Kudos to livingandthriving for guessing correctly!
Sad to say, this is the last chapter... and with a shameless self-insertion to boot. A round dozen chapters of insanity. It has been suggested on occasion that I'm a trifle bloodthirsty - well, I think the following will scotch that little rumour once and for all. No actors or NCIS: Los Angeles characters were harmed in this story and all finished without a single mark upon them.
Hope you enjoy!
"Because he was shot full of more holes than a leaky colander. But look – not a mark on him." Kensi grabbed hold of Callen's shirt and yanked it up to his neck. "Look – completely blemish-free."
Callen grabbed his shirt and pulled it back down again. "Excuse me? I feel violated now. And I thought it was agreed we leave the topless shots and gratuitous nudity to Deeks?"
"He does do it very well," Shane conceded. "You've probably got a point there, mate. We can cut that bit out in the editing suite if you want and cut to a flashback." Shane liked flashbacks, he liked them a lot. It saved money on having to get one of script-writer chappies write some convoluted dialogue that only confused the less-able viewers, plus it also saved money by being able to reuse existing footage. A double whammy in other words and one that mean he had some spare cash to play around with, and maybe squeeze in an extra explosion. Which was always good. You simply couldn't have too many explosions.
"I should have a couple of scars too," Deeks realised. He pulled off his shirt and gazed down at his torso curiously. "From that episode where I was shot and got to lie in bed all the time. Nope, not a trace."
"Just as well," Kensi said dreamily. "We don't want anything marring perfection, do we? You really do have a body like a Grecian god."
"Please tell me you'll edit that bit out as well?" Sam pleaded.
"I'm only saying what all the female viewers are thinking."
"There was that time I was sprayed with Mace," Deeks remembered. "Or was it pepper spray? Anyway, you could practically see me heal on screen. It was like I'd become Captain Scarlet all of a sudden. You know – the guy who was indestructible, no matter how often the Mysterons tried to kill him?"
"That wasn't a guy, that was a puppet," Callen said in long-suffering tones.
"Really? Are you sure? Not that it matters. But I do seem to be a bit accident prone."
"What do you mean?" Shane eyed him beadily. He just hoped this young man wasn't going to be asking for Workers Comp. He already had too many names for comfort, although he wasn't as bad as the big one, who went by one series of names in the credits, but was known as something completely different off-screen. What was wrong with these people? Not that Shane had ever said anything about it, because they were both bigger than him. Especially the bald one. But then he was bigger than everyone.
"In these stories people write about us. Particularly Maxie Kay. She's the worst."
"Or the best. She lets us have lots and lots of exciting adult encounters" (Kensi knew better than to say 'sex' on prime time tv) "which is really pretty great. We're amazing together. So what's a few maims along the way?"
"That's easy for you to say. You're not the one continually getting maimed."
"She maims him?" Shane wondered if this Maxie Kay person could be sued for damage to personal property. Or maybe a charge of reckless maiming or even character endganerment could be brought against her? He'd have to get his lawyers to look into it. Once they were finished with that other pesky little matter. Maybe a timely explosion could sort that out once and for all?
"Maxie Kay maims all of us," Sam amplified. "She's an equal opportunities maimer. But mainly she maims Deeks. She says that's because he maims so beautifully. Maxie's even maimed Hetty." As the said scribe had given him a hot wife and a cute kid, with another one on the way, Sam was rather fond of the old dear. Plus, thus far he'd come off quite lightly and he didn't want to do anything to jeopardise that particular state of affairs.
"Has she got a suicide wish or something?" Shane sat down. Even he hadn't dared to do that. Although, now he thought about it, maybe he could write something maim-wise for Hetty into the opening episode for season three?
"She maimed me twice," Hetty said. "She's a brave lady. Either that or she's very stupid."
Shane wondered if he could get away with maiming Hetty twice, but decided not to push his luck. One really good maim would probably suffice. And it would be cheaper. "So what has this woman done to you?" he asked Kensi.
"I got stabbed and I had a miscarriage. Only the two weren't connected. Oh, and I've had loads of emotional angst."
"I got shot in the foot and I was knocked out," Sam volunteered.
"I had a detached retina, smoke inhalation and then I bit a guy's penis." While not strictly a maim, it had taken Callen a considerable amount of time to get over that particular indignity. He was still receiving counselling for that particular incident.
"And she broke Eric's nose and jaw." Maxie Kay had also made him gay, but Eric had been paying everyone bribe money not to mention that. He still had high hopes that Shane might allow him a little dalliance with Nell. Not to mention allowing him to wear long pants once in a while.
"Strewth." Even Shane was impressed. "Is she Australian?"
"No, much worse than that: she's Scottish. But don't hold that against her."
"What exactly has she done to you then?"
"Well, she's stabbed me at least twice, had me beaten up (nearly lost my spleen there), broken my fingers, shot me in the arm – and then I nearly lost it, due to blood poisoning, had me fall through a burning building and slash my leg open, dislocate my shoulder mountaineering…" Deeks paused for breath. "Then I've been shot in the butt (by Kensi) and got strep throat as a side order, I was blown up in a car explosion, along with Hetty, shot again in the stomach, and of course I've been knocked out more times than I can count. Mainly because I can't count any more, due to the brain damage. I think that's all."
"For now," Kensi said darkly. Given all of the above had happened within a mere five months, she was none too sanguine about what the future held. Still, he did look so lovely when maimed and modelling bandages, so who could possibly blame Maxie Kay for indulging herself?
"Dear God." Well, Shane could hardly say "Dear Me" and hope to have the same sort of dramatic impact. And was it possible to take his own name in vain? "She's like a one-woman Armageddon."
"On the plus side, I'm a millionaire, with a cool house and a dog," Deeks said happily. "So it's not all bad."
"And you've got me too," Kensi reminded him.
"Like I said – brain damage."
Shane looked at him and then at the PC screen. "Getting typing, surfer boy - because you could just about be here all night. And don't even thing about putting in a claim for overtime." He went off to have a little word with the writers – as in "you're all sacked". Why have a whole team when one Scottish female with bloodthirsty tastes was available? As long as she liked explosions, that was.
"Don't worry, Deeks. I'll stay and help you," Kensi said generously. He was still shirtless, after all, and just like Maxie Kay, Kensi was rather partial to shirtless Deeks. She was even more partial to totally naked Deeks. But that, dear readers, is another story.