DISCLAIMER: I don't own gundam wing or any of its characters. I don't even own my car so don't sue me.*_*
Don't Go Off Wandering
SONG BY:Limp Bizkit
Everyday is nothin' but stress to me
Constantly dwelling on how you got the best of me
Relena relaxed as the door to the limo slammed shut offering her relief from the mob of reporters. Her eyes slid closed as her mind wandered in circles. Nothing was going right and she was on the verge of breaking. Not only did this meeting with the Lower House turn out to be a complete waist of time but he had to be there too. The stress of her job was going to kill her if an assassin didn't first. Of course he was there to prevent that. He was there because she was just another mission. If she didn't stop dwelling on it the stress HE induced was going to kill her first. Her back was literally against a wall. There was no way she could escape her life but it was getting harder and harder to face the pain that was inflicted at every turn. She wondered if the great Heero Yuy even realized what he was doing to her.
Wanna know somethin'
I can't believe the way you keep testing me
And mentally molesting me
She tried in vain to push all thoughts from her mind but his image just wouldn't go away. What the hell did he want from her anyway? She had all the protection she needed so he could just disappear again like always. But no, when she had longed for him come to her he was never around and now that she didn't need the added heartache he wouldn't leave her alone. Was he trying to destroy her or did he just enjoy playing mind games?
But would you think any less of me if I said that I'd be there
Would you think any less of me if I said I really care
Of course you would
Her anger rose at the thought. She had done all she could to get through to him and he'd done all he could to push her away. It was a vicious cycle that she had to break. So the only thing left to do had been smile and treat Heero Yuy like he didn't exist and hope that one-day he really wouldn't exist in her little world. Too bad her actions couldn't change the way she felt. Despite everything she still loved him with an intensity that terrified her. Only from now on she'd be dammed if he'd know it. She might be a sucker for him but she wasn't stupid.
Cuz you only want what you can't have
As for me I'm stuck with my head in my hands
Reaching up she rubbed the back of her neck. God, she was tense. All this was taking it toll on her. Bracing her elbows on her knees she dropped her head in her hands. She was tired of keeping up the appearance of control. She was tried of pretending she had her life in order. She was tired of letting Heero have this disrupting effect on her. He should have self-destructed right the first time and put everyone out of their misery. The thought made her smile.
Because you don't feel nothing at all
You don't feel nothing at all
She couldn't live with him and she couldn't live without him. It was a sick joke played on her by fate. That she should love him with all her heart and he should feel nothing made her want to laugh hysterically. Why? The concept of their whole relationship was that she was a mission. He had to protect her. That was all he cared about. If the world said it no longer needed her and he was given a new mission to kill her he would. And he would probably be happy to be rid of her. And the really sick part was that if killing her would make him happy then she would gladly die for him. That's how addicted I am to the pain he causes me, she thought. A pain that he's never felt in his life and that's assuming he's ever felt anything to begin with, her mind stormed.
Maybe there's more to life than it seems
I'm constantly running from reality chasing dreams
She thought of all the times that she followed him like a dog after a bone. He was the only thing she could focus on for so long and now that she had to grow up it hurt. She couldn't run from reality anymore. She had to face the fact that she would never have him and she was pathetic to still want him. She had other more important things to stress over than "Mr. Perfect Soldier Yuy". She had better things to do with her time than pant after him and make a sad spectacle of herself. Her days of being his little toy were over.
Wanna know something I can't believe
Just how much misery comes with humility
It sickened her to know she had wanted him so much that she had actually started out right demanding that he care for her. She had no pride back then. She had been spoiled and assumed she could have anything she wanted and she wanted HIM. Then she learned the true lesson behind all this. It hurt to know that nobody is guaranteed a happy ending. That sometimes you can give something your all and it will still blow up in your face. She didn't like to look at life from that angle and admit defeat but she also knew when to give in. He wasn't going to be a part of life anymore that he was now and she had to deal with that. And the sooner the better.
Do you think any less of me now that I'm gone
Look at me now, everything is gone
She wondered vaguely if he even noticed the cold way she'd been treating him. The way she basically ignored his presence until she absolutely had no choice but to acknowledge him. The way she never smiled at him anymore and the way her eyes seem to glare when they meet his. Probably not. If anything he would think she was weak for showing such emotion at all. But she couldn't help but show that her world was crumbling around her. Her work was demanding all her energy and she didn't have the strength to keep up the facade any longer. Her whole life was just a time bomb that was slowly ticking.
I can't seem to do anything right
Bit I figured out why you don't let me inside
Dragging herself out of the limo and into the cold winter air she forced herself to climb the stone steps to her mansion. Hastily she made her way to her little sanctuary. The only room in the whole house she felt at ease was her bedroom. But it was her heaven and her hell. Her eyes took in all the reminders of her messed up situation. She ignored the tears that flooded her eyes as she decided to take the last step and free herself from him once and for all.
She gently picked up the picture of him she had on her night stand. Her eyes darted over to the cozy fire glowing at the far side of the room. Purposely she removed the picture from the frame and releasing all the bitter pain inside her she ripped the image of his face to shreds. Still holding what was now confetti she picked up the stuffed bear he's given her for her sixteenth birthday. This one really hurt. She smiled at the worn bear as she gently fingered the tattered little thing. She had led herself to believe this gift had meant something but it was time she took it for face value.
Walking over to the fire with determined footsteps she felt the tears began to fall. Before the fire she paused as she braced herself to finish their little game once and for all. She watched with almost detached dread as the torn pieces of the picture floated into the fire where she tossed them. As each piece burned she felt a little more of her heart die.
She looked down at the stuffed bear clenched in her hand. This was her last tie to him. She was supposed to be happy to be rid of him, so why was this killing her? It's not like he ever cared and you knew all along he would never give you a chance, and now you know why. He never felt anything for you, her mind taunted.
Because you don't feel nothing at all
You don't feel nothing at all
"Goodbye Heero." she whispered as she dropped the bear into the waiting flames. She wished with all her heart that she could be like him. Completely emotionless, free from the burden of ever feeling anything. She tried to stop the tears but there was nothing she could do. She felt she was being consumed with the flames too.
This is all you're fault Heero, she thought with growing anger. You made me think you cared and now I'm the one dying because you didn't.
"Did you ever care?" she whispered brokenly.
You need nothing from me now
You think I'm useless to you now
But I need one thing from you now
I insist that you feel me now
Her eyes locked on her tear stained face in the mirror and her control broke. Lashing out with her fist she smashed the image of her face dead center. She ignored the pain as the glass cut through her skin. She could only focus in the feel of her anger. The beautiful soul cleansing anger that consumed her.
"One day you will feel and you will hurt and only then will you ever learn, Heero." She hissed as she tried to move her injured hand.
"One day you will feel me and you'll learn what it is to suffer." She whispered, her voice echoing through the silent room.
A.N.- Okay, First I have no idea why they named this song that stupid title but the lyrics are cool and this song just fit Relena so well that I was forced to write it. I had to change one line of the song to fit the story, sorry. If you know the song then you what line I'm talking about. I tried and I'm sorry, but I can't write a happy Relena. There is just too much depth to her character and I've always written angst better than sap. You can thank my muse for the depression trip. I may do a Heero pov to this story and maybe not. I dunno what I'll come up with next but thanks for being cool readers and as always you're the best!!!!!!!*_*