Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men. Marvel does.

A/N: Writer's Block buster. And I do have Writer's Block. Gr. Sorry, I'm working on it! x.x Until then, enjoy the drabble. :)

Rating: M


Confused


There are days when Erik feels like he is dying.

When the world opens up before him like the map that used to be his constant companion. When all he can hear is his mother's soothing voice intertwining in the rape of Herr Doktor's taunting count - the echo of a swiftly flying bullet softly singing his name, its victory. When each breath he takes presses his heart against his chest and threatens to allow it to burst.

When Charles levels him with the cool, hard stare of never-ending ocean and a heaven he does not believe in.

"I know what you're thinking, my friend," the telepath says to him every night, with a slight smirk and an unblinking gaze.

No shit, Erik always thinks back, and the eyes will roll upwards and give a bit of breath back to his lungs. I wish you didn't he adds, but keeps it silent.

Every minute with Charles is like a suicide he doesn't want but cannot stop reaching for. A poison with a seductive taste that he willingly drinks, though it takes hours to convince his hand to reach for the cup. And when he does reach, he reaches like a man lost to the madness of thirst, a weakness - violent and possessive and raging and needing.

Erik fucks Charles because he needs to, with the same violence and possessiveness and rage, and that is what it is. Fucking - no love between them, no softly spoken words, no need for tenderness. He thrusts to the beat of his screaming heart, holding Charles down by the shoulders in unrelenting, brutal domination. And Charles whines and cries out and chants words Erik never tries to decipher.

But his eyes are always open, always staring, searching Erik's own eyes for something until the older mutant has to look away.

"What are you so afraid of, I wonder ..." The words that sometimes come from Charles' mouth are never a question and never spoken to him, his telepathy not expecting one.

But Erik always answers You behind the metal door of his private mind.

There are times, rare times, unwilling times, when Erik is not plagued by the sense of looming, present death. When he does not seek to end his own life, does not reach for the pain. When he stands out in the Winchester sun and lets the breeze float over his body, when the laughter of the children makes his teeth grin instead of grind.

When Charles reverses their positions, splaying Erik out like the map he no longer has, trailing kisses and bites across his body. When his hands soothe over Erik's scars with patient understanding and reassurance and just a tinge - a tinge - of anger on his behalf. When it's Erik, it's fucking - it's domination - it's fury. But when it's Charles, it's slow. It's hard, and it's firm, but it's soft and kind and empathetic to the point where if he could cry he would. Charles takes his time, takes Erik like an embrace instead of a claim, chanting IknowyouIknowyouIwantyou in a steady mantra that cushions the pounding of his raging heart.

"Do not ever hide from me, Erik," Charles will say - does say, always says - when it's over, and its gentle and whispered but it's an order and he places a kiss on Erik's sweaty neck in point. I love you.

I hate you, Erik will sob behind his door, because it shouldn't be like this. But he will push closer with a quiet And I you.

He would leave Charles if he could - plans to, wants to, needs to - but when Charles has him - holds him, takes him - he doesn't think he can.

And though, during those very rare times, Erik does not feel like he is dying, he wishes he was.


A/N:

Word vomit = Erik angst. Dominant Charles makes me happy. ;) I have more stuff featuring him. Should post it ... when I write it.

But Writer's Block. Gr. I did vocals for my cousin's band every other night for the past ...10 days? because their singer was sick and they needed the money. Iwillneverdoitagainokay? All I had in my head was lyrics and rehearsal schedules and upcoming school and sleepdamnit! and totally did not work on anything. xP Friday was my last show. Thank goodness. x.x SO! I will be writing more soon. As soon as this groove comes back. ... Yeah. Anyway, enough about that. XP

Let me know what you thought? :3