TEN WAYS TO PISS OFF A SWAT KAT CHARACTER: How to Start, Escape, and write the Aftermath, are included in this book!
AN: I was inspired by Bleach fan fics which pissed off the Bleach characters and from Autumn Wolf's 'Guidelines for living with Commander Feral and Kats' fic (which was funny by the way).
"Why are you doing this to us?" Chance growled tapping his foot angrily on the floor while staring at the author with a pissed off expression on his face.
"I was bored, I guess and-"
Jake cut him off. "I don't see anything wrong with it Chance. It's harmless right….? Then turned to the author to ask, "Isn't it?"
The author cocked one eyebrow, "Define harmless?" he asked, making Chance's eye twitch.
"You little….rrgh, let's just get this over with!" Chance huffed, crossing his arms.
"Oh, you're volunteering to be first? Alright if you want to," the author said, smiling innocently while Chance's eyes widened.
"Wait, wait, that's not what I meant!" he cried out.
Part One: Chance/T-bone
1. "Callie said WHAT!"
Tell him Callie just called him for a date and asked that he pick her up at her house (or somewhere else). He's not gullible but once you think about it he's been living with his partner for who knows how long and you're pretty sure he hasn't slept with a female for long time so he should take the bait fairly easily and really: (one) his junk is rather horny for some action, (two) it's Callie were talking about for god sakes, and (three) he isn't getting any younger.
You have either hours or minutes, depending on the traffic today, before he calls Callie to check your statement (pray he doesn't). The greatest advice I can give you is to hide where he will least likely find you. Jake might help with the gag or feel bad about it and blab to his buddy...it's a fifty-fifty crap shoot when you ask him for help. And do hide for the entire day; he has a short fuse, second only to the King... Commander Feral.
If you're caught:
Age 7-12 or a female: after he screams at you, cry like you never have before. He isn't the kind of tom to make others cry so he'll lower his ears and sigh depressingly then forgive you.
Age 13-17: he'll scream at you then ground you for six months... tops.
Male and older than 22: expect a whole world of pain when he gets back from the fake date with Callie.
SIDE NOTES: I'm a male but it's too much, Chance just looks so cute in that outfit when he's mad…Get a camera! Money!
2. "I want to make a bonfire with your comic books"
Warning: Fire! Do this outside! Only Adults age 18-and up!
When the mechanics are making barbeque hamburgers (or something equivalent) on that day, ask to help them with the cooking. Get everything ready, put the hamburgers inside to cook and add your favorite fire starter, PAPER! But not just any kind of normal boring blank paper, oh no, it's comic book paper fresh from Chance's hidden untouched comic book collection.
He'll figure out quickly so when he checks the burgers...run for your life.
Get ready to feel the dirt in your face when Chance tackles you, do curse his football years for giving him the advantage in this plot. Luckily, Jake will get him off you. REMEMBER: JAKE IS YOUR SAVIOR.
SIDE NOTES: You've got a little dirt on your cheek…um no it's still there…let me help you with that.
3. Retrieving his fears
Watch some movies but only show the parts where the characters drown then say things like: "God! Wonder how it feels to have water filling your throat like that?" or "You can barely breathe when drowning" and add sound affects of a drowning person. He'll surely be reminded why he fears water so much. On the matter of bugs ... simply add a whole lot of insects under his bedding while he's sleeping, say...around midnight. Suggest you wear earplugs to avoid being deafened by his screams of terror.
This gag is one where you don't have to escape as you can pretend to already be in bed and appear just after he screams right along with Jake. Remember to have an innocent expression on your face. He might not realize that you are responsible for years but don't forget Jake. The slim tom might have not been part of your joke but he definitely wouldn't appreciate you making Chance's fears return after working so hard to remove them. So he'll murder you before Chance does.
If Jake doesn't kill you, he might force you to sleep next to the now paranoid, scared out of his fucking mind, Chance. The tabby will whimper each time he sees a bug and hug you like a kitten would hug his/her teddy bear. He will follow you around for a year and I mean everywhere until Jake can raise enough money for a doctor to help his buddy out.
SIDE NOTES: Great job! You succeeded in breaking Chance's mind and confidence but don't fret, if you're a guy or a female who is a big fan of the tabby then you'll love the hugs he's going to give you at night.
4. High score!
There's this arcade game called 'Space Kats' in the garage waiting room. It's Chance's personal game which he plays for five to six hours at a time...tops. His score is 2 million points but it's beatable if you spend the right amount of time on it and understand the basics of the game and the pattern. In most arcade games the companies always put patterns which are noticeable. Beat his score and tell him you're not really into the game, that will piss him off big time.
There's really no telling what he might do if you beat his score but my advice to you is leave the salvage yard and never come back...if you smart.
If you don't escape then Chance will complain and swear that you cheated somehow. He'll carry on about how he's the better gamer in the house and how you're going down when he beats your score. Most likely he'll make you watch him play as he tries to beat your higher score no matter how long it takes. Anyway, be prepared to be bored mindlessly and have your ears filled with his crows of triumph or cries of anger for weeks, months, or even years to come
SIDE NOTES: Sometimes it makes you wonder if Jake is the only grown up tom in the garage.
5. It's muscles! Not fat!
Only do this in public. Call him 'fatso', 'chubby kitty' or 'fatty' instead of his name, loud enough for anyone to hear. The objective is to make him snap and take off his shirt in front of everyone while screaming "It's muscles you idiot! Not fat". When he realizes the consequences of his actions brings unwanted attention, he'll try to put his shirt back on but you'll grab it and run.
While he's busy chasing you, he'll be pelted by yelled comments from males and females alike, endure wolf whistles and insults as everyone reacts to the sight of a handsome half-naked tom running. It gets even funnier as he gets red in the face from guys soliciting him even though he's straight.
Chance will strangle you when he finally gets his shirt back and pulls it on but you won't care as you'll be laughing too hard and Jake won't help as he will be laughing his own ass off. Chance might well strangle Jake too when he's through with you.
SIDE NOTES: I guess it's not fat after all.
"Chance calm down….pff," Jake coaxed, trying to soothe his outraged partner while struggling to hold back his own laughter. But he lost the battle and began laughing hysterically while protecting the author from getting killed by the angry tabby.
"Get over here you little bastard so I can rearrange your face," Chance threatened, trying to get past his friend's body.
"I prefer my face remained untouched, thank you very much! Jake, help me!" the author cried behind the slim tom.
Jake was finally able to stop laughing enough to get his partner to calm down by saying, "Oh come on buddy, relax! …just five more to go and you're free then it's my turn and the others."
Chance huffed and bristled his fur. "Whatever!" he snarled looking up at the sky, rudely ignoring the author.
Jake frowned. "Come on buddy, make up to the author. This is all in fun and you're way too sensitive about it." When they both ignored him and gave him a 'wtf' look, he growled, "Do it now! Or I will use my martial arts and teach you both manners."
Eyeing him cautiously, Chance and the author paused in their mutual, angry staring match then looked at each other and shrugged. They hugged as commanded.
"See isn't it better to forgive and forget?" Jake said, a pleased smile on his face.
The two just stared at the slim tom nervously. Both thinking the same thing. He's scary and soo out of character!
AN: I'll make part two but for now, just read and review people. Also, if you want, give me an idea in the review for the next chapter or who would be next after Chance.