Before I get any hate mail for this, yes this is a manual fic based on the Hetalia unit manuals by LolliDictator. This a collab between myself and my friend Melissa, who doesn't have a FF account. We will be alternating chapters, (she does odds, I do evens) and this first one is her's. For me, this will mainly be to get back into the swing of writing. And please, don't tell us our characters are Mary Sues. It's just annoying, and frankly, neither of us really care.
Disclaimer: Hetalia doens't belong to us, nor does the idea for the manuals.
"Happy Birthday!" all my friends cheered, gathered around my small kitchen table. I rolled my eyes.
"Sheesh you guys, what's with your love of surprise parties? I mean, what is this, the seventh?" A dramatic sigh came from Lucia.
"Well, it would have been the eighth, but someone can't keep a secret very well," she complained, her eyes very obviously pointing in Vera's direction.
"I said I was sorry," she grumbled, crossing her arms (which I know are very fun to squish- I get bored, okay?) and half glaring at my Italian friend. "And it wasn't my fault; I told you pancakes were a bad idea!" I face palmed.
"Lissi! Vera! Listen to me~" I sighed. At this rate, one of them would throw a fit, even if they were joking. "Here- have some cake and calm down." They both took a plate, still giving each other teasing glares as they slowly devoured the ice-cream cake. I rolled my eyes again, I was still glad they had come from across town to see me. "Okay, Can I open my presents now?"
"Open mine first," Vera smiled. I nodded. Vera's presents were always fun. I looked in front of me to see a small box- covered in violet paper. I stuck my tongue out at her. Running gag. I mean, just because my name is Violet… Whatever. I tore into the wrapping, revealing a small mp3 video player, already filled with Anime from my favorite series, as well as some SpongeBob episodes. I hugged her tight.
"Vera, this is awesome! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!" She hugged me back (I love hugging people~ ) and smiled.
"You're welcome. Ow. Leggo." I gave her another squeeze, then did as she asked.
"You're so dramatic. Here," she handed me a (violet) envelope, wrapped with a blue ribbon. I opened it warily, hoping it was a gift card to Barnes and Noble or something like that. I didn't want to think about it otherwise...
"Congratulations, you are now the owner of our new ALFRED JONES unit…"
"Lissi, what is this?" She smiled.
"Do you like it? I got one as a prize in some drinking game-"
"Again? I told you not to play those anymore-"
"Well, I won! Anyway, it came with a 'buy one get another one free' deal, so I thought you would like one!" she defended herself. "Read it!" I looked down to the stiff card again.
"Helps around the house, can get job, blah blah blah…" I turned over the card. "Flying mint bunny says it will come in a week, and-" I blinked. "Flying mint bunny? I haven't seen him in years! I heard he got married to the tooth fairy…" Both my friends looked at me oddly. I winced. Bad time for that…
"Anyway, it should get here soon." Vera nodded.
"That's good. You needed some extra money and stuff, right?" I sighed.
"Yeah. School is the pits, but to pay it off… That's worse." Lucia smiled, grinning (that half hearted and almost smug "yay, it worked!" smile) at me.
"See! I thought it would be a good present for you!" I had to smile at that. They care. They do care.
"Yeah, thanks. It is an awesome present…" I looked back at the card. "Just please- no more drinking games?" She smiled, and crossed her heart.
"I promise. Also; I swear to drunk I'm not god." We laughed, remembering that day…Ah, memories.
Now. If only I had known what chaos would ensue…I would probably have not laughed as hard.
Or at all.
"No, the package isn't here yet," I yelled into my phone over the sound of my cat and the stove (which was rapidly gaining the ability to catch on fire).
"Are you sure?" Lucia yelled back. "You'll have to start looking for it soon! The card said it would be here-" Her voice was interrupted by the door bell.
"Coming!" I shouted, finishing up with the fire extinguisher. I walked to the door. The mailman smiled.
"Hello…whoa." He looked behind me, noticing the burning oven. I shrugged.
"Yes. The kitchen was on fire." I looked down to his clipboard. "Do you have a package for me?" He nodded, still distracted, and wheeled it into my hallway. He continued to stare at my charred kitchen. I had put the flames out, but the charcoal and such… This was why the insurance agents hate me, I know it. Stupid policy I have to pay for. He dropped it and ran, but not before giving me an ominous warning;
"Read the manual before you open it, okay?" I blinked as he ran to the mail truck and drove off. That was odd, I though as I closed the door. Usually the kitchen is still on fire when he runs away. I closed the door, looking at the packet of papers he had handed me. The manual was certainly specific, but…
"Just to wake him up? Speak in a British accent or play a mindless superhero show?" I thought about my options. "…Eh. I'll do both." I quickly switched on iron man, but kept the TV on mute. Then, after mouthing the words to myself (trying to remember what a British accent sounds like) I started talking. "Oi, burger-eating lard butt! Get over here before I kick you from here to Russia!" Suddenly, a giant (and nude, oh dear) blonde man burst out of the crate.
"Yo, Iggy!" he shouted, then started looking around. "Hey, where are ya?" I quickly pointed to the television set.
"Look what's on TV!" That got his attention quickly enough.
"Sweet! Can I have popcorn?" I ignored that, getting a text from Lucia. It read: Help! He's HUGGING me! DO something! I sighed.
"Oh, Lucia." I quickly texted Vera. Check on Lucia, will you? I have issues to work out. …like how to get the "hero" into some boxer shorts at LEAST.
Sooner or later the movie was over, leaving…"Alfred" no longer distracted.
"Hey." I looked over the kitchen counter, finished making a salad. (the oven was barbequed, so that didn't leave me many options)
"What?" I asked. He pointed to the credits.
"Movie's over. Can we get dinner?" I blinked.
"Unless you want salad, you're going to have to get dressed to leave the house." I pointed out, leaving him the Superman boxers. "At least these and the jacket, please." His face brightened.
"Hey! Superman, a hero, just like me!" He put them on, while I started reading the manual and eating the salad. I stopped munching when I got to where it said burgers.
"Oh, dear…" Alfred didn't look up, holding my kitty in his hands.
"What? Is the hero needed to save the maiden in distress?" he directed to the kitty, who hissed in response. My kitty does not like people. I had a short lived smile at that before it dropped off my face. I just sighed.
"Zip up your jacket and come on." He quickly zipped it while I grabbed my purse and his "unlimited McDonalds gift card". I rolled my eyes.
"Coming, 'hero'?" He grinned.
"I'm starving! Can we have hamburgers?" I face palmed.
"Sure. Whatever." I dragged him to the local one, him all the time looking at the ads for the new "Captain America" movie and complaining.
"I mean look!" he said. "I'm more American than he is- I AM America! And see!" He struck the pose the superhero in the movie made. "I do the pose much better! See?" He tapped my shoulder if I refused to listen. I groaned. He. Annoyed. Me.
"Come on," I dragged him into the McDonald's. I handed him the "unlimited McDonald's gift card". "Here. Buy yourself dinner." Alfred's eyes widened.
"You're going without dinner? Without a cheeseburger, or even a hamburger? But-" I shushed him.
"I already had dinner," I lied. "You just go get yourself something, alright?" He beamed, ecstatic to be allowed to eat his favorite meal.
"Totally! Big Mac, here I come!" He sped (I mean literally- I think he broke the speed limit) to the cashier, ordering what sounded like 20 Big Macs to go, and three diet (diet? Him?) sodas. I looked away, trying not to be too interested in what was happening. I wanted to leave, dammit! Whatever- he had started to chat with the cashier. I bit my lip, anxious. Hurry UP! A sudden hand draped itself across my shoulders. I flinched. Please, no-
"Hello, Nicolai." He smiled, no, leered at me.
"How is my darling~ ex today?" I flinched. I hated when he referred to our (brief) dating session.
"Go away, Nicolai. I'm about to leave anyway," I grumbled. As soon as the personification of America finished buying all of those hamburgers he so craved…what was taking him so LONG? Nicolai ignored my awkward silence, still grinning like a maniac murderer. He enjoyed my anger, I thought grimly, twisting the hem of my own jacket.
"So did you find another guy yet?" He asked smugly, neatly sliding in beside me (much to my discomfort), still leaving his arm over my shoulders. What a slime bucket. I shivered.
"Aren't you working as a cashier here? You shouldn't be shirking your work," I accused him. He waved off my remark, not caring. Jerk.
"I'm on break. And I know you haven't," he continued, "Because you're not worth another person- Heck. You were barely worth me. In fact…"
"Hey!" Alfred bounded over to the table, holding a Mc Donald's bag big enough to hold a body in as if he was Dorothy wielding muffin basket; that is, haphazardly. "I finally got all the burgers I wanted- but it took forever to make them!" he complained, looking back to the cashiers. I giggled a little, seeing their stunned faces. Alfred's attention fell on Nicolai, who just stared at him in shock. "Hello!" He pumped my ex's hand up and down, and I smiled even harder seeing him wince in pain from the unit's super strength. "It's nice to meet you! I'm Alfred Jones. I'm her," he pointed to me, "New roommate." I whapped him upside the head.
"Since when?" I demanded. I'm not going to share a room with him! But he continued beaming, acting as if he had never heard me.
"Anyway, how are you doing today?" Nicolai blinked, then sighed. (wait, is he taking him seriously? He's a stupid jerk)
"I've not been feeling well since I came back…But I think that's just America." Alfred blinked.
Nicolai rubbed the back of his head, thinking.
"Well, since I come from Russia every other month, I always get a headache from the grease and burgers that are practically absorbed into the country itself, and the vodka here is so watered down it's pathetic…" I noticed Alfred's eye started to twitch. I covered up a smile with my hand. Whatever happened now, as psychotic as it would be, it would be on Nicolai. Big time. "And don't even start me about the government- Hey, is something wrong?" Alfred had started to smile a creepy smile, and his twitching hadn't gone down at ALL.
"Do you…hate…America?" Nicolai blinked, but remained oblivious.
"Yeah…" he started, then got braver. "Yes, I do!" He did the man-fist-pump-thing. I dunno. It's a guy thing. Alfred snapped.
"COMMIE!" He shouted, punching him right in the jaw. Nicolai went spinning into (and through) the wall, stopping only once half his body was in the bathroom. I started to laugh- I admit it. I am violent enough to laugh myself sick over my ex-boyfriend's beating. Be jealous.
"Um…" one of the cashiers not staring at his co worker's unconscious body cleared his throat. "Is he… Was he just beat up?" I couldn't help but smile. So what if I was arrested or something?
"Totally." There was a small pause. Cheers broke out, the McDonald's employees scaring the customers with their celebration. I blinked.
"Wow. Nicolai certainly isn't one to make friends." Alfred looked down, then back at me.
"So…should I take him to the hospital? Or…" I rolled my eyes.
"Let him wake up on his own." Alfred smiled, then started to beam that ( wow, it's almost normal now) crazy grin again.
"Once again, I'm the hero!" I rolled my eyes, trying not to smack him. (though I did punch his arm, not as if he noticed. Did this guy have gorilla strength?)
"Whatever. Let's go back and eat already."
I watched as Alfred (my new unit, by the holy mother of nestle green tea WHY THAT THING) inhaled massive amounts of hamburgers in one sitting. I could only watch in awe as I slowly continued to take one bite of my salad, then another. Suddenly he looked back up to me.
"Mphpheph, mmphfeffpheph?" I face palmed.
"Chew. Swallow. Then talk." He frowned, but did as I asked.
"We were never introduced, right?" I took another bite of salad.
"No." A crazy (stupid) grin started to form on his face, as he jumped onto the table making another stupid superhero pose.
"I am Alfred Jones, the country of the United States of America, the Hero!" I stood up, fuming.
"Hey! You're getting dirt and crud all over my new table!" He just laughed, still holding that "hero" pose. Stupid unit. I kicked him in the shin. At least he fell off this time. But it was more the surprise then the hit, I noticed when he stood up just as fast.
"Well, who are you, fellow American?" I rolled my eyes. Patriotic nutcase.
"I'm Violet Lestrande. Student-at-large."
"Cool." I debated hitting him over the head again. Then he let out a huge yawn, making me wonder how big his lungs were. "Hey, I'm going to sleep. That cool?" I shrugged.
"You're not sleeping in my room though- You get the couch." Was he pouting?
"But I'm the hero! Can't I sleep on the bed?" I threw a (packaged) hamburger at him.
"Couch. Now." He scampered into the living room, while I promptly fell, dead asleep, into the remainder of the salad.
…please kill me now.
I awoke to a ring on my phone.
"…a phone call?" No one ever called me. …No, I am not friendless. I just use email. I picked it up. "¿Hola?" Vera's voice came out on the other end.
"Violet? This is Vera. I'm having a bit of trouble here-" I heard a crash and what sounded like Lucia threatening someone about a- tomato? "Uh, can you just come to Lucia's house? Please?" I blinked.
"Now? And you're at Lucia's house?"
"Please!" I threw a shoe at Alfred.
"Hey! Field trip!" He woke up, blinking in the light of the morning.
"We'll be there soon," I told the phone, and hung up.
An (over expensive) bus ride and dragging Alfred across the town later. I finally made it to Lucia's house. I couldn't help but face palm.
"A Lion King themed house? Really? I thought she was kidding!" The lawn was tastefully (well to an extent, they were Disney characters after all) decorated with Lion King characters, as well as landscapes from the movie painted directly onto the house. The personification of America shrugged.
"It was an okay movie- But I liked the baboon!" he commented. I started to feel a migraine.
"Whatever, Uncle Sam. Come on."
If you say anything negitive about the super cool Lion King house, I will personally hit you with Rafiki's stick.
Reveiws are much loved, and rewarded with brownies!