Disclaimer:I don't own Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha.

WARNINGS: Hayate on high, [Possible] Out-Of-Character Vita (but I have a feeling anybody would act like that if you've grown up with Hayate on high. Anyway! If you're a little prissy with characters and plots, I don't think you're going to enjoy this one. But if you're just a person out for a light-hearted read, I hope this fits the description.)

A/N: Sorry if this seems a bit failed, but the old draft for this one got erased along with a few of the chapters I've written for the past year I've been writing fanfiction. -_-"

Yagami Hayate no Yuutsu

Chapter 1

Whenever someone walks up to me and asks 'Since when did you stop believing in Santa Claus?', I'd sigh, take out a notebook, add one line to the long tally under 'Santa Claus' (five spaces below 'Easter Bunny' and ten spaces before 'Big Foot'), and then walk away while the person's confused by my actions.

In case anyone hasn't figured out that this was a very very very very common occurrence, I guess I'll add that this is my fifth notebook, and the tallies have reached at the second to the last page.

Fifth notebook, meaning it doesn't count the lines I scratched in on random slips of paper whenever I forget to bring it.

Now I know what you're thinking: Why are random people walking up to me to ask my opinion about imaginary creatures? Look left.

…Not my left, you dumbass. Left as in left!

If you're looking at the brown-haired girl with a blue book in her hands, then congratulations, you've fully mastered figuring out left from right. Pretty normal-looking, right? Well, wait for a few seconds and—

"Hey Vita-chan, is it possible for Cupid to fall in love with an amoeba if he swallowed his own love arrow while looking at a microscope?"

…I don't even think it's possible for anyone to swallow a normal arrow.

Well everyone, meet Yagami Hayate, Class 2-C of Uminari Senior High School, otherwise known as: Iincho-san, the weirdo from the Student Council, that crazy senpai/kohai, and Uminari City's Golden Witch.

…In case you haven't noticed, that last title was self-proclaimed.

Strangely enough, this girl's been my classmate ever since I moved into Uminari City seven years ago.

What does this have to do with people asking me if I can get the Tooth Fairy to leave a larger amount of money (Don't ask.)? Let's go back to a point in time I'd like to call: Middle School.

=Year 20XV: St. Hilde Girls' Academy=

It was a few minutes past eleven, and I was resting my head on my hand, trying to tune in to what one of my new classmates was saying. Our kind-looking Homeroom teacher decided to initiate one of the most basic traditions of school: self-introductions.

Now don't get me wrong, I know that I should be doing nothing but listening since most of the girls were new faces and all, but with the untimely heavy rain pummeling the windows on a supposedly spring day, it was normal to feel drowsy and drained.

Besides, it's not like I really have to worry about what to say. I was sitting by the window on the far left, making me one of the last people to speak. And when it's finally my turn, I'll probably do what Signum says and tell them: Vita Eisenberg. Age 12. I want to be a bodyguard.

With that agenda solved, I went back to listening (well, attempting to listen) to the same monotonous tones that practically say the same thing. I was about to fall asleep when—

There was a 'BOOM!' (where it came from, I have no idea) and a "GREETINGS MORTALS! !", and the next thing I see, Hayate was standing on her desk, crossing her arms with an all-too-familiar vibe I'd so adequately describe as 'Hayate Playing God'.

Sorry, that was a lie. A more adequate description would be: 'Hayate Wreaking Havoc in 3…2…1…'

"I am Yagami Hayate! My dream is to build the Yagami Yuri Brigade! I have absolutely no interest in boys and bland human girls!"

I rub my temples as the rest of the girls and the homeroom teacher gape at my childhood tormentor, who was grinning since she was probably thinking that being straight to the point was the best way to make a very epic, awesome-sprinkled first impression.

Though apparently, the sky begged to differ, since a very bright bolt of lightning struck the nearby grounds, just as Hayate started speaking again.

"So if you are an alien, an angel of death, a vampire, a time-traveler, or a girl with a weird fetish, let's join together and find more of our comrades!"

With the wind rattling the windows and thunder roaring, I'm pretty sure even paranormal folks would take Hayate's 'Very epic, awesome-sprinkled first impression' as sweet, sacred words of advice that say 'STAY THE HELL AWAY', which I was now considering on doing as well, until—

"But if you're a normal human, female, and interested, you're free to join the search with Vita-chan and me!"

—my chances of putting up a decent image and having a peaceful school life were drop-kicked out of the window before I could open my mouth.

…And from then on I've been dragged who knows how many times into extreme situations, all having varying degrees of insanity, idiocy, and of course—since this is Hayate we're talking about— cosplay and perversion. Either Hayate's been praying (read: cursing. With what you've been reading I doubt you can picture her kneeling in a nun costume without having some sort of reaction.) I get pulled into all her messes, or Kami-sama decided that it would be wonderful to have some form of entertainment and decided to assign me as the straight man in some bizarre (and not to mention perverted) divine comedy.

Well, at least I'm proud to say that out of five years of extremely blatant searching, Hayate's never found any supernatural beings at all. Only five lifetimes worth of trouble and shame which were mostly for me, but no supernatural beings that can get us ten more lifetimes worth of complete and utter chaos.

At least, not yet.

Now I'm pretty sure some god up there is out to get me.