A/N: My first yaoi pairing by request of an awesome, amazing friend who is also my wife(did I get it all?). This chapter issss….humor with a dash of romance. Now this is my first yaoi pairing where there's actually no OCs. So go easy on me…
What would you do if I…?
Kakuzu has a problem. A rather big and obnoxious problem. A problem that would only be completely taken care of if he had a shovel and a convenient location to hide a body where none of the other Akatsuki members could find said body. He has none of these things though, so his problem continues to live, breathe, eat, sleep, and talk. (If screaming curses to the high heavens could be called talking.)
His problem is none other than his damn partner, Hidan.
Hidan is nothing more than a walking hurricane carving a path of destruction in his wake. Imagine waking up in the morning and walking into the kitchen to find a mountain of dishes from Hidan's god-awful midnight snacking habits. Or walking into his bedroom trying to find something that belongs to you, and you can't tell the wall from the floor, from the bed from the nasty shit caked up on the ceiling! Never mind the smell…
Walking out of his own bedroom, Kakuzu more times than not finds something from Hidan to step on and curse about. Walking out of his bedroom is practically dangerous.
He likes order, he likes cleanliness, he also likes not putting his life at risk by living in such a place. But it doesn't matter what he likes because Hidan is a bitch and always gets his way. So Kakuzu lives in chaos, filth, and is learning what to avoid and leave unquestioned or untouched. Because some things can somehow still be alive, and those things could probably kill and start some global wide disaster.
Kakuzu isn't in the mood to deal with that shit.
"KAKUZU!" Hidan shouts running loudly in his direction. Kakuzu flinches, and quickly glances around the living room, searching for something, anything, to hide under or behind. In the end he quickly switches places with the lamp, so he's standing in the corner of the room, disguised as a lamp, and the lamp is sitting at the table disguised as him. Hopefully Hidan would fall for this…
Hidan skids into the room, eyes ablaze with insane excitement, hair slightly messed up, toned chest rising and falling with each heavy breath he took. His face twists into an expression of scorn upon seeing "Kakuzu." Hidan takes a few steps towards his double and starts to speak. "Kakuzu! Didn't you hear me calling you, you prick? Why the fuck didn't you answer?" He waits a moment for the false Kakuzu to answer. "Are you ignoring me? You son of a bitch!" Hidan flies forward and shoves the poor lamp to the floor, and it explodes in a cloud of smoke revealing it's true features. Hidan stares at it for a long moment, and then turns to Kakuzu.
Knowing he's been caught, Kakuzu drops the genjutsu and faces the psychotic priest. "What do you want Hidan?" He asks gruffly. "I was busy before you came barging in here…"
Hidan's lips twitch into a smirk. "What? Busy pretending to be a fucking inanimate object? I guess you could pull it off you are about as interesting as one…"
Kakuzu gives him a dark glare. "You know big words like inanimate? I'm so proud, how long did it take Itachi to teach you?"
Hidan doesn't even glare, if anything his smirk increases. "I want to ask you a question."
"So ask." Kakuzu grunts, uninterested. Probably another one of Hidan's stupid questions, ever since he first joined the Akatsuki Hidan made it his job to ask the dumbest questions and act like he understood nothing just to get on his nerves. Maybe it's not too late to run…
"What would you do if I kicked you?" Hidan asks.
"I'd kick you back." Kakuzu answers impulsively. What the hell kind of question…?
"What would you do if I punched you?" Hidan continues on.
"I'd…punch you back." Kakuzu answers again, starting to wonder what the fuck Hidan's on. Maybe he got into Sasori's wood polish like Deidara did a while back. Those were dark times. He still shudders at the memory.
"What would you do if I threw a kunai at you?"
"I'd throw one back." Kakuzu growls. "Where is this going?"
"So I'm guessing anything I do to you, you'd do back to me." Hidan smirks, eyes glowing at the hidden implication.
Kakuzu, the ever ignorant fool he is, isn't following. "Uh…yes?"
"So if I were to say….do this?" Hidan pounces on the unsuspecting Kakuzu, yanks down his mask in one quick motion and in the next second shoves his tongue down Kakuzu's throat. Kakuzu's brain shuts down, so he only reacts and does not think. He returns Hidan's violent, sloppy kiss until his lungs scream for air and he stumbles back. He gasps for air and wipes the saliva from his mouth, and watches Hidan do the same.
"What the fuck?" Kakuzu demands, his brain finally coming back to life. "What the hell was that Hidan?"
"You said anything I do to you, you'd do back to me." Hidan reminds him, grabbing his arm and dragging him through the hallways to Kakuzu's bedroom. "So come on!"
"…What?" Kakuzu stutters rather fearfully as Hidan tosses the bewildered man into his own bedroom and then slams and locks the door behind himself. Hours later(after the rest of the people in the base were forced to listen to disturbing sounds and repetitive banging from the room)Kakuzu finds himself naked, confused, but satisfied, and next to an equally naked Hidan. "This will never happen again."
Hidan smirks, and rolls over onto his side to face him. "That's what you say now, but you liked that."
Kakuzu glares at the smug priest. "Whatever Hidan, now you get to go out there and get me food. I'm not fucking moving." On that happy note, Kakuzu kicks Hidan out of the bed to go get him his dinner. Hidan bitches and complains the entire time, but in the end he does go out there and faces Deidara's obnoxious jokes, Sasori's snickers, Tobi's uncomfortable questions, and Konan's question if she can watch next time.
Once again, Hidan is absolutely convinced he and Kakuzu are the sanest members of the Akatsuki.
Probably the best ending I could have come up with after watching World's Dumbest and Most Shocking for the past two hours…well! Tell me what you think!