Sorry it took so long, university, sometimes I wonder if I'm on the right course at the right uni.


Confess and Accept

To be honest, I had felt guilty about killing Francis but I would've felt guiltier for killing Derrick, I had put that aside for the rest of his family. I hadn't really thought about it since then, I'd actually forgotten about Derrick and how snitching seems to radiate from him.

The kitchen was completely silent and I could feel myself have the beginnings of panic, I cut myself off before I could even get there. If Patrick properly blamed me for that then he would've shot me or said something back then or after the funeral. Then again when did Derrick tell him?

"…Okay." I said quietly.

"I was pissed at you for fuckin' ages, you not notice I didn't call you for weeks or you decide to be a gentleman and not say anything?" Packie spoke in a deadpan way so I had no idea what he was feeling or what he was going to do.

"I noticed but I thought you might be busy," I answered truthfully. I honestly hadn't made the connection that he could've found out.

"If Gerry knew he'd fucking kill you, you know that right?"


"Well you're lucky it was me Derrick told and not him. I got the whole story from him and he was a much to blame the spiteful bastard. He wouldn't have had the balls to actually talk to journalist about us McReary's but it was the threat of it that got Frankie riled. And our Frankie is a business man through and fucking through. Why didn't you call me and tell me what was going on?"

"I don't know…All I knew was both of them wanted to kill the other and they wanted me to do it."

"Well, I suppose if you look at it in black an' white, you killed the bad guy and saved the good one. Francis was a bastard and didn't care much beyond himself and lied a hell of a lot, Derrick was and still is a bastard who cares about heroin and lies a lot about himself. Nice shootin' there boy." He spat the last part out with a small snarl.

"I would've felt guiltier killing Derrick, he hadn't done anything to me."

"And Frankie did?"

"Blackmail and making me do his dirty work. Listen, I am sorry-"

"I know you are. And when I thought back on it I knew you were at the funeral otherwise you wouldn't have been there. And just to let you know Derrick told me a few days after we buried Francis, couldn't keep it to himself, too much guilt."

"Francis did care and so does Derrick."

"Derrick maybe, but fuckin' Frankie-"

"Yes, he has photo's of you in his office, he makes sure the police don't arrest you when you're drunk and starting fights or if they do they don't harass you, if an Irish car drives past the toll booth without paying they do nothing."

Packie said nothing to that.

"And Derrick? He cares in his own way too, he's just been away a long time and is fighting some of his own problems but if he didn't care then he wouldn't have told you about this and on that bank job when you were thrown to the floor because of that car exploding; he ran back to get you. I could've called you but I didn't, I am more to blame than Derrick is, I don't have an excuse other than killing people is all I know how to end fights like they had."

"Fucking hell man." Patrick mumbled quietly. "You really know how to lay on the emotions don't you?"

I remained quiet.

"And Katie?" His voice wobbled at her name. "Why don't you explain that while you're at it..."

"Pegorino shot her in a drive by but he was aiming for me, I had my arm round her, stood next to her. He missed me."

He had his head down again.

"It was quick, she didn't even notice." I didn't know how else to comfort him. "If you want to kill me-"

"You don't think in those few weeks I didn't line up to take a shot at you? I was this fucking close. Several times I coulda shot you in the back of the fucking head but I didn't."

"I suppose I should say thank you," I said, unsure of what else I should say.

Patrick mumbled something under his breath that sounded suspicously like a childish 'dur'.

"What?" I asked.

"Just shut up and make me some fucking coffee…"

I turned to flick the kettle on again and knocked the cup I had got for Patrick to the floor where it landed with a smash.

I heard Packie huff at me and I turned round, looking apologetic, to see a small smirk on his face, I could see a few tear tracks and his eyes were puffy showing the tears earlier however he seemed, alright since I unintentionally broke the mood, plus he's drunk; mood swinging seems to run in the family. I gave a small smile back to him and his smile lessened as he raised an eyebrow and spoke quietly.

"What you smiling at? You're buying another cup."