Disclaimer: The Inheritance Cycle does not belong to me, fortunately.
Author's Note: This is just a silly crack!fic that I whipped up while feeling bored and random this afternoon. It's pure nonsense and fluff but hopefully entertaining. Any genuine feedback would be greatly appreciated!
People were bored.
End of story.
That was all there was too it.
Christopher Paolini had to have died in a car crash or something, because the long-awaited Book IV hadn't come yet and various characters of the Inheritance Cycle didn't know what to do with their time.
So it was that Lady Nasuada, leader of the Varden, found herself hiking through Alagaësia now commonly known by good and evil alike as the Realm of Madness. Eventually, she stumbled upon her vassal Eragon Shadeslayer. The Dragon Rider was slouched on a bean bag in the middle of the Hadarac Desert with two pretty black women fanning him.
A sleek black flat screen TV sat on a small table in front of him powered by magic while he watched a little too eagerly for her liking. Glancing warily at the screen, Nasuada watched sceptically as a weird-looking circular disk with some strange kind of tail floated through the stars and the planets.
A deep voice boomed out... These are the voyages!
"Go T-Poll! Go T-Poll! Go To-Poll!" Eragon chanted with a crazy glint in his eyes.
Nasuada shuddered in fear.
"Um, Eragon?" She asked warily.
"Yeah?" He replied distractedly.
"Who's T-Poll?" Nasuada asked.
"Oh, her!" Eragon sighed dreamily. "She's a really hot Vulcan chick from Star Trek: Enterprise that's a part of this snazzy spaceship crew. Don't worry, it's just science fiction."
Nasuada's eyes were as large as saucers as the TV played while Eragon disturbingly copied every single thing the people said word for word.
Okay, Nasuada thought in panic. Next!
Taking a deep breath, she hastened away from the Star Trek Junkie only to crash into a building. Winded, she glanced upwards and shook her head squinting as she saw a weirdly-shaped yellow sign.
"Mc...Donalds?" She read in confusion.
Hi Nassy! A voice said in her head.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Nasuada shrieked, jumping a foot in the air.
It was only then that she saw a great blue dragon – Saphira Brightscales – standing beside the building, with a toothy grin of amusement. A huge pile of round sandwiches with round meat and salad in between rose in a massive pile in front of her.
"What is going on, Saphira?" Nasuada asked fearfully.
Was the world coming to an end?
Saphira just shrugged.
Don't worry, She said cheekily. These are just Cheese Burgers from McDonalds. You gotta love it!
Nasuada took a wary step back. Was everyone insane?
Want one? Saphira offered, nudging one towards her with her snout.
That was it!
"No thanks!" Nasuada yelped and scrambled away from the strange-looking buildings.
Never mind! Saphira smirked. More for me!
Panting for breath, Nasuada skidded to a halt crashing into a giant wooden stage with walls all around it save for the front, flashing lights and a number of strange musical instruments on it. A few depressed-looking guys in black clothes sat behind various instruments.
But most surprising of all was to see Murtagh himself stand in the centre of the stage singing horribly off-key into some sort of tube with a round end. Nasuada winced as hundreds of screams filled the air from a throng of crazed fan-girls standing behind her and watching Murtagh.
"What the hell is going on here, Murtagh?" Nasuada demanded.
Murtagh just paused and smirked, making Nasuada struggle not to swoon.
"Welcome to my emo band, Nassy!" He said, flinging his hands wide.
"Don't call me Nassy!" Nasuada snapped. "Wait...what's an emo band?"
But it was too late for Murtagh went back to singing while the band played some creepy music causing the crazy fan-girls to scream all the louder.
Darn it! Nasuada fumed, and hurried away from the stage only to crash into a gigantic oak tree.
"Shit!" Nasuada cursed, standing up and glancing about quickly for whoever planted the stupid tree in the middle of the road.
To her surprise, Arya stood next to it in flashy green leathers holding a sign in her hand that said something extremely dorky like 'Save the Trees'. Nasuada stared gobsmacked as she noticed a huge crowd of other elves standing behind Arya all dressed in green.
They all clutched signs that said weird things like 'Tree Lovers Unite' and 'Trees Are the Future'. They were shouting these slogans too like some sort of protest rally. Nasuada began to get worried when a bunch of Empire crowd control dudes ran up to the protesters, holding spears at the ready.
"What in damnation do you think you're doing, Arya?" Nasuada shouted above the roar of the crowd.
"Save the trees, Nassy!" Arya cried out dramatically. "The trees were murdered and we must avenge their deaths! Don't go to the dark side, Nassy! Save the trees!"
"ARG!" Nasuada fumed, pulling out her hair. "WHY. IS. EVERYONE. CALLING. ME. NASSY?"
"Because it looks cute," A voice said from behind.
Nasuada spun around only to find herself face to face with Angela who was dressed in some peculiar looking formal clothes leading her own group of people. Unbeknownst to her, they were all tourists from our world carrying video cameras and coke cans.
"And what are you doing, Angela?" Nasuada sighed.
"You mean you haven't met my tour group yet?" Angela gasped, and Nasuada grimaced when Angela began sobbing.
"You offended our tour guide!" The tourists screamed. "After her!"
"Yikes!" Nasuada gulped, and ran before the enraged crowd caught her.
Finally, she ducked into a back alley and cackled in glee as the stupid crowd ran past her.
Alone at last! Nasuada thought, a wave of relief washing over her. Now to figure out why everyone's gone mad!
But poor old Nassy never got the chance to figure it out, because she passed out due to a mysteriously unbreakable glass war-hammer knocking her out cold.
"And that, my friends, is why this hammer is so awesome!" Roran announced to his own crowd of press and salesmen who gasped in awe and wonder.
"I want one!" They all chorused and Roran smirked as the dollar bills came flying.
"So now you, dear reader, see why this is called the Realm of Madness," Roran explained smugly as he collected the money and distributed the hammers. "Welcome to Alagaësia everybody!"
A/N: So as you saw, that was just a kind of silly thing just for fun with no real purpose. Like it? Love it? Hate it? Click on that little review button and leave a comment so that I can back this fanfic better yet!