Proof of Purchase

For mon cher Boulederiz.

Because the world needs more FranChu fics.

-xXx-

"Is everyone here today?" Alfred asked, standing from his seat and looking overly eager to get to his presentation.

"Why don't you call roll and find out?" Arthur suggested from where he sat, already sounding annoyed despite the fact the meeting was only about a minute in.

Alfred was, as usual, oblivious to his former father-figure's irritation. "Oh, yeah, okay! Hm..." He paused and glanced around the table. "Eyebrows is here, Chopsticks is here, Commie Bastard is here-"

Arthur sighed forcefully, standing up. "Shut up, Alfred. Let me handle this."

The American nation smiled brightly, apparently not minding that he'd just been told to shut up.

"Matthew?"

"Here."

"Ivan?"

"Present."

"Yao?"

"Present."

"Francis?"

"Here."

Arthur nodded, taking his seat again. "Everyone is here today."

"You didn't call on me!" Alfred pouted, crossing his arms.

The Brit resisted the urge to slam his head on the table. "Alfred?"

"The Hero's here!"

"Of course he is."

Alfred laughed, standing up again. "Okay, my presentation is on-"

Yao lost him after that. Bored of the meeting at only two minutes in, he shifted his gaze to the tabletop, drumming his fingers on it lightly. This was going to be as boring as usual, he knew, and it bugged him that in the two hours they would be here - longer, really, for they took a half-hour lunch break in between - nothing would get accomplished. In fact, after every ally meeting, things had a tendency to get a whole lot worse.

He was content in keeping the nation of China out of it.

For the next hour, that is exactly what he did: Listen to Alfred, Arthur, and the rest of the world (mostly Alfred and Arthur) argue, and stay out of anything that involved his opinion. No one listened to him, anyway.

When it finally came time for break, he was more than happy to get out, but found himself being pulled back by the arm. "Aiya!" He stood back, watching the other nations leave the room. He noticed that Francis wasn't with them and thus discovered who'd held him back. "What is it, Francis?"

"I have a question for you, mon cher."

Sighing through his nose, Yao turned around and met the Frenchman's gaze. "Hurry up."

Now, he had been around for a long time - China was a rather old country, after all - and he'd heard some weird things in his lifetime, but what Francis asked him next really took the cake.

"How long is your penis?"

Yao swear he heard his brain screech as it rewound what he'd just heard. "Exc...use me?"

Francis simply smiled like it was a perfectly normal question. "I said, 'how long is your penis?'"

"I-I'm not telling you! That's a dumb question!"

"Come now, it's a simple question. You should know, shouldn't you? Unless..."

"Unless?" Yao's eyebrows furrowed. "Come on, Frenchy, why are you asking me this?"

The grin that blossomed on Francis' face reminded Yao of an alligator. "Unless you're a woman!"

Yao's mouth fell open. "What?"

"You're a girl!"

"Am not! What the hell!"

Francis crossed his arms. "A male's penis is like his proof of purchase sticker. If you won't tell me how long yours is, you must be implying you do not have one, therefore you are not a man."

"Proof of...! Of course I have a penis, you idiot!"

"You do not."

"Yes I do!"

"Non, you don't have one."

"Yes. I. Do."

"Really?"

"Yes, I have a goddamned dick."

"I don't believe you."

Yao threw his hands up into the air, making an annoyed sound. "I am a man!" he cried.

"So you do have a penis?"

"Yes!"

"How long is it?"

"Ten inch-" The Chinese nation caught himself a little too late, slapping a hand over his mouth as his eyes widened.

Francis grinned in smug satisfaction. "I knew if I made you angry enough, you'd tell me."

"Damn it." Yao slapped a hand to his forehead, his face burning red.

"But ten inches? Mon dieu, Yao. You have to let me see!"

"No!"

"Please?"

"Why?" Now the elder male's expression was not only that of extreme embarrassment, but of confusion as well.

"Because I want to see, of course."

"I'm not just going to let you see me naked." As a reflex, he brought his arms up to his chest, looking self-conscious.

The Frenchman pouted, approaching him and settling his hands on his hips. "Why not?"

Yao looked shocked that Francis was touching him, but couldn't quite gather the willpower to move away. "Because," he began incredulously, "men don't just show other men their vital regions."

"Unless they're attracted to each other."

"Right, unless they're... What?" He felt his face go red again just as it had been starting to clear up. "What do you mean by that?"

With a rather wide smirk, Francis leaned down, meeting the other man's gaze. "What do you think I mean?"

Yao's breathing hitched. "You're crazy."

"Am I?" He looked amused rather than offended.

The younger of the two opened his mouth to speak again, and Yao was pretty sure he was saying something, but he'd blocked all of it out in favor of paying a little too much attention to the fact that their faces were getting really close together, and...

Without really thinking about it, he pushed himself onto his tip-toes, closing the distance between their mouths and feeling his face heat up even more when Francis hummed in surprise. As quickly as he'd done it, he backed down, holding his hand to his mouth again. "I'm sorry. I don't know what I was doing, I... Uh..."

In a mere second, Francis was smiling again. "Don't be sorry, cher." He leaned down, mimicking his companion's previous gesture in a more subtle manner, sliding his arms around the other man's waist and pulling their bodies closer.

"Mmf!" Yao's eyes widened, blinking repeatedly as he slowly deciphered what was going on. A moment passed, and he allowed his eyes to close and his arms to circle around Francis' neck, which he used to pull himself up a bit.

The Frenchman smiled into the kiss, feeling pretty proud of himself despite the fact that Yao had really kissed him first.

Another moment, and the Chinese man was pressed flush against the wall, Francis kissing him with a lot more tongue than there had been about five seconds ago. The former's mind was reeling, but it had been a few hundred years since the last time he'd been with anyone like this... He decided to go along with it.

It was over in the next few seconds anyhow, because he remembered something: Breathing was good. It helped you live.

Francis smirked at him as he broke apart, panting, trying to catch his breath. Once he had, they stood like that in peaceful silence.

Their gazes met, and Yao smiled, laughing a bit through his nose. It felt kind of weird being with someone like Francis, but it wasn't a bad feeling, really. Kind of romantic, actually.

"Yao?" Francis asked.

"Yes?"

"Does this mean I can see your penis?"

And thus, the romantic feeling was lost to a dark cloud of annoyance hanging above the elder country's head.

"You are such a dumbass."