Disclaimer: Nemeses owns Dreamscape, not I. Lemon Demon owns the song Knife Fight. I own pocket lint and crushing depression at how pathetic my life is.
Author's notes: Firstly, let me say, for all Dreamscape fans, I do love the final battle. It's nothing short of epic, and is perhaps the greatest duel in literary history. I mean absolutely no disrespect to it here, it's just a silly little songfic that I hope puts a smile on someone's face.
This is an alternate chapter ten, with far less awesome and far more hilarity (I hope…). It's a oneshot.
Also, the other Dreamscape fanfic author at the time this is written, EeriexVerra, has had a wonderful idea, and I'm takin' it for myself, too. The author of Dreamscape, Nemeses, has some fundraisers on his website. Guys, these are really worthy causes. It's not like stopping child cruelty or wars or something else that you know is never going to happen, it's things that we'll see really quickly, like supporting the artist of Dreamscape, Missus JoMarie Bentzler, who has a family of four to take care of, and starting a bitchin' defense company, and some other stuff. It's really cool stuff. Link's in my profile, so check it out, be cool, and pitch in for a good cause, okay? Every cent makes a difference.
Chapter Ten: Knife Fight
Leon and Joachim, the Lord of Darkness stared each other down coldly. This was it. Their last standoff. Winner take all. The first of them to speak would have to say something truly monumental to mark this occasion for the legendary battle it would undoubtedly prove to be.
Leon spoke first. He could almost hear light metal playing somewhere. "I tire of your mind games! I'm sick of playing 'Don't Wake Daddy', good sir. No more rock-paper-scissors for me."
Joachim had to admit that he had not foreseen those as the opening words to this showdown, but couldn't deny that he was getting into the spirit himself.
"But wait, are we not civilized gentlemen here?" Leon continued. "I challenge you to a battle of knifes."
Knifes? Joachim thought. He had never heard someone sing knives as knifes before in his entire life. Leon, however, looked perfectly serious, and drew his Mercworx Sniper. Joachim drew his Mercworx Goliath.
"Knife fight!" Leon exclaimed, barely moving toward his opponent. "You're gonna fight for you life! Knife fight! You're gonna fight with a knife! Knife fight! A really, really, really sharp knife! Yeah, knife fight… I'm a crazy (crazy) son of a bitch, I'm'ma cut you (cut you), swish, swish, in a knife fight! Knife fight! Knife fight! Knife fight! Knife fight!"
Joachim kept staring him down, not quite sure how to respond.
"Let me tell you something," Leon said. "I can't be beat."
"Oh, yeah?" Joachim countered.
"Yeah, cause I'm the king of the street," Leon responded cockily.
"Well, guess what, man? I'll bend you to the wall," Joachim taunted.
"Oh, yeah?" Leon said, unable to think of anything better to say.
"Yeah! Your knife is way too small!" Joachim said, a mocking smirk on his inhuman face.
"Hey! My knife is super sharp, and that's what counts," Leon said defensively. "I'm gonna make you bleed copious amounts!"
"Yeah, I'll be sure to thank you, right after I shank you!" Joachim said.
"Punk!" Leon snarled.
"Dweeb!" Joachim retorted.
Apparently, Leon hadn't been able to think of a good comeback, since he stepped closer to Joachim and repeated his sung challenge. "Knife fight! You're gonna fight for you life! Knife fight! You're gonna fight with a knife! Knife fight! A really, really, really sharp knife! Yeah, knife fight… I'm a crazy (crazy) son of a bitch, I'm'ma cut you (cut you), swish, swish, in a knife fight! Knife fight! Knife fight! Knife fight! Yeah, knife fight!"
There was another dramatic staredown, which Leon broke by saying, "I'm gonna slice you up."
"I'm gonna cut you down," Joachim replied without missing a beat.
"I'll put you in your place," Leon said sternly.
"I'll put you underground!" Joachim mocked with no hesitation.
"This is the end for you, you gutter-crawling cur," Leon hissed.
"I've got a tip for you," Joachim said, aiming the tip of his knife at Leon's throat. "Get the point?"
"Yeah, sure," Leon said coolly.
"It's time to face the music!" Joachim crowed.
"Time to face the facts," Leon agreed.
"Time to bite the bullet!" Joachim continued.
"Time to pay the tax," Leon concluded.
"Oh, I am a blade of fury!" Joachim said, swinging his knife around angrily.
"I am a ball of rage," Leon countered, taking a combat-ready crouch.
"You ready, sucka?" Joachim asked.
"Born ready!" Leon replied.
"Engage!" They shouted in unison, going at each other. Both moved faster than human eyes could follow, and though neither was able to get a solid hit in, the first one to draw blood would almost certainly win. It was a knife fight for the ages! Both attempted to cut and stab with their knife! Kapow! Leon tried to poke Joachim's eyes out, but had his right hand swatted down by the Dark Lord's, who also tried to gut Leon with his knife, but he dodged it.
"Hey, wait a minute here," Joachim said, breaking off.
"Oh, what is it?" Leon asked.
"Knifes are dangerous!" Joachim said, not noticing that now he was using the word too. "We could get hurt!"
"I don't wanna get hurt," Leon quietly admitted.
"Who does?" Joachim asked.
"Okay, well… i-in that case, I challenge you to a…" Leon said, and both exclaimed, "tickle fight!" Leon snatched a banjo from one of the corpses littering the streets of Dromen, and played an enthusiastic, merry tune.
"Tickle fight, it's a tickle fight, don't bring no knife to a tickle fight," he sang. "Just bring your finger, bring a feather, and everyone can sing together now."
Joachim joined in, and they sang, "Tickle fight, tickle fight, la-de-da-de-de-dum, tickle fight, tickle fight, whoopee-doo, this is a tickle fight," they both broke into out and out scatting here, before resuming at "tickle fight, tickle tickle tickle, fight, hey!"
This launched the bloodiest known duel in tickle fight history.