A/N: Hey, guys! I'm back with another chapter! I've been haulin' ass trying to get these chapters in on time. I realized that I tend to post chapters consistently, take a HUGE break, then return, rinse, and repeat. That's bad. Now, I've made another goal to be consistent with Destructive Desire. The school year is coming to a close very soon, so I'm trying to be as consistent as possible with this story, since it is a very long one. At least 1-2 chapters a week now, unless something crazy happens. I know, I am the queen of goals for myself. I just like to improve, and make my readers happy. It feels nice to have people read and enjoy what I write. I thought I'd have to turn to writing Twilight threesomes and foursomes, just to get people to read. Guess not. Love you guys! This chapter was inspired by "Born To Lose" by Sleigh Bells. Lyrics (since they are oh-so inspiring):

Heard you say suicide in your sleep
Just get on with it, you were born to lose
Will you hang like the moon from a rope in your room
Oh you long for it, you were born to lose

Where did you go?
(All I know)
Where did you go?
(You can't choose)
Where did you go?
(Here I go. Born to lose.)

Took a shot to the head in the back near the crib
Such a legend now, you were born to lose
Cause I know that the pain keeps you close to the flame
You know everything, you were born to lose

Where did you go?
(All I know)
Where did you go?
(You can't choose)
Where did you go?
(Here I go. Born to lose.)


A/N continued: Optimistic as hell, right? I know, they're so awesome. Perfect for this chapter. Enjoy, guys!


Born To Lose


I must have been worse than I'd thought.

I was feeling crappy, but I didn't think I was crappy enough for my father to notice and make me see a counselor. Apparently, I wasn't messed up enough to get a professional shrink, so I ended having to go to the school shrink during my lunch period every Wednesday.

I didn't hate Miss Barry. I really didn't. Well, at least not after a while. I just didn't trust her counseling skills, since nobody ever wanted her help. Also, she was brand-new, fresh from sunny San Diego, where she could have been, where I could see her modeling or doing something good with her life, rather than attempting to counsel fucked up kids in a high school in Forks, Washington.

I even felt bad for Miss Barry. I felt bad because she had to deal with me ever Wednesday afternoon.

In the beginning, I really did hate her.

I hated how pretty she was. I hated how she did absolutely nothing with her prettiness. Society liked pretty people to absorb and take into their catalyst circle. Pretty, young people had it easiest. I'd been there. Miss Barry was pretty, blonde, and fresh out of college. She could do a trillion different things, but here she was, counseling at a high school.

I hated that she was throwing all her choices away. I'd had enough experience with having everything and making just one decision that ruined it all. And here Miss Barry was, at least four years older than me, doing the same thing. Miss Barry annoyed me more than anything.

I was also jealous of her. Her life couldn't have been perfect - she was a counselor, and counselors had to have something wrong with their lives. It made them seem genuine. Believable. Easy to talk to. Whatever life she had and however she grew up, Miss Barry's life was probably better than mine. Of course it was. That's why I was here, in her pretty, perfect, pink, and purple little room deep in the main office of school. Definitely a nice shift from the other counselors' rooms. The light pinks and purples were relaxing.

Charlie must have been paying extra attention to me, because the week after the one when Edward left was the week that Charlie was absolutely sure that I needed help. That first week of Edward being gone was the hardest. Charlie thought I was depressed, when I really wasn't. At least, not that much. I didn't eat anymore, but I hadn't really eaten much since the summer. I'd been close to blacking out a few times, but I was okay. I was only eighty-six pounds, and apparently that wasn't healthy for a woman that was five foot four, but I'd been that way since last summer and nobody noticed. I didn't look too bad. I was a twig but that was sort of okay.

So why did Charlie decide that now, after Edward was gone, that I should visit a doctor and see a counselor? It didn't make sense. If he really cared he would have done it a while ago. Either way, I still didn't need it.

I took the time to thoroughly play with my food at lunch on Wednesday the thirtieth. I wasn't in a rush to see Miss Barry for the second time. It had been two and a half weeks since Edward left, and my last visit with Miss Barry was horrible. Why would the second time be better?

I knew I had to go some time, though, or Charlie would be angry, so I ended up going to Miss Barry's office a little later than last time.

She was still eating her lunch - a sandwich, banana, and an Arnold Palmer: very typical - when I came into her office. She'd told me that I could eat there, but I didn't eat, so I ignored that proposal.

There was an issue of Vogue lying open next to her lunch. Miss Barry was so into fashion. I started to feel bad. She could have had fashion be a part of her life, but here I was, fucking that up.

"Good afternoon, Bella," Miss Barry greeted me politely. She gently moved her almost finished lunch and magazine to the side.

"Hi, Miss Barry," I said. "Anything you wanted to talk about in particular?"

"Call me Ashlyn," she said, "but I'm glad you asked. Your father told me some things that we could discuss, if you want." I never called her Ashlyn and I never would.

"What did he tell you?"

"He told me about a boy you liked."

I froze.

"Would you like to tell me about him?" Miss Barry asked.

I shook my head.

"Your father told me he was important to you. Maybe it would help if you told me about him. It would certainly help me."

How stupid of her. No, I would not feel better if I talked about it. Was she stupid? Didn't she know anything? Didn't she know who she was dealing with? Didn't she know that you weren't supposed to tell a teenage girl that things would be better if they talked about it. It was all wrong.

I wanted to scream all of this and more to Miss Barry's face, and I felt really tempted to, because there was nobody to control me this time. Nobody to punish me for making them look bad. I was on my own now. I could make my own decisions. I was in control of what I could do now. I probably wouldn't know how to make my own decisions, but I still could. I was a bit please with this.

Yelling at Miss Barry would still be rude, though.

"Well, I did like Edward a lot," I began. "We dated for, like, eight months."

Miss Barry had a please smile on her face. "Now we're getting somewhere, Bella. How much did you like Edward?"

I took some a moment to think about this. "He was the only thing I wanted, or even needed," I said. He told me he loved me, and I believed him for some of the time."

"Did you love him?"

My eyes burned a little at the realization of the truth. "I did," I said. "At least, for a little while, back when everything was okay. I mean, I knew that he did some things only because he loved me, and only because he knew what was right for me. Edward's really smart."

"Why did you two break up?" God, Miss Barry was good at this. She wasn't prying at all.

"He broke up with me," I corrected. "Because he had to move away, I think. I wasn't sure what to believe. It was all just so stupid because we... you know... had sex just the night before he left me."

I was done there. I had said too much. I imagined that if Edward were to hear that, he'd be pissed. Edward wasn't fun when he was pissed.

Forgive me, Edward. I'm sorry for misbehaving. Forgive me.


Miss Barry let me go a little earlier this time. She must have been so excited that we were going somewhere so soon. Optimistic bitch.


I came home to an empty house right on time that afternoon. Maybe this was what made me so lonely. When Edward wasn't around, I was alone and felt terribly incomplete. God, I was so fucked. I had become so dependent on Edward that when he was gone I crashed back down to the earth with nothing to hold on to. I really did need him.

I needed a way to get my mind off of him. He wasn't even here and he continued to control me. I needed an escape. As much as I hoped he would, he would never come back.


The rest of the week went by slowly and never excitingly, just like the previous few weeks. I drearily went through my classes, where I blended in to my desks, and then I drearily went through lunch as well.

On the days of the week that weren't Wednesday, I hid in the bathroom during lunch. I went there so early during the lunch period that the girls I could always hear puking their guts out in the stalls were actually viewable. They spent minutes making themselves throw up, and then they'd leave their bathroom stalls, take one look at my frail body, and whisper, "What's your secret?" I wouldn't say anything in return.

Yes, I was quite the popular girl. My senior year was a hit, so far. I could see myself winning tons of senior awards. Numero-uno Homecoming Queen candidate. I could even see myself winning Prom Queen. Of course. I was hot stuff.

When I would eventually leave the restroom, I'd see Alice, Edward's younger sister who was a junior now, at lunch with her friends and her boyfriend. She and her mother, Esme, were the only Cullens here since Emmett had graduated and Edward had moved. Alice said nothing to me now. We used to be mutual friends. Not great friends, as much as I used to go to her house, but we still said hello every once in a while. Maybe she was just like Edward - all an act in order to make herself look good. Maybe she just didn't enjoy the fact that I was a loner as her social life was raging ever since her older siblings left the picture. I was such a people-person, so social. Of course.

What was even sadder was that I really did use to be popular. Not in Forks. No way. I moved here to get out of the popularity and problems. Phoenix, though, was a different story. I had been a completely different person there. Shit happens, I thought.

Sometimes I saw my old friends at lunch. Jessica and company were always there, their lunch table always too full for me to sit at, but never crowding or overflowing. My cafeteria crowd didn't want or even need me. I wished I could say the same.

Then again, I didn't give them anything, so how could I expect anything back? I'd been born to lose. Story of my life. I'd lost everything once again - love, hope, self respect, friends, family... What was there left of me? I was pretty sure my life was dwindling, anyway. I always felt tired and a little dizzy. I'd end up passing out one of these days. I'd even lost the desire to care. Perfect. Fucking perfect. The only thing I hadn't lost was life itself. I was a loser. Why not kill me already?

I wanted to go out and get high again. Damn, I'd been sober for almost ten months now. Crazy. That was one thing to be proud of myself. I hadn't smoked since November of 2008. It was September of 2009 now. I was on a roll. Maybe one hit wouldn't hurt. It just wouldn't be fun being alone. Edward went back to his father and I had gone back to black. It was a lonely dance to be the star of.


On Saturday, Mike Newton let me go from work at his family's outfitters store early. I must have been so out of it. The store wasn't busy, though, so I didn't feel bad leaving so early.

It was another lonely day. It was still early, only eleven o'clock when I was sitting at home, the television low. I wasn't interested in listening to music at the moment, if at all. My iPod had been deep in a drawer in my bedroom, dead for over two week now. Edward used to have control over that, too, as with everything. He'd scrutinized my taste in music all the time. What crap, he'd said. It wasn't my fault that I'd been so into many different types of music. I'd had a mixed group of friends in Phoenix that introduced me to different music.

Phoenix would have been heaven right now, even for a sinner like me.

I looked out the window of the living room as I became lost in my own thoughts. I was so horrible. It was like I was waiting for Edward, waiting to hear his stupid Volvo pull into my driveway, waiting for him to kiss me again, waiting for him to judge what I wore, waiting for him to make jokes about me. Maybe he was right. Maybe I really was stupid.

It was all my fault. Wasn't everything?


A/N: Oh yes, that chapter had plenty of song references. Plenty of song references, references to Bella's past, and sarcasm. Beautiful. Yes, Bella did have friends in Phoenix. (Anyone that wants to know more should read Blur, the prequel to Destructive Desire - I'll say it's pretty damn good.) Also, an Arnold Palmer is a beverage that is half iced tea and half lemonade. I actually tried one today for the first time. It was delicious. Anyway, the beautiful blue review button is right down there. Don't be lazy - review the chapter! Feedback is the best thing I could receive from you readers that I love so very much.

MusicTwilightLove, out.