AN: Here we are.
What a short, ordinary journey it's been.
"Now look here, Batman. You can't just cut the city off from the rest of the country, or reality for that matter. The government won't let that nonsense slide. So either you return it, or we might just have a situation on our hands."
As Batman floats on his cloud he ponders the proposition, as respectable diplomats are wont. Respectable diplomats would not answer as Batman did, however.
"Blah, blah, blah. Come join us instead."
Before the soldier's astonished eyes, Batman's legs transform into smoke. Having not been blessed with the countenance of the Bat-genie before, the soldier politely screams the following question:
"What the hell are you?"
As the soldier cries tears of anguish and terror mixed with confusion, his godly adversary snarls.
"I! Am! Gothman!"
The soldier wails as Batman puts a finger to his lips as he ponders.
"Maybe that's not the best name."
As the soldier tries to grasp the situation while simultaneously losing his mind, hordes of his fellows are being surrounded by even more numerous hordes of Batmen, who are shouting merrily.
"One of us! One of us!"
And soon enough they do become one with Gotham. And they all smile.
Dick stands in an office at Arkham. His hair cascades on the back of his head like a waterfall. The Penguin, Cass, and Steph are also present. Their hair is inconsequential.
"Well, we better go through the Arkham files, see the most dangerous psyches Batman absorbed."
Steph checks her watch.
"Sounds like a dreadfully boring plan."
The Penguin huffs.
"I think it's a wonderful plan. Such a smart boy."
Dick blushes as he leafs through the reports.
"Let's see, Joker's diagnosis: Batshit crazy. How strange."
Cass nods in agreement or out of spite.
"Okay, then, Two-Face's diagnosis: Cuhrayzee. Hmm, I'm not familiar with the term."
Dick taps his lips in puzzlement.
"Poison Ivy: Bonkers. This must be written in code or something. Never knew the doctors here did so much hard work."
Steph peers around.
"Is the room getting darker?"
Dick clenches his jaw.
"I don't see anything."
Cass scratches her head.
"Do you hear a faint echo of "My parents are deeeeaaad! (But not anymoooore!)"?"
Dick's eyes bulge.
"I do not."
Batman's head pops out of the files in Dick's hands.
"Holy reddened buttocks, Batman!"
"Come to the mansion."
Batman's body swirls, the showing Joker nibbling on Black Mask's face, in a friendly way. It is a bit puzzling.
They disappear in a swirl of dark vengeance and spiked gauntlets and extreme concepts.
"Welcome home, kids! And Penguin."
Batman struts down the hall, buried in thought.
"I've brought you here today because I've decided to tell you of a way to keep things this way forever."
Cass cocks her head.
Batman's hands fly this way and that, dismissively.
"Oh, you know. The way we are right now. Do you enjoy life at the moment?"
Batman smiles and laughs.
"Excellent! Excellent! It's settled then. Now, I'm going to need a volunteer."
He grabs Dick and pries his mouth open.
"I need to punch through to another world and knock a certain someone out."
"What does my mouth have to do with it?"
Batman smiles reassuringly.
"It's not a widely known fact, but people's throats can serve as portals to other worlds."
Murmurs of relaxed astonishment come from the crowd. Batman prepares himself, then begins to piston in and out of Dick's mouth.
"This is very uncomfortable. Wait, how am I speaking?"
Beads of perspiration form on Bruce's forehead as he thrusts with wild abandon. In another universe a fist materializes out of a screen, hitting a hapless amateur writer who falls senseless to the floor. Batman curses. "Curses! It's not stopping. I was sure that was the guy. Anyway, I created another mouth in your left ear."
Dick clears his ear.
"Ahem. Wow. But you forgot to put lips. I can't stop drooling and it's very uncomfortable."
Bruce pulls out with a look of hurt.
"It's all about you, isn't it?"
Bruce throws up his hands.
"Suppose you'd be better at playing god, too. Would you like that, Dick? Godlike powers?"
"Why the hell not?"
With a snap of his fingers, Batman creates another omnipotent being. Dick leaves the physical plane.
He finds himself everywhere. His perspective is everything. The world is rather pretty, he supposes. But it's lacking a certain little something. Dick exercises his power and rearranges the stars, so that they resemble a human being in bondage.
Dickgod twitches and spasms happily. But soon he finds himself restrained to a single form in a single corner of the universe, falling. Suddenly, Catwoman! She grabs his hand with a grin. He smiles, relieved. Being a god is confusing and timeless, yet hurried. If it were a narrative, it would surely be annoying.
"Never let go," he whispers to his savior.
"I just did."
Catwoman's smirking face grows distant as he falls into the abyss.
Dick reappears in the physical plane, on the floor of Wayne Manor. He stands up, points a finger, and shouts.
"She ruined my godhood!"
Batman shakes his head, condescension in his voice.
"No, she only hastened your return. It would have happened anyway. The universe is rated PG-13. You can't have stuff of a sexual nature."
"Oh. How about violence?"
"Of course you can have violence. Violence is good. Sex is bad. Haven't I taught you this already?"
Dick doesn't answer, for he has noticed his pregnant brother.
"Geez, Jason, you've put on some weight."
Jason smiles as he twirls a wickedly curved dagger.
Dick clears his throat.
"So, uh, you're one of the good guys now, huh?"
Jason nods his head.
"Yep. I'm on the road to peace. And the road to peace is paved with severed limbs and decapitated heads."
"R-right. I'm glad to have you back. Sure am."
Jason smiles, then frowns. He falls over, grasping his throat. Starfire yelps.
"It's time! The children are coming!"
Dick stares at her, bewildered.
"I think he's suffocating."
Starfire smiles sweetly.
"Yes, the children are crawling up."
Dick puts on a horrified face. Batman is on top of everything however, even Jason. He pats his son on the head.
"Better use the spiritual breathing technique I learned in the depths of Madame Valeur's bordello."
Dick can hold back no longer.
Batman looks up disapprovingly.
"Stop acting like a child and make yourself useful. There are some pills in the attic. Go get them."
Dick needs no further incentive to dart out of the room.
As soon as he reaches the attic he finds himself faced with a man named Rhino, who smiles at him. Dick swallows. There is something disgusting in the man's arms, something hairy and rainbow-colored and beautiful.
"Do I…know you?"
The man Dick does not know is named Rhino smiles sadly now.
"I've always been here."
He pokes Dick in the chest, above his heart.
Dick smiles awkwardly and slowly turns around, accidentally leaving reality as he does so.
The hat falls off Dick's head and he finds himself in some villainous lair.
"Aaaaah! So it was all a dream?"
He raises the gun to his head.
"I can hardly tell," murmurs the Mad Hatter, "But you should pull the trigger all the same."
Dick does so, splattering parts of his brain onto the wall. Most of the contents of his skull seem content with hovering in the air, however, and flatly refuse to follow the laws of physics.
"I'm looking for the sunshine but I find only rain," Dick intones.
The Hatter sighs wearily.
"Too true. 'Twas in September, no?"
Dick finds himself back in the attic. A shadow passes by, then wicked claw marks start appearing on the walls.
"Oh, no! It's not even a full moon, though."
He flits between pondering and screaming as he runs. At the end of the hall Catwoman appears. She goes on all fours.
"Arr! Arr! Arrr-Miaaaoowww!"
Dick blinks at the grinning figure.
"You're just messing with me, aren't you?"
"And the claws tearing the walls apart?"
The good doctor steps out sheepishly.
"What? I'm a reporter. I'm just doing my job."
Dick walks over to a cabin, picking out the Bat-pregnancy-hoodoo pills.
"Let's get going, guys."
The trio arrives back in the living room just in time to see the last of Jason's offspring crawling out of his mouth. Dick fights the urge to throw up. He looks on with disgust as Starfire coos happily.
A hairless, cat-like creature with Jason's face flits past his view and he throws up a little. Batman raises his hand to get everyone's attention.
"Now that we've successfully averted that crisis," he frowns for a moment and kicks away one of the human kittens as it starts to gnaw his shiny boots, "it's time to create another one."
The gathered villains and heroes and Alfred all clap their hands.
"There's some git out there in another universe that we need to lay the smack down on. So everyone prepare your portals, and as Alfred sounds the trumpet, we'll all begin at the same time. Sooner or later we're bound to find the right sucker, and when that happens, I want you to be ready to be happy. Okay?"
The others roar quietly in agreement.
"Hurray," murmurs Baby Doll.
As the trumpet sounds Alfred they all thrust their hands down their throats. Across the universes fists and spittle strike hapless writer after hapless writer. Finally Batman raises his hand once more.
"I think we got him."
An elephant appears in the room, blushing. Dick gives Batman a sultry look and murmurs huskily, slowly removing his shirt in a provocative manner.
"I don't think it's stopping, Batman."
They begin again. Fists appear over the cosmos and other big words, but to no avail. Their quarry eludes them, perhaps he is just too smart. Besides, everyone knows you're always safe if you're smil-GACK