A/N: Fabulous Readers,
Destructive Desire is back after a delayed return. With lots of end-of-school crap to do, I barely had the time to even touch chapter 12. I feel like I'm seeping into inconsistency again. Ugh. Well, I'm workin' on it. I'll be haulin' ass all summer long to get somewhere in this fanfic, because this is just the beginning. The song that inspires this chapter is "Find Your Love" by Drake. Think of it in both Bella's AND Jake's perspectives, but mostly Jacob's. I mean, this song is like his anthem. Love this song. Also, some chapters that aren't in Bella's perspective will come up. I promise. Expect an Edward chapter and a Jacob chapter in the future. Now, here is Find Your Love.
Find Your Love
Jacob Black was a good person to be around. He made me laugh. He made me happy. He made me appreciate life so much more.
He also made me forget all the shit that had happened in the past, and he helped me move on. He didn't talk about anything I wasn't comfortable with. He really did care about me.
Jacob was a perpetually nice person. He had a bright, happy aura. I was thankful to have him in my life.
Over the next three weeks, I found out a lot about Jacob. His junior year was going well, he was very mechanical, his twin sisters probably wouldn't be home for Thanksgiving... He had a pretty okay life, which made things even easier.
What positive people say is true: Time flies. Time truly does fly when you're enjoying yourself.
I liked that.
Sometime between the middle of October and the beginning of November, I met Jacob's friends. Jake and Billy had plenty of company over that Friday night.
I was sitting close to Jacob on the couch, talking to him casually, when Quil and Embry approached us. I had met them before. Embry was nice. Quil was a riot.
Jake and I were talking with Quil and Embry for a while when more people around our age came along. Jacob introduced them to me. Sam seemed older than us, but he was nice. Paul tall, lean, and a little condescending and teasing. Jared had a cute smile and personality. Seth was younger than the rest of us, about fifteen years old. He reminded me of Jacob, a little bit. He had a sunny personality and a nice smile. And then there was Leah, who every boy there seemed to orbit around. I didn't blame them; she was really pretty.
We were all hanging out and eating food (yes, I had started eating again, after a bit of encouragement from Jacob) when Paul suggested we all go down to the beach. It didn't sound like a bad idea. The adults didn't mind.
"I call shotgun," I said as we all retreated to our vehicles. Not all of us even had a car (or a motorcycle, in Paul and Leah's cases), so some people had to ride with others.
Quil and Embry went with Jacob and I. Jake's Volkswagen Rabbit was finished, and Jake was proud of himself. It was cute.
For the whole five minute drive to First Beach, Quil, Embry, Jacob, and I joked around. Somewhere in the middle, Quil scoffed and said, "Jesus, Jake, could you take your eyes off of Bella for one minute? We're gonna crash."
I blushed. Jacob told Quil to shut up. This wasn't the first time Quil had said something like this. He'd been messing with us for a while now.
Everybody met at a certain spot at the beach where I'd been with Jacob before. There were even more people. Jared's girlfriend, Kim, and Sam's girlfriend, Emily, were there, greeting everyone.
It felt nice to act like my own age again. I felt comfortable here with Jacob and his friends. They'd obviously all been around each other for a long time, but I didn't really feel excluded. They didn't push me out.
Someone had brought a stereo with them and later everyone was dancing, except Jacob and I.
Jacob held my hand like he always did (and like how I always let him). "Would you like to dance with me?" he asked.
"You know, I'm not much of a dancer," I said half-heartedly. "Like, I suck."
"Nobody here can dance, either." Jake gestured to Quil, Jared, and Paul, who were attempting to break-dance and were failing miserably. I giggled. Jake grinned. "Wanna take a chance?" he asked.
The song changed to a familiar, pop, slow song. I nodded, and then I let him pull me in closer. I put my arms around Jacob's neck as he twirled me in a lopsided circle in the sand, his hands between my waist and my hips. Jacob was so warm, so comfortable, so beautiful. I leaned my head against his chest as he held me close. I was happy. I was warm. I was alive. Was this a dream? Our dance had me under a spell, and I didn't mind.
The song seemed to have went quicker than I thought. When it was over, Jacob bent smiled. "Thanks, Bells," he murmured.
I smiled back and nodded. "Thanks, Jake," I whispered.
We danced to one more song in front of the bright flames of the bonfire.
"How are you, Bella?" Miss Barry asked in the middle of one of our counseling sessions Wednesday afternoon. "Feeling better?"
"Well, I haven't been hospitalized lately," I half-heartedly joked.
"That's great." Miss Barry smiled. "You look better already."
"Yeah, I've been eating a lot more, I think." And I had. Jacob had taught me what a "healthy diet" was. I felt like laughing. "I even feel better," I added.
Jacob must have been doing wonders. I was actually talking. I felt proud of myself. I felt stronger for overcoming the damage, because Jacob hadn't done this alone. Miss Barry had even helped. Kind of.
"Bella, that's so good!" Miss Barry said happily. "So, overall, how would you describe your mood?" She had her familiar pink clipboard and pink pen out. She must have been documenting everything.
I took a deep breath. "Happy."
"That's fantastic, Bella. I am so proud of you." Miss Barry smiled like a proud mother. She glanced at her clock. "Darn, we ran out of time." She stood up and hugged me. "You've come so far, dear."
"Thank you, Miss Barry," I said. "So much."
"No, thank you, Bella. I'll see you later, okay?"
I let go, waved goodbye, and left her office. Maybe that was enough to get me out of counseling. Maybe not.
I decided to catch up with my cafeteria crowd at lunch the next day. The thought made me a little nervous, but I thought, What the hell?
They were so tightly knit together - their table was full but not crowded, like always. I spotted an empty seat, all the way at the end of the table between Mike Newton and Angela Weber.
Damn, it had been a while since I'd really paid attention to Mike. Why hadn't I noticed at work how much older he looked? I smiled politely when he noticed I'd sat down next to him.
Everybody at the table - besides that fucking Lauren Mallory that never stopped talking and her best skank forever Jessica Stanley - turned quieter.
"Hey, guys," I said.
A few mumbled, "Hey, Bella" greetings went around. Angela Weber, who sat on my left looked happy to see me, though. Angela was a sincere, sweet person. Always forgiving. "Hi, Bella," she said with a warm smile. "How are you?"
"I'm feeling good, Angela, thanks," I said. "You?"
I turned back to Mike and tried to act casually. "Hey, Mike," I said.
Mike barely looked at me in the eyes. God. He used to like me. What had happened? I mean, okay, I was sort of rising from the dead, but maybe Lauren and Jessica had gotten to him. Or maybe he was just ignoring me because I'd done the same. An eye for an eye. Ugh. If everyone went by that phrase we'd all be blind. But, taking a chance (since I'd been doing that a lot recently), I asked Mike, "Are you free not this weekend, but the weekend after? The weekend after Halloween?"
That caught his attention. He finally looked up at me. His blue eyes were hopeful. "No, I'm not doing anything, really, just going to a party." A party. Wow. People threw parties in Forks?
"Cool, whose party is it?" I asked.
He ran a hand through his hair. "Just some girl in our grade from down the street."
There was an awkward pause. "Hey, you don't mind if I invite a friend of mine from La Push, do you? And a couple of his friends?"
"Who, that guy you're always leaving work with? Isn't he, like, sixteen?"
The words Jealous Asshole could have been written on his forehead. "That's the guy, and yeah, he and his friends are all sixteen and seventeen."
"How many are you inviting?"
"As many that want to come."
That shut Mike up. "Okay," he said.
After more silence (with the chattering of Jessica and Lauren, of course), Angela smiled genuinely at me and said, "I'm so glad you're back, Bella."
"Me, too," Ben Cheney, Angela's boyfriend, added.
God, if Jake and his pals couldn't show up, I'd drink myself into a coma.
I plopped down on the couch next to Jacob the next day, after school, with a bowl of popcorn.
"We need something to do," I sighed.
Jacob set down the remote control after starting up the movie we were about to watch. It was Halloween and we would be watching Scream first.
"Are we not doing anything now?" Jake asked.
"We could do more than just watch movies," I suggested. It came out funny, almost seductive.
"Sure, we could always freeload at Quil's place," he joked. "Though I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want to. He's probably always stuck in his room watching porn or something."
I snickered. God, Jake never held back, and I loved that about him. I hadn't meant to love Jacob like this, but here I was.
"Not surprising," I agreed, giggling. "But I'm serious. Someone at my school's throwing a party next week, and I don't really wanna go, but I said I would. You should go with me. Then I'll survive. Will you go with me, Jacob?"
"Aww, you're asking me out on a date," he teased.
I hit him playfully in the arm. "Shut up! And I'm not asking - I'm demanding that you attend the party with me, whether you like it or not. You'll have to be my hooker for the night. No payment, though."
Jacob laughed. "Oh, wow," he said. "Fine, I'll go with you. Now, where's the token of your gratitude?"
I smiled and leaned over Jacob to kiss him on the cheek. His skin was incredibly soft on my lips. "Mwah!" I exclaimed after the drawn-out humming. "Thank you, Jake," I said.
"No problem," he replied. "You don't mind if I bring a few of my friends, right?"
"Nah, I don't mind. It'll be a party for sure."
I felt sexy as I got dressed on the night of the party. It had been a long time - way too long - since I'd last felt like this. This was strange and different, but I liked it.
It took me a while to get dressed, but I was happy with my overall look. I looked good in my low-cut, sheer, lace black top. It looked good with my studded leather jacket, dark jeans, and wedged boots.
I was glad I hadn't forgotten to apply makeup - I hadn't used much of it in a long time. The worst part was that I had a shitload of it. I could have a lot of fun. Bold red lip, liquid eyeliner... not too much.
Yeah, I was a sexy bitch.
Jacob would be picking me up from my house so we could go the party together, and as I waited for him downstairs, Charlie, who was sitting in the living room, asked me what I was so dressed up for.
"I'm going out," I said excitedly.
"Oh, yeah, Billy told me. You're going to a party with Jake, right?" He was still focused on the television.
"Right," I said.
I heard Jacob's Rabbit pull into the driveway. I got up. "Bye, Charlie," I called to my father.
"Bye, Bella," he said. "Be safe. See you later."
Jacob was making his way up the driveway when I came out of the house.
"What happened to your hair?" I asked him. His long, dark hair was now chopped into a really short cut.
"Paul and Jared. That's what happened," Jacob snorted. "They thought they'd hurt my feelings if they cut my hair."
"Ha. Right. Are they still going?"
"Yeah, everyone's going except Quil. He got grounded."
"Wow," I said.
"Well, my hooker, you look very nice, anyway," I told him. In fact, he looked fucking gorgeous. Dressed simply in a white button-down, black tie, and dark pants, he looked really great.
"And you, Bella, look beautiful," he complimented me.
I smiled. "Thanks. Let's go."
Before we got in the car, I hugged him. It was a nice, warm, tight embrace. Just how I liked it.
Jacob played my favorite radio station once we were in the car. It wasn't too loud, just low enough for us to talk, too.
"Who's gonna be there?" Jake asked casually.
"Just a bunch of boring seniors. You wouldn't be interested. I'm glad you're bringing your friends along."
"Hey, not all of the seniors are boring," he contradicted. "I've been seeing out with one for a while. She's pretty. You'd be jealous."
"Sounds like a bitch," I said, going along with his joke. "You're lucky you have me."
"Lucky? Sounds more like a tragedy."
I laughed. "Shut up."
The party wasn't too far from where I lived, just a few minutes away. It seemed to have been going on for a while when Jacob and I arrived. It was nine-thirty.
Mike was one of the first people to see me at the party, and he walked over to me the second he saw me. He tried to hug me, even as I was holding Jacob's hand. I awkwardly side-hugged him. He just didn't know when to stop, did he?
Thankfully, I was saved by my knight in a dress-up shirt when Jacob said, "Hey, I think Embry's here."
"Yeah, let's go," I agreed. I turned to Mike. "See you around, Mike."
Once Jacob and I were far enough away from Mike, Jake said, "What a freak. And you see him everyday?"
I grimaced. "Pretty much, yes."
He gave my hand a squeeze, and then smiled. "Come on, enjoy yourself. Live a little."
I sighed and then gave up, relaxing. It was too hard to sulk with Jacob around. "Fine."
The party wasn't a bad party - just boring. I hung out with Jacob, Paul, Jared, Embry, and Leah the entire time. Everything was okay until two guys got into a fight. They'd obviously been drinking too much. (I was surprised that I didn't have even a sip of alcohol that night.) I didn't know the guys.
Other than that, the party wasn't that wild at all. People didn't know how to do party right in this town. The music wasn't that bad, though. Hell, it was great. Old hits, new hits... Perfect. I danced with Jacob a few times.
After finishing a quicker song, I stood on the tips of my toes to ask Jacob, "Wanna get out of here?" in his ear. The music was that loud.
Jacob and I found one quiet, empty part of the house: the swing on the porch outside.
As we slowly swung as we sat on it, Jake's arm around me, I looked up at the night sky. It was really cloudy. I couldn't see the moon or the stars.
"They're always gone," I murmured.
"What are?" Jacob was looking in the same direction as me.
"The stars and the moon."
"Just because you can't see them," he mused, "doesn't mean they're not there."
We swung a bit more. I remembered a few weeks ago. I remembered when I wasn't interested in having anything with Jacob, or with anyone. I remembered pushing him away, locking him out, and keeping everything in. He hadn't come on to me then, didn't dare try to hold my hand. He knew I wouldn't like it. I hadn't wanted anything from Jacob, or anybody. I'd wanted to recover. I hadn't wanted him to help me, though I knew he could. Now here I was, okay with Jacob's gestures. I was okay, myself. I accepted him now. I had learned to love again. I'd found it again, with Jacob.
I wanted to love Jacob as more than a friend, and in a way, I did. I loved Jacob - a lot. I'd do anything for him, and I knew he would do the same for me. I didn't have to worry about him not supporting me, or not being good to me. I knew he would. He'd already proven that, and he continued to. Jacob could be mine. I could be his. We could be more than just friends. I wasn't afraid of heartbreak anymore.
I looked at Jacob, and saw the blatant truth: he was handsome. He'd always been handsome, but right here and right now I noticed the golden flecks in his dark brown eyes. I noticed the stories that his eyes could tell and conceal. There was something about him, I could see it, that made me love him even more.
"Yes?" I mumbled.
"You like me, right?"
I nodded. "I really do."
"More than that blond asswipe in the house, right?"
"A lot more."
"And that's it." It wasn't a question. He sounded almost disappointed.
"You know I like you more than that, Jake."
He didn't reply.
"Don't act like I don't," I added.
We were silent for a while.
"Bella," he said, "I'm in love with you. I just wanna know how feel about me."
My heartbeat sped. He was serious.
"Jake," I began, "I really, really love you." I was perfectly honest. I did love him. I was even in love with him.
I nodded. "Yes, really. I'm in love with you, Jacob."
"Love you, Bella."
Then he put his hand on my cheek and put his lips to mine. And as he kissed me, anything bad that had happened before was irrelevant. It was a funny thing about how some kisses could be so powerful. That kiss between Jacob and I changed everything.
Every. Fucking. Thing.
When he stopped, trailing off so sexily I could have caught on fire, I threw my arm around his neck and kissed him back, slowly and sensually, exploring him. I didn't feel the coolness of the early November air, just the warmth of Jacob. I also liked his manly, woodsy scent. Everything about Jacob was alluring and delicious.
"You're the best, honey," he murmured when I was done kissing him back. He kissed me on the forehead and then hugged me.
"I love you, Jacob," I whispered. "I always will."
A/N: No, this is not an all Bella/Jacob (because I'd crack up like an immature little boy at the phrase "B/J") fanfic. If it was, I would have changed it. It's mainly Bella/Edward, but you had best believe that Bella's gonna get close to Jakey. :3 Anyway, thank you so much to those that have reviewed. I really, really like what you guys have to say. I love when you guys have questions, too. Active readers are the best readers.
Also, this chapter was going to go on for longer but I found it already lengthy, and besides... Mean Girls is on TV and I have to watch it.
Thank you! Now click that review button. Don't be lazy. I need those reviews, guys.