The man's feet tapped against the floor of Malfoy Manor, and he walked briskly through the building, his eyes never leaving the door that stood between him and his master. The corridors were cold- Severus had been told that The Dark Lord liked it that way, for some reason. Often, the greasy haired professor wondered if the air was cold to match his master's personality, and if any contact with warmth and comfort might make the man's evil disposition less so. But, of course, he couldn't wonder that right now. Voldemort was a skilled mind-reader, and Severus couldn't risk his mind being read. There was too much at stake. Then again, he could easily block The Dark Lord out. But if he had to, it might be the last thing he did.
Severus strode up to a death eater guarding the outside of the room.
"I've come to see the Dark Lord."
"Have you been summoned?" the death eater asked, and Severus nodded. "Very well."
The heavy stone door creaked open, and Snape quickly walked through, feeling slightly nervous as it slammed shut behind him. Voldemort's chair had been turned to face the other side of the room, so Severus could not see his master's face. He could, however, see that there were two white chords connected to his ears, and his feet were tapping on the ground.
"My lord?" Severus said tentatively. And that was when Lord Voldemort started to sing.
"We were both young when I first saw you, I close my eyes and the flashbacks start! Hogwarts express. Meeting you was such a mess. Felt vulnerable without my muggle clothes, but, hey, you had a bit of dirt on your nose, I never let that go. Little did I know that we'd be best friends with Harry Potter, and we'd fight with that boy until the end, and I was crying out your name, Ron, begging you please don't go! And now-"
Nagini was enthusiastically dancing, bobbing up and down and hissing some of the lyrics out in Parseltongue. Unsure as to what to do, Severus finally decided to address The Dark Lord, as he knew he would be severely punished if Voldemort thought he hadn't showed.
"MY LORD!" Severus shouted, his skin flushed. "YOU CALLED?"
Voldemort let out a little gasp and stopped singing. He slowly turned around to see his servant looking quite shocked.
"Ah, yes," Voldemort replied, taking the headphones out of his head and shutting off his music player. "Severus."
"Er- sir? May I be so bold as to ask what that is?"
"This? It is a muggle contraption that holds thousands of your songs on a memory chip. It even has a special store that you can go to, as to get millions of your favorite songs at the click of a button. Dead useful for people who can't stand to listen to that awful muggle radio station, with these terrible 80s songs. Myself, I prefer internet bands such as-"
"My Lord?" Snape said again. "I mean... what was that you were singing?"
Voldemort flushed. He glanced towards Nagini, who was looking sulky now that his owner had stopped singing.
"That, dear Severus, is something called Wizard Rock."
"Wizard rock, my Lord?"
"Yes. You see, the fans of Harry Potter write the songs and put them to tunes and have concerts. They even write something called fanfictions and make unauthorized- albeit extremely hilarious- musicals. Makes me miss Quirrell."
"Yes, Wuirrell. So, anyways. Movies, musicals, websites... and this is all for the boy-who-lived."
Severus wasn't sure if he was surprised or just annoyed by this fact.
"My lord... well, did I hear you say the name of Harry Potter's best friend, Ronald Weasley?"
"Ah, yes," Voldemort said, suddenly becoming very interested in a piece of loose thread from his robes. "Well... I suppose you'd better sit down."
He waved his wand and conjured what looked to Severus like the type of chair they might have in Azkaban. Severus sat.
"You see, Severus, I have been lonely a long time. I have been surrounded by the hate of even people in my group of followers. And sometimes, it's been hard. So I wanted to go to a place where everybody knows my name. Unfortunately, Cheers isn't real, and neither is Central Perk, whose coffee I've always wanted to try. So, I had to make do with the next best thing. The internet. There, I found that some woman had written five books about Mr. Harry Potter, masking our world under the charade that it is fictional, and saying that it happened in the past, instead of currently. People are absolutely eating it up- you know, they've even made a film about it, it's quite interesting. Mr. Potter looks nothing like the boy who plays him, but I daresay Mr. Weasley and Ms. Granger's doubles are fairly alright... the actor who plays you is excellent, but the person who's playing me is dismal, I must say. I look dreadful. They've absolutely killed my nose, and my fingernails are in serious want of some grooming."
"I'm sorry, my lord." Severus said quietly. He felt slightly nauseous at the idea of a movie that featured him, and couldn't help but hope that they were portraying his character fairly and correctly.
"Anyways. I logged onto this website called wizardnet under a fake name, and soon I'd made friends with all the people in the fandom."
"Fandom, my lord?" Severus asked.
"A group of people who are all unhealthily but awesomely obsessed with the same thing," Voldemort said unblushingly. "There was this specific group of people in the fandom, Severus, that really liked me. They made up a nickname for me, you know, Voldy, which I quite like. And they said that with a couple sessions of therapy, I'd really be alright. It made this dark lord really feel warm fuzzies inside. And I had Bella start calling me Voldy, which helped her in her endeavors to seduce me."
"Er- I'm so glad," Snape said awkwardly.
"Now, Severus, there was this one particular user who kept on vying for me over and over again. She was always on my side. I really liked her, so I went to check her profile. She says she's a Slytherin, that I'm her favorite character in the series, and that her main Ship is Romione."
"Ship, my Lord? Romione?"
"Ah. A ship is a couple, and Romione is a couple name. Shipping is to support the couple. Well, I got in touch with this marvelous supporter, and she introduced me to Romione fanfiction, the shipping wars, and even Wizard Rock. Since then... well, I've been a Romione shipper. I know Harmony can not be, it's always been Ron for Hermione, and Hermione for Ron, wouldn't you agree, Severus?"
"Ah. The morally despicable ship of Harry and Hermione. It's vile, I tell you, Severus."
The room fell silent. Voldemort was staring expectantly at Severus, and Severus was looking ashen gray. Finally, when he couldn't hold it in anymore, Snape burst out,
"But, sir, you hate everything muggle! And all these muggle things go against everything being a Death Eater stands for."
Voldemort ignored this. Apparently, he did not care about the plot holes of his own life.
"Does Potter own a rocket ship?"
"Do you know if Hermione can draw?"
"Or if Lupin can sing?"
Long at last composing himself, Snape said,
"No, I generally try to avoid anything marauder. You know that, my Lord."
"People ship you and Lily, you know." Voldemort said conversationally. "Disgusting, I say, but there you go."
Suddenly, Severus was starting to warm up to the idea of fanfiction.
"Where could I find the web address for some of those stories?"
Voldemort waved his wand, and a slip of paper appeared in midair. He levitated it to Snape, then sat back in his chair, looking thoughtful.
"Actually, Severus, I'm quite glad that you know about my adoration of the Potter fandom and Romione ship. Because... er... I need a spy."
"My lord, I'm not sure if this has escaped your notice, but I already am your spy."
"No, no," Voldemort blushed. "I need a spy that can get me all the deets about Ron and Hermione's relationship status."
"Deets, my Lord?"
Looking thoroughly annoyed, now, Voldemort said,
"Good merlin, Severus, don't you know any internet terms? We'll have to fix this, it's becoming tiring."
"I apologize, my lord."
"Deets, Severus, are details. I want details on the Ship of Ron and Hermione. I want daily reports. I need my fixing of Romine every day, otherwise I can not function. It's quite like the addiction I had to coffee a few years back, if you'll remember. Usually I'll write and read fanfiction, but the writers aren't quite up to date with the ship's love story, and I'd love to be a step ahead. Now, what can you tell me right now?"
"Well, sir, I suppose you've heard about the yule ball?"
"Ah, yes. That was the moment that I realized that Harmony could never happen. It was when Ron first realized he was in love with Hermione, and if it wasn't for stupid Viktor Krum they'd totally be together right now. Poor Hermione, she's been in love with Ron since he burped up slugs for her. But even though she was painfully obvious about it, Mr. Weasley wouldn't recognize a crush if Dobby delivered a message to him in the form of a singing valentine," Voldemort said, shaking his head. Snape paled.
"You know about Dobby, sir?"
"Yes, of course! He's my favorite character! And, of course, I'd love to meet Luna Lovegood, she does seem like a dear. Maybe we could kidnap her in a year or so?"
"Yes, we really should. I'd love to really understand nargles, you know?"
"Sir, nargles don't exist," Snape said helplessly as Voldemort whistled and called in a death eater.
"Rowle, write this down, will you? I want you to plot out some sort of kidnapping of Luna Lovegood. Find something on her father that will be a good excuse to take her away, and bring her here."
The death eater pulled out a quill and wrote it down.
Suddenly, a watch beeped, and Voldemort glanced down. His face brightened when he saw the time.
"Ah. Well, I must go Severus. It's time for my afternoon playdate with my Pygmy Puff."
"Your Pygmy Puff, sir?"
"Yes. She's this darling pink animal named Foo Foo Romione. I adore her. Maybe you'll meet her someday, I'm sure you'd find her delightful."
Voldemort stood up and placed his earphones back in his ears. Just as he was about to click the play button, he examined Snape very closely.
"Do not forget, Severus, to get me some Romione details. Have them by the next time I summon you. I will have a black ninja robe of stealthiness made for you, if you need it."
"Why would I need that?"
"To get in the mood, you know? I often find that playacting with costumes helps me get into the character of an evil bastard."
"Right," Snape said, standing up to leave. "Oh, my lord, did you call me here for anything else?"
Voldemort stopped to think, but he couldn't seem to remember, so he shrugged.
"I suppose nothing too important."
Then he turned around, gathered Nagini around his shoulders, and pressed the play button on his music player again. Instantly, his hips started to swing back and forth to the beat as he exited the room, singing once more.
"Something has changed within me, something is not the same. The jealousy I felt when she danced with him was inhumane. Now I look at her different, but how does she look at me? I think I'm falling so don't say that it's too late please! I'm falling in love with Hermione Granger. Think I'm in love with Hermione Granger! And Viktor Krum's to blame."
Voldemort suddenly lifted Nagini's head to his mouth as though the snake was a microphone.
"I've always been a sidekick, she'd never fancy me! Harry's rich and I am poor, he's a Potter I'm a Weasley. I even love her long hair, and I melt inside her eyes! Merlin if you're up there, if I don't get her I just might diiiiieeee-"
Before he could hear anymore, Severus exited the room, trying not to get too excited about the pairing of Ron and Hermione. But when he got home, all he could think about was the two of them, considering all of the time they had driven him insane by bickering in his class. And that was when he realized that he didn't even need the black ninja robe of stealthiness to make him want to spy on the students. He'd do it because he... shipped them.
That's right. Severus Snape shipped Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. Because, he realized, as he looked at a fanfiction story that included them, You can't spell Hermione without Ron.