The pain blocks out all distractions. It shows you the real point of the matter, the true source of the problem.
I was born and trained to be emotionless. My life was only to protect yours, nothing else mattered. So, when you took me under your wing, elected me as your second in command, I couldn't help but let my barrier melt away. You're soft touches, that smile, they made me melt inside. You were the only person I could trust. That is, until you left.
At first, I couldn't ignore it. I tried to block it out, but my memories of you brought it back. I saw you in everything, and my tears were an endless river.
Eventually, I looked closer. I found the root of the problem. The whole time, I had been blaming myself for you abandoning me. I thought I was to weak, to insignificant. But, I saw through that lie. The root was only you. You left me, to run off with that traitor. The promise I made, to always be by your side, to never allow you to get hurt, you broke that.
After the shock of the realization, I grew bitter. My face never smiled, and my cheeks never warmed. I was cruel, a lock around my heart. Even after becoming a Captain, I never softened. I was feared, and no one approached me. I was the Ice Queen, who had no feelings.
That was wrong, though. I just learned how to hide my feelings. If any of my subordinates had come into my room at night, they would have seen me curled up on the hard floor, crying out your name. Because, in reality, I never got over you leaving. The pain made sure not to let me forget that. So I vowed to grow better, surpass you in everything. And then, I would kill you with my own hands.
That was my mistake. Thinking I could get rid of you. We fought, and I was beaten down easily. My efforts were wasted, my soul shattered. You still stood there, those golden eyes burning into my mind, while I cried. I sunk to your feet, asking, pleading, for an answer.
You didn't give me one. Instead, you hugged me, that goofy grin on your face. I felt my cheeks growing warm for the first time in one hundred years. We made up, but the pain is still here, even when you're with me. Because, I know you're always going to leave me again. So as I cry on the hard floor, I can only hope for one thing: The hope that you'll be happy without me. The pain shows me that this is what I really want. You'll never know that your 'little bee' was so hurt. And that is the way things should be.