go."
I hadn't realised that the driver had been standing there with my suitcase with the door opened. I nodded and gathered my bag. I stepped out onto the ground and felt a cold chill come over. I wasn't cold though. I never felt the cold. I never really feel anything anymore. I think it's better that way. Less pain involved.
I got out the cab and stood on the ground and watch the taxi drive away. I didn't know what to do, lost and confused in my own self. I'm scared.
"Are you new or returning?"
I turn round to find a boy (or man) standing there. I looked down and back up. I didn't know. I didn't know anything. I didn't answer. I couldn't. I just stood there with my lips slightly parted, not knowing what to do with myself. The boy smiled sympathetically.
"Your arms are blue, why don't you go inside?" I couldn't go inside, I couldn't. I changed my mind. It wasn't pretty or beautiful or anything like that. It looked terrifying, the bricks, the bars across the windows, everything. It represented enclosure. Once you were in you wouldn't get out, especially if you were me. I started to shake my head. Not inside, anywhere but inside. "It's not that hard. Just one step at a time, you know?" His voice startled me, making me jump. I looked up at him with wide eyes.
"I can't." I whispered to myself so quietly I'd be surprised if he even heard me. I looked back down at the ground and stared at it intently, trying to calm my breathing down from the short quick breaths I was currently doing. "I can't. It's too hard. I just can't." I fell to my knees. Pain. Death. Loss. Alone.
The boy bent beside me. "Yes Alice, you can." I looked at him. How did he know my name? Have I met him before me?
"How do you know my name?"
He looked at me with wisdom and a look of eyes that look so familiar it was like I was looking in a mirror, "I know you just as well as you know yourself."
I know you just as well as you know yourself
I was about to question him on his comment but he had disappeared. I didn't know anything anymore.