AU: sadkjlsfhasfoasdf. I'm so sorry for being a slow updater! Uuugh. Life just gets in the way, y'know? University is being quite a bitch. In a good way though! I enjoy what we do, it's just a tiiiny bit too much at times.
Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter. It's about 1000 words longer than usual cause I didn't want to cut parts out c:
And yeah, slight OOCness as usual and BLUH BLUH BLUH. Don't like, don't read. I guess you guys who follow this story is used to my writing anyways XD
Oh damn. Wasn't it supposed to feel nice to open your door and step into your apartment? Like being home again? It's nice going away, but returning home should feel great. But it didn't feel very good at all.
The air was stale and he could almost still smell the pot he had been smoking days earlier. He hadn't had time to air out the apartment after spending so much time with Karkat.
With a sigh he managed to kick off Karkat's uncomfortably small shoes. He had been forced to keep his toes bent all the way home. It was a freaking miracle that his feet even had fit into those, especially with Karkat having small feet. Or perhaps it was Gamzee who had huge ones.
He dropped his bag and jacket on the floor before he started making his way towards the kitchen. It wasn't like a few more objects lying around on the floor would make much of a difference. Hit place was already a mess.
The only reason it was somewhat presentable was because Karkat used to come around and clean up for him once in a while, even though Gamzee insisted it was fine the way it was. But it would always end up with Karkat throwing a hissy fit and ended up cleaning either way. And Gamzee would let him do so.
"Motherfucking ass," Gamzee bitterly said as he looked in his fridge. He grabbed a frozen pizza and then slammed the freezer shut way harder than he needed to.
He stomped his way towards his microwave oven and put the pizza in. Gamzee was hungry and frustrated.
Damn, he had really tried his best to help Karkat. He had used up all his damned patience but Karkat was just too stubborn. And it pissed him off so much. Never had he felt so angry at Karkat before. Well, he was more than pissed off, he was also disappointed and felt betrayed to some extent. He didn't even know why.
What he did know was the fact that he wouldn't be able to meet Karkat for a while. Actually, he had no idea what they were to each other any longer. Were they still friends? In a way he doubted it. Gamzee had went all out when he raged at Karkat and told him to not get in touch with him. It almost made him feel a tiny bit bad.
As he waited for his microwave oven to finish warming up the frozen pizza he headed out to the living room and turned on his computer. He hadn't touched it since right before he went to Karkat. Trollian automatically logged him in, and he noticed that a few chat windows popped up, but he dismissed them for now.
Tavros was a good guy and he didn't deserve to get snapped at by Gamzee. It was just better to wait until he was calm and collected.
There was one other chat window that caught his eye, and that was the one with the screenname twinArmageddons. Gamzee did know who it was, he had even met the guy one or two times when he had waited to pick Karkat up outside his school. They had never spoken on Trollian though.
With a sigh he opened up the chat window.
TA: ii have two a2k you 2omething
As Gamzee had suspected the conversation ended up being about Karkat. Man, he just wasn't allowed to try and forget about Karkat for even a minute, was he? And he ended up getting more angry than before as well. Of course Sollux defended Karkat.
TA: he 2ounded really freaked out on the phone, 2aiid 2tuff about you hatiing hiim and that he had fucked up bad
TA: he 2aiid he diidn't want you two deal wiith hiis fuckup2.
TA: he ii2n't goiing two do 2omethiing stupiid riight?
Gamzee raised an eyebrow. He had never said anything about hating Karkat. But then again it was Karkat. Karkat being in panic. He snorted at Sollux's worry. Of course Karkat wouldn't do something stupid over such a silly thing.
The conversation proceeded with Sollux going on about Karkat, and with Gamzee just snapping at him saying just what he was thinking. That he was tired of Karkat's crap. And he was also getting tired of Sollux. And his annoying writing quirk. Who the fuck wrote like that anyway? It was as if he was typing out his lisp.
And at the same blissful moment as Gamzee heard his microwave oven make a pinging noise, the conversation ended as well.
TA: anyway ii've told you now. and ii am not gonna meddle any more
TA: but plea2e talk to kk cau2e he diidn't want two up2et you
TA: ii don't thiink ii can help hiim any more than thii2
TA: he tru2t2 you more than me even though ii don't liike to admiit iit
- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] at 5:15 -
But for some reason he didn't feel as relieved as he had hoped to feel when the conversation ended.
If Karkat trusted Gamzee then he had a damned weird way of showing it. Rejection wasn't really a sign of trust if you asked Gamzee. He had been there for Karkat for days, trying to help in all kind of ways. But no matter what he said or did Karkat would just brush the help off.
Gamzee shook his head as he closed the chat window down and also logged out of Trollian. He didn't feel like speaking to anyone.
As he headed back into the kitchen he couldn't help thinking of what Sollux had said. "TA: he ii2n't goiing two do 2omethiing stupiid riight?"
No. It was just silly. Karkat could handle it. He just needed to calm down, just like Gamzee. And Gamzee needed to think of something other than Karkat if he ever would be able to calm down.
"Motherfucking shit," Gamzee growled and put the plate with the finished pizza down on the table.
Alright. Perhaps Gamzee was a little bit worried about his friend. Perhaps he didn't want to take a break from Karkat.
That was the reason why Gamzee all of a sudden found himself walking towards Karkat's apartment. The rain was soaking him, but he didn't care.
All he knew was that he needed to get to Karkat. He had done a lot of thinking, and the more he thought the more he worried. It was simply impossible not thinking of Karkat. The more he had tried not thinking about him, the more he had thought of him. He hadn't even been able to sleep.
It felt like it took forever for him to arrive. As if Karkat's apartment was just getting further and further away. But eventually he reached it. But when he stood outside Karkat's door he didn't know what to do.
"What the motherfucking hell..." he murmured as he stared at the door for a while.
God, it wasn't as if anyone would open if he didn't knock. Slowly he lifted his right hand up and then knocked three times.
"Come on, Karkat..." he muttered as he waited. But no one was getting the door. Karkat was probably upset, and didn't want to see anyone.
Perhaps he hadn't locked the door after Gamzee left... perhaps he was lucky enough. Cautiously he grabbed the handle and pulled down. He smiled in slight triumph as he pulled the door open and stepped inside the dark apartment. Just like he had left it... just that Karkat wasn't in the couch.
"Karkat?" Gamzee called as he got his shoes off and looked around. He headed towards Karkat's bedroom and looked inside, but he wasn't there either, "What the hell?"
With a frown he shut Karkat's bedroom door and headed into the kitchen instead. But Karkat wasn't there either. Great. His best motherfucking friend was gone.
Somehow Gamzee got a bad feeling as he turned towards the bathroom. Somehow he didn't want to open up the bathroom door. But he knew that he had to do it. He had to check there before starting to search for Karkat in other places.
With a sick feeling in his gut he pulled the door handle down without even knocking. And when he opened he felt like all air escaped him.
Water was pooling on the floor. Water mixed with red. Was it colour? No, Gamzee wasn't stupid enough to think that. His eyes took forever to travel to the tub, and once his eyes fixated on what he didn't want to see he felt sick.
Oh god why had he left? Why had he left when he deep down knew it was a bad idea?
Gamzee gasped as he was brutally torn from his sleep, and he was happy to wake up. Shit, that had felt so real. Too real.
He hadn't been able to let go thinking about Karkat when he was awake, and now it was haunting him in his dreams. That was some scary shit he had been dreaming. Just thinking about it made him shudder and feel as sick as he had done in his dream.
Who wanted to walk into a room and find someone they cared about lying motionless in a bathtub with slit wrists and blood anywhere? Blood on the walls, the mirror, the floor... mixed into the water. But Karkat had been white as snow, making the bright blood stand out even more.
For a second time Gamzee found himself remembering Sollux question.
"TA: he ii2n't goiing two do 2omethiing stupiid riight?"
Earlier he had dismissed it and though of it as silly. But now it wasn't silly at all. It was serious. Karkat had been contemplating suicide. Who knew if he still was, and what if Gamzee's stupid outburst had pushed him even closer to the edge.
It didn't take Gamzee many seconds to get out of his bed once he realized he needed to go to Karkat.
And he wished he wouldn't walk in on the same scene as in his dream.
Karkat hadn't been doing anything since Gamzee left, well, except for being in a silent panic-attack and crying his eyes out into the pillow.
Seeing Gamzee leave like that had really hurt. It hurt so much more than he had been hurting before. It felt like another part of him just had died. Gamzee had always kind of given him a will to live. Not that he was depressed all the time without him, but if their friendship was over he didn't know what to do.
Karkat liked Gamzee too much. Even loved, but he had never told Gamzee that. He had never wanted to ruin their friendship by confessing something like that. Now there was no point in anything any longer.
It felt like painful stab in his stomach. Gamzee didn't want anything to do with him any longer.
Sollux had tried speaking to Gamzee, but when he had told Karkat about the conversation he hadn't had much to say. Karkat knew that Sollux probably avoided saying some things to protect him. But it wasn't reassuring to know that... it only meant that the conversation hadn't gone well.
Gamzee was still pissed and didn't want anything to do with Karkat.
He let out a silent whimper as he buried his face in the already tear-stained pillow, not caring that he was going to end up soaking it in tears at this rate.
Somehow it felt better to hide his face even though no one was watching him. He still felt ashamed of himself for not taking it a better way. It was his fault. It was his own screw ups.
With a shaky sigh he tried to stifle a sob, without success. He was just too miserable to try and hide it properly any longer. What surprised Karkat the most was the fact that he wasn't feeling nearly as bad about the rape, it was the whole Gamzee thing that was upsetting him the most at the moment. He just couldn't believe he had been so stupid and rejected him like that.
He was making it harder on himself. He had always thought that confessing something like love to Gamzee would be a stupid and pointless thing, but now there was no point at all since he had ruined whatever little chance he had.
"You're so fucking pathetic!" Karkat whined and slammed a fist into the pillow.
He just lied there and kept silently cursing at himself for being so stupid, but all of a sudden he heard a sound coming from his hallways, it almost made him stop breathing. Who the fuck was trying to get into his apartment? He hadn't locked the door, had he?
He bit the inside of his lip hard and quietly listened.
Oh, it was just Gamzee. Relief filled him up as he buried his face into the pillow again and shuddered. Somehow he had almost imagined his rapist standing on his doorstep.
Damn. Wait, Gamzee was back? Why the hell was he back? Wasn't he supposed to hate Karkat forever and never want to see him again? So why was he there, in the middle of the night?
He could hear soft footsteps getting closer to him, and he tensed up a bit as he felt fingers run through his hair.
"You asleep?" Gamzee quietly asked as he sat down on the floor next to the couch, his hand still stroking Karkat's head.
Karkat couldn't bring himself to speak or lift his head up from the pillow, he just shook his head weakly.
Gamzee sighed and made an attempt at pulling the pillow out of Karkat's arms, but the younger teen's grip tightened and he let out a noise of protest.
"Hey, come on," Gamzee softly said, "I'm sorry about earlier, alright? You know, my brain gets a bit fucked up when I've not been smoking for a while. I didn't mean those things..." he crossed his arms and rested them against the couch.
"You are you saying that because Sollux told you something, didn't he?" Karkat managed to croak out, his voice muffled by the pillow, "You said you had enough of me and that you didn't want me to get in touch with you again... and I understand that. I seriously fucking do."
Gamzee heavily sighed, "Yeah I said some stupid motherfucking shit, but I was just angry and frustrated. And yeah, your friend did talk to me but I kind of was a fucking ass to him. But it made me think, and I woke up just like half an hour ago and had a really bad feeling about all this. So here I am, and I'm not leaving you this motherfucking time."
And with that Karkat's grip on the pillow loosened, and Gamzee took the chance to pull it away, making Karkat reach for it but Gamzee threw it aside.
Karkat made a displeased face and crossed his arms as he stared at Gamzee, the room was illuminated by the strong moonlight outside. Gamzee was smiling, and man was that a relief or what?
"Crying doesn't suit you," Gamzee murmured as he lowered his head to rest them on his folded arms, ending up in the same level as Karkat, "And I feel like a fucking asshole for just leaving you when I do know you're stubborn and refuse help because of that."
"I mean, you've been motherfucking raped and then I go and just explode on you like that. Even though I know you only meant well with not wanting me to put all my time on you."
"But Karkat, I want to help you. I fucking want to stay with you until we've worked this shit through. And whatever motherfucking happens I'm going to be here for you no matter what you say. There's no way I'm leaving you like that again, do you get that? You're fucking stuck with me no matter what and-,"
Karkat didn't know what caused him to do it. He had tried to interrupt Gamzee, but the other hadn't let him cut him off. And now he was kissing Gamzee. Just like that. He had leaned forward the last bit and before Gamzee had had time to react Karkat had grabbed Gamzee by his har and kissed him full on the lips.
It only lasted for a few seconds, but it had felt much longer once Karkat let go. And then panic went through his head.
'Ohgodohgodohgod! What have I done?'
"Oh fuck, Gamzee... I... that was such a shitty moment to go and add this onto the already huge pile of shit and fuck-ups going on..."
Karkat trailed off as Gamzee gently grabbed his chin and tilted his head up a bit, then he closed in, stopping just a few millimeters away from Karkat's lips, "Who've said all your fuck-ups are bad?" and with that he closed the last space, gently returning the kiss.
The younger teen felt as if he was turning into jelly. Gamzee's lips were surprisingly soft against his own. It felt nice, no rushing or anything. Just a soft and reassuring kiss. The action spoke a lot more than you'd think.
After a while he parted with Karkat, but his hand still lingered on Karkat's tear-streaked cheek.
Karkat could only stare at Gamzee with wide eyes, "You..."
Gamzee smiled as he wiped away Karkat's tears, "You have no idea how motherfucking important you are to me, Karkat. That's what pissed me off, I just want to help you because you are the most important fucking thing to me, but you kept refusing the help."
"Gamzee..." his voice was a whisper, and he longingly looked at Gamzee. All of a sudden tears threatened to spill over again, and they did. But this time it wasn't miserable tears, it was tears of relief, "Gamzee."
Gamzee chuckled, "That's my motherfucking name, yeah. And it sounds the best with your voice so you can say it how many fucking times you want to."
"Oh shut up!" Karkat tiredly said and shook his head, regretting it a bit since it added onto his headache from crying so much, "I can't think straight."
"Obviously you can't think motherfucking straight because you aren't straight, brother."
Karkat groaned and rubbed his eyes, "Gamz... god I'm so happy you came back. I was too much of a pussy to call you. Then Sollux tried to get in touch with me and... I guess he talked to you?"
Gamzee nodded, "Talked some sense into me. But I didn't see it right away. I motherfucking woke up half an hour ago and just knew I had to go back."
Karkat smiled weakly, "Thanks, Gamz."
"No reason to thank me. I should never have left in the first place. It's just..." he trailed of and sighed, letting his fingers travel up Karkat's face once more, brushing hair out of Karkat's face to see his eyes, "It's painful to see you hurt so much without being able to to a motherfucking thing about it."
He sounded bitter. And he was really bitter, too. He wished he knew who had hurt Karkat. In that case he could have found the bastard and hurt him badly. Making sure that he never could do something so horrible to anyone again.
Karkat sighed lightly, not caring about Gamzee messing around with his hair, "You've been doing a lot. Without you... damn... I'm not sure what stupid things I could have done," he felt ashamed about even thinking of suicide, "If you hadn't shown up I might as well have just killed myself one way or the other."
"Don't say that..."
"It's true and you fucking know it. You found out," Karkat said with a shrug, "I was just... I didn't know how to handle it. I still don't. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. Or do."
"First of all I think the most fucking logic thing would have been to call the cops. And Karkat, you need to go to a hospital."
Karkat frowned, "I'm fine..."
Gamzee seriously looked at him, "Do you have any idea what kind of fucked up STDs the rapist had? You need to check that up. Fuck, you don't even have to tell them about what happened if you don't want to. But you must get checked for motherfucking STDs."
Karkat muttered something under his breath but sighed, "Sure... whatever."
"Good, then we'll get that done tomorrow."
Karkat whined, "Why tomorrow?"
"Cause we're setting your life back on the motherfucking right path again. We start with making sure you are physically fine, then we can work on the other things. Like getting you back to school and all other things."
"I don't feel like it..."
"I know," Gamzee said with a sigh, "But how motherfucking happy have you been while sitting holed up here? Don't you think it would kind of me a relief to get out and think of something else?"
Karkat sighed and shrugged, "I guess..."
Gamzee smiled widely as he stood up and offered his hand to Karkat, "That's the spirit. Now let's just get some motherfucking sleep. I've barely managed to chill or sleep and I bet you haven't either."
"Yeah, sounds good..." Karkat tiredly said and took Gamzee's hand, the other helped him up and steadied him up a bit as he swayed a bit.
As they headed towards the bedroom Karkat didn't let go of Gamzee's hand. And a small smile took place on his face.
Maybe, just maybe life would be able to turn for the better.
AN: Ngh. I had planned on putting a bit of Sollux in this chapter too, but I couldn't make it. That will have to wait for next chapter or something!
Anyway, now things are finally moving again. It felt a bit refreshing to write some awkward angsty fluff stuff again! I don't usually do so these days, so it's fun.
I hope you enjoyed! And if you feel like, please leave a review and tell me what you think c:
-bro hugs everyone-