Pointless Crossover the Third
Warning: Incredibly pointless. Even more so than the first two Pointless Crossover's. Yet less funny.
Author Note: When they're in Santa Carla, it is 1987, just after the movie. When they're in Sunnydale, it is 2000/2001, during Season Five.
It had started as an ordinary day in the Murder Capital of the World. Edgar Frog, along with his brother, Alan Frog, were putting comics on the shelves. Sam Emerson was sitting in the shop with his dog Nanook, not really speaking to them. Their parents were passed out by the T.V. There weren't many customers. But the phone was ringing.
Edgar picked it up. "Hello?"
There was no answer.
"Hello?" Alan said into the phone.
No answer to him either.
Edgar was just about to put the phone back, when he noticed something. There was cold air blowing out from the phone, and he could hear something. But it wasn't a human voice, certainly not a human voice. It was deep and quiet, and there was a distinct rumble, like an animal growling. But the Frog brothers knew better than anyone, that this was no animal.
The air coming from the phone increased speed, and a wind was rushing towards them. Edgar and Alan were thrown backwards, into Sam. Nanook was barking and growling, trying to bite the phone.
"What's up with your dog?" Edgar shouted over the roar of the wind.
"My dog? What's up with your phone?" Sam shouted back. Edgar didn't know what to say to that, and it didn't matter, because the wind was getting worse. He held onto the table, trying not to be blown up to the ceiling. He looked around. Sam, Alan and Nanook were all gone.
"Where did you guys go!" He yelled. The wind was still getting stronger, and he couldn't hold on anymore. He let go. His screams melted into the sound of the wind as he felt himself being lifted up… and up…and up. He opened his eyes, which he hadn't even realised were closed. The wind had stopped. He hadn't hit the ceiling, and he didn't think he was in the comic shop now at all. He was… floating. He was nowhere. And it was boring as hell.
As if some malevolent deity had read his mind, he suddenly started hurtling towards the ground. He screamed. It seemed like forever just falling, falling, falling. And then he smacked into the ground.
"Edgar? Are you hurt?" Sam. He was standing over him, Nanook at his side. Alan was at his other side.
"What the hell was that?" He asked.
"No clue." Sam said. Edgar got to his feet, took two steps, stumbled, and fell.
"Crap," He muttered.
He touched the leg that he thought was injured. It was sticky. When he brought his hand back there was blood.
"Where are we?" Sam asked.
"How the hell are we supposed to know?" Edgar said.
"A cemetery." Alan said. "We're in a cemetery."
Sam looked around. He saw a man leaning against a crypt, with a cigarette lit between his lips. He walked over to him.
"Sir? Do you know where we are?" To Sam's mild surprise, the man did not seem at all confused by this question.
"Sunnydale, California, United States of America." The man said. "How come you're dressed like you're from the eighties? And people say I dress badly." This question confused Sam however.
"Because it is the eighties." Sam said, uncertainly. What was wrong with this person?
"No… It's 2000. What is this, time travel? And… Are those stakes!"
"Vampire!" Edgar said.
"How do you know about vampires?"
"Santa Carla's crawling with them! We make it our duty to fight them for Truth, Justice and the American Way!" Alan said
"Right… And I don't care about any of those things. But if you try to kill me, it's not fair at all, you see. 'Cause I got this little chip in my head, I can't hurt human's without getting a giant migraine. So I fight demons instead."
"What so you're like, a good vampire?" Sam asked.
"No!" Spike almost shouted. "I am not… I'm still… I'm not bloody good, alright! As soon as I get this bloody chip out of my bloody head, I'm going to go back to killing bloody humans again!"
It was quiet for a while. Then Sam spoke again.
"Don't you think you're overusing the word bloody a bit much?" He asked. And received a punch in the face in return.
"Ow! Bloody hell!" Spike was clutching his head.
"You think he's acting?" Alan asked, leaning close to his brother and dropping his voice as though that was stop Spike, Sam and Nanook from hearing them.
"I don't think so. But maybe we should stake him just in case." Edgar said. Alan nodded.
"Sam?" Michael Emerson called into the apparently empty shop. "Sammy? Where are you?"
"Maybe he's not here." Star suggested.
"He said he would be. The Frog brothers aren't here either, and they live here." Michael replied. He walked futher into the shop and saw that the comics were everywhere, scattered all over the floor.
"What happened?" He wondered.
Buffy walked into the cemetery for patrol like she usually did. And saw two teenage boys about to stake Spike. Once, she would have just let them stake him. But the chip complicated matters. She grabbed them both and threw them into a tombstone. Another boy ran over to them, but she knew they weren't really hurt. Buffy turned to face Spike.
"Seriously Spike, is it that much to ask for you to try and not nearly get staked?" She said sarcastically.
"Like you care." Spike said, lighting another cigarette.
Buffy looked over at the boys, and then back at Spike.
"Why are they dressed like that?" She asked.
"Time travel or something." Spike said. "They're from the eighties. Apparently from some place called Santa Carla."
"Santa Carla? The eighties? Do you think maybe we should put them back?"
"Since when do you care for my opinion?" Spike asked. Buffy made no reply. "Exactly. You don't. So, if you don't mind, I'll be going back to my crypt if there are no demons to kill." He threw the cigarette down and walked off. Buffy sighed and looked over at the boys.
"We need to get you toGiles."
The scooby gang were gathered in Giles' flat. Edgar, Alan and Sam were sitting around looking awkward. As was everyone else.
"Right, so… You say you're from the year 1987?" Giles asked.
"We are." Edgar said.
"In Santa Carla." Giles said. It wasn't a question, it was a statement.
"That's right." Edgar said.
"And you… Kill vampires?"
"In the Murder Capital of the World."
Giles cleaned his glasses, something that he tended to do when he was exasperated, as he was now.
"Well how did you get here?"
"The phone was ringing. We answered it. Wind came out of the phone. It knocked me and Alan into Sam. I hung onto the table. I let go of the table. And the wind knocked me about. And then I was floating. And then I fell. And I landed in that cemetery."
"So you don't really know?"
Giles cleaned his glasses again, sighing. He was so… exasperated!
They researched for hours, with few snacks and bathroom breaks, until finally, Giles found what he had been looking for.
"Ah! It's a demon-"
"How do I kill it?" Buffy asked.
"Buffy!" Giles said, exasper- I mean annoyed!
"What? If I kill it, they get to go back, right? That's what usually happens." Buffy said, pouting.
"Yes." Giles said, sighing and cleaning his glasses once more. "It must be beheaded and stabbed in the heart. A stake should work fine, but a metal weapon would also work."
"Great. That's all I need to know."
"So… how come you kill vampires?" Sam asked.
"I'm the Slayer. It's kinda my so-called destiny. Giles is my watcher… and you have no idea what a watcher is, do you? Well, tough. I am so not going to explain a detailed history of Watchers and Slayer Through the Ages. That's Giles's job."
They had arrived at the cemetery.
"Are you sure this is where that demon thing is?" Sam asked.
"Positive." Buffy said. She whirled around, just in time to block a blow from this… thing.
"Hey, Edgar, I think this is the one from that book." Sam said. The demon was large, at least eight feet tall, and very hairy. Just discernable in its face were two eyes, one dark red and one pale green. It had arms and legs and hand and feet, but it didn't have fingers and toes. Instead it had claws. Its gaze was locked on Sam and the Frog brothers. It was walking towards them. It walked slowly, almost as though it were wading through water or a swamp or… blood. Buffy took her axe out of her bag and swung. The demon's walk was deceiving. It leapt out of the way almost nimbly, landing on top on one of the headstones. Edgar ran after it, wooden stake at the ready. The demon leapt away again. Right in front of Buffy. She swung the axe again, and this time, she hit her target. Green blood spurted out of the wound, staining the hair covering the demon's body. But its skin was thick and its head wasn't off yet. Buffy swung again, feeling the axe hit something more solid. The bone. She kept hitting it.
Edgar picked up his stake again and ran towards it. It had nowhere to go this time, and the stake went deep into its heart. Immediately, Edgar felt himself bitten by wind once more. He didn't fight it, knowing it would take them home. When he felt himself hurtling at top speed towards the ground once more, he remained calm. He didn't scream. He stood up and looked around. The comics were everywhere, all over the floor. It was going to take forever to re-stack them!
"Um, guys? Where's Nanook? I can't see him!"
Spike sat down in his crypt and turned the T.V on. He felt something wet on his hand, and looked down.
"What the bloody hell? Since when have I had a husky!"