A Matter of Faith
"I hear the beads clicking at night, Angelo"
They say that actions speak louder than words and I've never been sure if I believe that or not. It's debatable, words hold such power but they can only say so much and then actions have to come in. Actions can speak what words can't, they can say everything you're too proud or too scared to say. Actions can make better words which hurt to the core but they don't undo the words. They don't unsay them, they don't take them away. Since being with Jack I've learnt that nothing is ever black and white. Of course I had known that but it has been proven on a larger scale that I'd ever known it with Jack. With Jack everything I believe in, everything I want, my whole life is thrown into confusion by just a few words. Although, even that is unfair, it was already in confusion, these words just made me face up to them rather than just avoid them.
"Everything we do, you ask for forgiveness afterwards."
Jack is angry and the worst part is it's true, I can't deny it and I won't even try to. I always ask for forgiveness because I need to. The Church says it is wrong, they say it is a sin. But the bible says if you repent, if you ask forgiveness, God will forgive you and I need that. Jack doesn't understand it, he doesn't understand how important my faith, my religion is to me. I wish he could understand, I wish that more than anything, but at the same time, I can see the expression on his face as he speaks. It isn't just lack of understanding, it's something else, I can see what this is doing to him. He wants me to accept it, to stop being ashamed, to stop feeling like it's wrong. He wants me to be with him, no strings attached. What he doesn't know is, I want that too, but there are strings attached, the Church added those strings.
"That's just sex, imagine it was love."
He's wrong. He's so very wrong. I wonder if he knows that. I hope he does but I'm sure since he says those words that he doesn't. But I wish he could know how much he means to me. I wish he could know that for me it is love and that that goes so deep. But I know he doesn't and I know he doesn't see the way my heart cracked when he said that. Because if he said that he was thinking it, and it he was thinking it then that must be what he thinks. That must be all it is for him. The thought of that shocks me and it hurts more than I ever could've anticipated words could hurt, because for me it could never just be sex. It's always been more, right from the beginning.
"What would he say then? Your God?"
If I were a violent man I would hit Jack as he says this but I'm not and in truth I'm not angry. The more Jack speaks the more it hurts. I wish we would try and understand because I understand him perspective. I understand why he is saying what he is saying, but he's not trying to understand how I feel. My village was tiny, our religion was everything to us. My religion is still so important to me, why can't he understand that. Why can't he understand how hard this is for me? How I am going against what my Church says in order to be with him.
"What would he say if two men could love?"
His words hit me and hit me hard. But mostly because they make me thinking. In the short moment between that rhetorical question and what Jack has to say my mind is a blur of thoughts. Because what would God say? I've had it drummed into me since I was a child that love is a man and woman, that that is the correct way, the only way. I've had the Church tell me that it is sinful for a two men to get together. But why? Does the bible not promote love? Does it not specifically say that in the end there are three things; faith, hope and love and love is the greatest? Why does that specifically have to be a man and a woman? Surely if you fall in love, whoever it is, God would still recognise it?
"Oh, but no" Jack's voice is dripping in sarcasm which really doesn't help how I feeling at all this. "That's impossible."
Is it? Why is it? I know that it's only me that's making it impossible. But it's what I've grown up with. It's what's been drummed into me. God is so important to me, and I don't… I don't believe that he would condemn me, I don't believe he would turn his back on me just because I fell in love with a man rather than a woman. But it's not easy, turning your back on what you've grown up believing. It's not easy to stop believing. It's not easy to go against the masses when you're used to just following them. It's not easy, nothing about this is easy, but Jack needs to damn well understand that I am not just walking away from him. But I am not walking away from my religion either.
"And if it's impossible then you can't stay with me."
The look in Jack's eyes tells me he means it. Something about him tells me he's had to walk away before, that he'd be able to do it again. It makes me wonder for the second time in under a minute what I mean to him. But it also makes me realise that I don't care what I mean to him because I know what he means to me. And I'm not sure what I'm going to say until I open my mouth and the words come out, but I know whatever it is, it has to be enough to make him chance him mind, because I can't bear to lose him now.
First things first: If you're seen episode 8, please bear in mind that I'm British and haven't so don't say anything regarding it.
Secondly, I love RTD for bringing Angelo into Torchwood. For showing the way the Church acts towards homosexuals, because it's ridiculous. And when he did I knew I had to write something about him because I'm a Christian (Protestant but the point still applies) and I don't believe the Church should be condemning someone just for falling in love with another man.
Thirdly, please review? I'll love you for it.