Author's Note: The characters speaking are Thor, Tony, Steve and Loki, and one more at the end. I think it'll be easy to decide who says what.

Oh No You Didn't

"Thor, put the hammer down."

"He must pay for this!"

"I'm sure Tony's very sorry. He regrets what he did, don't you Tony?"

"Not particularly."


"You have no idea how limber he is. Seriously, it's like fucking a Chinese acrobat slash contortionist."


"For Gods sake, just say you're sorry!"

"Well, I'm not. It was one of the best fucks of my life."

"What did you call my brother, you fiend?"

"I believe the Midgardian term is 'sex offender', brother."

"You're not helping the matter, Loki."

"Oh I'm sorry. I wasn't aware I was supposed to help. Allow me to rectify it. Brother, I have been used and left in the family way."

"I know that, Loki! I have already promised to turn his genitals into bean casserole!"

"Well, did I mention that he didn't act like a gentleman while he was knocking me up?"


"There, I helped."

"In what universe is that helping? Not in the face!"

"Loki, if there is any good in you, you will stop your brother."


"Right, that was stupid of me. How about I talk Strange into lending you a few of his rarest books?"

"Fine. Thor, put Mjolnir away. The baby will need to know its father."

" are correct. Stark, I demand you marry my brother."

"WHAT?" "The fuck-?"

"Marriage will prove you are an honorable man, Stark, not just depraved defiler praying on my brother's virtue."

"Thor, I have never been virtuous in my life, what the hell are you talking about?"

"It will also ensure you are taken care of when Stark passes on."

"I'm a god, you idiot! I don't need taking care of!"

"You have always needed help, and yet you refuse to ask for it!"

"Because I don't need it!"

"Don't I get any say in this?"

"You will be silent, Stark, until a monk sanctifies the marriage."

"Did you get hit on the head recently? What is with you and me marrying?"

"Marriage is the honorable thing to do, especially with a baby on the way."

"You never demanded I marry Svadifari."

"He's a horse."

"So's my son! And they're both obviously more intelligent than you!"

"I will not be spoken to thusly. And you are marrying Stark, end of discussion!"

"Make me, you overbearing oaf!"

"Only the child within you is staying my hand, brother, so don't test me!"

"Thor Odinson, put the hammer down now."

"Pepper, thank God."

"Lady Potts, this is a private matter. Please do not concern yourself."

"If it concerns Tony, I'm paid to 'concern myself'. Now will someone explain to me why Thor is threatening Tony with a giant hammer? And what's all this talk about marriage?"

"Stark has defiled my brother, and a baby was created of their union. The only choice in this situation is to marry."

"...Tony will not marry Loki."

"You are so getting a raise."

"Lady Potts, this is not how this is done on Asgard."

"You are not on Asgard. However, Tony will publicly recognize the baby as his, and will provide for the child's needs. He will also have visitations rights, and in the event Loki is arrested or blows himself up, the baby will be delivered to Tony's custody."

"I wouldn't let him care for a gerbil."

"Tony's custody will be monitored by me, Jarvis, Steve Rogers and an army of therapists and specialists. Are the terms satisfactory, Loki?"

"Fine, I agree."


"Sure, whatever."

"Excellent. Now if you all could leave, Mr. Stark has much work to do."

They went. Though Thor did shake Mjolnir at Tony one more time, just for good measure.

The End