A/N: Something I had on my mind. Read and tell me what you think :)

Disclaimer: The problem isn't that I don't own Zach, and the rest of the Gallagher Girl Characters
- they rightfuly belong to Ally Carter, the problem is Zach doesn't own me. That's the real problem.

Top Five Reasons Why My Life will Never Be A Fairytale
- a detailed explanation by Zachary Goode -

Fairytales aren't real.
Sounds stupid for me to make sure everyone know this right off the bat.
It seems so obvious.
But, not obvious enough I guess.
Because sure enough, the majority of the female population grabs on tight to the idea of losing a shoe on the way out of a big dance of some sort, trying to catch their ride before it turns back into a pumpkin.
Let's face it.
That's not gonna happen.
If you drop a shoe on your way out from my party, there is no way I'm going to search the country looking to and fro for anyone who wears a size seven and a half.
If you were really that important to me, I'd have your name and number in the first ten minutes.
Or, in all honestly, if I didn't happen to get your name in number,
I'd just wait for the next time you come around.
Cause, well, if you're worth it, I know you're going to come back.

No, that's probably not the answer you're looking for.
And, before you start sobbing,
let me once again emphasize:

Fairytales are not real.

And, all of the cookie cutter elements of the well-known Fairytale – yeah, they aren't real either.
Yes, that means:
the royalty, the adventures, the love-at-first-sight,
the happy endings resulting in lots of money and a romantic ride off into the sunset.
All fake.
There's a reason why you only find fairytales on sale at Barnes and Noble.
And, if you aren't convinced quite yet that a prince isn't going to come out of nowhere and sweep you off your feet, onto his white horse, and take you off into the horizon, here a fun fact for you:

Half of the world has given up the monarchy system all together.
Except England of course.
But, they've always been sort of out of the loop.

But, don't tell Cammie I said that.
Because then she'll tell Baxter.
And, Baxter can and will kick my butt.

Don't tell Cammie that either.

In conclusion,
there aren't enough princes to go around.

So, give up the dream, girls.
It's not going to happen.

But, don't get too discouraged, because in exchange for this awful let down of your highest hopes,
I'll let you in on a dirty secret.

Guys want the fairytale too.

Maybe we don't sit around waiting for a prince to come sweep us off our feet.
Well, most of us don't.
But, we do want the happy ending.

Shocking, right?

The possibly most fake and most improbable out of all the elements is the one we guys want most.
And, I mean, most of us get it.
Just because we find a way to make it happen.
Maybe we're not exactly getting fitted for our fancy crowns just yet,
but, as long as we find the girl and she's ultimately happy,
we consider it a success.

So, if that's enough to satisfy you. I guess fairytales might exist to an extent.

But, ever since I heard the story of Cinderella, or came across the tale of that Arabian guy with the magic carpet, I knew that my life specificallywould never fall under the category.

And, that's for the following reasons:

One.

First and foremost,
There are never spies in fairytales.
And, for good reason too.
Nothing about the spy world is suitable to put into a child's story book.
Clandestine missions to Brazil in order to cut off a rebel ring of prostitutes who threatened to overthrow the country's coffee sales for reasons that may or may not result in the transmission of a virus that would ruin the pleasure of your morning cup of jo isn't really suited for the target audience of K-3rd grade.

Not to mention, our lives are too complicated.
Too many people leave.
Too many people die.
Too many things happen for anything to work out perfectly;
for the whole "fairytale" plotline to take place without any strings attached.
It's just impossible.

Two.

Where there's a prince, where there's a knight and shining armor, a hero.
There's a bad guy.
And, despite the fact that there is always and forever will be an enemy, an opposing force,
a villain, the villain never turns good.
Or rather, very rarely.

Now, I have sympathy for the villain.
Usually there's a back story, a reason to why their moral compass is skewed.
Maybe they were bullied as a kid.
Maybe they were hurt, or wounded, or jealous.

Or maybe they were misled.
Maybe they grew up just trying to please the people around them.
And, maybe, unfortunately, those people were only pleased with deception and death.

Either way, I know for sure that this reason is a big one.
Because, no matter what things I might have done in the past.
the only thing I felt when she walked toward me was

Good.

"Gallagher Girl" I addressed her snidely, hiding my smile with a smirk.
"Zach," She acknowledged me with a simple statement as Solomon let go of his link on her arm and stepped away leaving us virtually alone – or, well, it seemed like it.

"Well, you don't look horrible." I surveyed her, held back my breath, and shrugged.
Her eyes gave me a look just as they did the first time I had said those words to her:
Sophomore year during an all school dance that doubled as an exam.

After all these years,
She still didn't know whether to take that as an insult or a compliment.

Rolling her eyes, Cammie looked away from me and to the man standing in front of us.
But, her dismissal of my behavior was one, in a way, I liked.
It was one of innocence, despite all that she's seen.
Though the look was meant to scold me,
it's not like she looked at me like I was evil.

It's not like I was the villain.

Even though at one time, that could have been very close to the truth.

But, around her, I felt like as if there had been no transformation at all.
As if I had never been any type of enemy.
Even though I had been.

And, as any religious fairytale reader knows,
the bad guy stays bad because the bad guy is strong enough to not let anyone change him.

Not even a girl.

Unfortunately, I didn't meet that qualification.

Three.

There's a common reoccurrence in these situations.
Common reoccurring characters.
Evil stepmothers come up a lot. .
Or the occasional evil Emperor, King, Queen, etc.
Sometimes there's even a sister or two that's out to get you.

But, you don't usually hear about an evil family in general.
A mother that's obsessed with power.
A father who was never there.
And, no one else but a bunch of family friends and distant cousins who never gave you a second glance.

Yeah, yeah. The whole sob story.
The point is.

An evil family is a little too much.
It's like overkill.
I mean really.
If Cinderella had two more sisters, maybe even an evil dad, there's no way things would have panned out the way that they did.
So, there's obviously gotta be an unspoken rule:
A rule that says there can only be at most three truly evil relatives within a fairytale.

Too bad I exceeded the maximum.

Four.

"Nice turnout," I leaned to my left, closer to Cam's ear. She flinched at the sound of my voice, then glanced toward the section of people behind me.

A sort of sheepish apology appeared on her face as she looked at the space behind me doubtingly.
I subtly glanced behind my shoulder at Grant and Jonas sitting uncomfortably in their neckties then to the crowd of people behind her, guests as far as the eye could see.
Friends to fill the voids in her life, sisters to be there for her through the losses she has and will have.

Cammie looked at my support group and saw a small quantity.
Truth was, none of my twisted relatives needed to show up.
And, Grant and Jonas were just for show.
Quite frankly, all I really needed was her and I was set.

So, I reached the maximum for fairytales when it came to messed up relations.
But, if you counted the ones that really mattered, the people I had left,
I didn't even reach a minimum of one evil sibling, parent, step parent, or acquaintance.

"My gang's all here" I respond to her glance of skepticism with a smile and a wink,
"Your side needs some work though."

Cammie's eyebrows wrinkled in confusion.
I lifted mine in question.

"You're being nice…" Cammie mumbled her gaze not budging from its fix straight ahead.
"Nice?"

"You haven't said anything to blatantly insult me…" Cammie said from the side of her mouth.
"Yet."
"I just told you that your group needs some work,"
"Yeah, but you smiled. You were joking. Usually you…"
Her eyes glanced towards mine then escaped, discarding the thought, "I don't know."

Settling for her lack luster explanation I smirked at her and turned to the front.

"Maybe, I'm being nice, Gallagher Girl, because this is a niceoccasion."

I whispered as I received a flustered look from the man who stood in front of the two of us as if he didn't know quite what to make of our talking in the middle of his procedure.

"If it's such a nice occasion, Zach, then why do you keep talking?"

I gasped in fake offense keeping my voice low and undetectable by the guests behind us while I leaned closer to her ear.

"Did Cammie Morgan, the girl who never shuts up, just tell me to-"
"And, there's the insult." She mumbled.
"Hey. I'm just-"
"Shh…" She cut me a razor sharp glare.
Satisfied and amused by her irritation, I turned back to my expected position and smirked, the man relaxing with our silence while pulling at his suit nervously, skeptical about just what deed he was doing.

And, maybe he should have been nervous.
It was only probable for him to doubt.
Considering the circumstances,
Considering the final reason why you won't read about my life in a storybook anytime soon.

Five.

it's a universally known fact that's essential,
The Hero always has a love interest.
The Prince always finds his Princess.

It doesn't matter when and it doesn't matter how.

But, it happens.
And, like I said, this is all any guy could ever hope for.
Find the girl.
Get the happily ever after.

It wasn't until we turned to face each other and the man in front of us began to speak to the room, that I tried her patience once more.
Under my breath I spoke, smiled tauntingly and asked:

"So, Gallagher Girl, what are you going to do if I start talking?
You gonna shush me again?"

"That depends," she cut quickly, throwing her wit right back at me, "Do you have the audacity to ruin everything by chatting away when we really should be shutting up?"
I snickered at the nervous tone in her voice while the man's speech came to a close.

"I do." I said louder than expected.
I could feel my face fighting off a smile. But, Cammie's eyes just widened.
She took a deep breath, and if I didn't know better, she looked extremely uncomfortable.

And, because of that look on her face, I couldn't help what happened next.
Out of hidden insecurity which I will not hesitate to deny to on any other occasion,
I focused on Cammie and questioned:

"Do you even want to be here, Gallagher Girl?"

She looked up with surprise, as if I had caught the world's best up and coming operative off guard.
Cammie swallowed, exchanged a look between me and the man in front of us as he waited for her to finish our conversation, and then nodded softly.

"I do." She said.

And, with those words I knew the last and perhaps
the most important reason why my life could never be a fairy tale.
Redeemed or not.
The bad guy doesn't get the girl. Ever.

"Mr. Goode, you may now kiss your bride,"

The man in front of us said, closing his book, giving a smile.
The guests in the room held their breath, dried their tears,
and watched as the ex-villian got what everyone knew he didn't deserve.

I got the girl.

And, that's the only thing I had on my mind her as I wrapped my arms around her white dress, tilted her chin up and met her lips with mine.

And, as cheesy as it sounds,.
as sappy
and fluffy
and, even disgusting, as it really is.

Right then,
I had no envy for the rich princes with their wives who can't keep their shoes on
or resist an apple from creepy old ladies
no matter the number of diseases and/or poisons she could be carrying.
I wasn't jealous of the macho heroes
who got to save their damsels who seemed to always be in distress.

Even though I was a spy,
I had far too many relatives who couldn't be mentioned in front of an audience so young of age
my past was way too dark for a children's book
and considering that past
I wasn't supposed to be here, in a church, winning the prize, marrying the girl

Even though because of all of this my life would absolutely
never everbe anything like a fairytale.

I have to say,
It's a heck of a lot better that way.