A/N: The last time I updated this was December 2011. It's been a while! This idea came from chatting with Celebwen Telcontar. It was kind of a joke, but I thought it was epic and had to write it ASAP.
Fights between mages were a normal occurrence in Fairy Tail. However, nobody could remember when Happy, of all people, challenged another mage to a fight.
Let alone someone a strong as Loke!
Yet here they were, both a bit beaten up already, panting, round kitty eyes glaring at the pointed gaze of a Lion. Loke had claw scratches on his arms and face; Happy had charred hair from burning flashes of light and a swollen bruise on his cheek from a well-placed punch. All around them, tables laid in disarray, flipped over, smashed to pieces, with mages standing to the sidelines, totally clueless what to do about this utterly uneven brawl. Lucy had desperately tried to stop them, but when that didn't work, she raced off to find Natsu. If Happy would listen to anyone, it was him.
"It's mine, Loke," the Exceed hissed, crouched and ready to pounce.
A low growl rumbled in the Lion's chest. "Lucy bought it, so obviously it's meant for me."
"Ano," Wendy muttered timidly, pressing her forefingers together. "Actually, Lucy bought that fish for me and Carla..."
"Of course!" Happy shouted over her, startling the little girl. "Lucy said last week that she would buy me a fish so that I could give it to Carla as a get-well present."
Loke scoffed at such reasons. "Lucy told me yesterday that she was going to make me sushi. Obviously, this fish was meant for our romantic dinner." He glared hard. "And I'm not handing it over!"
"You and Lucy? Keep dreaming, pervy-Lion!"
Loke scowled, and it almost seemed like his orange hair fluffed up more in cat-like rage. "Look who's talking, tuna-breath. With an ungentlemanly attitude like this, Carla will never accept a fish from you, so just admit you've lost."
"That's not true! She's just shy. You've already confessed to Lucy, and she turns you down every time. Maybe if you stopped flirting with every girl you see like a cat in heat, Lucy would allow you to kiss her, rather than shove your face away every time you try."
"Maybe if you stopped being as destructive and that Dragon Slayer, Carla would at least accept your fish and call you something better than male cat. Lucy calls me her prince!" he boasted.
"You're the only one who calls yourself a prince," Happy shouted.
He leaped into the air, white wings magically appeared, and he divebombed Loke's head, knocking his blue sunglasses off. Then while Loke was distracted, Happy grabbed the fish in question.
"That's Lucy's sushi dinner for me, you stupid cat-thief. Unforgivable!" Loke's hands went together, and a brilliant golden glow radiated from his ring. "Regulus Impa-..."
He was frozen by that woman's voice and looked around in shock. "L-Lucy!"
Happy had his sharp claws poised, flying in a rage at Loke with the fish in his mouth and bloodlust in his eyes. However, just before he could scratch him up, a hand shot out and grabbed Happy by the tail. He was yanked back hard and into a white scarf.
"Natsu?" he asked in shock.
The dragon slayer looked down in disapproval. "Why would you pick a fight with Loke?"
Natsu pulled out a massive fish, three times larger than the one they were fighting over. Happy's mouth dropped open, and the smaller fish fell onto a nearby table. He began to drool at the size of the catch.
Natsu gave him a beaming smile. "What have I always told you? Leave small game alone and aim for something bigger."
Meanwhile, Lucy stomped up to Loke and bopped him on the nose. "Really! Picking a fight with Happy? Have you no shame as a Lion?"
"He started it," Loke insisted, pointing at the cat who was now drooling all over Natsu's shoulder as he eyed the huge fish. "He was trying to steal the fish you brought in. That fish is for our sushi dinner tonight, right? You promised!"
"That fish is absolutely no good for sushi," Lucy told him. "I bought it for Wendy to make Carla a nice dinner since she was sick all week." She sighed and rubbed out a vein pounding in her head. "Honestly, you're a real idiot. I said I'd buy you sushi, not make it myself. I bought some especially for you, too."
Loke's eyes gleamed with hearts. "You bought something just for me?"
"Yes, your favorite kind, and I even got you this." She held up a pouch with dried leaves on the bottom.
Loke's body leaned in eagerly. "C-c-c-catnip? You got me catnip. Oh, Lucy!" He puckered his lips and leaned in, but she pressed her hand out, easily holding him back.
"Apologize to Happy right now or you don't get any."
Loke turned to where Happy and Natsu stood. "Sorry about punching you."
Happy said nothing at first, and Natsu stared down firmly. "Happy, apologize as well, or no fish."
Happy was still in a fish-daze as he muttered, "Sorry for scratching you, Loke."
Natsu looked over to Lucy, and she nodded. That was good enough. At least there should be no bad feelings when their team went on another mission. Still, all this ruckus...
"CATNIP!" Loke grabbed Lucy into a hug. "You really got me some. And sushi! Oh Lucy, you're the best princess ever."
"Waaah, let me go! Can't...breathe..."
Loke suddenly lifted her into his arms. "We'll celebrate with catnip now. I'll have bad munchies afterward, so we can eat later. Catnip!" He ran out of the guild with Lucy flailing and screaming at him to put her down.
Happy looked over to Natsu. "I want catnip, too."
"No," the dragon slayer said firmly. "I'm still paying for damages from the last time you had some. Come on, we'll go cook up this fish."
Wendy walked over to the fish. It was a bit beaten up with Happy's teeth marks in it, but somehow it was still in one piece. "I suppose I can still make Carla some fish soup with this." She sighed and shook her head. All this fighting over one fish!