Author's Note: Ohhh, yeah. I'm back. After years of anoni…anomity…anino-NOT BEING HERE, I have returned. I've been busy as heck. I've graduated from college, I've moved out of the house, and I'm looking for work. What can I say? Life is busy.
You may know me as Dilly-Oh, all-around idiot and slap-stick comedian. I've taken all 26 episodes of the animes Escaflowne and the 50 episodes of Blood + and, for lack of a better term, ripped them a new one. I enjoy taking serious, emotional animes and making them complete and utter hilarity. I guess I'm just sick like that.
I've finally found another anime series worth parodying. The victim of choice this time is none other than Ao no Exorcist, also known as Blue Exorcist. I plan to take every episode from the series and give it a comedic face-lift for your amusement. Here we go! *Rubs hands together gleefully.* Now please, read and enjoy. Any reviews would be appreciated.
Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.
Demons Live in the Stupid Heart
In a darkened temple room lit only by the soft glow of many candles, dozens of monks prayed feverishly. Their prayers with tinged with desperation, as if they were trying to keep something at bay with all their might.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference…" One monk was muttering to himself. He caught strange looks from several of the others. "What? I'm a recovering alcoholic! Back off!"
"Just say it right!"
"I'll buy you a drink afterward."
The praying began once again with fervor. It was, however, too late.
An air of foreboding suddenly swept through the room, candles guttering out, religious statues weeping crimson tears, jackals howling - how the heck did they get in here? - Edward turning to Bella with his I-Have-To-Poop-Face- OKAY SERIOUS GET THE HELL OUT. Go sparkle somewhere else!
"Ahh! AHH!" One monk suddenly broke off from the chanting and jerked violently, gasping. The others fell back, eyes wide with fear.
"Oh no! Are you-"
"Ahh-CHOO!" The monk finished with an explosive sneeze, sniffled, and wiped his nose.
Silence filled the temple room.
"God bless you," someone stated from the back.
"Don't scare us like that again, asshole!" Someone else barked, and the praying resumed. It wasn't long before there was another interruption.
"Okay, you're not gonna fool us this time, man! You don't have to be such a-"
"AUUUUUGH!" Blue flames suddenly burst forth from the monk's eyes and mouth, engulfing him in a merciless inferno.
The sinister power moved quickly, more and more monks falling victim to the hungry flames. Up on the altar, a monk turned and spoke to the head priest.
"This is bad! We should retreat!"
"No!" The head priest stubbornly refused, shaking his head. "Don't you understand? We're nameless characters in this anime, this is our only screen-time! We gotta milk this cow's teat for as long as we can! It's only a matter of time until-"
The head priest burst into blue flames, cutting his impassioned speech short.
"Nice going, man!" One surviving monk complained, kicking the ashy remains of the first monk to fall victim to the flames. "You gave everyone your cold! I hope you're happy!"
"…Oh God please let him be next." Another whispered under his breath.
Outside, blue flames enveloped the church in a loving embrace. If love caused irreversible tissue scarring and third-degree burns, that is.
A young man with silver hair and face piercings went flying backward, sent reeling by a punch delivered by another boy with messy, dark hair and an angry expression. The punk's friends helped him to his feet, squealing with fear.
"Eeek! Rin Okumura! What is he? A Demon?" One whimpered.
"Uhh, well yeah, man, haven't you read the manga-" Another friend began.
"Shut up and stop spoiling the plot!" The punk snarled, cutting them off. "Let's just go!" The group of hoodlums departed, muttering to one another darkly.
"Snape kills Dumbledore? No way, man! I don't believe you!"
"It's true! And I'm telling you, Rosebud is a sleigh!"
Rin stood in the abandoned parking lot, several dead pigeons lying limp at his feet. He sighed deeply, considering his bruised knuckles and feeling the pain of the ones on his face.
"I did it again…I got in a fight…" he muttered. "Maybe I should go see Dr. Phil about my inner cesspool of rage…"
"Yeah, you need help, man!" A little girl piped up from across the street. Rin whirled around to glare at her.
"Screw you, brat! I don't have an anger problem!" He ran toward her, roaring like a linebacker.
Rin had returned home to the modest church in the midst of a busy city where he lived. He grumpily sat in the confessional, being grilled by his foster father, Reverend Fujimoto.
"Where did you get those wounds?" His father asked, low and dangerous.
"I fell down some stairs," Rin snapped back. Fujimoto frowned.
"…You sound like an abused housewife, Rin." He paused. "How did you get the dirt on your back?"
"I…I didn't clean the dishes good enough."
"Okay, NOW you're just being a little SHIT-"
"I didn't do anything bad!" Rin protested. Fujimoto growled.
"Oh? And how about the nosebleed?"
"What the hell, dad?"
"What are you doing with your life, Rin?" Fujimoto suddenly exploded, raging at his son. "You keep losing your part-time jobs! Do you expect to stay here at the church your whole life?"
"Screw you, dad!" Rin roared back, clutching his nose. "I'm an adult, dammit! I…I wipe my ass REAL good!"
"…Which reminds me," Fujimoto stated, "go wash your hands."
Just then, Yukio- MOLES. …Okay, sorry, I just MOLEY MOLEY MOLES. Sorry. That kid has got alotta moles on his face. Kinda distracting. *Ahem*.
Just then, Yukio, Rin's twin brother, walked up. As his twin, he shared a resemblance to Rin, though was rather cleaner, wore glasses, and had several hundred moles on his face. Okay, kidding, he's got three.
"Father," Yukio began pleasantly, "I have finished the preparations for moving." He paused for a moment. "I also saved a starving kitty from drowning in a well and found a cure for cancer. Is there anything else you need me for?"
"NEEEEEEERD!" Rin called out. Yukio smiled at him, oblivious.
"Oh, hello, Rin! I didn't see- why do I smell shit in here?"
"It's dad!" Rin cried. "He's so old he crapped himself!"
"That's it! Fatherly Headlock of Love!"
"BLEAAAAARGH! Love, why do you hurt so good?"
Behind the squabbling three, several members of the church snickered to themselves as they cleaned the church's windows with rags.
"I can't believe those two are twins! I mean, they're complete opposites! Yukio is a genius, and Rin still has trouble tying his own shoelaces! They're like the Olsen Twins, only marginally more attractive!"
"Shut UP!" Rin turned, roaring at them.
At that same instant, the small heater nearby exploded with a gout of blue flames.
"…Yukio also still has his eyebrows."
As Fujimoto fussed with the ruined furnace, another member of the church approached. "Reverend Fujimoto, you have a guest."
He glanced up, frowning.
"Look, if this is that hooker from before, tell her I specifically told her to come in using the BACK entrance-"
"Actually, it's…someone else."
"Oh." Fujimoto blinked. "…Forget I said anything." He slowly sidled off, leaving the others in a bubble of awkward silence.
"…Dad….is SO cool." Rin stated.
Rin and Yukio now sat in a secluded, quiet room of the church, the younger twin treating the older twin's injuries with great care. Needless to say, Rin wasn't quite so appreciative of the medical treatment.
"IIIEEEEEE! It HUUUUURTS! Gawd, it's like childbirth with my FINGERS!"
"AAAAAAA- what?" Rin broke off screaming and stared at Yukio.
"I haven't even gotten the iodine out yet."
"Oh." Rin paused. "Sorry." He glanced around the room and caught sight of several boxes tucked away in the corner. "So…you're moving to the dorms of True Cross Academy soon, huh? Make sure to go to all the late-night crack parties and score with all the hot chicks!"
"Just kidding. You'll probably get swirlies every day and become someone's bitch. Ooop!" Rin held up a hand to be high-fived.
Yukio smacked it quite harder than was necessary.
Yukio finished up treating Rin's wounds, his bruised knuckles covered in bandages and ointment. Rin grinned.
"You'll make a great doctor," he told his twin. "I just know you will! And if that doesn't work, you can always join the circus with your fascinatingly disturbing mole-face- OH GOD MY EYES IT BURNS!"
"Sorry, my hand slipped," Yukio said innocently, lowering the bottle of iodine and screwing on the cap. He sighed and became serious. "Rin, will you be alright without me? I worry about you guys. About you…dad…the church…blah blah blah-"
Rin had long since stopped listening, and was busy staring off into space, mouth agape and drooling a little, eyes glazing over as memories of earlier that day came back to him…
-Earlier That Day-
The silver-haired punk with piercings laughed cruelly, shooting pigeons with a crossbow- wait, WHAT? Shooting PIGEONS? That sick SHIT! I absolutely LOVE pigeons! They're adorable! They coo and bob their heads when they walk! That's it! SIC 'EM, RIN!
"Don't mind if I do!" Rin winked and turned to the hooligans and their leader as they committed atrocities in an abandoned car lot. "HEY! What the heck do you think you're doing?"
"Shut up!" The punk snapped, whipping the crossbow up and shooting a bolt into the tree directly beside Rin. Rin did a double-take, exchanging glances between the arrow and the punk.
"Hey, man! What did the tree ever do to you?"
"I was aiming at you, dumbass!"
"Oh." Rin grabbed the arrow and ripped it free from the tree's bark. "This is going up your URETHRA!" He hissed dangerously, brandishing the offending bolt.
His threat was met with confused silence.
"Oh." The punk blinked. "AUUUUUGH!"
-Back to the Present!-
"…and then I realized how good I looked in tights, so I…HEY! Rin! Are you even listening to me?" Yukio broke off his rambling to glare daggers of indignation. Rin blinked and guiltily stared at his brother.
"S…sure I was! Uh…how many 'blah's was that?"
"Forget it." Yukio turned away.
"Yukio…" He turned back, surprised at his elder brother's solemn expression. Slowly Rin held up a marker. "Can I connect the dots on your face?"
Yukio heaved a sigh.
"Just this one last time."
"YAY!" Rin squealed with glee and uncapped the marker.
"We can use it afterward to draw you some new eyebrows."
"YOU SON OF A-"
"Maybe this is like a test from God?" Yukio interrupted suddenly. "All this crap you have to go through, you know?" Rin frowned.
"If so, I think I'm flunking." He considered it for a moment. "Think there's any extra credit?"
"Hey, Rin!" Several members of the church entered the small room, grins on their faces. "We found you a part-time job!"
"Okay," Rin growled out, "if you assholes signed me up for Chippendales again, I'm gonna kill you. You've had your laugh, I'm not going back no matter HOW much they beg, and-"
"No! It's at a grocery store!"
"So…I get to keep my clothes on?"
"How about my underwear?"
Rin was hustled out of the church, borrowing a suit and tie from others for the interview. The suit fit fine (but did nothing for his ass) but the tie presented a major problem. Rin was unable to tie it properly no matter how many times he tried, and after the tenth attempt only resulted in nearly hanging himself, decided to just go without.
"Forget it!" He steamed, storming out the front door in a huff. He stopped short upon catching sight of his father with a woman and child by the front gates. As Fujimoto waved goodbye to the departing couple, Rin drew near.
"Wow, a hooker with a kid? That's a new low for you, dad."
"You want another headlock?" Fujimoto asked dangerously. Rin gulped and shook his head. His father raised a curious brow. "What's with the suit? Don't tell me they signed you up for Chippendales again."
"No!" Rin sputtered. "I have a job interview!"
"Oh, alright. Where's the tie?"
"Up your ASS-"
"Here, let me." Fujimoto smiled and held out his hand. Rin reluctantly handed it over. As Fujimoto stepped close and expertly began affixing the tie, he continued talking in a gentle voice. "You've gotten so big, Rin! You were so cute when you were little, yelling 'papa, papa' all the time!" He finished the knot with a tug and stepped back. "There! All done. How do you feel?" Rin paused before answering.
"…Let's leave it at that." Reverend Fujimoto slowly backed away.
Rin sat fidgeting in the cramped office room, his potential employer glaring at him over her glasses. Want to know what she looks like? Take a pig, stuff it in a dress, give it an orange wig, and there ya go. Rowr.
"Okumura Rin," she snapped, eyeing him suspiciously. "Fifteen years old. You want to work right out of high-school. Why should I hire you?"
"…You want me to take my clothes off?"
Needless to say, she did not. Instead, she set him working odd jobs around the store, all quite impossible (especially the one where she demanded he make her more attractive). Obviously, Rin failed at them all (and simply busted up laughing at that last order) and was now hunched over in an aisle of the store, shamed and dejected.
"Cheer up, honey," a kind woman worker said. "This store isn't doing too good, anyway. They might have to close it soon. If only we could get more people in here!"
A light-bulb went off in Rin's head, promptly fizzled out, and set his brain on fire. As smoke trickled from his ears, he stood up, grinning.
"I think I can help with that!"
Rin quickly began using his Chippendales skills for maximum female enjoyment, stripping off his clothes to a techno beat and attracting hordes of girls into the store, all squealing and showering him with dollar bills. Business was quickly booming, and the pig-boss from before came charging up, snorting.
"What the hell is going on here?" She demanded. Upon catching sight of Rin gyrating his hips, she paused, reflective for a moment, then made her decision known. A pair of panties flew through the air and hit Rin in the face.
"OHSHITGROSS! I think I just threw up a little!"
"I got the job!" Rin said excitedly into the phone.
"Congrats!" Yukio answered from the other line at the church. "I know you could do it! When do you- is that TECHNO I hear in the back?"
Loud beat music filled the phone from across the line. Yukio waited.
"…How exactly did you get the job?"
"You don't wanna know." Rin paused. "It involves panties."
Yukio hung up.
"MOLES!" Rin barked into the beeping phone, slamming it onto the hook. Exiting the phone-booth, he was heading back toward the store when he saw a little girl running through the parking lot, chasing her scarf. Dashing up, he caught the unruly scarf, and turned to the girl.
"Hey!" He said. "I know you! You're the hooker's daughter!"
Suddenly the scarf twitched. Rin looked down to see an ugly little gremlin with long arms and a tail clutching one end.
"!" The little Demon sneered at him, then took off into the store, the scarf trailing behind. Rin chased after it, causing destruction and mayhem among the aisles, until finally he cornered the creature. There, the gremlin tipped over a huge stack of boxes next to the little girl and let go of the scarf. Rin gasped.
Rin threw himself forward, shoving the little girl away - and into the path of the falling boxes - and snatching up the scarf before it could hit the ground. "You almost got it dirty! Here, I saved your scarf! You're wel-"
Blood was leaking out from underneath the mountain of fallen boxes.
Night had fallen over the city. Rin sat on a swing in an empty playground, forlorn. Yukio appeared nearby and approached his brother, concerned.
"Rin, there you are. We've been waiting for you. Come on, let's go home."
"I can't," Rin mumbled miserably, staring at the ground. Yukio stepped closer.
"Rin? What's wrong?"
"Yukio, I…I…" Rin looked up into his brother's eyes. "I'm pregnant."
"Just kidding." Rin turned away. "I got fired."
"Because I wouldn't give my boss my number, okay? So she fired me!"
"Rin, that's ridiculous. I'm sure she's not that baaaAAAUUUOOHMIGOD!" Yukio recoiled in horror as Rin held up his phone, a photo of his boss on the screen. "I think I just threw up in my mouth a little."
"It happens." Rin paused. "I also might have killed a little girl at some point, but I saved her scarf, and isn't that what's REALLY important?"
"You're so irresponsible!" Yukio exploded. "You need to grow up, Rin! Why are you so careless?"
Rin stared at the ground, silent for a long moment. Suddenly he kicked back and let himself swing forward, legs in the air.
"Dammit, Rin! Nevermind! I'm going home!" Yukio turned to leave.
"Wait, Yukio! Push me!"
"NO! You're such a-"
"I'll push you afterward!"
"Really? Hot DOG!" Yukio quickly gave Rin an under-duck.
-Several Under-Ducks Later-
Rin and Yukio returned home after a swinging-competition to find a strange man speaking with their father on the porch. Rin stopped short upon realizing the man was the father of Yui, the little girl he killed- I mean saved.
"If this is about your daughter," he stated, "she pushed HERSELF under those boxes." He paused. "It's true. I've seen it happen before." Yui's father scowled.
"I just came here to tell you that Yui is expected to make a full recovery," he began.
"And to stick you with the hospital bill," he finished.
"What's that, Rin?" Fujimoto asked innocently, cocking his head. "Hug you until your ribs snap? Well, alright." He happily obliged, effectively shutting up his child with a violent hug of love/pain.
Yui's father left, flipping Rin off as he did. Fujimoto heaved a deep sigh.
"Rin, you're grounded for a while."
"What? WHY?" Rin sputtered from the ground, clutching his ribs.
"Because of THIS!" Fujimoto held up a bill from the pig-boss. "This is for the damage you did at the grocery store!" He dropped the bill on Rin's face. "Make the call."
"Son of a…" Rin rooted about in his pocket and pulled out his phone, flipping it open and dialing. "Hello, Chippendales? Hi, it's me again…"
-The Next Day-
The next day, Rin awoke to an empty room. Yukio had already left for True Cross Academy and Rin couldn't help but feel a bit lonely. He yawned, glanced out the window, and choked aloud.
Dashing downstairs, Rin ran outside the church and gaped. Tiny black dust motes drifted through the air, millions of them. The small specks had eyes and tails, like miniscule Demons. No-one else seemed to notice their presence and went about their business, undisturbed.
"What ARE these things?" Rin goggled, waving his hand at one. "They look like some kind of dust, or soot- OH. MY. GOD." He paused. "Are these those Soot Sprites from My Neighbor Totoro? OMG where is he? I wanna SQUEEZE him!"
"Okumuuuuura!" A chilling voice called. Rin turned to find the silver-haired punk with piercings and his small group of cohorts grinning from across the road. The boy sported bandages on his face, as well as a large cast on his private area.
"…You're…NOT…Totoro." Rin ground out, eyes narrowed.
"No, but…I can…take you to him?" The punk said hopefully. Rin's face lit up.
"SWEET!" He skipped across the road toward the hooligans, singing as he went. "To-to-ro, To-TO-ro!"
-Several Minutes Later-
Rin stood with the juvenile delinquents in a back alley, trash in the gutters and a burning barrel nearby. The leader of the gang leered at Rin and spoke.
"Listen, I'm sorry about that whole thing yesterday. I didn't mean to…"
Rin wasn't listening, instead staring at the pierced boy in bewilderment. There was something quite…ODD about him. Maybe it was the Soot Sprites or whatever they were that clustered about him like flies on poop, or maybe it was the three-inch fangs that were jutting from the boy's mouth. Whatever it was, Rin just couldn't let it sit.
"Dude, hold still. You've got something on your face…riiiight there…" Rin reached out a hand and tried rubbing the strange away. It didn't help. "Okay I think I got it."
"How much should we pay?" The punk asked bluntly. Rin blinked.
"…Are you hitting on me?"
"…I am." A boy in the back spoke up. The punk turned around and smacked him.
"I'm paying you to keep quiet about my delinquent activities!" The punk snarled. "I'm going to True Cross Academy, just like your loser brother. The poor shit, doesn't have a dime to his name! Come on, how's twenty bucks sound?"
"TWENTY BUCKS?" Rin roared, sputtering in fury. "My sweet ass is worth at LEAST fifty! How DARE you!" He socked the punk in the face, sending him sprawling backwards. Rin paused to think for a moment. "Oh, and you just insulted Yukio. That too, I guess."
"That hurt…" the punk hissed, shaking his head and rising to his feet. With a howl of rage, the boy transformed, sprouting curling horns, a whip-like tail, and grotesque fangs. Rin stared at him in shock.
"Okay, hold still, I swear I'll get it this time-"
"GET HIM!" The Demon-boy snapped, and the other delinquents obeyed, tackling Rin to the ground and holding him there. The leader approached, a dangerous gleam in his eyes. "Fifty bucks, my ass! You're not even worth fifty CENTS!" He snatched a red-hot metal bar from the burning barrel and crouched next to Rin. "Let's ruin that pretty face of yours so you're worthless!"
"No! My Chippendales career! My dreams of being a male model!" Rin squealed in fright, struggling. It was no good. The smoldering bar was brought closer. "Stop! Stop it! STOP!" Closer still. "…Please?"
The Demon-boy paused.
"Oh, well since you asked so nicely-"
"Phew…" Rin relaxed.
"YEAH RIGHT DUMBASS!" The bar brushed Rin's cheek.
Blue flames burst forth from Rin, scorching the gang and beating them back. Rin responded with all the calmness and maturity that the gravity of the situation required.
"HOLY SHIT I'M ON FUCKING FIRE! STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!" He immediately obeyed, to no avail. The blue flames wouldn't go out. "AUUUUGH WHY WON'T THEY STOP? Quick!" He turned to the boys huddled together in fear. "There's no other way! You guys are gonna have to pee on me-"
The kids all screamed and ran off down the alley. Rin frowned.
"Fine, I'll do it myself!" He began struggling with his fly but stopped as the Demon-boy stood up and slowly approached.
"Yessss, those blue flames are proof of Satan's offspring." He once again crouched beside Rin, extending a hand politely. "My name is Astaroth. Shall we go, Young Master? Lord Satan is waiting for you."
Rin stared at him, eyes wide with confusion and fear.
"…Could you pee on me first?"
A low voice suddenly interrupted the two, and they turned to see who it was. Reverend Fujimoto, Rin's father, was calmly walking down the alley towards them, chanting a prayer as he drew ever closer.
"You…you're an Exorcist?" Astaroth spat, eyes burning with hatred.
"Blessed be the Lord, BITCH," Fujimoto finished, glaring at the demon.
"…Okay, not a very good one, but an Exorcist none-the-less! DIE!" Astaroth leapt forward, rushing toward Fujimoto with fangs and claws bared. Fujimoto paused for a moment, considering, then simply kicked the Demon in his crotch-cast. As he lay writhing on the dirty ground, the Reverend raised a brow at the large cast and whistled. "Nice handiwork, Rin."
"DAD!" Rin sobbed out, weak with relief. "I swear to God I'll NEVER do drugs again! I am tripping SO bad right now and I don't think I can-"
"You can see the Demons, Rin?" Fujimoto interrupted, gesturing at the small dark specks in the air. "These are Coal Tar, they are darkness that gather on dust and evil humans. You see, there are two dimensions that face each other like a mirror. One is Assiah, a good world where we humans live, and the other is Gehenna, a dark world where Demons live. Demons from Gehenna can possess beings in Assiah, and thus interact with others here. This should never happen." He leaned down and grabbed Rin's arm, hauling him to his feet. "Rin. You are not human. You are the son of a Demon and a human."
Around the pair, dark shadows bulged and grew. Strange creatures crept close, and chilling sounds filled the air.
"And not just any Demon," Fujimoto continued solemnly. "You are…the son of Satan."
Rin stared at his father blankly.
"So…is Totoro a Demon, or what?"
-Episode 1 End-
Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist.
Author's Note: Wow that felt great to write! I haven't written in so long, I've missed how much fun it is. I only wish I had remembered sooner.
The only issue with my writing this series is that I don't know when I'll be able to update. With Blood Minus, I updated every week. Granted, that was when I was in college with minimal other stuff to do. Now, I'm out of college and have got a million things to do and not enough time to do them. I'm drawing comics for a paper, drawing comics for another series, drawing for the sake of drawing, I've got work, blah blah blah…so I can't promise anything. At the most, I can say that I will probably be able to update about every two weeks. Creating an episode (which involves watching it, jotting down the jokes, then expanding and writing it as a chapter) takes about five to ten hours all together. I should be able to scrape up that amount of time from two weeks worth of spare time. We'll see how it goes!
Thanks very much for reading, expect more in the future! Please review! See you next time!