Itachi and the Dango Stick.
Sorry for taking so long to update my other stories. This is an apology, kinda, hope you love it! I'll update my other stories as soon as I can. Back to school. My class has the worse schedule in our grade's history. Ever.
HimekoUchia: Credit to 97chaoscat for this awesome idea once again. This is dedicated to you, for your genius, and to all those who enjoyed reading 'Hinata and the Orange Juice'. This isn't exactly a sequel of that story, but I suggest you read it before this one anyway or you won't get some of the jokes.
Itachi: I have a bad feeling about this story...
HimekoUchia: *innocent puppy eyes Why do you think that? Nothing bad is going to happen to you... for now...
HimekoUchia: Nothing. I do not own Naruto blah blah blah blah Deidara.
HimekoUchia: Nothing, now shut up you guys and on with the story sheesh! If I had any warnings... Hidan's language and my mind... Stay away haters. I like awkward gay moments. There will be no pairings or love or anything, but random moments... hell yes.
One bright and sunny day at the Akatsuki base, everything was dark and damp 'cause, well, they're in a cave a couple dozen meters underground so UV rays don't reach them. And you wonder why most of the Akatsuki are so darn pale. It's not Deidara's 'explosive' cooking... most of the time.
A small white package was delivered to Sasori, courtesy of Zetsu who was their very own messenger.
"Ah. The new powder I ordered to be stolen from Konoha's black market." The redhead cracked one of his rare smiles, and tipped the box over to read the fine print on the bottom. "Effects may vary for each individual, depending on their state of mind. Side effects may include delusions, blurred vision, lack of and/or absence of self control, memory loss, diarrhea and itching."
The puppet master's eyes glinted evilly.
"Perfect. Now, all I have to do is load Hiruko's tail blade with this and-..."
He was rudely interrupted by a blue person who looked as if he had ran a marathon.
"Sasori-san!" coughed out Kisame. "I'm bored as heck, and Itachi-san's seriousness is so frustrating! I was wondering if you had any, I don't know, illegal drugs that might help him loosen up just a little? Nothing deadly though, or Leader-sama will rinnengan my ass."
The puppet master blinked his wooden eyelids once, and looked down at the box in his hands. Well... looks like he had found a test subject.
"I've got just what you need, Kisame-san." he announced calmly, walking towards the shark hybrid.
"Thanks. What's the catch?" When dealing with Sasori, there was always a catch.
"I want to witness the effects of this drug for an experiment."
Kisame looked suspicious for a second.
"Whoah, wait... you're testing this on my teammate? You have no idea what might happen at all? If he might turn green and throw up on the floor? And if he gets so bedridden Leader-sama will have to promote Tobi to fill in his spot? 'Cause Tobi is... cool and all but Itachi is simply... so cool he could freeze my aquarium by looking at it. Is that what you're saying? "
"Oh. OK then."
Kisame had found the best plan ever.
He had bought/stole from a famous dessert shop in Konoha one of his partner's favorite foods of all time: dangos. The top rice ball was pink and stuffed with carrot shreds, the middle one was made of grass and filled with red bean and the bottom one was white and full of peanut butter. The blue man was never really fond of these things himself, but he had to admit that the shop was Itachi's favorite for an obvious reason: these dangos were addictive. He had to remind himself of his plan to keep from eating all of them.
Sasori curiously examined Kisame the whole time he was unwrapping the desserts, wetting them, rolled them in a little unnamed drug and added a coat of rice flour to mask any taste it would have undetectable.
"Kisame-san... Were you once a chef? The way you handle the dangos is... professional." calmly stated the puppet master, making the other man grin in pride.
"Well... Yah know... There are many things you don't know about me. Who knows what I used to do in my Kirigakure days before I tried to overthrow the Mizukage?"
"True." replied the redhead. "For all I know, you could have been a... sculptor."
The shark hybrid laughed out loud.
"A sculptor? Who do you think I am?"
Sasori looked back at him, perplexed. He thought that being a ninja sculptor was more likely than being a ninja dessert chef. Figures.
"I'm afraid to ask... What the hell are you two doing, hm?"
Kisame and Sasori spun around to face Deidara, who was staring at the two men in front of his with a strange expression, his eyes darting from them, to the dangos, to the powder, then back at them.
"None of your business, brat." spoke Sasori monotonously, earning a scowl from his partner.
The blond pointed a finger at the puppet master.
"Listen, Sasori-no-danna! Get that stick out of your wooden ass, hm! You are as rude as f-..."
"Mind your language, brat." sneered Sasori, pretending to not notice the bomber twitching furiously.
"SHUT UP, HM!" hollered Deidara, putting a hand in his pocket to retrieve a piece of clay.
Kisame jumped in between the two, hoping they wouldn't start trying to kill him too. He was sure he could handle Deidara or Sasori, but probably not both.
"Hey! Now is not the moment to kill each other. Remember the plan, Sasori-san?"
This got the blond's attention away from the battle he was about to engage in.
"What plan, hm?"
"Well... You see..." Kisame rubbed the back of his next sheepishly. "I was gonna drug Itachi-san's dangos so that he could loosen up a bit... And so that we could see what he is like underneath his coolness."
Deidara looked thoughtful.
"Ah... Yes, it would be interesting to see the person underneath those immensely good looks. To see an Uchiha act reckless..." He grinned. "I want in, hm! A chance to blackmail that non-artful sharingan user should never be passed up, hm!"
Kisame glanced at Sasori, who shrugged. The blue man then turned back to the youngest person in the room.
"Fine. Just keep your mouth shut about this."
Kisame shushed Sasori and Deidara, who was holding a camera and had a huge grin etched on his face, behind a wall in the kitchen. He conveniently turned Itachi's chair away from them so that, unless he had his sharingan on, he wouldn't be able to see them, but they could see him.
Just then, the door creaked open.
"So that asshole thought that he could shit with me, but really he..." Hidan stopped talking to Kakuzu when he spotted the trio frozen in shock. "Well, what the fuck do we have here? Havin' a threesome gentlemen?" He smirked.
Kakuzu spotted the dangos set out on the table and made a move to take one.
Kisame slapped his hand away.
"NO! They're drugged and for Itachi-san!"
When the two newcomers widened their eyes in shock, the blue man decided to enlighten them on his nifty little plan.
"Whoah..." gasped Hidan. "Hardcore! That's some sick shit you've got planned... We're in!"
Kakuzu glanced sideways at him and sighed. This could only end very well, or terribly. Glancing at Deidara's camera, he figured that he could get quite some cash on e-bay for selling a video of a crazy Itachi.
With that thought in mind, he swallowed his pride and squeezed in behind the wall with the three other grown men to take part in their... harmless prank.
Kisame straightened his cloak nervously just as a familiar, elegant knock sounded. Itachi's signature knock.
He opened the door for him and let his partner in.
The handsome Uchiha walked across the floor and sat down at the table.
Kisame eyed him and took a seat in front of him. From the corner of his eye, he saw the four men in hiding tensing up.
Itachi cleared his throat.
"So... Is there a reason you asked me to come here?" he asked, his face not betraying any suspicion.
The blue man nodded.
"Um... I got these dangos for you. I know you like this stuff so... Here."
He pushed the plate towards Itachi, who looked down at it then back up at his companion.
"That's kind of you." He reached for a stick of dango then, when it was halfway to his mouth, he stopped. Everybody else in the room sweat dropped. "Wait a second. We're in this room. Alone... You got me one of my favorite desserts... You're sitting there just staring at me intensely... Kisame-san... Is there somethingyou would like to tell me?"
'Oh shit.' thought Kisame. 'He's onto something! He knows that I'm hiding something! Darn his intelligence! He must suspect that there is something wrong with the dangos..."
Itachi took a huge bite of dango, immensely confusing Kisame.
"Look, I don't really mind if you... bat for the other team. It doesn't gross me out if you have feelings for me, but I really don't have time to date. Don't get me wrong, you are probably the only person that I trust here, but I'm really focused on making sure that I get my final battle with Sasuke-kun and..."
He froze in shock when he heard four people burst out laughing. It obviously wasn't Kisame, since the blue man was banging his head on the table.
Then, the Uchiha felt the world tilt sunny side up.
He looked at Kisame, who looked up back at him, trying to compose his face. Itachi grinned. Kisame screamed in terror and tried to escape. Too late.
The normally stoic Uchiha wrapped his arms around Kisame and started shaking him around like a rag doll.
"Ahahahahahahaha! I LOVE YOU!" he squealed like an electronic toy, before dropping the taller man on his rear, officially making poor Kisame lose every ounce of dignity he still possessed.
Itachi then ran up to the four hiding men and pulled Sasori out and hugged him too.
"I love you! I love redheads! WOOHOO! I love dangos!"
Itachi ruffled the puppet master's hair. The man was completely rooted to spot in horror, his wooden teeth clicking together eerily.
"I LOVE YOU ALL!" shouted Itachi, then he turned on his feet and skipped out of the room. Hidan, Kakuzu and Deidara were pissing their pants in laughter, especially the blond man who had caught everything on tape, including Kisame and Itachi's misunderstanding and all the love sharing.
After a few seconds to pull themselves together, the five Akatsuki members ran after Itachi, marveling at the magic of drugged up dangos.
They follow Itachi around the base as he screamed his love to a door, a lamp, a puppet, a scythe, a pile of clay, a cactus, a paper flower, a dirty cloak, someone's left sock, an explosive tag, a rice patty hat, blue nail polish, a pencil, an empty bird cage, a nail file, a pair of slippers, a couch, a pillow, a painting of a naked woman, a painting of a naked man, a box of tissue, a toaster, a candle, a sandwich and a bunch of other inanimate objects around the base.
For the first time in a heck load of time, the Akatsuki were having a lot of fun. Nothing could possibly go wrong!
"Deidara-sempai! Deidara-semp-..." Tobi/Madara dropped his 'good boy' act once he realized that no one was in the room. "Urgh. Where did that dumbass go? And why did he need to trash my room to borrow my video camera? He could have asked. I would have said yes. Because, after all, Tobi is such a good boy..." The mad laughed manically then noticed a half eaten dango on a plate sitting right atop the kitchen table. "Ooh! Tobi loves dangos!"
The man checked over his shoulder before quickly removing his mask and stuffing the rest of the dessert into his mouth.
"Dude... How long is he gonna last, hm?" grunted Deidara, his arms starting to ache from holding the camera for so long. This wasn't good. His arms were so precious to him.
But still... he couldn't bear miss a second of this spectacle. It was too hilarious.
"Itachi-san has a pretty good stamina to start with, so imagine him high too..." he replied, chuckling in amusement when the Uchiha professed his everlasting love to half empty bottle of sake. "Wow, this drug is cool. I wonder if the effects vary from person to person? It would be interesting to know how each person reacts-..."
The blue man was interrupted by the arrival of Tobi.
Everyone in the room, even Itachi, stopped whatever they were doing to stare at the man. Something about him was different...
The orange swirly mask twitched silently from side to side, all that was heard coming from the small hole was labored breathing. Another strange thing was that his arms were shaking, from shoulder to fingers, fingers that were tightly clenched around a scythe.
"HEY! You punk! That's my scythe!" whined Hidan, taking a step forward.
At this moment, everyone expected Tobi to break down crying and apologize. They did not expect the man to start muttering something intelligible under his breath.
"What? What was that?" asked Kakuzu.
The muttering got louder until Tobi was hollering at the top of his lungs.
"KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! AHAHAHAHAH! One by one! Kill! YOU MISERABLE ASSCRACKS SHALL ALL DIE!"
Everybody gasped, not because good boy Tobi said something mean, but because he started savagely swinging the scythe in circles, knocking Konan's favorite vase of the table.
The shattering rang out clearly in the entire base.
"Uh oh. Tobi in trouble now." he muttered, dumping the scythe on the ground. He stared at it awkwardly for a few seconds, then suddenly launched himself at the closest person he could reach.
This person was Sasori.
My, my, this just isn't poor Sasori's day, isn't it?
Tobi tried to strangle the puppeteer to death, but failed because the man didn't even need to breath. The furious redhead grabbed the other man and threw him against a wall.
All the Akatsuki members backed up in fear when Tobi started chuckling, standing up shakily.
Just when he was about to bend over to pick up a shard of glass from the vase, he suddenly made a squeaking noise and dropped like a sack of potatoes.
Everybody stared confused.
Kisame cautiously went up to the man and prodded him with a toe to make sure he was really out cold. He was.
"Well... I guess we now know how the drug's side effects affect Tobi." He sighed.
Itachi laughed cryptically, and walked up to the passed out Akatsuki.
"I love it when this guy isn't talking!" he chanted. "I love this wall! I love these rocks."
The Uchiha started poking the smooth bricks that the corridors were made of.
"OH MY GOSH! They're so... shiny and soft... Wall... May I kiss you?" Four seconds passed in silence. "WOOHOO!"
Deidara made sure to film every second of Itachi giving the wall a huge smooch.
"Ooooooowwwwww, Tobi's head hurts." came a whine from the swirly orange mask.
Everybody jumped backwards.
"Holy motherfucking shit! He's awake already?" cried Hidan, picking up his scythe and pointing it menacingly towards the man.
Just when things couldn't get any worse, they did.
Konan and Pein walked in.
Everybody froze as their superiors entered the room.
Hidan, still aiming a weapon to Tobi who was halfway off the floor. Deidara holding up his camera. Kisame trying to pull Itachi's face off the wall. Kakuzu, wide eyed, as he tried to calculate the profit of the video. Sasori staying the heck out of the way because he was sick of being touched by all these freaks.
"I would say that I don't want to know, but I actually do. What is happening here?" said Pein, in his monotonous voice. Most people would find that creepy, but the Akatsuki knew that it meant sure rinnengan death if they didn't answer.
Everybody else exchanged a look, then Sasori got shoved forward.
"You fu-... Um." The puppet faked clearing his throat and looked at his boss. "I received a new poison that needed testing. It wasn't lethal, so Kisame-san offered to let me-..."
"AAAAAAAAAHHH!" suddenly shrieked Konan, grabbing the front of the shark man's shirt and glared at him. On the bright side, Itachi finally let the wall go with a horrified gasp. "Which one of you no idiots broke my favorite vase? Tell me or I WILL KILL YOU ALL! Or, um... I'll ask Pein to kill you all since I... like, don't have the rinnengan."
After a couple seconds of silence Tobi/Madara raised his hand.
"My bad." He shrugged. "In my defense, I was drugged, so I cannot be expected to take responsibilities of my actions. That's all I wanted to say."
Before Konan could kick his butt, Itachi kicked Kisame's butt.
"You... I thought we were partners! How could you drug me?" Looks like the effect lasts longer on him that on Tobi.
He looked around the room and saw Deidara trying to back out of the room unnoticed. He walked up to Pein.
"Pein-sama, this whole thing was filmed by Deidara-san, so if you could... dispose of it immediately before it gets release or sold online."
Pein nodded and grabbed the camera out of the blond's hands, then exited the room.
"Come on, Konan. I'll get you a new vase."
The blue haired woman huffed, glared at Tobi and followed her long time friend out.
Once locked inside their high security room, Pein and Konan exchanged a glance and pressed play on the camera.
A few minutes later, the two adults were laughing. Pein held onto a table firmly to avoid dropping to the floor, like Konan did. When the video finished playing, they cleared an throats and looked at each other.
Pein didn't know how to erase the video so he decided to smash the camera instead.
"Don't worry. Zetsu-san recorded the whole thing under my orders, so we'll always have a copy in case we get bored. Good thing they were making so much noise, or he would have missed them. So... Should I fire some of them for doing that?"
Konan shook her head.
"Nah. Keep them. It's interesting to have them around sometimes. Or this place would be kind of dull."
"NNNOOOOOOOOOO!" groaned Deidara, punching a wall. "That video was epic, hm!"
"I know! And worth so much money too!" added Kakuzu.
"You thought that I would just let you ruin my Uchiha honor, huh?" Itachi death glared at them then turned to Kisame. "You too. I wouldn't have expected such things from you."
"I'm sorry, Itachi-san! I was just so bored..." mumbled the shark man guiltily.
Sasori sighed and mentally shivered at the memory of being hugged and touched.
"I am never using that drug ever again."
"Aw, pity. That was pretty fucking hilarious while it lasted!" laughed Hidan.
Surprisingly, a fight didn't break out. While all the men were civilly arguing about what had just happened, Tobi curled up in a corner of the room and slumped to the floor.
"That was my camera..."
Weeeeell took me long enough to write this!
Hope you loved it!
Whatever you do, don't leave a review (reverse psychology)!
I will update 'And Now I'm Stuck Here With You' once I finish editing it (spell check and stuff)! And 'The Battle Plan's' next chapter is currently being written!
Peace, Love and don't do drugs, children!