Disclaimer – Don't own.
This is a CRACK ONESHOT fanfiction dedicated to Akuma no tenshi 666 because she was the 700th reviewer of 'When Pigs Fly'. She caught the secret Kiriban!
If you've read WPF, you'll be familiar with 'When Pigs Die'. None of the events which occur in this fanfic will be in any way related to the original DinoXOC story. This is strictly a CRACK fiction that is kind of like a sequel to the sample I wrote in chapter 40.
This is also partially a parody of every HibariXOC in the KHR section. Just sayin'.
Warning: OOCNESS, CRUDE JOKES, SHIT HUMOUR, OFFENSIVE TO MARY SUE LOVERS.
When Pigs Die
Chocolate hair, cowlicks flying everywhere, uniform worn in a daggy mess, Elsa de Luca was exactly what Hibari wanted to kick in the head. She had only been in this school for a week and already, just by looking at her Plain Jane face, it drove him mad. Several times he asked Kusakabe to do something about it, because as much of a dickhead Hibari could be, hitting girls with his own two hands was a no no. They even tried gathering (threatened) a group of female delinquents to chase her out, but we all know Mary Sues are nothing without their supernatural, FAN-TA-STIC, awesome fighting skills that will incidentally be the reason Hibari ends up turning into a pansy and falling head over heels for her…because for some irrational reason it turns him on when a girl can beat him up or give him a little slap on the bottom, thus turning him into a sadomasochist that sports BDSM. Creepy right? But all truth.
This particular morning, Elsa was invading the head prefect's personal space by annoying the crap out of him on the rooftop while he was trying to sleep, because you know, that's where love at first dodge happens.
Hibari unsheathed his tonfas at the sight of her (the fuck happened to no hitting girls?), and started lunging at her with swift movements and devilish eyes. The reason he'd suddenly converted to a raging-lunatic-girl-basher was because he needed to see Elsa's wonderful gymnastic skills of avoiding his attacks in order to find her INTERESTING. Mary Sues of the 18OC section aren't INTERESTING without this trait, or else they'd just turn into an Isabella Swan type of Sue, and frankly if you've got a story with a self-insert character like Bella, you shouldn't be posting it up in the first place, just save the trouble. Ignoring my fictional ADD and getting back to the point – this was the easy first step of attracting Hibari Kyoya's attention.
Elsa did a cartwheel. Then she did four backflips, a high jump, did a 360 degree revolution twirl on her toes, did the splits, rolled around on the floor, did a five minute contemporary dance routine and landed neatly on her feet. And Hibari's tonfa hadn't touched a single strand of hair on her head.
"Wao," he uttered, thoroughly impressed. No impressed wasn't the right word, he was mesmerized, the elegance of her movements, the butterfly jump during her routine, the way she predicted his attacks. She was…she was…capturing his heart already. Screw his cold persona that usually (if he was IN character) avoided complimenting people whatsoever.
But she's different, you know. She's different because…she's just different, and that's a good enough reason for him to turn Romeo and begin serenading her. Unlike all the other girls that have approached him, she's like no other, with her fighting skills she can provide him the painful pleasure that turns him on, her beautiful dodge was solid proof. It had him going: 'hit me baby one more time'. All he had to do now to win her heart was to angst like a boss, be jealous once she started talking to Yamamoto, and maybe do the dougie dance.
"I'm from the mafia, this is only natural. I have no parents, I'm a professionally trained assassin, my real name is Elsa Wasabi Honda Civic de Luca, my past is tragic, I'm so hot your eyes should be burning right now. You SHOULD be impressed, by the way, I think you're hot."
"Shut up. I'll bite you to death," because that was the only line he was capable of.
"Hibari Kyoya, are you breaking the boundaries of your emotionally unavailable self? Are you falling for me?"
"Really? I talked to Dino the other day, we're getting it on. Are you jealous?"
"By the way, I might as well tell you now, but I'm really the Horse Guardian of the Vongola family."
Hibari's eyebrow twitched. Why horse? What did that have to do with weather conditions? He'd forgotten to consider the fact these Mary Sues needed shitastic guardian names or else they wouldn't stand out.
"Are we together yet?" he finally said.
"Wait about 30 chapters, eventually we'll become a couple."
Yeah. Your typical 18OC summed up in 900 words. Don't be too offended though, I'm currently WRITING an AU 18OC myself…HAH (the irony).
...but if you ARE offended. Flame me hard.
Be safe, be well, spread the love.