Disclaimer: I don't own anything, so don't arrest me. KTHXBAI.
Author's notes: This isn't a song fic, but the title is taken from Rachael Yamagata's song of the same name.
There was a reason Lily took off for San Francisco. There was the reason everyone knew, and there was the reason only she did.
It began when Robin Scherbatsky's lips met hers inside a high school bathroom.
Lily wasn't prepared. It was a quick peck, but her heart stopped, her head spun, and her knees trembled. Soon, it was over, although Lily wanted so much more.
"Happy?" Robin asked, smiling.
Lily managed get a sound out "Yeah."
The rest of the night, she spent in a secret daze. Even when she danced with Marshall, she could still taste Robin's lip gloss, and she could still smell her perfume. She'd never been in a daze like this. Not even Marshall could manage to cast such a spell on her. In fact, she wasn't sure if Marshall ever did.
Although the story of their meeting was now a choreographed dance, Lily knew her side of the story was nothing but a fairy tale. She didn't love Marshall at first sight; she thought he was cute. She accepted the date because he was so sweet. They got along so well, so perfect…just like best friends.
She stayed with him because she felt safe. She ran to college feeling confused as ever. After leaving Scooter, she met a girl named Rachael who she shared a fling with just before summer ended. All the feelings she felt for Rachael within that one week topped the feelings she ever felt for Scooter.
Lily was afraid. She felt so alone, and so confused. That's why she'd accepted Marshall's date. And all these years, and all through college, she's had to suppress something inside her. There were times when she'd walk with Marshall hand in hand and she'd spot a beautiful girl. Times when she kissed Marshall and instead imagined Rachael, or a girl she saw at a coffee shop.
It was never fair for Marshall. She'd hoped that she'd soon fall in love with him, but she couldn't. It was exhausting, pretending she liked sex with him. It was exhausting choreographing her every move to make it seem like she's madly in love with a man whom only ever really saw as a best friend. She felt so much guilt.
And then he proposed to her. Despite her happy exterior, Lily felt so trapped. It was a dead end. She convinced herself that it wouldn't be too bad, at least she would be able to spend her life with her best friend. She'd never know what true love felt like, but she wouldn't die alone.
However, things turned when she and Ted fell for the same woman. Robin Scherbatsky.
For Lily, Robin was the epitome of love at first sight. She was absolutely beautiful, she thought. She had an irresistible personality. How she envied Ted.
She remembered how bad her palms sweated when she first took Robin out that one night. She remembered when they became closer, and her heart ached at the thought that they'd never be together.
She denied. She was sure it was normal to feel admiration for other women. She suppressed it. Although it was hard doing so whenever Robin arrived wearing a flattering shirt or shorts. It was hard when it was only the two of them, giggling over girl talk, and Robin would pull her into a friendly embrace.
How envious was she of her and Ted? Ted didn't deserve a woman like Robin, she thought.
Her heart would sting whenever they kissed. And whenever it was only her and Robin, she'd experience not butterflies, but moths in her stomach. It drove her wild.
And then came the kiss. The kiss that pulled off the denial cap, and let everything bubble to the top. That's when Lily knew she had to sort it out.
In San Francisco, Lily had dreamt of Robin nearly every night. She got drunk and kissed other women, although they weren't the right fit. They weren't Robin.
Lily spent countless hours panting pictures of her. Pictures she never showed anybody. Pictures she tossed away.
When she finally decided to return, she couldn't believe that Robin was the first face to greet her. She nearly cried, she wanted to jump into her arms and never let her go.
Robin had been so supportive. She even defended her, like a true friend would. She never turned on her back just because she left Marshall. But that's all Robin'll ever be. Her friend, her best friend. It killed her inside. Now she'd even lost Marshall.
Now she lay on her raggy pull-out bed. She was exhausted, but her mind ran like a roller coaster. At least she was now free, alone, but free. And now she could accept what she was. She liked women. Denial nearly ruined her life.
She liked women. She was in love with her female best friend, who she was sure was straight. Her best friends, Ted and Marshall, now despise her. She cried, hoping she'd be able to cry herself to sleep, but she couldn't. Instead, she got up.
She slipped on some shoes and a jacket. She wandered outside, until she found herself at someplace familiar. She rang the bell.
"Yes?" a tired voice answered.
"Robin?" Lily said, her voice trembling.
"Sweetie?" Robin said, sensing the trouble in Lily's voice, "Come on up."
Lily made her way up to Robin's apartment. Robin was already waiting outside, with a small, warm, smile on her face. Lily broke apart.
Robin quickly took her into her arms and led her inside.
"Lily?" she asked, stroking her hair, "What's wrong?"
"I lied," Lily said, between sobs.
"Lied about what?" Robin asked.
"About…" Lily continued, "leaving."
"What? What do you mean?"
"The real reason I left," Lily said, still sobbing.
"What is it?" Robin asked, sitting the two of them down.
Lily wiped her face, as she tried to settle herself down. "I left, because…"
"I can't tell you!" Lily exclaimed, "I just can't."
"Lily you can tell me anything," Robin replied, "I'm your best friend."
Lily stood up, ready to go. And then, she realized she'd be closing another door. She can't do it anymore. She slowly faced Robin.
"I'm a lesbian," Lily said quietly.
Robin's eyes grew. "What…wait…Marshall?"
"I've been denying myself for the longest time," Lily replied, and once more, turned to go.
"Wait, Lily," Robin said, putting a gentle hand on her shoulder, "I don't care if you're gay. I still love you."
The last four words send a flutter up Lily's chest. Robin may never mean it that way, but it still felt wonderful to hear.
"Thanks," Lily said quietly.
"C'mere," Robin said, taking Lily's hand. She sat her down beside her on the couch, and Lay Lily's head on her shoulder. She wrapped an arm around her, and stroke her hair.
"It's okay," Robin said. She surprised Lily again, by leaning in and giving her a long kiss on the lips. It had been the best kiss Lily's ever had in a long time. She kissed her back the best she could.
Could Robin love her back?
Lily wanted to ask, but neither of them said a word after it. They sat there, in each other's arms. Lily felt too comfortable. For now, she tried to forget everything else. All she wanted at that moment was to be Robin. And she was.