Crack! This is pure crack. Not intended for any seriousness whatsoever so do not view it as such. No epic tale here. And if you don't enjoy utter ridiculousness and somewhat retarded stories then go away. These are not the stories you seek.
If you want to blame anyone for this idea, you can blame Sandataba for giving me the idea when she reviewed, my fic, Sasuke kills Gonzo.
Sandataba, it doesn't take much to get me started, girl. I think I wrote most of this the day after you reviewed, lol. I'm just dusting it off and cleaning it up now, cause I'm bored. I dedicate this to you, the author who makes crack make seem reasonable…and fun.
Foul Language and Stupidity is rampant here. It's short and dumb—expect nothing else. If you complain about it being short and dumb I will strike back! No excuses!
You've been warned.
(*Author stockpiles weapons* e.g.—sticks, stones, etc.)
That's How the Cookie Crumbles—Cookie Monster vs. Hidan—Fight!
"Fuck you, Kakuzu! I don't fucking want to!"
Hidan's short-tempered partner shoved a large, silver tray into his hands.
"You should have thought of that before you broke the master's idol. You're lucky that the others even offered to help you collect funds for repairs, dumbass. Now, you better sell enough of these cookies to make the next payment on the plaster bill or I'll start hacking off appendages to sell on the black market—namely, yours."
"Yeah, yeah, I fucking heard you already. Cookies, sell cookies freakin-jeez, motherfucker."
Hidan picked up a cookie, took a bite, and set it back on the tray in front of him on the table. He looked around the street on the bright, sunny day and saw lots of children playing up and down it—but kids don't usually have money. He needed to find an adult. Suddenly a door opened up in the next building and a woman walked down the painted green stoop and turned his way.
"Hey, bi—ah, pretty lady! You wanna buy a cookie from a handsome guy don't you? They're only a dollar."
"Of course," she smiled kindly.
"Fuckin-A. Yes! You're fucking awesome, lady!" Hidan smiled devastatingly—he knew he was a handsome bastard after all. The bitches would soon be lining up down the block to get a little of his sugar. Then he'd have his pick of sacrifices after taking their dough. "You should buy two, lady."
"Er, um, sure," he was attractive, but this purple-eyed man was beginning to give her the serious creeps. 'Best not to make him mad,' she thought. "Why not?" she gave him the first dollar, which he snatched with a crow of glee.
'Might as well kill two birds with one stone,' he thought. Jashin-sama was always looking for new recruits and he could do worse than this bitch. He smiled toothily at her. "Have you heard about the Jashin religion? He offers eternal life and you can sin all you want."
Scared now, she shook her head, all the while swiftly searching her purse for another dollar bill to placate the frightening, silver-haired man.
"Well maybe you can buy more of my cookies while I explain—"
"No, thank you." she threw the dollar at him, grabbed her second cookie and bolted. 'What a weirdo,' she thought rushing away from the cursing man, 'I swear there are more and more of them popping up every day on this street.
"Hey! Get the hell back here! Two cookies? That's it? You cheap bitch! Come here and I'll give you something to fucking run away screaming about." Hidan sat and sulked for a before he saw another potential sucker coming up the street.
"Hey, you!" he pointed at the next guy.
"Who? Meee?" the short blue monster walked across the street toward him, "Hey mister, you call me?"
"Yeah, I was calling you, you little bastard. You like cookies?"
"Do me like cookies? OH, YEAH!" the strange furry, blue man with the big googly eyes jumped up and down clapping his hands. "Me LOVE cookies! More than anythi-"
"Shut the fuck up already! You wanna buy some cookies? Got some right here!" Hidan bragged. "Fresh baked and the best you ever fucking tasted," Hidan displayed his huge tray of delicious looking cookies proudly. "Only two dollars each."
"Yeah, here I'll give you a free sample if you want." Hidan held out the tray for the furry guy to take one.
'Man,' he thought, 'This guy is so fucking hyped up for a cookie he'll probably buy every single one once he's tasted them. Them I can get master's dumb-fuckin idol repairs paid for and get the fuck on with my life.'
"Me want!" The fur flew as the blue monster hit the edge of the tray and all the cookies went flying into the air. Hidan's jaw dropped.
"OM NOM NOM! OM NUM NUM!"
It was pure pandemonium as Hidan tried to save the cookies before they hit the ground but the furry blue bastard was quicker. Right! Left! Front! Behind! Every way he went, a blue hand shot out in front of him, shoveling his profits into the black maw of the google-eyed monster. By the time the pan hit the sidewalk, it was all over. Not one solitary crumb was left in sight.
"God dammit! You ate all my fucking cookies!"
"Oh. Me sorry, bad-word man. Dey were de-li-cious."
"Ok. Just fucking forget it." it was a good thing he'd only put half his cookies out at first, he thought with relief, pulling out the plain brown box hiding the rest of the tasty baked goods within sight of the furry man. "Just give me some cash for the cookies and we'll call it even."
"What cookies?" the monster looked around but there were no cookies that he could see. "Me no see cookies."
"The god-damned cookies you just fucking scarfed from me you little shit!" Hidan howled.
"The first one was free! You have to pay for the rest of them, idiot!"
"Oh, me sorry." Cookie Monster looked properly chastised. Then he turned his pleading eyes back to Hidan. "Me no have no money."
"What! You son of a b-" Hidan reached for his weapon that Kakuzu had insisted he keep out of sight.
"I know," Cookie's finger popped up when he had a sudden idea. "Me see Ernie. Me ask him for cookie money."
Hidan set his scythe back on the sidewalk behind the table. "Hey, that's not a bad idea you fricken blue glob of fur. Call him over." Hidan started to refill his tray with the rest of the cookies from his box while the furry blue guy ran across the street to his friend.
"Ernie! Hey Ernie, come here!"
"Oh, hello, Cookie Monster. What ya doing?"
"Me eating cookies! Me want to eat more cookies," Her grabbed Ernie by the shoulders, shaking him slightly before dragging him over to the cookie stand, "Me love cookies Ernie," Cookie told him seriously.
"I know Cookie Monster," Ernie patted his hand, "I happen to love cookies, too."
"Really?" asked Hidan.
"Really?" Asked Cookie Monster at the same time, "Then, don't you think it good idea to ask for buy cookies today and pay tomorrow?"
"Hey," Ernie said enthusiastically, "that is a really good idea, Cookie."
"Oh, thank you Ernie!" Cookie attacked the table, knocking cookies and trays everywhere.
"OM NOM NOM! OM NUM NUM, OM NOM!" Cookie crumbs and boxes and wrappers went flying every which way.
"Hey! I never agreed to that shit! Hey! You're eating all my cookies again! Hey mother-fucker! Who's gonna pay for all this?"
"Ernie pay," Cookie Monster said innocently, pointing at his striped-shirt friend.
"Wait a minute Cookie! I never said I'd pay for it. I said it was a good idea. Bert has my wallet anyway because he says I spend money too impulsively. Schee-hee-hee-hee-heehee."
"Oh, sorry, Ernie."
"That's perfectly all right Cookie Monster," Ernie patted him on the back and waved goodbye. "I'll see you around, good buddy!"
"Hey! Kakuzu is gonna fucking freak. Someone's gotta pay for all these damn cookies!"
"What cookie, sir?" Cookie asked innocently, looking around hungrily.
Hidan ran down Sesame Street screaming.
Cookie Wins! Ding! Ding! Ding!
A/N-I know—Stupid, right? Made my kid laugh though.
Don't worry, she's seventeen, not five. I didn't let her get twisted by my warped sense of humor until she was at least fifteen or sixteen.
Want to see more? Actually there is a bit more of this silliness in the works if anyone's interested in seeing it.
While I'm waiting for my poor beta to squeeze herself dry from the awful hurricane and see if she even has time to beta co9t after that disaster, Rivenmist is standing in. But she has high school and work and college classes too, so, she only has time for some short stuff. I don't ask her to edit anything big or, uh, you know, citrus. I'm not that warped. So crack it is.
Thanks, Rivenmist, for stepping in and, Sakura's Unicorn, I hope you had a good life raft. Please be safe and dry and have power soon.