I pulled into my driveway, shutting off the engine to my car. I sat there, staring at my reflection in the rearview mirror. The last 2 weeks have been a rollercoaster and I'm not sure just how much more I could handle. I ran my hand through my hair, hoping it would calm my mind and the thoughts that raced through it. I took a deep breath and finally exited my car, walking up to the house that looked dark, except for the living room light that was on. I opened the door, looking and hearing some movement coming from the back room. I looked at the congrats cards spread across our dining room table, and the small banner that hung in my hospital room only a week ago, I ran my fingers across the font that said "It's a boy!" I smiled thinking of the little guy. I made my way down the hall and opened the bedroom door, startling Ryan.
Ryan and I started dating when we were in High School, and the relationship just seemed to always be perfect. He was my first love and my true love. I smiled when I saw him look back at me, when I asked innocently "What are you doing?" Ryan's expression said it all, as he simply glanced down at the bed, tossing a t-shirt into the already packed suitcase. I stood there in shock, my insides felt like somebody tore them out and put them into a blender when I spoke in a shaky voice "Where are you going?" Ryan sighed as he started zipping up the large suitcase "Look, I've done a lot of thinking lately…this isn't gonna work!" he coldly stated, pulling the suitcase off of the bed, it landing with a thud.
I followed him as he pushed past me out of the bedroom back into the living room. The anger inside of me boiling as I yelled back "What's not gonna work? We were fine a few weeks ago!" Ryan stopped in his tracks, turning back to me "Yeah, well that was a few weeks ago. A few weeks ago we didn't have a …it doesn't matter" he finished grabbing some papers from the table. "A baby! A few weeks ago we didn't have a son! Your son!" I snapped back when Ryan spun around, anger in his eyes when he yelled "That is not my son! My son would not be…" he stopped, running his hand over his face. Silence filling the room for a moment when Ryan spoke again "I never signed on for this…" grabbing his jacket from the chair. I watched as he hastily put it on, glancing back to me when I spoke "They said he'll lead a normal life" Ryan sighed before responding "They can't be sure of it!" The anger inside of me reached a boiling point when I yelled back "Well the one thing I'm sure of, my son won't be an asshole like his father!" pushing past Ryan, running out of the house.
The tears streaming down my face as I ran down the steps and back to my car. I opened the car door, swiftly turning on the engine and peeling out of the drive way. For a minute I didn't know where to go, I thought about going to my brother and sister in law's house, I thought about going to the local bar, but finally I went where my heart told me to go, as I pulled into the hospital parking garage. I knew it was past visiting hours, but I had to see him. I walked into the elevator, wiping the stray tears from my face as it took me to the NICU floor. I heard the ding and the doors opened as I walked into the familiar hallway, and made my way to the nurses station. I stood there when finally one of the nurses appeared, as she spoke sweetly "You know the visiting hours are over" I nodded, biting my lip to hold back more tears when I spoke with a shaky voice "Please" The nurse eyed my appearance and I think she took pity on me as she nodded her head and led me to the nursery.
I walked into the quiet room, looking around the numerous small babies as they slept in their incubators. Some of them attached to machines, others braving it out and breathing on their own. I smiled as I followed the nurse, leading me to the small incubator towards the back of the room. I watched as she stopped, opening the incubator before turning to me "He must of knew you were coming" she said with a smile, as I looked down into the small machine and saw my little boy's eyes open, looking at me. I sat down in a small chair, while the nurse lifted my son out of the incubator, placing him in my arms. I looked into his blue eyes, as he looked up into mine. I swallowed the cryball in my throat as I rocked my son back and forth. Running my hand over his small gentle head, over the small amount of fuzz that lay on his head. "It's gonna be ok. It's gonna be ok. Just me and you. I'm gonna take good care of you, I promise." I promised my son right then and there, deep down I made a bigger promise to make sure nothing would ever happen to him, and I was determined to keep that promise.