One Too Many Martinis

KeruKeru: So, this isn't exactly my normal sort of thing, but I just got the inspiration from watching lots of Family Guy recently. But I mostly got it from Brian and the episode called "You May Now Kiss the… Uh… Guy Who Receives". I thought it'd be funny to exploit Brian's alcohol problem more then Seth MacFarlane normally does. Also, if you've ever wondered, Brian Griffin is actually a white Labrador retriever.

Warning: Implied alcoholism and implied yaoi incest.

Disclaimer: I don't own Family Guy.


"Damn it…" Groaned the white Labrador as the sun hit his hung over eyes. Despite being closed, the light burned his corneas. Brian Griffin pulled the covers over his head, trying to block out the sun, which still did little to help with his splitting headache. "Ugh…" He flipped onto his other side, escaping the window that was allowing the light to enter. It was like a gun went off as the dog shot up in the unfamiliar bed. "What the hell? Agh!" Brian cried from the sun blinding him once more.

As the spots cleared from his from his eyes, the room finally came into view and Brian's eyes shot wide open. "Oh my God…" The room he was in had a pink tank top, a pair of cut off jean shorts and a red collar with a gold tag; all articles were on the floor around the bed. On one wall was a large, lighted vanity with hair care products and jewelry of all kinds.

"Am I… Am I in Jasper's room?" The dog asked himself. "What the hell am I doing here?" A few events from the previous night came screaming back: blurred images of Jillian getting married, a few empty martini glasses around him at a table and then the last image was of Jasper, then nothing. Brian took a second glance at the clothing strewn about the floor. "Why are Jasper's cloth-… OH MY GOD!" Screamed the lab in shock, falling off the bed. "Did Jasper and I-… No, we wouldn't, we're cousins and… he's married… and I'm not gay… but… I must have been really drunk last night…" No amount of the truth could keep Brian from worrying about what had really gone down the night of Jillian's wedding.

"Jasper?" He called in a bothered tone. "Jasper, you here?" As he strolled into the kitchen of the small, yet obviously owned by a gay couple, apartment, Brian took notice of a note on the fridge that he could just barely make out his name on. Getting to the fridge, he pulled the pink sticky note off the door and read it.

Dear Brian,

Thought you might still be asleep when Ricardo and I left, so I decided to leave this little note to tell you how much fun I had last night. It was almost as much fun as my wedding night. Oops, I think I shared too much. Oh well, I'll see you soon. Be sure to tell Lois and everyone "Hi" for me.

Love, Jasper

The piece of paper fell from his motionless hand, coming to rest on the floor as Brian stood in utter astonishment, not moving a single muscle. The residents of every apartment, if they weren't already, were awoken by a loud scream coming from the well-known Jasper's apartment. "Oh God… Oh God… Oh God… i-it's alright… n-nobody knows but Jasper and Ricardo… I'm safe as long as nobody else finds out." He kept trying to comfort himself, but nothing could stop the thought of him having slept with the only family he knew. "I should just head home… head home and clear my head and then I'll apologize to Jasper for everything."

Brian found himself back in Jasper's room, grabbing his collar and the keys to his Prius off the kitchen table on his way out. "Just… Just need to clear my head." He assured himself, discovering his car had been parked on the curb of the apartment building. He hopped in the hybrid and started it immediately, narrowly forgetting his seat belt as he sped off for the Griffin house.


The Prius soon came upon its owner yellow home with red windows and a blue roof. Parking the car in its spot in the garage, Brian shut off the engine and got out, shaking slightly from the images that had emerged in his mind of what he and Jasper could have possibly done. "No! Stop thinking about it!" He berated himself and stepped into the house.

From the living room, Brian heard the TV announcer's voice. "And now back to Andy Dick's Funniest Moments." Nothing else after that but the sound of static. "I can't believe there's nothing else on!" Peter Griffin's whiny voice complained. "Brian, where the hell have you been?" The fat man asked in a bit of an angry voice, seeing Brian try to sneak past.

"I-I wasn't anywhere! Why do you think I went to Jasper's and had sex with him?" Brian blurted without realizing it.

"I wasn't thinking that. I just wanted to know where you were. I couldn't find you after Jillian's reception." Peter had, once again, missed something so obvious, but the white dog was thankful. "Jeez, you're more wound up then I was when Meg was born."


-Flashback-

"Here he comes!" Dr. Hartman smiled under his hospital mask. "And here he i-… wait a minute… it appears we made a mistake, he is actually a she!"

"You son of a bitch! You lied to us!" Peter punched the doctor square in the jaw, knocking him out instantly.

-End Flashback-


"Huh… I guess it's funnier when Seth's writing for us." Peter mumbled to himself, before returning to the matter at hand. "So, where'd you run off to? Did ya take that hot red-head home?"

"Uh… sure, yeah, we went back to her place and had sex… that's a much easier to explanation." Brian informed.

Not catching the last part, Peter smirked. "Was she any good?"

"Huh? Oh, oh, yeah, she was great. She was so great that I don't remember what happened during the time we had sex." The white dog lied.

"Holy crap, that sounds awesome!"

"Yeah, it sure was. Now, Peter, if you'll excuse me, I gotta get working on the sequel to my novel." Mentioning his novel at all made any member of the family laugh uncontrollably and it had the same effect on Peter as Brian dashed up stairs, leaving his best friend to crack up on the couch.

"Hey dog," The snooty British accent called from behind him. "I heard you talking to the fat man. Why don't you tell me what REALLY happened last night?"

"Stewie, leave me alone, nothing happened. I got drunk and spent the night somewhere." He wasn't lying, he just wasn't telling the whole truth.

"Right, right, so you've got sex hair from a wet dream, I presume?" The evil genius asked in a serious tone, laughing to himself on the inside.

Brian felt his head and cursed himself for not having looked in a mirror. "Damn it! Alright Stewie, but you can't tell anyone!"

"Oh sure, sure. I swear, nobody will know but me." Stewie had two crossed fingers behind his back as he spoke.

"Cross your fingers and I'll kill you faster then plastic surgery killed Olivia Newton-John's face." The dog meant it with his piercing glare which instantly scared the baby into uncrossing his fingers. He sighed before beginning. "I… I was at Jasper's last night. I guess I got really drunk at Jillian's reception to numb the pain…"

"A little? That's a bigger lie then when Peter told everyone he was a woman."

"Shut up and let me tell the story!" He ordered.

"Sorry, sorry, just trying to stay in character; kinda hard when we're not be written by Seth."

"Seth MacFarlane doesn't actually write the show, he just produces it and does the voices." Brian told him.

"Really? Well, that explains a lo-… never mind that, back to your story."

"Ugh… alright. Well, I was really drunk last night and I guess I somehow ended up at Jasper's apartment. I woke up and found his clothes everywhere and my collar on the floor. I think… I think we may have had sex last night…" Brian finished in disappointment.

"You… and your cousin… had sexual intercourse?" Stewie asked in awe at the image of the two dogs going at it.

"I don't know! I think so… I was so hammered last night, the last thing I remember is knocking on the door to his apartment and then everything's a blur." The dog told the baby. "Once I clear my head, I'm gonna go apologize to him for last night. I mean, we had an affair and we're cousins! I don't think I've ever been that drunk before."

"Brian, have you ever thought about joining Alcoholics Anonymous?" Stewie asked innocently, though it was still creepy with his British accent.

"What are you, crazy?"

"Just making a suggestion." The baby defended.

"HEY BRIAN! JASPER'S HERE TO SEE YOU!" Peter's voice called from downstairs.

"Well, now's your chance, Incest-o." Stewie mocked as he walked away to his room to play with his toys.

Coming down the stairs with a guilty look on his face, Brian heard: "There's the greatest cousin in the world!" in the most stereotypical gay voice ever invented. The other dog immediately hugged Brian, doing a gay leg lift as he did so. "I was worried about you, hun. Ricardo and I got home and thought you ran off. Turns out you did just that!"

"Hehe… Jasper… there's something I need to talk to you about." Brian told his cousin.

"Sure hun, fire away."

"I'm sorry about last night… and how… we… ya'know…?"

"How we what?" Jasper asked confused.

"How we had… sex…?" He whispered the last word in embarrassment.

"You thought we had sex? Oh Hahahaha! That's so funny, Brian!" Jasper laughed.

"Well… yeah. How do you explain my collar and your clothes on the floor and how I ended up in your bed?"

"Well, you did show up to our apartment pretty late, but we didn't have sex, you silly. I answered the door and you stumbled in, shouting something about Jillian being a bitch and then you collapsed. You woke up about five minutes later and you talked about how you wanted to play Monopoly. Ricardo and I brought our Gay-opoly and as soon as you bought Fire Island, you keeled over again and didn't wake up. So, Ricardo and I put you in our bed while we snuggled on the couch. I guess you must have woken up and some point and gone through my closet. Didn't you read my note? I said I had a great time last night."

"Oh… hehe… well… I'm still sorry for being so hammered last night. I didn't mean to cause you guys any trouble." Brian informed, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment.

"Oh, you were no trouble at all! Even Ricardo had a blast playing with you last night!" Jasper smiled, putting his hands down in the stereotypical gay way.

"Thanks for taking care of me, then. I really didn't mean to intrude." Brain said again.

"Stop telling yourself you were intruding. You were an utter delight! We'd love to have you over again sometime. How's next Saturday?"

"Haha, sure Jasper, I'd love to." Brian smiled.

"But Brian, if you ever want a threesome… Ricardo and I are always available." The slightly taller dog winked before leaving his cousin in the state of astonishment he was in after he'd read the note.


KeruKeru: Well, as you can see, I'm not as good as the writers for Family Guy, but I try. I hope everyone liked it, I tried to keep them in character as best I could, but I couldn't think of too many mannerisms for Jasper aside from calling everyone hun. Please review as flames will be used in my effort to conserve energy and heat my house in the winter.