"You Can Call Me Al"

Rated T for just plain goofiness

Disclaimer: I don't own the Paul Simon song. I do own what Justin does to Alejandro in this fic. All apologies for offensive material, but George Carlin would like it, may he rest in peace!

Justin was sitting in the poolside alongside Geoff. He seems to be a little jealous about something. Whatever Geoff knew at first, it's gotta be eating Justin inside like a fatboy would do a pepperoni pizza.

"Hey, man. Something eating you up inside?" Geoff said, being concerned and drinking a Sprite in his hand.

"It's that damn Alejandro. Look how he's trying to steal my thunder like that!" Justin said, with rage that could crush a can with his bare fist.

"What's your problem with him anyway?"

"I hate how he's kissing his ass for Heather. I hate that jerk for making her happy! I should be the one that should get the hot girl, and why did she have to be all over this crap of a man?" Justin reacting like a mean hyena on the rampage.

"Well, maybe because Heather doesn't like self-centered men who only focuses on their looks and beauty. And she just decided to go for a man who only loves everything a woman could ask for, mainly money and self-indulgence." Geoff replied to Justin, making sense. Justin didn't even care.

"I hardly care about that...I gotta do something to make her attracted to me!" Justin said proudly, determining himself.

Then something came up to Geoff's mind.

"Dude...I got the most kickass idea ever!" Geoff exclaimed quietly.

"What, you gonna make out with Bridgette again, because I'm gettin' a little tired of that." Justin said, as he was gonna feel like in a bored state.

"No, I'm not talking about that. What can we do to make Alejandro's reputation miserable? Make a viral video of course, you know...for our enjoyment. For his embarassment! You with me?" Geoff said to his ear.

"You know what..." Justin responded as he saw Alejandro (who was making Heather blushing and laughing) and back to Geoff. "...Let's do it...this will be the last time that dead donkey ever tries to surpass me..." his sentence finished as he grabbed a permanent marker.

Meanwhile, Alejandro and his somewhat "girlfriend" Heather was spending time looking at viral videos.

"Hahaha...what a loser..." Alejandro said as he was finished washing a skateboarder fall straight on his nads (much like sitting on his nads.)

"That was hilarious...go to that one." Heather said as she pointed to a video that was somewhat strange.

The video was entilted: "Alejandro's surprise"

"That's weird..." Alejandro replied as he pointed the cursor to the video.

As soon as it appeared...it was happening to be Justin, dressed up as Alejandro and Geoff taping the whole thing.

"Oh...this is interesting..." Heather said as Justin appeared as the latin lover. He was doing a goody walk among a blue screen and a treadmill.

A man walks down the street
He says why am I soft in the middle now
Why am I soft in the middle
The rest of my life is so hard
I need a photo-opportunity
I want a shot at redemption
Don't want to end up a cartoon
In a cartoon graveyard
Bonedigger Bonedigger
Dogs in the moonlight
Far away my well-lit door
Mr. Beerbelly Beerbelly
Get these mutts away from me
You know I don't find this stuff amusing anymore

Alejandro (Justin) was confronting Owen who was dressed as a fat Ku Klux Klan member, and was showing a picture of cute puppies who Alejandro (Justin) want killed. Owen, took the shotgun and left. Alejandro does the "Heil Hitler" sign.

Heather soon looked back to Alejandro and was offended.

"You'd actually do that to cute puppies!" she shouted to him.

"I swear! I had nothing to do with that!" he said to her.

If you'll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you Betty
And Betty when you call me
You can call me Al

The next scene showed Alejandro (Justin) showed a short midget-like Osama bin Laden going up to him in distress. Alejandro (Justin) felt concerned that no one's paying attention to him so Osama gives Alejandro a letter telling him to kill the President. Alejandro (Justin) agrees and dances. As he dances, he then holds up a sign saying "I killed Heather's ancestors!". Heather didn't like that at all, mainly cause he was angry at Alejandro.

"Why would you do that!" Heather lashed out at him.

"I don't know, but that's not me! I don't remember doing that!" Alejandro accidentally screamed at her.

A man walks down the street
He says why am I short of attention
Got a short little span of attention
And wore my nights are so long
Where's my wife and family
What if I die here
Who'll be my role-model
Now that my role-model is
Gone Gone
He ducked back down the alley
With some roly-poly little bat-faced girl
All along along
There were incidents and accidents
There were hints and allegations

The next scene showed Alejandro (Justin) dressed up as a police officer pulling over a black man (he's an actor). After a tough altercation, Alejandro (Justin) pulls over the black man and beats him down to a pulp. And then, a group of pissed off African Americans started ganging up on Alejandro (Justin) and started thrashing him. They weren't exactly beating up on him, but they were tap dancing on him. Heather even laughed at the amusement. Alejandro didn't find humor in that at all.

Heather stopped laughing as the real Alejandro, looking pissed off.

If you'll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you Betty
And Betty when you call me
You can call me Al
Call me Al

Next scene showed Alejandro (Justin) shaking hands with Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadimejad (Trent) and he gave him complete access to his complete weapons to destroy the earth.

They both danced straight to the closet. As they went inside, the whole building shook.

As soon as the shaking stopped, Alejandro (Justin) stepped out of the closet as Mahmoud (Trent) thanked him with a cigarette holding in his mouth. But inside, it was just Justin and Trent playing cards. Heather was digusted by Alejandro further than all the scene the fake Alejandro did.

"Oh...my...god! Are you gay!" Heather reacted in shock.

"Trust me Heather, that stuff ain't real!" he said to her telling the truth.

A man walks down the street
It's a street in a strange world
Maybe it's the Third World
Maybe it's his first time around
He doesn't speak the language
He holds no currency
He is a foreign man
He is surrounded by the sound
The sound
Cattle in the marketplace
Scatterlings and orphanages
He looks around, around
He sees angels in the architecture
Spinning in infinity
He says Amen and Hallelujah!

The last scene just pissed Heather off to the bone. It featured Alejandro (Justin) taking her cat, Bruiser, and setting him down on the toilet. He is wearing a "Support Moammar Gadhafi" t-shirt. He then pulls his pants down and is shown taking a crap on Heather's cat. He is given a thumbs up. It was acutally Noah taking a crap.

"You...SON OF A BITCH!" Heather yelled at Alejandro for that unforgivable clip.

"Heather...I can explain-" Alejandro's voice was cut off when suddenly...


...Heather slapped Alejandro so loud it shattered glass all over the entire world.

"WE ARE THROUGH! I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOUR RACIST ASS ANYMORE!" Heather said leaving Alejandro unconscious with a red slap mark to the face.

If you'll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you Betty
And Betty when you call me
You can call me Al
Call me Al

The video ended as Alejandro (Justin), a fat Ku Klux Klan member, midget Osama bin Laden, Mahmoud Ahmadimejad, and Moammar Gadhafi danced alongside him with a salute.

"OHIO!" the fake Alejandro said on the video. The real Alejandro was still on the floor feeling the effects of Heather's monster slap.

Evening passed as Justin had now Heather alongside his arm sharing a conversation with him.

"More sparkling grape, ma'am?" justin said to her holding the bottle.

"Oh...you're such a gentleman." Heather replied as Justin poured the liquid down her glass.

"Thanks. So it didn't work out, huh. Can't blame him. He just missed his chance. I wonder why...?" Justin said referring to Alejandro, who was now stuffed in a trashcan with a Nazi symbol painted in his ass. Somebody also stuffed a Ku Klux Klan flag to him, and the words "racist pig" painted on Alejandro's face.

"Maybe Alejandro couldn't just satisfy me the way you could do for me." Heather said, seducing Justin in a innocent-like fashion.

"That I could do..." Justin spoke as he and Heather shared a kiss so tender, it could make an angry Alejandro jealous inside.

"I really love you, Justin..."

"Same here to you, Heather..." he said as they kissed again and toasted their glasses to each other.

To Justin, this was the victory he wanted.

And doing it to Alejandro...was just pure sweet revenge...

That is what I call, the ultimate payback! Read and review! WINNING!