DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the websites mentioned below, I do not own Harry Potter, I do not own A Very Potter Musical, and the references you see below are not word for word. Also, there are many references to the fandom, including the website-that-must-not-be-spoken-of, so if you see some stuff that you think is too weird and random for words, it's probably a reference to that. Lastly, this is a crack!fic. In no way do I think any of this actually happened, nor do I think Harry Potter is real (though it's real for us). With that in mind, enjoy. And please tell me what you think!
Once Upon a Time, in a land far away, there lived an extremely evil wizard by the name of Lord Voldemort. His evil plans were world renowned, and he had done many of the earth's most famous killings. But, of course, even the most evil of men have free time, and Lord Voldemort was no exception. There were always many speculations of what this wizard did when he wasn't plotting and murdering, each more terrible than the last. Only one person, however, really knew what went on behind the cold, stone doors of Lord Voldemort's chamber. This is his story.
The day Severus Snape got scarred for life started off as any regular day. Snape woke up, didn't shower, ate his cereal, failed students, and practiced lying to the Dark Lord in front of a mirror. He mourned Lily, cursed James, and hated on Harry just as much as any average day. He had absolutely no way of knowing that his life and the way he looked at the world would be changed forever in a few hours. Not even when he got a message from Voldemort asking for Snape to come see him at Malfoy Manor. Because this was usually construed as normal. After all, Severus Snape was one of the most trusted spies of Lord Voldemort, second only to Bellatrix Lestrange. So it was with a great deal of trepidation that Snape went to see Voldemort, but there was no more trepidation than usual. He simply didn't know.
His hasty footsteps echoed down the freezing cold hallways of Malfoy Manor, his long hair swinging back and forth as he moved. He was aware of the fact that he would get out the faster he got in, so he moved quickly and efficiently, eyes staring straight ahead of him in a black pool of unfeeling. He had worn the look ever since he was old enough to realize that his parents' marriage was toxic, that he was too strange to not be bullied, that Lily Evans would never like him the way he liked her. As a matter of fact, Snape was pretty sure that the only time he didn't wear the look was, indeed, when he was with the aforementioned woman. She could make his eyes melt and his face smile like no one else could, and it was one of the qualities he had loved about her. When she'd given him the chance. Though she'd stomped all over his heart by choosing the boy that had spend his childhood tormenting Snape, Severus couldn't help but be grateful to Lily for one thing. After all these years, the thought of her kept him from completely going over to the dark side, being who he knew he shouldn't be. When he was in a room full of horrid Death Eaters and the most evil Dark Lord of all time, all he had to do was think of Lily and he remembered that he wasn't like them. He could love.
It was quiet as he walked the hallways. In a place surrounded by so much evil, one always half expected to get major opposition as they wandered the halls. But Severus met nothing of that sort, and the only sound being made was the echoes of his own shoes against the stone. He reached Voldemort's chambers in no time, eying the masks on the guards with suspicion and trying to see who they were. They wordlessly nodded at him upon seeing him, then opened the doors for him to walk into Voldemort's chambers. After taking a deep, calming breath, Snape did so.
One step. Two steps. Three steps. And he was in. This chamber was not unlike any of the other hallways in the house, albeit a bit darker and colder than those before it. Severus shuddered as the door slammed shut behind him, the loud sound echoing terribly across the chamber. There was something extremely frightening about being behind a door with Voldemort on your side. Who knew what he wanted with Severus, or even what sort of mood he was in? Snape closed his eyes and tried to think of Lily, who always seemed to make him feel warmer when he was scared. And it was while he closed his eyes that he heard the noise. A singing- no, a crooning- coming from the other side of the high-backed throne that was facing away from Snape. Severus frowned- usually this chair was facing towards the door. Voldemort did not like being vulnerable. What was going on?
"My Lord?" Snape said nervously, but there was no response. The hiss-like singing continued, a voice as silky as fine sheets weaving in between notes expertly. And that was when Lord Voldemort stood up to reveal two white ear buds shoved into his ears, ear buds that were connected to a tiny pink ipod clipped onto the Dark Lord's Robes. Nagini was draped lazily around Voldemort's shoulders, and his head bopped up and down like a thirteen year old at a dance. A roaring was sounding in Snape's ears, over which he could only catch a few words, such as "Ron", "Hermione", and "Love". The black haired man's eyes widened. Ron and Hermione? The names of Harry Potter's two best friends? What the hell was this? He didn't have time to think about it before he felt his eardrums throb painfully- Voldemort had just begun to sing the final, earth shattering note of the song, and Snape had not been prepared.
It was with a heaving chest and bright eyes that Voldemort began to turn the throne around, tugging the headphones out of his ears as he said,
"Oh Nagini. Our OTP is glorious. My creys. My creys."
It was then that he caught sight of Severus. For a second, the two of them just stared at each other with wide eyes, both sure that some boundaries had been crossed. Finally, Snape sunk into a very low bow, and Voldemort resumed his usual menacing facial expression.
"My Lord," Severus repeated as his nose lurked dangerously close to the floor.
"Severus," Voldemort nodded. "How are you, my friend?"
Severus straightened up with even wider eyes- friend? He'd never been called 'friend' by Voldemort before, and he wasn't all that sure that anyone had.
"I'm... good," Snape said cautiously. "Er- you?"
"Mezzo mezzo," Voldemort shrugged. "Weather's kind of bland, do you not agree, Severus?"
"B-but my Lord, you like bland weather, do you not?"
Voldemort looked aghast.
"Why would I like bland weather? Yelch! It's so... ucky. I like rainbows and sunlight and unicorns and-" he suddenly stopped talking. "Right. Yes. Bland weather! Yay! Ehem."
Severus inhaled deeply, eyes skating away from his master to gaze at the dark windows of the room.
"What exactly was your purpose for summoning me, my Lord?"
Voldemort frowned, scratching his head quizzically.
"I legit can't remember."
Snape almost choked on his own spit. Did Voldemort just say legit?
"Er- alright. Perhaps we should talk about the conquest to overtake the Ministry?"
"Yes, sure, of course."
"You know what Severus, never mind. I think it's time we talk about the giant elephant in the room."
Snape looked chastised.
"Whatever you say, my Lord."
"Severus, you have just walked in on me singing. This is true. But not only was I singing a song, I was singing a very special type of song. I was singing wizard rock."
"You mean like the Weird Sisters?" Snape asked, wrinkling his nose. He preferred classical himself.
"No, not quite," Voldemort admitted, blushing. "Wizard rock is this type of music devised by muggles so that they can sing about... Harry Potter."
That took a moment to sink in.
"Let me get this straight," Snape said slowly. "You were singing a song about Harry Potter?"
He raised his eyes up to meet Voldemort's, and the Dark Lord met them with fire and defiance. But in a second it was gone, as Voldemort threw his hands up into the air and slumped against his chair.
"Alright, Severus, cards on the table. I'm going to have to tell you the whole story. Please bear in mind that I will obliviate you afterwards if you make fun of me." His eyes flickered over to a point just beyond Severus's head, and Snape turned around to see a poster with the word bullying on it with a red line through it. "This is a judgment free zone. Deal?"
"Yes, my Lord," Snape said weakly.
"Good," Voldemort said. He settled down more comfortably into his chair and gestured for Snape to be seated as well. Severus took his place in a squashy pink beanbag that was surprisingly comfortable. "It all started three months ago. I was bored, so I decided to go kill some muggles."
"Of course," Snape said, nodding. "Go on."
"So, like, I went to the muggle's house, right? And I just picked the one with the ugliest garden, right? And when I go in, the muggles are talking about this search engine called google. Well, I had no idea what a search engine was, and I don't like being out of the loop, so I decided to stay and listen before I killed them. They explained that you could get the answer to pretty much anything on there. So, intrigued, I killed the muggles and sat down at their desk to find this google for myself. It was on what I have since learned is a laptop computer- a small, silver machine that you place on your lap to go on facebook, google, the-website-that-can-not-be-spoken-of, etc cetera. They're also good to make you warm in the winter. Anyways, I did what any good Dark Lord would do. I typed in How do you kill Harry Potter? And what do you know, they came up with thousands of search results. I was thrilled, wouldn't you know! Until I found out that most of them were insulting the way I like to make long speeches before killing Potter... yeah, apparently that's my downfall. I've tried to stop, but it's just instinct, you know? Anyways... I digress. Most of these people were adamantly against me, calling me an evil son of a bludger and basically every other bad name in the book. I'll admit, those were some dark, dark days for me. But then I met her."
"SlytherinRomione95," Voldemort said dreamily. "She defended me, Severus! Called me Voldy and claimed that I would be alright with a bit of therapy. I have to admit, it made my heart expand."
"Your heart expand, sir?"
"Like the frigging Grinch, Severus. Anyhoo, I contacted her to thank her- under a pseudonym, of course- and she welcomed me graciously into the fandom."
"Fandom, my Lord?"
"Oh, goodness, I've gotten ahead of myself, haven't I? Well, a fandom is a group of people who are unhealthily and awesomely obsessed with the same thing."
Snape blinked up at Voldemort, confused.
"How would muggles become obsessed with Potter?"
Voldemort inhaled excitedly.
"Alright, Severus, hold onto your trousers, because I am about to blow your-"
"Oh," pause. "Why would I need to hold onto my trousers for that?"
Voldemort sighed, exasperated.
"It's an expression, Severus."
"I've never heard of it."
"Honestly, Severus, why do you have to be such a stick in the mud?"
Snape's eyes went to the floor.
"Sincerest apologies, my Lord. Do continue."
"Alright. Here it is. Somewhere in this world, Severus, a delightful woman by the name of Joanne Kathleen Rowling has written a phenomenal series of books about our Mr. Potter, under the illusion that they take place in the past, when in fact they are current. These books have snowballed into something bigger, and now there are movies, musicals, fan art, fan music, fan fiction, and every fan thing you could ever frigging think of."
"Merlin," Snape gasped.
"Ikr?" Voldemort said.
"I'm sorry, my Lord, I'm not aware of what that means."
"It means 'I know right'," Voldemort said. "Okay? Can I move on with my story now?" Snape nodded eagerly, and Voldemort smiled, smoothing his robes in his lap. "Well, SlytherinRomione95 told me all about herself. She said that she is a Slytherin and that she deeply sympathizes with me and understands me. And then she told me that her OTP is Romione, which I have since concluded is the best ship ever."
"OTP, sir?" Snape asked. "Ship?"
"Oh my god, don't you know any internet terms, Severus?"
"Not really," Snape mumbled. Voldemort, tutting, shook his head and turned around, reaching over the side of his chair for something. He emerged with an enormous book and dropped it into Severus's lap. "What's this?" Snape inquired.
"Internet Terms for Dummies," Voldemort responded promptly. "It was a godsend when I was trying to figure out what everything meant on my own. Memorize the book, Severus. Memorize it and live it. Forever. The book is life. I'm actually thinking of making it a Horcrux. Don't tell Dumbledore."
Snape opened the dog-eared book very carefully, long fingers running hesitantly along the page. His eyes landed on a definition, and he read it carefully.
Life Ruiner- Someone who is so freaking perfect that it makes you doubt their existence and want to curl up into a ball and cry for days once you come to terms with the notion that they are, in fact, real, and that they will never love you.
Snape glanced up. "Sounds kind of depressing, this internet thing." He faltered when he saw Voldemort looking at him with interest on his face. "My Lord?" Snape asked carefully. "What is it?"
"Come to think of it," Voldemort said softly, "it's perfect that you found me out. Because now you can be my spy!"
He jumped up very quickly and clapped his hands together enthusiastically. Snape paled.
"Er- sir, aren't I already your spy?"
"No, no," Voldemort said, shaking his head emphatically. "Not that kind of spy. I need you to get me the deets on Romione!"
There was a scramble as Severus's thumbs paged quickly through his new dictionary.
Deets- Details. Romione- The best ship in the entire Harry Potter fandom, no dispute, and anyone who thinks otherwise can go suck it.
Romione- The best ship in the entire Harry Potter fandom, no dispute, and anyone who thinks otherwise can go suck it.
Severus's eyes met Voldemort's, watching the childlike excitement that lay there.
"My Lord, are you telling me that you want me to spy on my students so that I can relay information on their romantic relationship to you?"
"Right in one," Voldemort said happily.
"I can't do that!"
"Well then it was nice knowing you, I hope you enjoy the afterlife when I send you there."
"Er- of course I'll spy on... Mironnie. Haha. I was just kidding."
Voldemort began happy dancing, his large black robes flapping up and down comically.
"Yeesssss! Oh, this is going to be fabulous! OMG, tell me right now, what's up with The Good Ship?"
"Right. Um... well, I suppose you know about the yule ball?"
"Um, yah! The yule ball was the best moment in the entire fourth book! That was the moment that I realized that Harmony could never happen.'"
"The morally despicable ship of Harry and Hermione, Severus, and stop interrupting. Ehem. It was when Ron first realized he was in love with Hermione, and if it wasn't for stupid Viktor Krum they'd totally be together right now. Poor Hermione, she's been in love with Ron since he burped up slugs for her. But even though she was painfully obvious about it, Mr. Weasley wouldn't recognize a crush if Dobby delivered a message to him in the form of a singing valentine," Voldemort said, shaking his head. Snape paled.
"You know about Dobby, sir?"
"Yes, of course! He's my favorite character! And, of course, I'd love to meet Luna Lovegood, she does seem like a dear. Maybe we could kidnap her in a year or so?"
"Yes, we really should. I'd love to really understand nargles, you know?"
"Sir, nargles don't exist," Snape said helplessly as Voldemort whistled and called in a death eater.
"Write this down, will you? I want you to plot out some sort of kidnapping of Luna Lovegood. Find something on her father that will be a good excuse to take her away, and bring her here. And fetch me some tea!"
The death eater pulled out a quill and wrote it down.
Voldemort turned back to Snape, staring down at him expectantly.
"MORE DEETS SEVERUS!"
"Er- what do you know?"
A tea tray floated over to Voldemort, unsupported. He picked it up.
"Ms. Rowling has written the students' fifth year, but she hasn't told their sixth year yet, as they're in it. You just have got to tell me! I'd love to be ahead of all those fan fiction authors that are dying to know what's going on in the world of Harry freaking Potter." Here, he chuckled a bit at his own joke. "So have they kissed yet?"
Snape bit his lip.
"Not that I am aware of, my Lord."
"Do you have anything, Severus?" Voldemort growled.
"Miss Granger did invite Mr. Weasley to a party!" he said excitedly.
"Me gusta!" Voldemort exclaimed, reaching down his throne to take a sip from his tiny pink tea cup.
"But- er- now Mr. Weasley is dating Lavender Brown."
Voldemort spat out his tea.
"OH MY ROWLING! NO! NO! NOOOOO! MY HEART! MY SHIPPER HEART! I'M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!"
"My Lord?" Snape cried, panicked.
"My ship!" Voldemort gasped. "It's sinking! Someone... SOMEONE KILL LAVENDER BROWN!" He paused then, breathing hard. "Oh, never mind. In a few months the book will be published and then I can just get some fangirls to do the hit for me."
"What the devil is going on here?" Snape muttered to himself.
And suddenly Voldemort had stopped his dramatic false sobbing and was laughing incessantly.
"Wh-what did you just say?"
"I... I said 'what the devil is going on here'."
Voldemort began screeching with hysterical laughter, beating his fist against his chair.
"Oh god. Oh no, stop it, you're too funny! Hahahhahahahaha. You're killing me, Severus."
"I'm so confused... my Lord, do you need something? Perhaps a sandwich? Raise your blood pressure a bit?"
Voldemort continued to screech with laughter.
"As long as it's finger licking good!"
Voldemort composed himself after some time, wiping a tear away from the corner of his eye.
"Sorry, Sev. I can't help but quote A Very Potter Musical. It was creative genius. Although how they found out about my issues with unbreakable vows, I will never know. And how do they know about Pigfarts?" He then sighed, sobering. "God, I miss Quarrel."
"Yes, Quarrel. Because okay is wonderful."
Snape was extremely lost, so he did the only thing he could think.
"What are the movies like, sir?"
Voldemort perked up.
"They're pretty damn good! Well, I mean, the actors they've gotten to play Ron and Hermione are perfect, but I don't think the bloke who plays Harry is at all like our real Mr. Potter. As for me... well, they've absolutely destroyed my nose, and I'm in serious want of a manicure. In regard to you, Severus... well, the actor who plays you deserves an oscar for his performance. Brilliant. And Bellatrix is quite good too. Hey, do you want to see pictures?"
Voldemort stood up and started running to a door at the far side of the room.
"C'mon!" he called over his shoulder. "You can meet my pygmy puff!"
Snape followed very slowly, everything still registering in his mind. He pictured his story being told to millions of people and felt a nervous twist in his gut. Would anyone be convinced of his goodness? Of course not. He'd be a villain all his life. Why would anyone trust him like that? Feeling put out, Severus stepped into Voldemort's personal chambers and gasped when he was assaulted with the sight of a ridiculous quantity of posters.
There was a picture of Zac Efron smiling charismatically, one hand shoved up his shirt. Above it, the word Zefron was written in Lord Voldemort's handwriting. Next to it were the words Keep Calm and Marry Ron on a pink poster, which made Snape laugh a little. Spread sporadically through the room were lyrics to a few songs entitled Lumos Flies, Sonorus Love, Accio Love, Don't Leave, Granger Danger, The Ballad of Ron and Hermione, Never Letting You Go, and Maybe Tomorrow. Next to this was a picture of a boy who looked slightly like Harry Potter, his eyebrows contracted, his mouth twisting back and forth, repeating the same words. He looked positively pissed off, and Severus could see the words IS IT BECAUSE I'M FAT? flashing underneath them. Near this, looking thoroughly out of place, was a poster labeled Everything I Know In Life I Learned From Friends. Across the room from that was a poster on which a collection of Harry Potter themed pickup lines were typed for the enjoyment of the reader. Severus read them carefully, gasping at some of the more inappropriate ones.
"I'd get sleezy for Ron Weasley?" he snorted without thinking. "Really?"
"What?" Voldemort said, shrugging. "Most people would."
Snape turned around to see the leader of the dark revolution lounging on his bed and cooing at a small pink creature, wearing a t-shirt with an image of Dobby the house elf on it. When he moved his arm, a tattoo rippled over the muscle there. You can't spell heRmiONe without ron.
"Sev, I want you to meet my pygmy puff. Foo Foo Romione. Say hello to Foo Foo Romione, Severus."
"Say. Hello. To. FOO FOO ROMIONE!" Voldemort hissed through gritted teeth. "Sheesh."
"Uh- hello, Foo Foo Romione," Snape said, trying not to sound disgusted with himself.
Voldemort sighed contently.
"Severus, you're a teacher, right?" he thoughtfully.
"Yes, my Lord. Do you require any services of me in that aspect?" Snape asked hopefully.
"Sort of. Could you beta read my fan fic?"
"Fan fic, sir?"
Voldemort reached under his bed and tugged out a stack of papers even bigger than Internet Terms for Dummies.
"It's all about how I kill Harry Potter and Ron and Hermione find solace in each other and to make the pain go away they have a steamy one night stand that turns into something more when Hermione gets pregnant and then they're both really happy about it but neither want to say and while they raise their beautiful ginger baby they fall further and further in love until they're forced to tell each other and get married and spend forever together. Then they have another child, a boy that they name Tom, after me, because it was my evil that got them together in the first place. What do you think?"
Snape had no words, so he applauded with as little sarcasm as he possibly could while he considered. Finally, he decided to be a kiss-arse.
"Excellent plot, my Lord. I'm sure your writing is riveting."
"OMG, maybe we can do a collab for nanowrimo? Wouldn't that be fun? That would be fun!"
"Nanowrimo?" Snape questioned, but suddenly a timer rang, and Voldemort sprang up.
"I have to go!" he told Snape. "Glee's starting in three minutes and the Death Eaters might begin without me if I'm not there! Can you do something for me, though?"
"Anything," Snape replied helplessly.
"Do something to push Ron and Hermione together when they're in your class next time. Just... help them. They need it. Really, they do. Stubborn pigs..."
Snape had almost made it to the door when something inside him snapped. He whirled around to face Voldemort, who was gazing dreamily at a handwritten poster labeled My Head Canons.
"But, sir," Snape said desperately, "you despise everything muggle. How could this be?"
Voldemort shrugged, and Snape winced. Apparently the Dark Lord did not care about the plot holes in his own life.
"Not sure, really. I just know that it's worse than the caffeine addiction I had a few years back. I can't offer you an explanation, Severus, but would you care for a red vine?"
The class was well underway by the time Snape let himself glance up at Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. They were standing on either side of Potter, resolutely trying not to glance at the other one. The usually talkative table was much too quite, so much so that it was slightly unnerving. Snape felt as though the balance in his sixth year class was suddenly off, and he wondered if it was effecting his teaching skills at all. If only the two of them would talk, then maybe he'd have an idea of what he had to do to make Voldemort happy by pushing the two together. To calm his nerves, Snape reached into his desk and pulled out the muggle phone that Voldemort had sent him so that Severus could stay updated with the fan world. His thumb brushed lightly over the pad, kick starting the phone, and Snape carefully typed in the web address of the website-that-can-not-be-spoken-of. His eyes lit up as he saw a bright red number (1) on the top right corner of the page. Could this be? Was he really getting his first ask? He was practically shaking as he went to tap it, but disappointment crashed over him instantly.
VOLDYROMIONE: Hey, Sev. Go check out this fan fic! Ron and Hermione are on a GAME SHOW, can you believe it? It's adorable. And I know you're going to say that it's juvenile and out of character, and wizards don't evenhave game shows, butlisten. It's fan fiction. It doesn't really have to be all that accurate. And the characterization is excellent for such a young author. So click or I will kill you. Literally. YAY!
Snape sighed as he clicked the link, the fifteenth one he'd gotten that week. He found that Voldemort enjoyed the weirder fan fictions. As the page loaded, something on the right side caught his eye. It was a list of pairings. And right under James/Lily (his blood boiled just to think about it) lay Snape/Lily. Snily. Seriously? Severus felt his heart instantly warm up to the idea of fan fiction as his finger slammed up against the screen of the phone, selecting the ship. Soon, an array of glorious fan fictions were lying at his finger tips, all about him and Lily, all begging to be read. He felt his heart beat increasingly faster as he made his way down the page painstakingly, reading each and every one with love and care. His eyes were wet as he reemerged, and across the classroom he eyed Ron and Hermione, still not talking.
But it wasn't fair, was it? It wasn't fair that they still had each other but they weren't even taking advantage of that. They needed each other so, so badly (the thousands of fan fics Snape had read were complete and total proof of that) and they were just ignoring it over teenager feelings that would seem so insignificant later in life when they were married with children. What if they wasted it like Severus had wasted his time with Lily? They didn't know- one never knew- what was at stake. He needed them to understand. He needed them to tell each other. Why couldn't they just do it? So without thinking, without planning it, without worrying about the fact that every student in his class might know it was him, Snape pointed his wand at Hermione Granger's cauldron and muttered a spell as surreptitiously as he was able to.
The cauldron exploded, and Hermione let out a little shriek and leaped into Ron's arms, which were somehow ready for her even though she had never really been in them before. She turned into him, hiding her face in his shoulder, and the perfect liquid spilled all over everyone and the laughter began. They thought it was her fault, and so did she. That was where the humiliation came in, of course. Ron stroked her hair absently, glaring around at everyone who was laughing, and Hermione looked up at him to smile in thanks. That was when they realized exactly who they were and, more importantly, who the other person was. Why they absolutely couldn't be in a position like this. Hermione backed slowly out of Ron's arms, then turned on her heel and bolted out of the room, not even bothering to bring her bag. Ron stared after her longingly, while Snape willed him to chase after her.
He didn't. He wouldn't. He couldn't.
Severus sighed. What a daft idiot. A blind, daft, stubborn idiot. He wasn't exactly proud of what he had done, but he knew one thing. Hermione and Ron had what he and Lily could never have again. Therefor, he shipped them. Yes, Severus Snape was a Romione shipper.
Ron and Hermione... because even Voldemort knew before they did.