EXTERIOR SHOT: MONK'S CAFÉ.
INTERIOR SHOT: MONK'S CAFÉ; GEORGE AND JERRY SITTING IN THEIR USUAL BOOTH.
George is staring dumbfounded at a group of chicks sitting at the tables in the middle of the café. He's practically drooling and subconsciously picking at his quiche with his fork.
Jerry stares at him but when he can't get his attention he stoops down to George's level and looks directly into his eyes which do not meet with Jerry's. Just as Jerry is about to say something, George starts.
George: Jerry, I'm getting these symptoms.
Jerry: Yeah? Like what?
George: Every girl I see I just want to caress her, smother her with pro longed kisses...
Jerry: oh. –Jerry scrunches his face as he realizes. Sex deprivation? –George shrugs helplessly. So how longs it been?
George: (Utterly embarrassed) 2 years
Jerry: You've always told me your relationships were going great, even getting some of them into bed! HAVE YOU BEEN LYING TO ME FOR TWO YEARS?
George: NO! I just didn't think you wanted to know about my-my –George looks like he's trying to get his words out but is too embarrassed to continue.
Jerry: What? Do you kill them with your crazy driving before you get to sleep with them? –Jerry shakes his head. Speeding to the airport in 25 minutes nearly killed us.
George: 15 minutes actually.
Jerry: Or do you eventually realize you lit their house on fire and run out in an effort to save yourself when your girlfriend and all her kid's friends are in the burning house and injure the clown along the way?
George: My temperature was rising rapidly; I was beginning to feel dizzy, which is a symptom of claustrophobia. I'm not talking about near death experiences, Jerry, I'm talking physically I can't last.
Jerry: Ahhh, an inability to orgasm? Wait a second! You told me you lasted two minutes with Cindy, two minutes with Stella and one minute, thirty seconds with Sandy!
George: That's right. We lasted 2 minutes. One minute, fifty seven seconds to Sandy, 3 seconds to me.
Jerry: You're ridiculous! Your unconvincing conversations about Cindy left me in spasms of laughter.
George realizes that he has been caught out but hopes that Jerry will stop asking questions about his lies.
George: I-I haven't been lying…
Jerry smirks and decides to have fun with the situation. He knows he has caught George out.
Jerry: George, come on, you think you expect me to believe that you lasted a total of five minutes and thirty seconds with all of them? I mean its George Costanza we're talking about. You're unemployed. You haven't even left home yet! And your psychopath parents make you get home by 10:30. How are you supposed to hold down a relationship when every time you get her into bed you get a phone call from your mother saying-
Jerry puts on Mrs Costanza's high and annoying voice.
"Georgie! Are you coming home now? Who are you with? Where are you? Remember to get a box of red hair colour # 306 Just For Men and Clean Slate Black Forest Polish for your father's work shoes. Are you with a girl? Oh my god! Did I just hear a girl's voice? What are you doing with her, ohhhh my Georgie…"
You lying, deceiving bastard. You never lasted that long. So tell me, how long did you last?
Jerry looks at guilty George.
George: OK OK! These days, I can't even last one seconds. But-
Jerry: Haaaa! That'll be a hit if I ever write that for my stand up.
George: You comedians think you're so funny! It's bad Jerry. It's the same with every girl. The past 2 years have been filled with terrible, terrible sex. Already the humility is too much to bear Jerry, can you imagine if you start making jokes about it in front of hundreds of people?
Jerry: Don't worry; I'll make sure every girl in northern hemisphere is there. –George stares coldly. Relax. It's a joke!
George: Relax? How can I relax when this must be a record break! Tomorrow's headline: Man insane after 2 years bad sex. Jerry it's eating me slowly! I'm starting to have fantasies so intense it's like I'm delusional! Jerry what do I do? Next thing you know I'll be at a sex rehabilitation centre not because I can't get enough of it but because I've been so deprived.
Jerry: Do you think you're over reacting?
George: Over reacting? Is that a joke?-
Jerry: Yeah! This whole thing is a joke! Told you it'll work in my stand up.
George: Ok, why don't you try having terrible sex for 2 years and see how you feel? You'll be knocking down walls by 2 months
Jerry: Alright, alright.
ACTION 1: KRAMER SKIDS INTO THE SHOP AND SLOTS HIMSELF NEXT TO JERRY.
Kramer: Jerry, Jeeeeeery, I'm seeing things. About the future. It's like my brain has opened, I'm seeing things like never before. I'm having these revelations.
Jerry: Do you make it big time in the black market industry of shower heads?
Kramer: Naah, nah not like that
Jerry: If you saw George happily married, try the next life.
Kramer (serious, solemn, not totally listening to Jerry): That next life might come quicker than I thought.
Jerry: What do you mean?
Kramer: I had a vison about my death. I saw my death, just like that (clicks his fingers). Just like a draft that blows out candles. One second they shine, the next they've … I don't want to die Jerry!
Jerry: You didn't die from sex deprivation did you? (smirks at George)
Jerry: In your vision, what did you die from?
Kramer(melodramatically): A golf club to the temple!
George(to Jerry): You know, you should consider Kramer as your comedian apprentice, he'd make you millions.
Jerry(disapproving look to George): Big deal! Doesn't mean it's going to happen. What do you want? An espresso?
Kramer: No, no I'm off the coffee; it affects the brain you know.
George and Jerry laugh.
George: You think coffee affects your brain?
Kramer: (gets defensive) There's been scientific research!
George: (laughs) You mean to tell me that being a suspect for a serial killer and putting your clothes in the oven instead of the dryer and washing your plates in the shower is due to too much coffee? That makes me look like a genius.
Jerry: Ah so you're having these visions are due to too much coffee?
Kramer: No Jerry don't you see? If I start on the coffee again I will jeopardize people's lives. I saw my own death, who's to say I can't see other people's future?
Jerry: You're not like some miracle prophet. Would you let it go already?
Kramer: See it all started yesterday. Me and Newman went to play golf. It was his shot. I was standing behind him. (gets up and does a re-enactment) He was about to go for this really long shot and just before he swings the club back I see it. In my mind's eye you know? I can see the club hitting my face, breaking every joint (starts feeling his face) and so amazingly, I duck. Sure enough, crazy Newman-boy swings it high and misses my face by 10 inches. All along something was telling me, that guy's dangerous with a stick.
Jerry: What were you doing standing behind him?
Kramer: That's not the point Jerryo. I saw it before it happened!
Jerry: Oh come on. What else do you thinks gonna happen if you stand behind a guy who's got a club in his hand? Was it a club sandwhich? That's quite possible with Newman, the way he eats.
Kramer: Oh, don't underestimate the soon to be famous FIRE HOODS!
Jerry: What did you call him?
Kramer: Oh, uh, Newman made it up. It sounds like Tiger Woods.
Jerry shakes his head.
Kramer: Look if you don't think this is a big deal, fine. But don't come crying to me when I'm making my millions from telling people their future.
Jerry: Alright, I believe you. Why don't tell George's future. I'll start you off. The guy has been having bad sex for 2 years. When's it going to be his lucky day?
George: Thanks Jerry. This is a touchy topic. I'd don't appreciate you telling the whole world. But at least be consistent, I don't think the girls in Vegas heard you!
Jerry: Oh come on, only Kramer heard!
George: Yeah but once Kramer knows the whole party knows.
An elderly man walks past their table. He stops, leans over George and says in a husky voice:
Old Man: If you go down town, to 38th street, you'll find a small herb remedy shop, tell them you want Black Cohosh for Menopause…
He stares at George's utterly astonished and confused expression
Old Man: for men.
He walks off chuckling. George goes red.
Kramer: Hey, maybe he's got a point! Maybe you're going through a sort of menopause, one that men experience. You know, you're reaching mid-life and you start to question where your life is heading, what you want to do for the rest of your life. Maybe, lately, you've been stressing that you're wasting your life. You know?
Jerry: If your theory is correct George must've been suffering from menopause his whole life.
Kramer: Ah well, maybe he has. So why wasn't I invited to the wedding?
George and Jerry look at Kramer.
George: What wedding?
Kramer: Well, yours of course. Everyone knows that marriage and sex don't go together.
George: I'm not married!
Jerry: (puts a hand around his mouth and whispers): He's not lasting too long, if not, at all!
Kramer: Well then. Maybe you should get some meds for your premature ejaculation. You know what you do? Get some of these vitamin ZGs that I'm taking. The psychiatrist recommended them. –George and Jerry look at him in disbelief. He's an old friend of mine.
George: I'M NOT TRAPPED IN A PLATONIC MARRIAGE! I'M NOT SUFFERING FROM MENOPAUSE! –George stands up in a fit of desperation.
George: I'VE JUST BEEN HAVING THE WORST SEX FOR 2 WHOLE YEARS! –everyone in the cafe looks at George.
Kramer: (quietly to Jerry): I think it's getting to his head –Jerry rolls his eyes
Jerry: You're acting like your 15. Sit down. –George sits
Kramer: Has much changed since he was 15?
Jerry: (laughing): Well, he is still bald, and i don't just mean on his head. Nothing's changed. (seeing George red, utterly embarrassed and fuming)
Kramer: If you're not married and you're not suffering from premature ejaculation then it's your own fault you can't orgasm.
Kramer: (whispering): What difference does it make? The old man heard us and he was half deaf. Surely this whole café knows. Listen, you never finish what you start. Do all those girls get put off as soon as they hit the bedroom?
George: They are fine up until the final moment. When they want it and bam! I'm in there, even when I've done everything in the world to avoid it! And I know at any minute now they're going to discover the truth. But they're in the heat of the moment, ripping their clothes off.
Jerry: George, I'm eating here. Do you want me to throw up all over my food?
George: Especially the really demanding ones, they're the cause of my anxiety problem. As soon as I'm in the bag it's all over!
Jerry: This sort of thing happens to everybody –Kramer nods
Kramer: But 2 years? Seriously, you better take care of yourself.
George: I've had it! Can we quit discussing my needs at the table?
Kramer: Put out your hands; let me delve into your mind.
GEORGE STRUGGLES BUT KRAMER HAS HIM IN A FIRM HOLD.
Kramer: You're wasting your life away.
George: What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life.
Kramer: Ok, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?
Kramer: You got money?
Kramer: You got a woman?
Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
Kramer: Got a hot internet chick?
Kramer: Have you got a decent car?
Kramer: Got any connections at all?
Kramer: You got anything on the horizon?
George: Uh, no.
Kramer: Do you have any action in your life?
Kramer: Do you even have a conceivable reason for getting up in the morning?
George: I like to get the daily news.
Kramer: Can you hook up with an old girlfriend to get back your confidence?
George: Doesn't look like it.
Kramer: This is exactly why I have to tell you your future!
George: No I don't want to know if I'll never have good sex again! Goodbye happiness. Goodbye! Say goodbye to your life George!
Kramer: calm down, would ya? (Kramer goes into a trance!) Ohhhh, noo George you don't want to know. No I can't tell you!
George: What? What do you see! Do I have at least one decent orgasm before I die?
Kramer: No, no, no, it's bad George
George: Tell me. You think you're so smart. You got hair like Einstein but you can't even act like him for 5 seconds!
Kramer: Ok (composes himself) nooo i can't!
Kramer runs out of the shop. George runs after him and yells at him outside. He comes back in and sits down in a mess
George: I'll never ever have good sex again! I bet that's what he saw! Goodbye MANDY, Goodbye PARIS!
Jerry: Who's Mandy and Paris?
George: (blushes) N-nobody. Jerry, my sex life is over! Maybe it's just a mid life crisis. They're only temporary aren't they?
Jerry: I'll tell you once you've told me who these women are
George: (totally ignoring Jerry) I don't understand all these celebrities who go to get sex rehabilitation. They're addicted and still not happy! They get it for nothing and we have to work for it. Is that a fair society Jerry? Are living in a fair society?
Kramer walks back in the shop.
Kramer: Now before you rip my head off, and act like you've been deprived of sex for two years (winks at Jerry) Have you ever tried to fake it?
Kramer: Fake it. Aw, you telling me you've never faked it?
George: I have never faked an orgasm because I never needed to! (rips his glasses off and throws them on the table. Rubs his face.)
Kramer: What kind of real man has never faked an orgasm?
George: Have you done it?
Kramer: Hell, I do it all the time. You know I pulled off a fake one once, it lasted 2 minutes?
George: Yeah? Jerry, this is it! This is the answer to my crisis. Oh there must be a god up there. This is brilliant; it's the key to problem!
Jerry: You're taking advice from someone who is friends with Newman, imports Yugoslavian shower heads from the black market and puts reverse peep holes in his doors to prevent an ambush?
George: Jerry, if it's the only thing that'll save me I'll take that risk!
Kramer: One problem, you're going to need to take a few acting classes and uh-Kramer is walking towards the door, when he has his hand on the door knob he yells
Just to let you know I never faked it! I'm too good!
FREEZE ON GEORGE'S DISTORTED FACE
EXTERIOR SHOT: MONK'S CAFÉ
SIENFELD MUSIC ENDS