Disclaimer: The Turtles aren't mine. The idea comes from ginnystar's Sherlock- and Watson manuals (on LiveJournal).
DONATELLO: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
You are now the proud owner of a DONATELLO! In order to obtain optimum performance from your Ninja Turtle, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual. Please note that this document refers to the two following models of the DONATELLO unit:
2k3 DONATELLO (Fox TV, 2003)
CGI DONATELLO (Imagi Animation Studios, 2007)
Name: Hamato Donatello (i.e. Don, Donnie)
Manufacturer: Kevin Eastman & Peter Laird, Eastman & Laird Enterprises
Height: Variable (depending on model)
Weight: Variable (depending on model)
Length: 6 feet/1,82 metres (NOTE: This measurement is in reference to your DONATELLO's bo staff.)
Your DONATELLO comes equipped with these items:
* Bandana (purple) (1)
* Belt (1)
* Elbow pads (2)
* Knee pads (2)
* Bo staff (1)
* Duffel bag (1) holding these items:
- Screwdriver (1)
- Monkey wrench (big) (1)
- Monkey wrench (small) (1)
- Magnifying glass (1)
- Lighter (1)
- Roll of cable (15 yards) (1)
- Box of screws (1)
- Roll of plastic wrap (1)
- Roll of aluminium foil (1)
- Pair of scissors (1)
- Box of rubber bands (1)
- Swiss army knife (1)
- Tongs (1)
- Pigeon puppet (1)
- Roll of sticky tape (2)
- Spirit stove (1)
- Note book (1)
- Pencil (1)
- Pen (1)
- Measuring-tape (1)
DONATELLOs are by nature rather shy and not very people-oriented. Don't try to force yourself upon him when he is let out of his crate. If you don't let him take the first step, establishing trust will be very difficult. Stand back, be calm, and provide coffee (NOTE: Not decaf!) and full access to all electronics and tools in the house, and it won't take long before your DONATELLO will be friendly disposed towards you.
While a DONATELLO is very kind and caring for others, he doesn't show much interest in his own welfare. Make sure to keep track of when he last ate – if you ask him and he says: "Not long ago," remember that such a statement could mean anything from "five hours ago" to "five weeks ago". (NOTE: Coffee is a crucial component in keeping your DONATELLO content and happy, but it's easy to make the mistake of giving him too much of the stuff. A general rule is: No more than 0,4 gallons/1,5 litres a day.) It is also advisable to take care that he gets enough sleep. Unfortunately, DONATELLOs are, while otherwise very obliging, often uncooperative in these matters. If this proves to become a huge issue, buy or rent a RAPHAEL or a LEONARDO unit to aid you.
Your DONATELLO is, obviously, a superb ninja and minor assassinations will be no problem with him in your house. But that's not all he is good for! Here follow a few suggestions as how to obtain optimum range of application for your DONATELLO.
Your DONATELLO has a certain way with mops and brooms – it almost seems like he's dancing over the floor with them. His bo staff is exemplary when you find yourself in lack of a clothes line, and he will not accidentally break your dishwasher or washing machine. WARNING: Cooking isn't one of your DONATELLO's greatest talents. Do not, under any circumstances, let your DONATELLO cook.
COMFORTER DURING MENSTRUATION:
With the exception of an APRIL, there is no better Eastman & Laird Enterprises unit than DONATELLO to care for you when you are having your days of the month. Unlike other male units, your DONATELLO is understanding of the female nature and will be sensitive and take care of all your needs. He will provide you with pain killers, chocolate, hot tea and heating pads, and won't come back with panty liners when you sent him out for sanitary napkins. In short – when you feel the first cramps approaching, kick your boyfriend out of the house for a week and let no other male than DONATELLO attend upon you!
DONATELLO's bandana is purple. You can easily trick people into believing he's a homosexual, and then all your girl friends will be jealous since it is all girls' dream to have a male gay friend.
Are you a secret agent, working for the KGB? Having trouble hacking into Pentagon's secret files? In that case, a DONATELLO is exactly what you need! Place him in front of your computer, describe to him exactly what you'd like to get access to, and within a few minutes you will have enough inside information to overthrow a government.
TECH PHONE LINE OPERATOR:
A DONATELLO has a way with words, and is talented in the ways of explaining things to and helping people out. Want to earn some extra cash? Start your own tech support phone line and have DONATELLO take the calls. His skills, both in technical matters and in talking to people without losing patience are remarkable. NOTE: You might want to have some coffee and pain killers nearby when you are using your DONATELLO for this kind of task. WARNING: Do not use your DONATELLO as an operator if you're running a sex line. It's not that kind of phone line DONATELLO's good for.
NOBEL PEACE PRIZE WINNER:
DONATELLOs are by nature both peace-loving creatures and geniuses. If you have the money, let him use his spectacular mind in whatever way he wish – sooner or later he will come up with some fantastic invention which will help achieving world peace. This will gain you fame and fortune, as well as a nice vacation to Scandinavia. Don't forget to have a tux custom-made for your DONATELLO – none of the usual sizes will fit.
TROUBLESHOOTING/FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:
Q: I've owned a DONATELLO for three years and have never had any trouble with him. Then I got a CASEY unit two weeks ago, and suddenly my DONATELLO seems to be in a constant bad mood. He keeps trying to ignore the CASEY, but it's difficult since the CASEY won't leave him alone. What can I do to restore peace in my household?
A: Unfortunately, DONATELLOs and CASEYs aren't compatible with one another. While not being openly hostile, they are not on the same wavelength, not sharing any interests and/or characteristics. (For example, a CASEY requires constant attention and physical activity, while a DONATELLO often prefers being alone minding his own business.) It is inadvisable to buy two incompatible units, since there really isn't much to do about the problem.
Q: My DONATELLO seems to have been brought to a standstill during an experiment. This is clearly very distressing for him. I already have a RAPHAEL unit in my household, but he doesn't seem to be able to help.
A: Neither RAPHAELs nor LEONARDOs, MICHELANGELOs, SPLINTERs or CASEYs will be of much use for this kind of situation. If your DONATELLO is in actual need of assistance, buy or rent an APRIL, LEATHERHEAD or FUGITOID unit for the purpose.
Q: My DONATELLO keeps installing Linux on my PC when I'm away.
A: Your DONATELLO is bored. Give him some broken electronics to play with when you leave home. On the other hand, why are you complaining – you've got Linux!
Q: A few weeks ago, my DONATELLO got a small scratch on his thigh. It's been itching, but otherwise not very bothersome for him. But a couple of minutes ago, the whole leg started swelling up, his skin started darkening, and now he's frothing at the mouth!
A: Your DONATELLO has been infected with a particularly nasty virus and upgraded into a so-called GAMERA DON. This kind of unit is extremely aggressive and dangerous and it is advisable to take cover IMMEDIATELY. If possible, attempt to get a hold of a LEATHERHEAD unit, which will have a certain kind of software installed for this kind of situation. WARNING: We take no responsibility for any casualties connected to a GAMERA DON incident.
Q: My DONATELLO seems unable to concentrate on his work, but he refuses to leave it. I've been trying to gain his attention with some interesting TV documentaries and different science magazines, but it doesn't seem to be working.
A: Even the most intelligent and ambitious genius requires a break sometimes. Unfortunately, DONATELLOs are bad at recognizing this basic need within them. Try to engage a MICHELANGELO unit that will be able to distract your DONATELLO from work for a while.
Q: Ever since my DONATELLO found a mysterious glowing rock on the ground, he's been obsessed with building this huge excavator that will "aid him in reaching a forgotten civilisation underground". What can I do to stop this?
A: There is not much to be done, we're afraid. When a DONATELLO really makes up his mind on something, it is almost impossible to stop him. Your best course of action would be to buy or rent a LEONARDO, a RAPHAEL and a MICHELANGELO unit that will help him out in this quest, since it will be too perilous for him on his own.
We hope your DONATELLO will bring much joy to your household and make life easier for you!
© Eastman & Laird Enterprises
Please feel free to check out the user manuals for the other NINJA TURTLEs at my profile! :)