No excuses for the EPIC lateness of my update, but things will be getting better...I promise.
You might need to start from the beginning to refresh your memories, it has been that long after all
I stared at the phone in my hand for what seemed like hours, whereas in fact it was only seconds before I pushed the call button to dial Edward. I knew that what I was doing was like taking two steps back, but I needed him. I needed to have him reassure me that Nan was going to be ok.
I noticed that my hand was shaking as I pulled the phone up to my ear, my breath shallow and fast with nerves at what he would say.
He never picked up.
It went to voicemail.
I ended the call and placed my phone back in my pocket, cupping the hot paper cup with my hands that felt ice cold.
Edward didn't pick up. Did he ignore me or was he too busy?
I was busy battling with my thoughts when another popped in.
You told him you wanted distance, emotional distance. This is what it's like.
It was odd that I felt guilty at knowing that it was what I said to Edward the night before that had caused this distance. This is what I wanted, wasn't it?
I couldn't help but feel lost without his words of comfort, comfort that I was in serious need of.
I knew that this would be hard, I knew that it was for the best, but it didn't feel like it.
Jacob walked back into the cafeteria and broke me out of my musings.
"Alice is on her way, she said that you might need a friend right now." Jacob told me, I could see sadness evident on his face.
He loved Nan as much as I did, and I could see that he was hurting too.
I gave a subtle nod, letting him know that I heard him as he sat next to me and placed his arm around my shoulder.
"She'll be ok, won't she Jake?" I asked him, not looking up from my hands around the coffee cup.
"I sure hope so." Was all he said quietly in reply.
You could feel the gloom around us, like a heavy air saturated with sadness and trepidation.
We sat in the cafeteria in silence until Alice came through the doors like a little whirlwind. The moment she saw us, she seemed to lose her usual enthusiasm and slouched in matching sadness with us.
"How is she?" She asked quietly, sitting across from me and Jacob.
"They're getting her settled in ICU, they think she has a heart attack." Jacob answered her.
We all sat in silence, lost in our own thoughts when the sound of my phone ringing broke me out of my musings. Before I even looked at the screen, I knew who's name would be flashing up.
Without really looking at the phone, I hit the decline button and noticed Alice give me a questioning look. I gave a slight shake of my head and placed the phone on the table, face down and flicked the switch that silenced it.
The people of importance were all under the roof of Forks Hospital, she was lying in a bed with tubes no doubt coming out of her, helping her to breathe, keeping her alive.
My moment of weakness of calling Edward won't happen again, and it was then that I decided that I would delete Edward's number from my phone once my head was clearer.
I just hoped that my resolve would hold.
What seemed like an eternity later, but was really only 30 minutes, Emily came looking for us to let us know that we could see Nana. My heart dropped at the thought of what I might see when I entered the room.
My heart was hammering in my chest and tears were already in my eyes before I even took the steps that would lead me through the door way.
Nan looked so small surrounded by all the machines. I could hear the beep of the heart monitor and the hiss of the ventilator that was breathing for her.
This is not what she wanted, she didn't want to be attached to machines. She had made her stand on all this perfectly clear, and I was torn as to what I should do.
I sat on the chair that was next to her bed and took her small frail hand in mine, her skin looked so translucent that I could see the veins running up and down.
"Hey Nan." I whispered to her, tears falling from my eyes. "You tried to go, but they kept you here...I know this isn't what you wanted, but...I...I"
That is when the sobbing started.
"You can't expect me to tell them to turn off the machines! You can't!" My voice was getting louder, as if I was imploring her to wake up and make the decision for me.
"Please wake up Nan...please..." I begged her, my voice dropping to a whisper.
I placed my head on her arm, trying to get my breathing under control, when I felt someone standing next to me.
"She'll pull through Bella, there's plenty of life left in Nonnie yet." I heard Jacob tell me.
"It's too soon Jake, she can't go yet." I told him, my head not moving from her arm.
I felt Jacob place his hand on my shoulder, trying to give me comfort, but the only comfort that would work was laying before me in a bed, seemingly gone already.
...Short and not so sweet but just to let you know that I haven't forgotten about his story, and I'm getting my writing mojo back.
Thanks for sticking with me xx