03/2017 - This story has been re uploaded to correct formatting issues and a few typos. As you may know, I'm doing this with all of my stories, but it was really hard for me to come back to this one to revise it, and reconnect with the death of the friend to which it was dedicated. But it was also really nice to see that, after six years, there's still people reading this story, it's like her memory lives on through this in a sense. Thank you all for that.
Hi guys! I know I should be updating my other stories, but I just had to write this.
This story is revised for my dear friend W.R. The plot is inspired by a true story, close to the both of us. This is our gift for that person
On a less grim note, I seriously hated myself after I wrote this, so I'll understand if you readers hate me a little too, just don't forget to review telling me about it.
Warnings: Character death. Characters may be a bit OoC.
This is rated T just in case
Would you believe me?
I'm laying on the bed that used to be ours, I'm hugging the pillow that used to be yours. It doesn't smell like you anymore, I can only imagine your scent now. Not even that small pleasure can be mine again. How many nights have I done this? How many hours have I laid awake on this bed, wishing I could go back in time? Before you drifted away from me, before the only thing that united us was a title.
I can say so many things to myself in an effort to erase the guilt that comes with this pain. I'm young, I don't know what love is, I was new to this world when we met, I honestly think, until this day, that two men cannot be together... I could continue, but it's useless, I know they are only excuses, and what I did cannot be forgiven. I made you wait, gave you false hope, kept you by my side as only a friend, even when I knew you wanted more.
I know you'll say you forgive me, but I will never forgive myself. Now, there's nothing else I can do, I have no right anymore. I know you are waiting for that moment, to finally give up. I don't have the strenght to claim you, so that is what I have to do.
I have to let you go, I have to lie to you and tell you that I do not love you, that I do not want to be with you, that I don't dream about you at night, that I don't miss the sound of your voice calling me a cheater or a wimp. I have... for the both of us, I have to let you go.
But you are my best friend, you are my strength and my anchor to the ground, you are the most important person in my life. How can I look at you and tell you this? if I told you that I am in love with you, but I'm too scared to actually be with you, would it hurt less? Would it make it easier for you to forget? No, it wouldn't, I know you don't want to give up on me.
The only thing I can do is hurt you, hurt you enough for you to hate me, for you to leave me, for you to eventually forget me.
I will never forget the look you gave me, the sorrow clouding your beautiful eyes. The strong, determined and proud soldier that I once met, was torn to pieces before my eyes. God, what have I done?
I'm crying, I think I'm on the floor but I don't care. My heart is breaking, my whole body aches, I feel as if my soul was exiting my body through every tear leaving me lifeless and moveless. It was so hard Wolf, you will never know how hard, looking at you cry and not wiping your tears, looking at you fall to the ground and not catching you, seeing your body shiver and not holding you.
I wanted to take it back, I wanted to pretend nothing had happened, but I couldn't. Every single moment my tears were threatening to fall, my heart was pulling me towards you, but my choice was made. I was regretting it already, and I know now that I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I had to do it, it was the best, it was for you Wolf, so you can, some day, be happy with someone who will be proud to have you, someone strong enough to do what I couldn't all these years. You are now free, we both are, even if I don't and will never feel that way, I will never be free of you, I don't want to be.
When I was leaving and had my hand on the doorknob you asked me if I ever loved you... would you believe me if I told you I only pretended not to notice the shaking on your voice? if I told you my legs almost gave in, for the pain that struck my chest? would you believe my heart was screaming yes when I calmly said no? would you believe me if I told you I didn't look at you, not because I didn't care, but because if I saw your face, I would've broken down?
Am I a complete idiot for doing this? Are my prejudices really worth this pain? All I wanted was for you to have a shot at happiness, because I know I never will. I wasn't able to accept you, to accept the me that loves you. The me who looks at your golden locks and your emerald eyes and couldn't care less if you are a man. The me who wants to feel your heat against my body in bed every night and hold you tightly in my arms.
Somehow I know this is the right thing to do, I was only using our engagement to keep you close to me, to keep you by my side. But you weren't by my side any more, you were drifting away from me, you did it slowly, thinking I wouldn't notice the small changes, the way you stopped chasing me around, the way you started to spend more a more time away, until finally, all there was between us was that word that you didn't even use anymore.
Will you cry yourself to sleep like I'm doing it now? Or are you stronger than me even for this? You probably are.
I'm surrounded by so many people that lurk around me only for my status, for my powers, for this stupid black hair and black eyes. There was only one person that loved me for who I am, and now, that person is happily chatting with some noble women at the other side of the room. Was he always like that before he met me? Being able to enjoy a ball like this?
Wolf, all this years I thought you hated this parties, but what you hated was to see me dance with other people, right? to see me flirt and laugh with anyone that wasn't you. I now it now, I'm feeling it. Is this how I made you feel? Unloved, unnecessary, undesirable... replaceable.
Only six months have passed and you seem so happy. Did I really meant that little to you? Were you lying when you said you loved me?
I hate myself for feeling like this. Of course I never wished for you to suffer, to cry in a corner for the rest of your life... but still, I can't help it. I'm jealous, I'm hurt and I'm still so very in love with you.
Conrad is looking at me with a smile, a pity smile. He knows how I feel, I never told him, but he knows. He must think I'm an idiot too. To be honest I think everybody knows, they had always known, even before I did. They were also waiting for the moment I would end your suffering, but they never expected me to do it by releasing you.
I saw the disappointment in their faces, the anger and the resentment, only you don't resent me, you are such a better person than me, Wolf. But now, all I see in their eyes is pity. I would prefer them to hate me, they should hate me, I was the one who broke both of our hearts Wolf, it wasn't you.
Even now, even after all I did, even after all I didn't do, you still care about me. You stay by my side because you know I would be lost without you, because I can't run this country alone. I am a wimp, even if you don't say it anymore.
Have I always been this clueless? Only when you stopped calling me that, I realized it was your own unique way of showing your love for me. Only when you stopped being you, did I realize I was breaking you. I was such a selfish idiot, I was so blind Wolf, I think somehow I still am.
A group of women have been chasing me all night, I dance with them, I smile, I flirt, I keep up the facade, I keep my mask on for you Wolf, for you to feel free. Because the only one I want is the one that I cannot have. Because the one I want is the one I had and pushed away, because the only one I want is you.
I saw you with her in the courtyard yesterday, you looked so happy and full of life again, like all the damage I've done to you was being washed away by her smile. It made me so happy to see you like that, and, at the same time, my heart tore.
I know that this was my choice, I know I was the one who pushed you away. And yet, I can't help but to feel this isn't fair. I can't help but to feel betrayed. Would you say I'm an idiotic wimp if you knew I resent you for being with a woman instead of a man? Yes, I think you would. I can't even begin to understand it, but it's the truth. You are a gentleman to her, you treat her with care and respect, you cherish her... and I can't stand it.
My heart is begging me to step away, to send you away to your lands so I don't have to see your happiness with somebody else. But at the same time I can't drift away, I can let you go. Even if we are only friends, even if I can only touch you when you brush against me by accident, it's fine, I can stand it, as long as you're still here.
I feel so miserable Wolf, even when I know I have no right. Even if I wanted to, there's nothing I can do now. You have someone else, you are happy, happy like I never saw you before, like I never was able to make you. Hearing you encouraging me to get a girlfriend is so surreal, smiling back at you is so exhausting. It drains me, it's slowly killing me.
It has only been a year, maybe less, but it feels like an eternity. I've tried, believe me, I have tried to find somebody else. But it doesn't matter who it is, they're simply not you. I couldn't ask that from anybody, you set the bar too high, that's the reason I'm alone Wolf, it is not what you think.
I know you feel as if I'm restraining myself because I don't want to hurt you, because you believe I'm too kind. You're wrong, you are completely and utterly wrong Wolf. I'm not kind, if anything, I'm the exact opposite. I want to find somebody so you can move on with your life with no guilt, but I just can't, every person that comes near me ends up hurt, I don't cherish them like you cherish her, and they feel it. That is the real reason.
This whole kingdom thinks their King is incapable of love, and maybe they are just right. My mother once told me that in order to love another, you must first love yourself, and I certainly hate myself since the day I dissolved our engagement, maybe even before that.
I still can't believe you remembered about that promise. We made it so many years ago. I made it actually, to you. When I read your letter my eyes were filled with tears. Even if we hadn't seen each other in over a year, you still think of me, you made me so happy Wolf, you'll never know how much.
When you left to the Bielefeld lands my heart broke for the second time in my life, but I knew it was what you had to do. Nothing was tying you to Blood Pledge Castle anymore and you had your duties as a soldier, I always loved that part of you, so stubborn and loyal to your country above all, so proud of the honor you had gained thanks to your own work, to your own abilities, not your family, not your connections, not your status.
Besides, as much as I hate to admit it, the fact that you left that woman behind was comfort enough for this selfish man, who hasn't been able to forget you even through the distance and time. Your voice still rings on my ears with the wind, your eyes still hunt my dreams at night and I feel your scent in every flower I pick.
I know you must be on your way here already, and I hate myself for having to break this promise to you. All those years ago you made me swear I would go with you as your date to this ball. The celebration of the harvest that is held only every four years. We didn't get to go to the last one, I remember you were holding a fireball in your hand when you made me promise. I would've promised anyway you know? I really wanted to be able to promise you the entire world, if that was what you wanted.
I'm on the carriage that will take us to the place we will be staying at, as long as we are in Caloria. This trip was important, although it was not urgent. However, we had already set the date of our departure for the day before the harvest ball.
I never thought I would be able to hurt you again, but apparently I was wrong. In your eyes were a mixture of so many emotions when I told you I would be leaving the same afternoon you got to Blood Pledge Castle. I recognised most of them, you were angry, disappointed, sad, and maybe, just maybe I saw a glimpse of something else in those emerald lakes.
Could it be possible that I'm not too late? could it be possible that you still feel something for me? Do I even have the right to be asking myself this questions? I have to be honest, I panicked, it is true that this trip was planned before I even knew you were coming, but I could have perfectly decided to leave a couple of days later.
When I received your letter I was so happy and when I finally saw you my heart almost jumped out of me, it was too much. I was afraid of what I would do if I went to the ball with you. I was afraid of what I would feel, if you still feel something for me Wolf, even if it is the slightest of love, I don't know what I would be capable of doing. But if you really don't, I could never recover from losing you twice. I have always been so selfish Wolf, I was just afraid to suffer again.
I'm so sorry Wolf, maybe, just maybe, If you'll let me, we can try again once I come back... could you ever believe in me again?
I'm running, I don't know where I am, I don't know where I'm going, but I don't care. This isn't real. This can't be real, it's too cruel to be real. You can't do this to me, you can't leave me like this. I won't stop running, not until someone tells me that this isn't true, not until I wake up from this nightmare.
Wolf could you ever forgive me? Would you believe me now if I told you that I love you? how I wish I could at least try. Will I never hear your voice again?
It's my fault Wolf, I left you there alone, I broke my promise, I could have protected you, I should have protected you.
Oh God I love you so much and I never told you, you never knew, I didn't even had a chance to say goodbye, not even had a chance to see you one last time.
All this time, I told myself that letting you go was for the best, I was such an idiot, I wasted years, entire years that I could have spend with you by my side.
I never told you how beautiful you looked every morning with your golden hair all over the place and your legs tangled in your nightgown. How I loved the way your eyes would lit up with passion when you were angry. How it always amazed me that your body was so slender and yet so strong, I love every bit of you.
Fuck, he's gone...
I think I'm screaming, I don't know anymore, my legs are not responding, I can't keep myself standing, my heart is aching so much that I can't breath, I'm choking between sobs and lack of air. I don't care, I really don't care if I suffocate. I just was to cry, to scream, to rip my chest apart and release this pain, to let my anger take me down and the entire world with me.
I hadn't noticed I was still holding the ivory parchment, I even have the white lace it was held with. This piece of paper was really just capable of ruining my entire life? can a simple piece of paper really hold such a cruel destiny?
I don't know how to tell you this, I know there is nothing I can say to ease the pain that this news are going to bring to you, but just know that you count with all our support and I'm here for you.
Forgive me, but I think the best way is to say thing bluntly, because you deserve to know.
The morning after the harvest ball Lord Wolfram von Bielefeld was found dead on the forest, near the castle, he was raped and murdered, the culprit is yet to be found.
The burial service will take place in two days from tomorrow, I know this letter will only arrive to you in a week and I'm truly sorry for not being able to postpone it until you come back.
Between Wolfram's things was a letter Shibuya, and it is addressed to you, I hid it from his family when they retrieved his things, it is sealed and it is waiting for you at your room.
I'm so sorry Yuuri
Your letter will wait forever Wolf, I will never open it, I refuse to say goodbye, I refuse to accept this. If only that can keep me tied to you forever, then so be it.
In loving memory of A., an angel that passed through our lives too quickly, but marked them forever.