Confession

Unable to say it, Merlin instead writes to Arthur about his magic. Preslash Arthur/Merlin. Post Season 3 but no spoilers.

Presented in 2 Parts

Chapter 1

To My Lord Arthur Pendragon, Crowned Prince of Camelot, Captain of the Knights,

Let me begin by saying this: This letter is my confession.

I had heard of Camelot from my youngest days; of its majesty and power. It was here in this city that I met you. That I came to know you. That I came to care for you. My first confession is of my undying loyalty and love for you. Please believe me when I say that I would gladly lay down my life a thousand times if, just once, it could save yours. I know that you will probably never feel the same about me, but that does not matter. As long as I live, I live to serve you.

You are a guiding light in a world of darkness. The world is darker these days. There are so many secrets; so many lies; so much death. It seems that everyone is out to get you. Even the closest of friends are becoming bitter enemies. I believe it started almost twenty-five years ago, when your father, King Uther Pendragon, tried to purge magic from the land. However, he is not to blame for the current situation. Evil forces have risen up in the void left by the purge. They are poisoning everything, infecting everyone. But you can end it.

I know that one day you will be a great king. You have a kind heart that can empathize with the people. You can rule Camelot like no king before you, or after you, ever could. I know you will bring light back to the lands of Albion.

My second confession, and the one I hope you will not hate me for, is that I am a sorcerer. I was born with incredible powers, able to move things with my mind with barely a thought. When I came to Camelot and I heard about the laws against magic, I was terrified. I didn't want to die. I would have left as soon as I could have, except that I met you that very same day.

You see, Arthur Pendragon, you gave me a purpose in life. Until you, I was wandering. I didn't know what my powers were for; why I had them in the first place. I was weak and hopeless without you. But with you, I am so much more than just myself. I want to protect you. I want to help you. If you would let me, I want to be at your side as you create your own Camelot.

Yes. I am a sorcerer. I know magic. I was born with it and I practice it. I am a traitor for doing so in Camelot, but I feel no guilt about it. If, even once, I can do something good and useful with my gifts, for you, then I don't care if I break every rule in existence. So I'm asking you for forgiveness. I'm sorry for being what I am, but I can't stop being this way any more than you can stop being who you are. And I know you. I wouldn't change you for anything in the world.

I am also a coward. You see, I told you this letter was my confession. I have confessed to my darkest secrets. But you don't know who I am and I won't tell you. If you knew and you did not forgive me, then you would have me killed. I don't want to die. Besides, if I'm dead then I cannot protect you from the next magical creature that attacks Camelot. Gods know you attract danger.

If you knew and you did forgive me, then you would be committing treason against your own father. You love your father and I couldn't bear to cause a rift like that between you. He is already so fragile and you already have so much to deal with. I do not want to add to it.

I am being selfish by admitting this all to you now, but I am dealing with a lot too. Everything used to be so simple – or as simple as could be expected with witches, ogres, faeries, and other people with evil plans to stop. Things are no longer simple. I should not admit these secrets to you, but I cannot hold it in any more. I want you to know who I am. Me. Not how everyone sees me every day, but as myself, for who I am. I cannot have what I want. But in this way, at least I know you know. That eases my conscience and my soul. So, I really do apologize for this letter. It is probably the last thing you want to read right now, but it was the first thing I felt I had to do.

I hope you do not hate me. I hope you can forgive a traitorous warlock. I hope to still be able to help you until the day I die…which I pray will be a long time away.

tbc.

Thank you for reading and please make sure to leave a reply. The second half will be posted in a few days.