The Female Companion Conundrum
SCENE ONE: LEONARD is driving SHELDON to work, morning.
LEONARD: I can't believe Penny and I are back together.
SHELDON: No one can.
LEONARD: And, I don't know what it is, but I have a feeling that it'll work this time.
SHELDON: She did seem more willing to sign the Female Companion Clause of the Roommate Agreement. This time, she merely rolled her eyes and signed instead of insisting that I perform an anatomically impossible feat. (after receiving a questioning look from LEONARD: ) She told me to shove my head up my own ass.
LEONARD: I see.
SHELDON: You sure can pick out some classy gals.
LEONARD: Yesterday, she told me that she'll be working a late shift tonight, so since we won't be able to see each other for supper, she's going to come by the university to meet me for lunch!
SHELDON: Oh, good grief! It's not enough that she contaminates our living space, but now she has to taint our place of work as well, the one place where a man of genius can find refuge?
LEONARD: It's not going to be a daily routine, Sheldon, it's just this one time. Can you behave yourself this one time?
SHELDON: Of course I can behave myself.
LEONARD: Let me rephrase that. Can you behave like a polite, well-mannered person who cares about the feelings of others?
SHELDON: Oh. Intriguing. If I do, then can you behave like a person who is incapable of being sarcastic?
LEONARD: (slight eye roll) Well played.
SHELDON: Thank you. Wait, was that sarcasm?
LEONARD: No. Besides, you like Penny, don't you?
SHELDON: She does provide a different social dimension to our group.
SHELDON: Did you not hear what I said? She provides a different social dimension to our group. I'm not comfortable with different social dimensions.
LEONARD: You're not comfortable with anything.
SHELDON: While the literal meaning of your statement is untrue, I understand that you are not speaking literally, but hyperbolically, and in that case, I must acknowledge the ring of truth that underlies it. After all, many of Penny's qualities that I find intolerable are similar to those that I find intolerable in you.
LEONARD: Are you saying that you don't like me, either?
SHELDON: There are no socially recognized terms that successfully translate my regard for you, except for the fondness one has for a household pet.
LEONARD: You like me the same way you like a pet? Like I'm the family dog?
SHELDON: No, perhaps even that's not quite accurate. My pets were far more loyal and obedient than you've ever been.
LEONARD: (opens his mouth to reply, but instead scoffs, parks the car, then gets out of the car, shutting the door behind him)
SHELDON: Also, my pets never started pointless conversations then left them unfinished.
(play theme segment)
SCENE TWO: The university cafeteria. SHELDON, HOWARD, and RAJESH are sitting at their usual table.
RAJESH: Where's Leonard?
HOWARD: (bitter) Probably playing hooky so he and Penny can continue their stint of make-up sex.
SHELDON: Leonard is waiting at the entrance so that when Penny arrives, he can help her navigate here to the cafeteria.
HOWARD: Penny's coming here? Here?
SHELDON: Apparently they can't meet later, so instead of forgoing the entire day's passing without each other, she's going to join him for lunch.
RAJESH: That's sweet.
HOWARD: It's not fair! He gets to come in to work and trot out his hot girlfriend to all his work buddies, while we sit here, just as pathetic as the other single nerds around here. He'll make us look bad!
RAJESH: Okay, first of all, the fact that he can get a hot girlfriend gives him the right to trot her out. Second, we're his work buddies. And third, I'm pretty sure that our height and our less-than-average muscle mass make us look bad.
HOWARD: Oh, come on, it doesn't make you the least bit resentful that, without even trying, he gets a hot girlfriend, and yet we, two equally eligible bachelors, can't get one even when we make an effort?
RAJESH: It's just been so hard seeing them broken up when we all knew they were supposed to be together. While other people are Team Edward or Team Jacob, I'm Team Leonard.
HOWARD: Are you saying you have a crush on Leonard?
RAJESH: No, I'm saying I support him, in the way that Team Edward wants Bella to end up with Edward.
HOWARD: No, girls are Team Edward because they all have crushes on Edward.
RAJESH: What do you know? You've never even read the books!
SHELDON: Good lord, considering the abhorred depiction of vampires in that melodramatic teen romance, I don't see how you can substantiate the importance of arguing about it at all.
RAJESH: It's not abhorred. It's tragically beautiful.
HOWARD: I'm going as Edward for Halloween this year. I've already ordered the body glitter. Women are going to be all over Howard Cullen.
SHELDON: I would avoid this mind-melting prattle by moving to another table, were it not for the fact that I claimed this table as mine by being the first to sit at it. Given that, I'd like you both to leave. (they just stare at him incredulously) Extinguish your torch, you have been voted off the table. (he chuckles) See, while I detest the loathsome exhibition of human nature known as the reality TV show Survivor, I knew that you would appreciate the humor. (they still stare) But seriously, I'm going to have to ask you to leave my table.
(HOWARD and RAJESH exchange eyerolls and rise with their trays to move, when LEONARD and PENNY arrive with their food; they then all sit at Sheldon's table together)
PENNY: Hey, guys!
HOWARD: Hey, Penny!
PENNY: Hey, Sheldon, how's it going?
SHELDON: Aside from lacking the necessary defenses to protect what is mine, I've had a fairly good day. I trust your menial way of life has likewise kept you in a pleasant state of contentment and minimal stress?
PENNY: (sarcastic) I'm fine, thanks.
SHELDON: You're welcome.
PENNY: So Leonard's already filled me in on what he's been doing today. Didn't understand any of it, but I smiled and nodded. How about you guys?
HOWARD: I've been building the structural prototype of a specimen cabinet needed on the space station to keep exact temperatures in multiple adjacent chambers. But then I found a piece of scrap metal that looked like a ninja star, so I put a target on the wall and spent the half hour 'til lunch seeing how many bullseyes I could get.
LEONARD: How many did you get?
PENNY: What'd you do, Raj?
RAJESH: (shrugs and nervously looks down at his food tray)
PENNY: Then…how about you, Sheldon?
SHELDON: I could tell you, but I doubt you would understand. Let's just say that I have once again succeeded in validating my life's purpose with my genius.
LEONARD: (warning) Sheldon…remember what we talked about in the car…?
SHELDON: I don't think I've spoken out of line. (assuming a polite façade) Penny, what did you do today?
PENNY: Well, I got to serve soup and salad to an Elvis impersonator.
SHELDON: You certainly do work in a wonderland of unusual and delightfully quirky characters. Have you ever considered keeping a blog of your Cheesecake Factory encounters?
PENNY: (to LEONARD) What's wrong with him?
LEONARD: He's trying to be a decent human being.
SHELDON: Yes, and Leonard is trying to be clever and sincere, but is failing on both counts.
LEONARD: (to PENNY) Let's eat in the lab.
PENNY: Good idea. (they get up with their trays and leave the cafeteria)
(HOWARD takes out his cell phone and starts dialing)
RAJESH: What are you doing?
HOWARD: Getting myself some arm candy to wear around the workplace.
RAJESH: Who are you calling? You don't know any arm candy.
HOWARD: Oh, don't I?
EDDIE: (voice from Howard's phone) Yeah?
HOWARD: Hey, Eddie, it's Howard…
RAJESH: (trying to talk over him into the phone) No, don't!
EDDIE: What's that about?
HOWARD: (while batting Raj away, keeps talking) I was just calling to invite you down to the university for lunch. The food's not bad if you don't look directly at it.
EDDIE: I'm kinda in the middle of a writing groove now…
HOWARD: It's just for a quick lunch! Oh, but could you wear something a little more girly, you know, so you don't look like a guy? (suddenly whips the phone away from his face as a loud noise issues from it)
RAJESH: What'd she say?
HOWARD: Apparently, she keeps an airhorn next to her phone.
SHELDON: Interesting. I keep a recorder flute next to mine. Mee-maw likes me to play for her when she calls.
RAJESH: (to HOWARD) What makes you think you get to have Eddie, anyway?
HOWARD: Because Leonard's got Penny, Sheldon's got…his mee-maw…and you can only talk to her when you're drunk.
RAJESH: That's not true! I can talk to her when I'm sober…sometimes…when she's on the phone…or sort of…dressed like a dude…
HOWARD: Yeah, but like one syllable at a time! I can actually have a conversation with her.
RAJESH: But your conversations usually end with her threatening to castrate you in some way.
HOWARD: Exactly! We have heat!
RAJESH: You have an athletic cup that you wear every time you know she's coming.
HOWARD: (scoffing awkwardly) No, I don't…
(RAJESH takes out his cell phone and dials)
HOWARD: What are you doing?
RAJESH: Getting some candy for my arm.
EDDIE: (voice heard through Raj's phone) Hello? He-llo?
EDDIE: Hey, Raj. What's up?
HOWARD: (into Raj's phone) He wants you to be his arm candy!
RAJESH: Shut up, you! You're the one who said "arm candy"!
(they continue to argue and tug-o-war with the phone)
SHELDON: Oh, just stop it! (they silence; he grabs the phone and talks into it) Hi, Eddie, it's Sheldon Cooper. You and I have become the unfortunate victims of two lonely scientists who seem bent on ruining our lunchtime tranquility with their obsession over the need to one-up each other. You see, Penny came to the university to see Leonard, leaving Howard and Raj inadequate and inferior by comparison.
(some noise from the phone)
HOWARD: What'd she say?
SHELDON: I'd rather not repeat it. But I will say that it was the sort of language that led my mother to wash out my mouth with soap when I was a child. To this day, whenever I hear such words, I can taste the Lifeboy. (winces and takes a sip of his drink; hearing something from the phone, he returns it to his ear)
RAJESH: Now what is she saying?
SHELDON: She made a travel suggestion for the both of you, but given its ambiguous existence and its reputation for being a place of misery and torture, I'd advise against it.
HOWARD: She told us to go to hell.
SHELDON: Yes. (returns the phone to Raj, then takes another sip of his drink, swishing it in his mouth to rinse out the "soap taste")
HOWARD: Way to go, you just ruined it for both of us!
SHELDON: I ruined nothing. You were destroyed by your own folly.
HOWARD: (gets up from the table) I'm going to e-mail her.
RAJESH: (gets up from the table) Not if I text her first!
HOWARD: Not if you don't have your phone! (reaches for it)
RAJESH: (holds it above his head) Jump for it, tiny little man!
(they continue to argue as they leave the cafeteria)
SHELDON: Finally, I can enjoy my lunch! (takes a bite of food, winces, takes a sip of his drink and swishes it) Stupid Lifeboy! (rises to dispose of his food)
SCENE THREE: The lab, where LEONARD and PENNY are eating their lunch.
LEONARD: This is nice.
PENNY: Yeah, it is.
LEONARD: Maybe I can visit you at your work for lunch sometime.
PENNY: Yeah, that would be nice.
PENNY: You know, I was thinking…I know Sheldon doesn't like when I hang around your apartment a lot, or stay over…
LEONARD: No, since you signed the Roommate Agreement, he'll be fine with it. Well, as long as you follow what you signed. But…it doesn't really matter if he's fine with it, because we're in a relationship, you and me, and he's just got to get used to it.
PENNY: Well, yeah, but I was thinking that it might be easier, I mean for all of us, if maybe you…stayed at my apartment for awhile…
LEONARD: What, you mean, like live together with you at your apartment?
PENNY: We could just try it for awhile, see if it works.
LEONARD: Are you serious?
PENNY: Yes. I am.
LEONARD: Well, great! Sure, let's try it!
LEONARD: I'll talk to Sheldon about it tonight.
PENNY: Tonight? We could wait until tomorrow and talk to him together.
LEONARD: Nah, I can handle him by myself.
PENNY: Are you sure?
LEONARD: It'll be no biggie. He'll love the idea, he'll probably even help me pack.
PENNY: You think?
LEONARD: Are you kidding? The first few weeks we were living together, he nearly auctioned off several pieces of priceless comics and memorabilia on ebay in order to afford his own place. If he were less attached to his Spock tricorder prop from the original series, you and I may never have met.
PENNY: Oh. Okay, then. I just thought that…I don't know. I mean, I know you drive each other crazy all the time, but I thought that you were still good friends underneath. Maybe deep underneath.
LEONARD: Just this morning, he compared our "friendship" to the relationship between a man and his pet dog. And even the dog turned out sounding better than me.
PENNY: So this really would be the best for everyone, then.
LEONARD: Yeah. It would. (big smile) We're going to try living together!
PENNY: Yeah! (kisses him)
SCENE FOUR: Sheldon's office, where SHELDON is staring pensively at a grease board. RAJESH is texting on his phone.
SHELDON: I really don't like these new markers you got for the office. The green is too teal. It doesn't create enough distinction from the blue.
RAJESH: (still focusing on his phone, answering blankly) I concur.
SHELDON: That's the last time you ever get to order our supplies. I won't even go into the erasers that just push the ink out of the way instead of taking it off the board.
RAJESH: I concur.
SHELDON: (snaps away from the board and moves to his desk) It's useless, I can't work under these conditions. (on his laptop) I'll order the proper supplies, and we can pick them up on our way home.
RAJESH: I concur.
SHELDON: Then we can use our spare time to do our weekly office cleaning. While I order the supplies, you get the dusting cloths and a fresh filter for the air purifier.
RAJESH: I concur. (curious, SHELDON watches him silently) I concur. (beat) I concur.
SHELDON: What are you doing?
RAJESH: I concur.
SHELDON: You force me to use regretful tactics, Dr. Koothrapali. (slides his chair over to the shelf where a portable stereo sits. He plays the CD inside, and Indian music blasts out)
RAJESH: (finally torn away from the phone, clasps his hands over his ears) Shut that off!
SHELDON: (turns off the music) Now that I have your attention, I'll endure the tedium that could have been avoided: repeating myself. I'm going to order new supplies…
RAJESH: You're not allowed to play that music anymore! It's in the Co-Worker Agreement we signed!
SHELDON: That may be, but the Co-Worker Agreement also states that I may take any action necessary to regain command of my office, in the event of a mutiny attempt.
RAJESH: I wasn't trying to mutiny you!
SHELDON: By ignoring me in favor of your phone, you displaced my power over your attention onto said phone. Such a rebellion constitutes a mutiny.
RAJESH: (his phone jingles, alerting him to an incoming text message, so he reads it) "Shut up or else"…I think I'm wearing her down.
SHELDON: (poises his finger over the CD play button) Retrieve the cleaning equipment, or I will be forced to consider this as more mutiny.
RAJESH: Sheldon, could you talk to Eddie for me and make her come down to see me? Otherwise, I'm going to lose her to Howard.
SHELDON: I don't understand why you expect her to comply with your request. She's not a scientist, and therefore has no interest in seeing where you work. She's not engaged in any sort of intimate relationship with either Wolowitz or yourself. Then there's the fact that she's busy working during the day, a concept that seems at the moment to be foreign to you.
RAJESH: You know, you have a point.
SHELDON: Of course I do, and I believe I just stated it. Three, in fact. Were you listening at all?
RAJESH: Eddie would come here to see me if she were my girlfriend, so all I have to do is ask her out before Howard does!
SHELDON: I smell a mutiny. (plays the music)
RAJESH: Turn it off!
SHELDON: Not until you get the dusting cloths and replacement filter! The balance of power will shift back to where it belongs!
SCENE FIVE: Leonard's lab. LEONARD and PENNY are sharing a "goodbye" kiss as HOWARD walks in.
HOWARD: (grins) Hey, kids.
(noticing him, they break it up)
PENNY: (to LEONARD, as she leaves) Bye, honey.
HOWARD: Bye, sugar. (as soon as she's gone, he turns to LEONARD) I need you to call Eddie on your phone for me.
LEONARD: What? Why?
HOWARD: Because she blocked my number.
LEONARD: What did you…? Never mind. No, I'm not going to call her for you.
HOWARD: Oh, come on! I can't lose her to Raj! What's this country coming to if all our jobs and all our women go to the illegal immigrants?
LEONARD: Raj is here legally, and if you could stop being delusional for five seconds, I could tell you what happened between me and Penny.
HOWARD: Really? You mean you're actually going to give me…details?
LEONARD: (ignoring HOWARD's implications) I'm going to move into Penny's apartment.
HOWARD: …And where's Penny going to live?
LEONARD: In her apartment.
HOWARD: And where is her apartment going to be?
LEONARD: Across the hall.
HOWARD: Across the hall from…?
LEONARD: (frustrated with HOWARD, he explains it more clearly) Penny is living in the same apartment she does now, and I'm going to live there with her. Penny and I are going to live together!
HOWARD: You're serious?
HOWARD: Oh, do you only have thirty days to live?
HOWARD: Did you get her pregnant?
HOWARD: While she was here, she accidently stared at a laser beam, was struck blind, and now she needs you to be her seeing-eye dog.
LEONARD: No! Howard, all that happened was that she asked me to move in with her, and I said "yes".
HOWARD: Oh. Well, hey, congratulations, buddy! (shakes his hand)
LEONARD: Thank you!
HOWARD: Can I just ask you something?
HOWARD: Are you out of your mind? You can't move in with Penny!
LEONARD: Why not?
HOWARD: Because then you'll be a commited couple! You'll have to compromise, which means you do everything she wants to do.
LEONARD: That's the same situation I've had with Sheldon for the past seven years. Compromising with Penny will be no problem.
HOWARD: At least you and Sheldon have some common interests. With Penny, you'll have to eat veggie burgers and watch reality TV while she talks about how grey is the new black.
LEONARD: It won't be like that all the time. She's come over to our apartment plenty of times to watch Star Wars and Star Trek and other things that I like.
HOWARD: That's only because you have Sheldon there to make it two against one. Well, Sheldon and the Roommate Agreement, so it's more like three against one. But when it's just you and her, you'll buckle. And while the rest of us are talking about the latest "Doctor Who", all you'll be able to talk about is…who got voted off of…"1984".
LEONARD: I think you mean "Big Brother". It's this show where… (HOWARD gives him a "see what I mean" look) Oh, come on! Not only would living with Penny be a dream come true, but anything is better than living with Sheldon!
HOWARD: You know, you're probably right. Anything's better than Sheldon, especially a fine specimen like Penny.
HOWARD: Doesn't matter that living with each other will make you see each other all day every day, and each day that goes by, she gets more and more bored of seeing you, eventually loses any desire to have sex with you, and eventually you come home from work one day to find her wrapped around the guy who delivers the meat to the Cheesecake Factory. Best wishes to you, pal. (pats him on the back and leaves the room; returns shortly after) Can I use your phone to call Eddie?
(LEONARD throws his empty lunch tray at HOWARD, who ducks aside in time to miss it)
SCENE SIX: The hallway between PENNY's and LEONARD's apartments. LEONARD comes up the stairs with his arms full of takeout. As he's unlocking the door, PENNY exits her apartment, locking the door behind her—she's dressed in her waitress uniform.
PENNY: Oh, hey, Leonard!
LEONARD: Hi! Going to work?
PENNY: Yep, just heading out. (gives him a kiss) So have you told Sheldon yet?
LEONARD: Not yet, but I picked up takeout and even stopped at the grocery store to pick up his favorite ice cream. After we're done eating, I'll tell him I'm moving out, and it'll be like the cherry on top.
PENNY: Okay, honey. Have fun. (heads for the stairs)
LEONARD: You too, have a good day at work. Well, night…more like evening…have a good time! (enters his apartment with the takeout, closing the door behind him; SHELDON is sitting at his computer desk) Hey, roomie!
SHELDON: (after a double-take of curiosity over LEONARD's greeting, he says) You got supper already? It usually takes you twenty-eight minutes longer.
LEONARD: Oh, I was just really hungry. (crosses and sets everything on the coffee table)
SHELDON: (crosses to the table to examine the food) Did you…?
LEONARD: I got you the broccoli with chicken—diced, not shredded, I checked before I left—I got the good hot mustard, and the low sodium soy sauce…
SHELDON: (looks at the chicken, the mustard, and the soy sauce to confirm) Yes, yes…yes.
LEONARD: And I even picked up a pint of Haagen-Daz rocky road ice cream.
SHELDON: What's the expiration date?
LEONARD: The latest one I could find in the grocery freezer.
SHELDON: Very good, Leonard.
LEONARD: You're welcome. Eat up!
SHELDON: Too good. In fact, one might ponder the possibility in which the "real" Leonard has been replaced with a replica of superior mental capacity, as has been the plot in a number of science fiction stories.
LEONARD: Are you afraid that there might be an alien host inside me trying to get to you?
SHELDON: No, fortunately I'm sensible enough to know fact from fiction. However, I have my suspicions.
(knock at the door)
LEONARD: I'll get it! (crosses to open the door, we can see that HOWARD and RAJESH are there, but he pushes them out and closes the door behind him) Not tonight, guys.
HOWARD: It's Halo and comicbook night.
RAJESH: Yeah, let's get this party started!
LEONARD: Look, guys, I'm moving in with Penny, and I'm telling Sheldon about it tonight.
HOWARD: And…what, you want to break it to him over a romantic dinner for two?
RAJESH: That's sweet.
HOWARD: What is with you? You want to join them?
RAJESH: Back off, man! I'm a romantic!
HOWARD: You're practically a woman!
RAJESH: Oh, and it's so much better being a womanizer who claims to be too big for his tiny little britches?
HOWARD: Don't you talk about my britches!
LEONARD: (standing between them) Hey, what the heck is going on with you guys?
HOWARD: We're deciding who gets to ask out Eddie.
RAJESH: And we decided that it should be determined on the Halo battlefield.
LEONARD: Eddie? You're fighting over Eddie? Guys, she's our friend. You're going to ruin it.
RAJESH: No, because I will make her happy.
HOWARD: The only part that would make her happy is the part where you keep your mouth shut, because you're too terrified to talk to her!
RAJESH: Oh, and you would make her happy with all your offensive jokes and your obnoxious pick-up lines?
HOWARD: If I'm so obnoxious, then how come you beg me to be your wingman?
(EDDIE comes up the stairs behind them without anyone noticing; she taps LEONARD on the shoulder to get him to step aside)
RAJESH: I never begged you!
HOWARD: You do all the time! "Oh, Howard, please help me, I can't talk to these girls, they don't understand my accent!"
RAJESH: You're such a racist douche!
EDDIE: (stands between them and bangs their heads together; they stop arguing) Hey, Odd Couple, break it up! Let me set this whole argument to rest right now: I've made a decision.
HOWARD: Good. Let him down easy.
RAJESH: (gives him the thumb-on-nose insulting gesture)
EDDIE: Give me your phones.
EDDIE: I want my decision to have a dramatic presentation. Gimmie. (they both give up their phones, and she holds one in each hand) I will smash the phone of the reject and spare the phone of the chosen one.
LEONARD: Oh, like in The Baron of Shadows, Issue 32, with the…
EDDIE: (smashes both phones against the floor, then stomps on them, then picks them up, opens up the elevator door, and chucks them down the shaft) Am I understood?
EDDIE: What the hell is up with you guys, anyway? I thought we were all friends. When did it turn into the devil's debutant ball?
LEONARD: I think I might have an idea. You see, Penny and I just got back together, and came to work to have lunch with me, and I think that's how they started fighting over you.
EDDIE: That's what Sheldon said. But why do you have to harass me about it, boys? (glowers at HOWARD and RAJESH)
HOWARD: Because I wanted a hot girlfriend to show off at work, and I don't know any other than you.
EDDIE: Look, guys, I do like being your friend, and I like hanging out with you, and if you want me to come over for lunch sometime, that could be fun. But I'm not some shiny new toy to show off to your playground pals because you're the first on your block to own one. So let me tell you, if this sort of day-long nightmare ever comes up again, you're both going to get the same treatment that I gave your phones. Okay?
EDDIE: Good. Now let's get inside and play some Halo. I'd like to virtually pound you both into dust. (puts her arms around their necks) You know, as friends. (RAJESH starts coughing, so she lets go)
LEONARD: Eddie, we can't have Halo night tonight. You see, I'm going to be moving in with Penny…
EDDIE: Oh, congrats!
LEONARD: Yeah, thanks, but I haven't told Sheldon yet, so I was thinking…
EDDIE: Oh. I read ya. (to HOWARD and RAJESH) Come on, boys. Mom and Dad need to have one last evening alone before they separate. We can go to my apartment and play Super Smash Bros. Brawl.
HOWARD: The Wii game?
EDDIE: Yeah, I just really need to virtually pound on you guys after today.
HOWARD: …Sounds fun.
RAJESH: (to LEONARD) Good luck!
(they leave; LEONARD re-enters the apartment; SHELDON is rolling the cords of two video game controllers to store them away)
LEONARD: Hey, buddy, that was Howard and Raj and Eddie. They can't make Halo night tonight because…
SHELDON: I know. I heard.
LEONARD: You heard? How much did you hear?
SHELDON: Everything, of course.
LEONARD: Damnit, I forget about your Vulcan hearing! So, you heard the part about how I'm going to be living with Penny in her apartment?
SHELDON: Of course I did. I told you that I heard everything. Have you heard a word I've said?
LEONARD: I just didn't want you to find out this way.
SHELDON: While I understand your belief that how you tell me will affect my response, I should tell you that I would react the same way in any circumstance.
LEONARD: So…what do you think?
SHELDON: I think that now, being unable to afford the rent on my own, I will be forced to go through a series of uncomfortable interviews with a slew of strangers, resulting in a new roommate with whom I will have to start all over again, teaching him the rules, walking him through the Roommate Agreement, and other such awkward and tedious expositions which unsettle my stomach at the mere thought of it.
LEONARD: Sheldon, I'm sorry that…
SHELDON: However, such a scenario is infinitely preferable to who-knows-how-many months of putting up with you and Penny in the throes of an intimate and carnal partnership.
LEONARD: So you're okay with this?
SHELDON: I'm so relieved that I want to watch Babylon 5 with you, just to celebrate the fact that it will be the last time it'll ever offend my senses!
LEONARD: Really? Great! I'll dish out the ice cream!
SHELDON: You do realize that we aren't really going to watch Babylon 5.
LEONARD: But you just said…
SHELDON: Yes, but that was just a joke. After all, it is Wednesday, and Wednesday is Halo and comicbook night. And while you still live here, you must commit to the schedule agreed upon in the Roommate Agreement.
LEONARD: What the hell—one more night with you and the Roommate Agreement! (he crosses to find a place to sit)
SHELDON: Leonard, since it's our last night living together, why don't you sit in my spot?
LEONARD: Really? You mean it?
SHELDON: Bazinga! (sits in his spot, they start playing Halo)