Wrote this for the Tsunami Relief Effort.
Forewarning you…this was written as a joke and it's gross. Brace yourself. LOL
Lonely, hungry and sporting a perma-boner was no way to live. Yet this was the hell I was subjected to…forever.
For decades I'd tried to satisfy myself, by myself, but really it didn't work. In fact, one time in the woods, I pumped my gun so hard and fast, hoping for relief, and fuck me if my schlong didn't start sending off sparks that nearly caused a forest fire. Smokey the Bear would have been pissed off had I not eaten him eons ago.
Some might wonder why I didn't just have sex. Well, the simple truth is that I knew once I got horned-up with a woman I'd probably do more than fuck her – I'd fuck her up. So, I kept my distance. My life with a hard-on was lonely, but my dick was only one of my problems.
My other major issue was food. As a dedicated vegetarian, I didn't eat people, but how many times could I stand to eat bear or deer or whatever roamed the woods? It was always the same: hunt, lure, trap and eat. Meh. Boring and unsatisfying - like chicken.
I needed to spice up my life (for the love of God why does that expression still remind me of that stupid Spice Girls song?), so I came out of hiding and got a job as I did from time to time. I applied at my local Walgreens drugstore, because places like that never asked many questions. It was close enough to my little cabin in the woods - about a ten minute commute on super speed.
Overall, the job at Walgreens wasn't bad. It broke the suffocating monotony. I enjoyed stocking the new gadgets. It seems some guy was making a killing on this new Shake Weight thing – a whack off exercise for the jack-off. Awesome.
My manager, Samantha, was hot and had a crush on me. How'd I know? Well, she'd bat her lashes and would go on and on about some romance book she read and told me how the main character, whom she loved, looked exactly like me. She showed me the book actually. I read the author's name and flipped through it. Apparently, Stephenie Meyer still had the hots for me. You'd think after breaking things off with her in a meadow like twenty years ago, she would be over it, but no. Oh, and for the record, I don't fucking sparkle.
One very slow day at work, after the eye fucking of a lifetime from Samantha, I sat behind the register waiting for someone – anyone - to come in. We were open twenty-four hours after all. I didn't understand why we were so slow until Samantha said, "Merry Christmas," in a low, hushed whisper while wearing a fuzzy Santa hat tilted to the side and, whoa, a shellacking of whore red lipstick.
Suddenly, this young woman ran into the store. I watched her frantically search the aisles. Bored to tears, I decided to listen in with my super-special vampire mind-listening tricks. Normally, I tuned out all thoughts of others' because most people's thoughts were a giant waste of time, but this time was different. This woman was nervous and worried, and when I tuned in to her frequency I heard, "Motherfucking fuck!" which right off the bat intrigued me. She didn't look like a swearer. She continued in her head: They'd fucking better have the fucking tampons I like.
Now, I heard shit like this before, which is pretty much why I stopped listening in, but for some reason, this girl's thoughts got me thinking that day…
I could hear her relief as she found what she was looking for before she started cursing out her 'fucking family that has to live so fucking far away'.
She came up to the counter and stopped dead when she looked at me.
"You know, you look like-" and I heard her finish in her mind: that vampire from those books.
"What's that?" I asked, throwing her my entrancing smile – the one I used to lure. I know. It was Christmas and I was luring. It was wrong, but a vamp's gotta do what a vamp's gotta do.
"Oh, um…nothing," she said, digging in her purse while in her mind I heard: Holy shit, he's motherfucking hot!
"So where are you headed in such a rush?"
"Ugh, my family's house. They live three hours away and I'm late and I just got-" Shut up, Nicole, he doesn't need to know you just got your period…why is he holding up the fucking box like that? God, how embarrassing.
I held it up a little longer, on purpose. "You seem so tense. Maybe you need some coffee. In fact, I have a break coming to me and was going to get some – want to join me?"
I watched as the usual stunned expression froze on her face, but everything about the standard reaction was more exciting than it had been in a while. It seemed like my brilliant idea might actually work.
"Uh…okay," she said, blinking a few times.
I smiled. She froze a little more. I called my manager. "Samantha, I'm taking my break now."
Samantha came around the corner and frowned upon seeing 'Nicole' standing there.
"Be back in a half hour?" Samantha asked, eyeing Nicole. Who is this bitch?
I grinned at Nicole. "That should work."
Holy fuck. I think I might do him, Nicole thought.
I suppressed a laugh. "Thanks, Samantha. Want anything from Dunkin Donuts?"
"Um, no thanks." Fucking bitch! Samantha sat on the stool, pouting, as Nicole and I left.
"You want to drive or walk? It's not that far," I said.
"Uh…I can drive," she said. What am I doing? I don't even know his name!
"I'm Edward, by the way," I said, holding out my hand.
"Hi. Nicole," she said, melting a little more when I licked my lips.
Into the car we climbed. We pulled out of the parking lot and down the very quiet street. I could hear her heart racing; her mind scrambling for reasons as to why she was in the car with a 'beautiful stranger'. I placed my hand over hers on the gearshift.
"Don't worry, Nicole. You'll feel so much better soon," I said, tempting her with my voice.
Her heart sped up. She nodded.
I drew a line up the arm of her wool coat to her neck where her pulse pounded.
Oh God. Oh God. He's so hot. Oh God. What am I doing?
"You're so beautiful, Nicole …relax. I think I can help you…and you, me." I massaged her neck gently, her body softening.
She nodded again.
"Nicole…" I said softly, shifting in my seat toward her. I stroked her cheek. It was so warm and soft.
"Yes?" she whispered. Tell me you want me…tell me you want me…oh God. Tell me!
"You see that break in the road on the right? That dirt road?" I slid a finger down the center of her chest and began to unbutton her coat.
She nodded and swallowed. Hard.
"Pull down it, Nicole."
She nodded again and pulled down the dirt road as we bumped over rocks and roots.
"Where are we going?" she whispered again. To fuck me…say it…to fuck me…
I reached inside her open coat, under her silky shirt and cupped her breast. She hissed. Her scent grew stronger. "Stop the car, Nicole."
Fuck. I have my period! Fuck!
She cut the engine, panicking.
"It's okay," I said, leaning over the console and kissing her neck. I continued to massage her breast. Her breath grew shallow, as expected. "You smell so good, Nicole," I whispered against her reddening flesh.
Using my super-duper speedy speed, I got out of the car and around to her side, opening her door.
"Turn toward me," I said, squatting down. She brought her legs around out of the door. "A skirt. Perfect."
I took her right leg and kissed up it.
"I…I have…my…" she tried again, all weak and woozy.
"Shh…Nicole, I am going to do something both of us will appreciate, okay? Relax."
I don't know why I hadn't thought about this before, because fuck yeah this was the most brilliant idea in a world of brilliant ideas. I should have been awarded a star or something.
Up under her skirt I went, following her delicious scent toward my meal. Gross maybe to a human, but for me it was perfect. I took care of her 'issue', and in turn, had myself a lovely snack. And she lived. Bonus!
She was mighty fine – so fine that she came hard and fast and wanted to reciprocate. Oh yeah, sure thing.
Her eyes widened at me. I grinned.
Then she reciprocated and…there was relief. Finally! Relief that I'd needed and craved for too damn long. I was still rock hard after, that didn't change, but for a little while I wasn't hungry or horny. Eureka!
I sent Nicole on her merry way after telling her that if next month she wanted to swing by, I was all for it. Exactly twenty-eight days later, Nicole was back…and she brought a friend.
It wasn't long after that I became a sort of Uncle to Aunt Flow. A secret signal was born too: a quick wink after placing their tampons on the counter and I'd meet the lovely ladies out back. Snack n' sex time!
Poor Samantha raged, however. She grew increasingly irate and confused as to what was going on. I didn't want to lose my job at Walgreens because honestly, I'd struck gold. So one day, when Samantha was in her office stewing over another visitor of mine, I paid her a visit, and let's just say that I had some serious job security after that.
So, although my hard-on was truly permanent, I was no longer lonely or needy, and living forever didn't seem like such a bad thing anymore.
** Thank you to the lovely EMCxo for betaing this for me since she nearly vomited and to JAustenlover who is still shaking her head at me. **
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, but this mess belongs to me. Wee!