Nameless: Where Did I go Wrong?
by: Akira the White
It is summer. To most people, this is simply another season in the year; a season that is filled with hot weather, and bugs. To a student like me, it signified freedom. Freedom from the hell that is known as school. Free to have fun the way I want to, and to enjoy life. Oh, I love it.
If I think about it now, no two summers are exactly the same. It's always different in some way. This summer was no exception. However, this summer was different in a way that I wasn't used to. Different in a bad way as well. A summer in which I'd rather forget about half of it.
Oh, by the way, allow me to introduce myself. I doubt you'll find any entertainment in reading a story where you don't even know the main character's name. My name is James. James Rodwin. Simple name, but I like it. About myself…Hmm…I have lots of hobbies…I have a little sister…I love video games…And yeah, that's me in a nut shell. I'm your typical high school student. Or so I'd like to think. Anyways, enough of my boring and down to earth description of myself.
Over the course of a summer, I do a few things. I play video games, I practice piano, talk to friends, and engage in different kinds of other activities. This year however, I missed out on Badminton. It turns out the camp was full months before I even bothered applying. Damn, I hate it when procrastination turns around and kicks you in the shins like that. So, instead of my usual two weeks at Badminton Camp, I was left with nothing to do. Essentially, I was left to rot in my house the entire day. The sun doesn't take a break from nuclear fission. I'd like to ask where our air conditioning was the entire time.
For God Knows how many days on end, I'd get up. Play piano for a while, play video games for a long time, eat, and sleep. Simple life for the summer I guess. I should also mention I was assigned Physics homework and English homework over the summer. I've only ever seen summer homework in anime and TV shows. I never imagined for a moment that I'd actually get summer homework. Ugh, it's so dull and boring. And the worst part is you don't want to do it until summer vacation is over. And by that time, it's probably already too late.
All complaints and mulling from me asides, I'd usually go on Instant Messenger or Facebook to chat with friends and posts some stuff like photos or status updates. I talk with many of friends on Facebook, so it never really gets boring. There's always something interesting to talk about. One day in particular though, I took a special notice in one of my friends. And just who was that friend? She was someone that I had met in English class earlier this year. She looks really pretty too...Excuse me. I met her in English class, and we often chatted during the lunch break, and occasionally when we'd meet in the hallways. The reason her presence on Facebook grabbed my attention is that I usually don't see her online. I wouldn't go as far as to say that she was anti-social, but I rarely see her talk to anyone. And to be honest, even when I talked with her, we were only limited to minor chit-chat. Her name was Faith. Faith…Um…Let me see…McKay. Yea. Like I was saying though, seeing her online was a bit of a surprise. So, seizing upon this rare opportunity, I decided to open a chat box with her.
Chapter 1: Exploring Our Differences
James R.: Yo.
Faith M.: Yo yourself.
What? I re-read that line about 3 times. That's a strange way to greet someone.
James R.: How's your summer so far?
Faith M.: Its…good. So far. Yourself?
James R.: Decent I guess. Although I missed out on a Badminton Camp I really wanted to go to.
Faith M.: Really? That's too bad. :(
James R.: Yea, it's a shame. Now I'm just in my house, playing piano, and gaming. -_-
Well, it wasn't turning into anything stellar right now. It feels like the short conversations we've been having in the hallways. I suppose it is kind of dull. I wouldn't quite say like watching paint dry, but it's about on the same level as looking at a rock with a smile drawn onto it with a Sharpy.
Faith M.: I've been working out lately. It's nice, you know? It is a good way to get rid of stress.
James R.: WOW! I'm so jealous. I'd never have the patience to do something like that…
Faith M: You should try it some time.
James R.: Yea, I agree. I'm really out of shape right now.
Guess this was turning out to be the longest conversation I've ever had with Faith. Still nothing too ground breaking though.
James R.: By the way, how did you do on your exams?
Faith M.: Ugh...I don't want to talk about it.
Well. I suppose that's a dead giveaway. She did so well on the Presentation though. I thought she was an excellent student. Or maybe she's like one of those students who go, "Anything under 99 is a fail." No wait. That doesn't seem right. She doesn't seem like one of those people. I'd say the chances of her worried about a lower than 99% is about the same as a penguin being in the Arctic.
James R.: Can you at least tell me what you got in Social?
Faith M.: 72. Out of 100, that is. T_T
James R.: Oh dear…Well, not to brag or anything. 92 out of 100.
Faith M.: WOW. I knew it. Ugh, exams didn't go too well for me.
I'm pretty sure exams don't go too well for a lot of students. Heck, I'd be lying if I said that my marks were the fruits of my own studying. I was bribed. By the offer of a laptop and Xbox 360 if I succeed on my exams. And so, I delivered. Although something tells me that Faith didn't have that kind of motivation.
James R.: Haha. It's okay. There's always next year. But Grade 11 is gonna be tough.
Faith M.: Yeah. For sure.
James R.: I thought you were good on exams though. You got 100% on your presentation, didn't you?
Faith M.: Well, I'm pretty sure that was just a fluke.
James R.: Who knows. Perhaps it was the result of your hard work.
I didn't know what else to say. Dang, that sounded a bit to patronizing. I bet Abraham Lincoln would have wanted a word with me if I were threw out comments like that back in his time.
Faith M.: Well, things have been different. Since…Well…Since February.
Since February? Oh wait…If I remember correctly, isn't that around the same time she started acting erratically? It was around the final exams of the first semester when Faith started acting, well, not like herself. I never quite understood what happened then. But I was a bit worried about it. I never said anything to her, because I didn't know her that well.
James R.: Do you mind telling me about it?
Faith M.: Sorry. It isn't something that I really want to talk about.
James R.: Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to be too nosy.
Faith M.: No worries. Anyhow, I need to go now. I'll talk to you later.
James R.: Right then. See you.
Faith M. is offline.
Now, I have to say, that was by far the longest conversation I've ever had with Faith. It seemed somewhat surreal. Calling it a milestone was a bit far-fetched. But there was one thing that I was more preoccupied with. Back in February. Hmm…I don' exactly know what happened. I had somewhat of a guess though.
One time, back in May, when I was talking to Faith, something possessed me to ask a question. I asked her, "Do you have a boyfriend?" To which her response was no. She answered like how she usually answered my questions. However, I could tell her eyes had widened just a bit. My question had caught her off guard. I then followed up by saying, "I never bothered dating. It seems like a pointless waste of time." Her reaction was curious. She nodded her head in agreement. And then she lowered her head. Like she was remembering something she didn't want to. It's probably the way Romeo looked when he saw Tybalt's body. There was one thing that I found wrong though. If my memory served me right, she did have a boyfriend a while back. And if I also recall correctly, they also broke up. And at that very moment, I thought, "Oh damn. Maybe I shouldn't have brought that up." But in the end, nothing really happened, much to my relief.
Perhaps that was our catalyst there. It may have had something to do with her boyfriend. But since I hate being a nosy person, I decided to lay off. It isn't good to dig into other people's business like that, or so I figured. I'll give her some time. Maybe she'll feel comfortable enough to tell me someday. Until then, I guess I'll just hit the video games. And so, like a marathon runner who can see the finish line in sight, I dashed to my video game console. Figured I deserved it after all the piano I did. I was also hoping that Faith would show up again, but she didn't log back in for the rest of the day. Well, least she isn't like me. She doesn't stay on the couch all day playing games.
Chapter 2: Dark Fact
The next day, I got up, and did my usual routine; breakfast, piano, games. Whee. It was fun. Nah, not really. They say that if you do something you like over and over again, you eventually get bored of it. Well, this was when I was getting bored of video games. It was just the same thing over and over again. I switched between 4 games within a span of 1 hour. Ugh, I gotta take a break from this. At this point, I might as well be Atlas holding up the Earth. Not a pleasant thing.
However, during the evening hours, Faith had once again, mysteriously logged on to Facebook. And, just like last time, something tempted me to start a conversation with her.
James R.: Hey.
Faith M.: Hey.
James R.: What's up?
Faith M.: Nothing much. Yourself?
James R.: Same here.
Faith M.: By the way, do you have Instant Messenger?
James R.: Yea.
Now, up until this point, I hadn't used Instant Messenger in nearly a year. I used to use it to talk with my relatives in America, but after discovering Facebook, I ceased to use it. I wonder how much stuff I got in my inbox now…
Faith M.: Okay. Could you add me on Instant Messenger? I hate Facebook chat.
James R.: Alright sure. Give me your e-mail.
And so, with a few clicks of a mouse and a few presses of a button, I added Faith to my contacts in Instant Messenger.
Faith M.: Awesome.
James R.: I didn't know you used Instant Messenger. I stopped using it after I found Facebook.
Faith M.: Haha. I used to chat with my friends a lot on Instant Messenger. But eventually, no one was online anymore.
James R.: Really? That happened to me as well. No one really seemed to be on.
Faith M.: Oh, another thing. Do you have a phone?
Come to think of it, I just got a new phone. A smartphone. LG Optimus, I think? Much better than my outdated flip phone. Although, now I can't use my phone as a makeshift knife…
James R.: Yea. Want my number?
Faith M.: Sure. I'll give you mine as well.
And so, we also exchanged phone numbers. Whoa. Feels like I've suddenly gotten to know her better. Probably just a feeling, but strangers don't exchange phone number that often. Well, among students at least.
James R.: Did I tell you that my phone does not have text? xD
Faith M.: Really? A smartphone with no text? D:
James R.: Yea. I don't use text messages often. Do you text?
Faith M.: I used to. I used to text to my friends a lot. But then, people just stopped responding. So…
Ugh. I have this feeling like I tripped a land mine. You know, that's actually a good analogy. Talking with other human beings is like walking through a mine field. And you always know when you step on a mine.
James R.: Well, I'm sure there's a reason. If you want, I'll text you. The reason I don't text is because I prefer voice to voice talking.
Faith M.: Nah. It's okay. I was born to be alone.
My eyes turned into trays at that point. Now that is a statement I definitely did not like to hear. Especially after Grade 5. Oh God, Grades 5 and 6 were like a living hell for me. But that's a story for another day.
James R.: Now that is a statement I don't like to hear.
Faith M.: Fine. I want to be alone.
James R.: …That's better. Solitude is probably something one desires.
Wow. This conversation has just taken a huge leap in scope. I was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable here.
Faith M.: No.
James R.: …
Some must have possessed me just then. Once again, I suddenly had an urge to ask yet another question.
James R.: Have you ever considered suicide before?
Yea, I probably had my soul stripped by the devil or something for a moment.
Faith M.: Have you?
Wow. A redirection. Well, I'll answer truthfully then.
James R.: I have. Once upon a time ago.
What else could I say? God, Grade 5 and 6. I just want to forget all of that. Oops. Getting off topic again.
Faith M.: Was it just thoughts, or were you serious?
James R.: I was dead serious. I never followed through though.
Faith M.: Hmm. Alright then. I guess I'll tell you.
Tell me what? I somehow get the feeling this was going to be some big revelation, like finding out who the culprit is in a Sherlock Holmes novel.
Faith M.: I did as well. I was dead serious too. But I was too weak to do it.
At the very moment, I was thinking "Holy $%#..." Can you blame me? I'm pretty sure most people would have reacted this way. I mean, I don't mind telling others about my own endeavours, but I didn't think Faith would be the type who'd think about suicide. She seemed so innocent.
James R.: How come? What happened?
Faith M.: It was back in February. Right after the final exams.
James R.: Yea?
Faith M.: I used to have a boyfriend. I used to date as well.
Okay. Well, that confirms what I had suspected earlier. So, I was right. It was something about that.
Faith M.: I've been through a lot of relationships before. But the one with him, my most recent boyfriend. It was different. It wasn't like the others. And by the way, don't think this is some stupid high school thing.
Even though she couldn't see it, I raised up both hands in the air like I had a gun pointed at me before I continued typing.
James R.: I don't think this is stupid at all. Please continue.
Although I have to admit, I do remember a similar scenario from an anime called "School Days". It was uh, I think Kotonoha who committed suicide? She gave a speech similar to what Faith was saying right now.
Faith M.: He was different from the others. He accepted me for who I was; all the good, along with all the bad.
This was starting to sound like something out of Lucky Star now. But my gaze remained on the screen.
Faith M.: I felt the same way for him. But then, something happened. At about 3:00 in the morning one day, he called me. He said he was breaking up with me. He said that if he didn't I would be in danger. And then he hung on me. Just like that.
By this time, I was pretty sure I know who that boyfriend was now. I didn't know him too well, but he seemed kind of like me. With the exception that he doesn't share my physical weakness, split personality, or addiction to video games.
James R.: Really? Just like that? Did he say what kind of danger?
I should also mention at this point I had this sinking feeling in my stomach. Kind of like how I felt when I knew I was in deep trouble. I'll admit. I am scared. Faith's suicidal thoughts were for a whole different reason. And her reason seemed darker than mine.
Faith M.: No. He never told me. I kept thinking to myself, "What the hell can possibly be that dangerous?" Ever since that day's he become cold to me. He's changed.
James R.: ? Changed how?
And I am officially scared shitless. My hands were shaking. It feels like the Grim Reaper is coming for my soul. Or something.
Faith M.: He used to never hang around girls. Now whenever I see him, he's always with a group of his friends and some girls. He's changed his hairstyle, even his personality has changed. He's like a completely different person. Whenever I try to talk to him, he just says a word and then he's gone.
James R.: …
Faith M.: And that was when I truly began to despair. I cried all the time. I didn't understand. I never knew why he left me. It didn't make sense.
James R.: I see. I'm sorry to hear that.
Alright. I need to calm down. As for the last few minutes, I think it is safe to say that Faith has told me something that she wouldn't have told to many people. Her story really scares me. Similar to something out of those tragedy stories. I probably can't even imagine how she feels, and I'm not even sure how to respond to her anymore. I must be getting melancholic if that's the best I can come up with.
James R.: What happened after? And also, do you think he was a threat to you?
Faith M.: He's ignoring me. I also asked him would he kill me? He said he wouldn't.
James R.: Hmm…So it seems he genuinely cares about you. He doesn't appear to pose the danger.
Faith M.: I know. I asked him about all the people he's been hanging out with. He said that they don't matter to him.
James R.: But you do? It seems a bit unorthodox.
Faith M.: I don't know what to think of him anymore. I've lost all feelings for him now. I don't like the person he's becoming. It is strange. I've gone through other relationships before and I've been just fine. And yet, I just can't seem to get over this one.
Yea. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know anything when it comes to boy and girl relationships. I've always wanted one, but I've never had one. I think such relationships lack a bit of logic as well…
James R.: And so, what have you decided to do?
Faith M.: I'm going to change myself. I'm going to try to move on.
James R.: I see.
Faith M.: I've also decided to keep away from others. I'm going to push my friends away. So that they won't get hurt.
Okay, this now sounds like something out of Final Fantasy. Except I wasn't seeing the same kind of heroism and stuff. This was worrying me.
James R.: Do you remember what I said during English class?
Heck, I practically yelled it. I'm not a very quiet person, as my personality would dictate. But it was the truth to some extent.
James R.: I said that I didn't want to get married.
Faith M.: Yea, I remember.
James R.: Do you know why? It was because I was afraid that anyone who I got close to would only end up getting hurt.
Faith M.: Yea. That's the same reason why I've decided to never seek a relationship with someone again. Because I don't want to hurt anyone else. I'd be willing to die alone, if it means that no one else is hurt.
Yea. I cringed there too. Another one of those lines that I hate to hear. And I usually only hear them in movies or games. But there is some truth to that. Do onto other as you would do to yourself. It makes sense. Although I certainly don't want to see my friend saying that. It'll make me depressed.
James R.: I get what you mean.
Faith M.: Yea.
I'm outta here. I gotta get to bed. It's almost 1 in the morning.
James R.: I'm sorry. But I got to go. Its way past my bed time already. But thanks for taking time to share your story with me.
Faith M.: Yea. Good night.
James R. has signed out.
Well. That was a lot of stuff she said to me. And to be honest, I felt scared. Very scared. Just as I thought I was getting to know her better, suddenly I find out about this. It was like I didn't know her at all. I guess this is what Rosemary meant when she talked about Raiden's room in Metal Gear Solid. It is almost impossible to judge a book by its cover. Putting all that aside, I think I'll take a nice long nap to remedy my frozen brain. There isn't much else I can to at 1 in the morning.
The next day, in the morning, I decided to skip any and all morning routines (sorry Dad), and jumped up right onto Instant Messenger. Not surprisingly, Faith was already online. Though I still feel like I just watched a SAW movie with surround sound and 3D, I nonetheless decided to strike up a conversation with her.
James R.: Hey.
Faith M.: Hey.
James R.: Sorry I had to bail out on you like that. It was getting late. Do you mind continuing from where you left off?
Faith M.: Sure.
Summoning all the courage I had, I braced myself. Oh heck, what I am saying. This isn't that scary, right?
Faith M.: Like I was saying, after what happened, I never felt more alone. And actually, I've only told two other people about this. One of them, my friend, totally freaked out. She kept saying, "Don't do it! Don't do it! Don't you think about that for a second, you hear?" She even texted me to make sure.
Seemed like a plausible reaction. Like they teach in CALM, if you think someone is going to commit suicide, you must not keep quiet. Racking my brains again, I think it is actually a criminal offense if you know someone is going to attempt suicide and do nothing to stop it. But that wasn't the issue here.
James R.: It is understandable. I doubt many people can hear that and remain calm.
Faith M.: And yet you are. Why is that?
James R.: Calm? I'm anything but calm right now. But I'm not freaking out. Please continue.
I wasn't lying. My heart was still racing at this point. Natural human reaction to a scary situation. Animals run away from fire for a reason, you know.
Faith M.: Right. There was one other person I told. Akira. And actually. I didn't know him very well. He was in the same school as me for three years. But we never really talked. One day, when I was sitting alone, he sat down beside me, and started talking to me.
Akira? Well, there's a surprise. And actually, I should mention that Akira was a classmate of mine that I knew from History Class. He seemed like a nice person. I didn't know him too well, but I talked to him every once in a while. I did notice that he and Faith seemed to be sort of close. I guess that explains it.
James R.: Akira?
Faith M.: Yea. He was always cheerful. Kind. Caring. We'd talk pretty often. Gradually, I opened up to him. He is a really good person.
James R.: Hmm.
Faith M.: Eventually, I told him about what happened to me. Some of it, anyways. He listened to everything I said. But in the end, just said, "You should probably move on. Forget about it. He probably doesn't have feelings for you anymore."
James R.: Yea. That sounds like something he would say.
Faith M.: I didn't tell him everything. Because his reactions at that point weren't…Well…
James R.: I know what you mean.
I'd imagine that Akira as someone who really cares about his friends. Maybe even more so than me. If he heard the rest of Faith's story, then I'm sure he'd freak out as well. I suppose that kind of proves that he's a nice person. I'm unsure as to whether he'd walk off a cliff with someone though.
Faith M.: But I owed a lot to him. He saved me from myself. He was so selfless, it was admirable.
James R.: Sounds like my story. A few close friends helped me get through some really bad times.
I still remember how supportive my friends were during my time. They didn't care if they got ridiculed or not. They just wanted to lend a hand.
Faith M.: Is that so? Interesting. Well. That's the end of my story.
James R.: I see. Though I'll admit, I'm scared shitless right now, thanks for taking the time to share your story with me.
Faith M.: Yea.
James R.: Hey, you up for a game?
Faith M.: Sure.
I'll admit that wasn't the end of the conversation right there. We did talk about more about stuff in between. Like how our classmates would bully us, how they'd slander us. It brought up a lot of bad memories from my past. And probably Faith's as well. But in the end, we did play games over Instant Messenger for a while. After that day, we also chatted about other things. Things that weren't as serious. Things that a regular high school students would talk about. It relieved me. She seemed back to normal. There was one other conversation that was noteworthy though.
Faith M.: Can I tell you something?
James R.: Sure. Go ahead.
Faith M.: I didn't say this before. But you remind me of him. My boyfriend.
James R.: Do I now? In what way?
Faith M.: The way you talk. You use big words. Redundant, presume, blatant, etc. It's so similar to how he talked.
James R.: Oh, I see. Actually, I only started talking like that to imitate Koizumi.
Faith M.: After we met in English Class, I told him about you. How similar you two were. He said he wanted to meet you. Maybe get to know you better.
James R.: Really? Haha. I'm not someone you want to talk to that often.
Faith M.: I don't think that's true. The way you act so openly towards others is curious though. You weren't ever secretive. Remember that time you describe what your room looked like to our class?
Yea, I remember. I was both bored and hyper, so I decided to describe what my room looked like, down to the least detail; where I kept my glasses and opticals, where I kept my knives, where I kept my matches and fishbowl, and so on. It seemed everyone had a blast out of it.
James R.: Oh yeah. Haha. I went a bit overboard with that.
Faith M.: Haha. That true, but I have to admit, being around you made me feel much better. You made my day on more than one occasion.
James R.: Oh? I'm certainly glad to hear that.
When I acted the way I did back then, no one ever said anything good about it. It was always slander and ridicule. But eventually, it just seemed to fit into place. After Grade 9, everyone began acting more friendly to me. I never forgot that feeling. The sense that I belonged. That's why I continued to act the way I do. To make sure that no one forgets who I am. To make sure that I'm accepted for who I am.
Faith M.: Yeah. : ) One other thing. I talked to Akira for a while. I've decided to not push my friends away. There are just some people I could never do that too. Like Akira. He saved my life. I could never be mean to him.
James R.: I'm relieved to hear that as well.
Faith M.: Perhaps you as well. I'm glad that I told you everything.
James R.: I certainly hope so.
Faith M.: I have to go now. Take care.
James R.: Right. Later.
Faith M. has signed out.
The atmosphere was a lot less tense now. For me at least. I don't have that odd sinking feeling in my stomach anymore. I am certainly relieved to hear that she wouldn't distance herself from me. She had been seriously considering it though. And actually, it is strange. She wasn't a really close friend or anything, and yet I feel relieved as though we've been friends for years. It's an odd feeling that I can't really put into words.
However, my feeling of relief was to be short lived.
A few days after, when I tried talking to her again, Faith said that she wasn't feeling well, and didn't want to talk. So I said, "Alright then, well, I'm going to play games for a bit, talk to you later." Problem was there wasn't a later. Since that day, she hasn't been online. And the thing that bothered me the most was her status updates.
At first it was, "I want to be left alone. Sorry."
Then it was, "I'm going away. It is my choice."
"I don't have much time left."
"Forgive me for this. But this is something I must do.
After about the fourth or so similar status, I began to panic. And I mean panic. I wasn't sure what to do.
I could only try to guess what was going on. Of course, I had no way of knowing who she's talking to. She didn't attach a name to any of her status updates. But I could only surmise that it was to me. It was the only thing I could assume. I was worried. More worried than I've ever been for the past while. I even decided to talk to some of her friends about it. They all said the same thing; I was overreacting. If I left her alone for a while, she'd be fine. Naturally, I didn't buy a word of it. But there wasn't anything I could do.
I could only wait.
Chapter 3: Shattered Memories
15 days. It's been 15 days since I last spoke to her. I've tried talking to her over Instant Messenger and Facebook. Nothing. Absolutely no response. In every case, she would be online for a moment, I would try to message her, but by the time I've typed a few words she's gone already. I considered calling her cell, but I thought that I might escalate the situation if I did so. And thus, after 15 days, I still haven't heard a word from her.
I sighed. What the hell was going on? My best guess would be that she's depressed about something. Maybe it had something do with her ex-boyfriend. Yeah, that's it. She probably feels bad about saying so much to me that she doesn't feel comfortable talking to me anymore. Despite my best efforts to convince myself that was the case, it didn't seem as simple as that. If it were just about her boyfriend and not me, why did she answer Akira's call? And actually, the truth is, I was so worried that I had Akira call Faith. She answered his call, chatted with him for a bit, and hung up. Or so Akira told me. Nothing out of the ordinary there, according to him. But I can't be sure if Akira is telling the truth or not. I mentally kicked myself there. Akira would never lie to me about something like this.
So, with much time on my hands, I went and hit the video game system. It's sort of a marvel. Video games immerse me in a completely different world. I liken it to a portal into another world. When I play games, most of the day's problems and worries just simply disappear. Instead, I'm concerned about the characters and their problems. Some people might say that it's a form of escape, but I'd shrug that off and say that it's no different from a good book or a movie. I ended up playing Duty's Call: Modern Frontiers with my online buddies for a bit. It felt good. Video games are so much more enjoyable when you play it with people you can associate with. You sort of feel a connection in that moment, you know what I mean? Well, I guess I can't really describe this feeling well. But I like it.
"Hey, James, you haven't played for a long time. I noticed that you had been offline for close to 7 days now. Is something the matter?" From out of the blue, one of my friends shot an inquiry at me.
"I was having some personal issues. Nothing too much though." I tried to dodge the question as best I could. It's not like I could simply discuss the situation regarding Faith with him. "Yo, they have a Hind there. Switch to your Anti-Air Class."
Obviously, he didn't fall for it that easily. "Yea sure. Look man, if I know you as well as I do, then 7 days off video games means it something serious. You sure you don't want to talk about it?" He sounded suspicious now. Ugh.
I sighed deeply. He wasn't getting the point. I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to be reminded of this. "Look Sam, you've got it all wrong. I'm absolutely fine. There isn't a problem now."
"Whatever man. If you need someone to talk to, I'm all ears." Sam said that like we're old buddies or something. Well, he's a friend, but I wasn't going to compare him to my best friend. But he's a good friend. So I guess it was alright.
"Right. Thanks. By the way, I could use some more clips. You got any extra mags?"
And so, I spent the rest of the afternoon playing games with some of my friends. It was fun. Playing video games is always fun. But even as I fired imaginary guns at imaginary enemies, there was still one thing that didn't leaving me mind. The lack of communication with Faith was still troubling me. The reason I was so worried is because we were talking fine, right up until the point where she practically vanished. It was completely without warning. That's what troubling me. Well, I'll give it a few more days. I did ask Akira to put in a word for me. Maybe she'll show up again tomorrow.
And so, without another thought, I pushed through the rest of the day. I will admit that I once again left my Physics homework untouched, but whatever. I'll have plenty of time to solve that stuff later.
Chapter 4: Separate Ways
Day 16. Once again, I had stayed up past 12:00, seeing if Faith would go on IM or Facebook. Ugh, I feel totally beat. It was close to 9:00 AM, but I still didn't feel like waking up. I refused to wake up. Right up until the point where I was practically dragged out of bed by my little sister. She could pass for an alarm clock. If only she didn't yank on my arms as hard as she did.
After eating my usual cereal for breakfast, I was forced onto the piano, as per usual. It's always like this. I eat breakfast, dad shoves piano into my face. But whatever. I'm learning a new song anyways; one that sounds really good, and one that I've been trying to get right for ages. So, it was an early morning hour well spent, at least in my opinion. Of course though, the next hour was outright hellish. Every time my sister had to play piano, I have to teach her the song. And since she happens to be the kind who doesn't pay attention to the instructions of big brother, I was literally yelling at her for an hour, telling her how to play every single little measure right. I think this served as solid proof that I cannot teach. If I lose my patience at a family member like this, God Knows what I would do to a kid who I didn't know personally.
I don't recall what I did in the afternoon. Probably read a book or played video games. The reason was because of what happened at night. Faith was on Instant Messenger. For the first time in 15 days. I excitedly opened up a chat box with her.
James R.: Hey, are you busy right now?
Faith M.: No. Why?
Alright. Now I can figure out what the hell was going on over the past 15 days.
James R.: Alright then. I'll get to the point, if you don't mind.
Faith M.: Sure. I don't mind.
I hated to do this, and I sure was as hell scared to do this. But swallowing my fear, I was blunt.
James R.: What happened? What the $#! happened?
Faith M.: …I'm sorry.
Huh? What? What? What's she sorry about? Was it that she felt guilty about leaving me in the dark for 15 days? Or what?
James R.: Don't be sorry. Not right now at least. Tell me what happened.
Faith M.: Do you remember what I said to you earlier?
I could practically hear the gears in my head starting to spin. Yeah, a while back. I remember. You said that you were going to distance yourself away from me. But you said you decided you wouldn't do that. What in the hell?
James R.: Yeah. I remember.
Faith M.: I said that I was going to keep you away from me.
Okay. But you said you weren't going to do that. I was starting to become very confused. So if I'm not getting the wrong idea here…
James R.: I know. But I was hoping that it would never come down to that. For the past 15 days, I was staying up late, I was trying to message you every way I could. Nothing. I was worried. I was going to call you except
Faith M.: Don't concern yourself over me.
…Can she read minds or something? This is starting to get a bit hairy.
James R.: Except I was afraid you would say that.
Faith M.: You knew I would do this. Why did you even bother?
Once again, I was confused. You said you wouldn't do this. That's why I was worried. I could feel the tension inside me start to rise. Where's my chill pill? There wasn't a Tic Tac within an arm's length of me.
James R.: Do I need a reason to be worried about a friend?
Faith M.: Well, what exactly is it about me? I'm under the impression you don't do this to a lot of your friends.
Damn. Nail on the head right there. But this wasn't the time to be making snide remarks.
James R.: Yes. You are correct. There are some friends that I just don't want to lose.
Faith M.: Is that right?
James R.: Do you remember? What you had said? You said that you wouldn't distance yourself from friends. I still have the conversation log. Did you go back on your words?
Faith M.: Times change.
What in the Samuel hell…Are you serious? You're going back on your word? You're going to distance yourself from me? After all you had said, you had my hopes up. What is up with this? I was starting to feel slightly angry now.
James R.: Indeed. I have another question for you then. Why just me? I didn't see other people get removed from your friend list on Facebook. Just me. What is it about me that you hate so much?
Faith didn't respond for a moment. I get the feeling she was hesitating. Wait, does this mean she really finds something off with me? Please toss me a rope. I'm going to die of anxiety here.
Faith M.: It isn't you. It's me. You're a genuine friend.
Alright. You've told me that you think of me as a friend. So then why? Why did you remove your presence from my life? I want to know. If you think of me as a friend, why would you do this do me?
James R.: Then why? Why do are you doing this? If you think of me as a friend, then why?
Faith M.: Because of that. I can see you as a true friend. Smart, kind-hearted, caring. But that is why we cannot be friends. If you try to get close to me, it will be like trying to take roasted chestnuts off an open fire; you'll only get burnt.
I was speechless at this point. If I were to make sense of this, she was saying that because we would have been good friends, we can't be friends? This doesn't make sense…
James R.: What?
Faith M.: Maybe it would be best if we weren't friends.
She said that with no hesitation. I could literally feel the anger boiling inside me. I wanted to smash that damn message on my computer screen right now. Son of a bitch.
James R.: Even if I was running a fool's errand the entire time, it felt like an errand worth running to me.
Faith M.: …Then you'll only get hurt. Don't say I didn't warn you.
I was clenching my fists now. She was threatening me? Has the world gone insane? Was I hallucinating?
James R.: …
James R.: Well, if this is what you want, if this is what you wish for
Faith M.: I don't want anything. I don't wish for anything.
I clenched my teeth. I was seriously starting to get pissed. Not at her but at myself. Why was I so powerless to stop this? I could literally see her turning her back to me as she was slowly walking out of my life. Oh my god, not this again, why was I losing another friend like this? This can't be happening!
James R.: …Well. Then either way, thanks for telling me the truth.
Faith M.: How do you know this is the truth?
James R.: I don't care. As long as I have a reason, I don't care if it's the truth or a lie. If this is the way our friendship ends
Faith M.: I don't have friends. I don't have a life.
I wanted to yells expletives at the top of my lungs upon seeing that. The anger inside me was probably past the boiling point now. Her remarks weren't helping a bit.
James R.: Was I nothing to you? Did our friendship never matter to you? I know neither of us ever said anything, but I always thought of us as friends!
Or maybe, it was only me who thought that way. I have no way of knowing now, if this is the end.
Faith M.: Ha. It isn't like that.
James R.: …Well, I guess this is goodbye then. If this is the last time we ever talk, I want you to know I'm sorry.
Faith M.: Don't be. It doesn't matter anyways. Farewell.
Faith M. has signed out.
I was utterly shell-shocked still. Faith had appeared on Instant Messenger, only to tell me she's going to stop being my friend. Ha. Ha. This had better be a joke. Tell me when to laugh. No, it wasn't a joke. But I still can't believe it. It just…doesn't seem possible. Overreacting, eh? Well, it seems my initial reaction was spot on.
"I can't take this anymore. I'm going to sleep."
Only I didn't sleep until 3 hours after I hit the bed. I felt more depressed than ever. She wasn't my girlfriend or anything. So why do I feel so bad about losing her? The human mind can be so complex.
And so, I decided to lie silently in my bed, until the next day.