Author: eponinesghost (EppieG)
Title: I Want To Kiss You All Over 10/10
Disclaimer: Characters belong to the creators of Rizzoli & Isles. No infringement intended.
Notes/Summary: Well folks, we're finally here ... the last chapter. References Seasons One & Two.
Fuck the whole roller coaster concept, Jane felt more like she was on one of those spinning Tilt-a-Whirl rides. And she needed to get off. Immaturely, she reminded herself that she was pretty close to doing just that before she pushed Maura away.
Maura, Jesus … she couldn't look … not just yet. She needed to brace herself somehow. Her stomach was churning. Feeling like she was on the verge of hyperventilating, Jane bent over, crossing her arms in front of her protectively.
"Please … please don't be mad …" She hoped she'd said that out loud.
"I'm not mad … take a deep breath …"
Jane risked a glance to confirm what she was hearing and was relieved to see Maura's face the picture of concern, her eyes sympathetic. She nodded and concentrated on inhaling in and exhaling out, trying to calm herself.
It made her slightly sad that Maura was obviously holding back … wary of spooking Jane further by touching her in any way.
"I don't know why … It's not you …" She straightened up, running both hands through her hair, leaving them on either side of her head, as if she could squeeze out an explanation. "I swear, Maura … it's not that I'm still upset …"
"It's okay, Baby … I'm not going anywhere."
Jane let her hands drift down slowly, simultaneously afraid that she would burst into tears yet again or break into a stupid grin. Maura could have given her a shot of morphine and valium and it wouldn't have done more to soothe her than what she'd just said.
"You called me 'Baby' …"
"Oh … is that all right? I meant it as an endearment … I wasn't referring to whining or overreacting, because you most certainly aren't …"
Jane was suddenly, ridiculously shy. "Um … no, it's fine. Great actually." She ducked her head and drew a slow arc on the floor with her toe. "I liked it."
She could hear the smile in Maura's voice. "Just talk to me, Jane."
Moving carefully toward the counter separating her kitchen from the rest of the apartment, Jane leaned back against it, hoping for some extra stability. When she faced Maura this time, she was prepared to be as honest as possible – considering that she didn't really comprehend what was going on.
"I'm scared, Maura, and I don't know why. I believe everything you've told me, so it's not that I think we're still navigating that minefield." She was searching for any way to explain this.
"And it's not that I don't feel the same way … want the same thing. Because I want … you … so much …"
"That frightens you because …" It was more of a prompt than anything else.
"Jesus, I can't … I wish I …" Jane closed her eyes and shook her head. "I guess it's irrational. Intellectually I know you aren't going to hurt me, but I was so sure before …"
"And then you were blindsided."
"Yeah, and I get it, Maura. I promise I do. But because I had gone so far … left so much of me exposed. I didn't think I would survive it." Her voice had gotten very, very small.
"Well, I don't! You came here and gave me … us … another chance. Everything I thought had been ruined or lost can be recovered. And I can't let that go. I don't think I would survive that either. But …"
Jane wished with all her might she was as articulate as the woman in front of her. It only increased her frustration that she couldn't adequately describe her internal wrestling match.
"So much of tonight, I was angry at myself, questioning my judgment and my sanity. Wondering how I could have ever gotten myself into such a painful situation. And now, even though I know the truth, even though I accept all of it, I don't think I can trust my decision making ability anymore. Not so soon after … And I hate it. Hate what it's doing to me right now. Hate that I just can't …"
"Shhh … hey … look at me."
It was amazing how grounded Jane could get just by making eye contact.
"Sometimes reactions have nothing to do with rationality and reason. B. F. Skinner's experiments with Behaviorism show that. Powerful and predictive influence can be gained by introducing negative or positive stimuli …"
"Like touching a hot stove …"
"Exactly. You've had an incredibly traumatic experience tonight, Jane. And your body is sending you warning signals that your brain hasn't had a chance to countermand."
"I don't want it to be this way. But I don't want go ignore it and have my twisted insecurities convince me later that it was just pity sex ... I don't want to have pity sex with you."
She held up her good hand before Maura could speak. "I know it's not … I mean, I know that it wouldn't be … Jesus!" She raked her fingers through her hair again.
Maura took several seconds to process Jane's remarks.
"Under the circumstances, your hesitation is totally understandable. And there is no reason for us to figure everything out tonight. In fact both of us could probably use some rest." She opened and closed her mouth, as if she was second guessing herself.
"Just to clarify … you said that you didn't want to have 'pity sex' with me. Does that mean that you do still want to have sex with me?"
Jane's face turned beet red. "Geez, Maura!"
"Well, there have been too many assumptions and misunderstandings. I told you before that I should have just come right out and asked about things, so that's what I'm doing. I think we both should."
As much as Jane might have agreed, she was so uncomfortable at the moment that she couldn't even manage to nod.
"So, do you?"
Rolling her eyes, Jane blurted out a hushed, "Yeah."
In Jane's estimation, Maura was enjoying this entirely too much. "Yes, I want to have sex with you." Her tone was nearly robotic and most of the sentence was spoken out of the side of her mouth. Even still, she didn't appreciate Maura's quiet laugh.
"I'm glad that's so funny to you." She was no longer shaky, but damn was she grouchy.
"You know - it is! You can rattle off a string of expletives that would make a longshoreman blush, or use the most erotic language when you're trying to seduce me, but you can't just state outright that you want to have sex with me."
"Yeah? Well maybe it's because I know that having sex doesn't mean the same thing to you as it does to me!"
As embarrassed as she was, Jane hadn't meant to lash out like that. She was as surprised by it as Maura appeared.
"So, now we're getting somewhere." Without really changing her posture, Maura seemed to withdraw a bit. "You want to take this to the next level, but you're skeptical that I'll be as invested as you are."
Jane had never wanted to lose an argument so badly. She didn't know what to say. She couldn't deny Maura's assertion. Instead she stared at her black and blue palm.
"It's completely natural that you would have doubts, Jane. And that you'd try to shield yourself from further pain. Your hand isn't the only thing that was bruised in all of this." Her expression softened. "Tell me what I can do."
Sighing heavily, Jane whispered, "I wish I knew. More than anything, I wish I knew."
Maura shrugged, for the first time since she'd arrived showing a glimpse of defeat. "You said that you didn't trust yourself to make good decisions …" She didn't wait for a response. "Do you trust me, Jane?"
"As much as I've ever trusted anyone."
With a tiny smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, Maura acknowledged the honesty in Jane's answer. "Then I'm sure we'll be able to work this out."
All of the equilibrium Jane had regained in the last few minutes was starting to disappear. She detested the helplessness and heaviness that seemed draped over her. Maura's words had been designed to be encouraging, but they made Jane's heart thud ominously.
As terrified as she was to push the envelope, she couldn't stand the way everything seemed to be slipping through her fingers. She couldn't bear the distance she was already creating between them. Screw her phobia about showing weakness …
"You told me that I meant more to you than any career … " Swallowing before she could finish, she unconsciously crossed her arms again. "What would you do if I wanted to move to Atlanta to get away from my family? Join the APD, get a fresh start?"
Jane had caused herself a great deal of grief by unnecessarily comparing herself to Giovanni. Now she was inviting more by comparing Maura's decision not to follow Ian to Africa to … whatever was unfolding now.
Without missing a beat, Maura took a step toward her. "First I would have a long talk with you to determine if you were serious. And if you were, I'd call some colleagues I have at the CDC, inquire about a position there. Then I'd contact real estate agents." She finished with a wry look. "You would have to tell your mother."
As moved as she was, Jane couldn't help but chuckle at Maura's last comment. "Maybe we could just call her once we got there."
She was nearly dizzy with relief. She'd taken what she'd considered a huge risk and nothing terrible had happened. In fact, just the opposite had occurred. She thought back to the extreme confidence she'd been filled with as she rang Maura's doorbell. Why had that been so effortless? How could she get it back?
It had been easy then because she'd had plausible deniability. Like people who lose all their inhibitions when they drink. If they are called on anything, they can always claim to have been under the influence and therefore not responsible for their actions or statements.
If Maura had been offended, insulted, or worse still, amused by her attention or advances, she could have always blamed the character she was supposed to be portraying.
Now she was basically performing without a net. But why the hell did she need one? Maura had patiently spelled out her feelings, making anything Jane said or did welcome. She had what amounted to an open invitation. No matter what, she was safe. With Maura she would always be safe.
And that realization was astonishing. Empowering. God damn life-altering.
"Hey Maura … "
"The way you just blew in here, ordering me around and making sure that I heard you out … that was totally badass."
Maura brightened immediately, pleased by Jane's compliment. "So I can keep the key?"
"Only if you'll use it whenever you want …"
Jane was drawn toward her, taking in the way her hair was still tousled and sexy-as-hell from where Jane's hands had been earlier. The only flutter inside her now was caused by how desperately she craved being tangled up with Maura again.
She felt ten feet tall as she invaded Maura's space … guiding her backwards by placing her hands lightly on her hips. Easing them both toward the wall. Completely electrified by the echoes of their shallow breathing.
Just as Maura's back touched the wall, Jane braced her hand against it, splayed to the right of her head. Leaning closer, she toyed with a strand of Maura's hair, keeping at least a few inches between their bodies. She could die happy just diving into the depths of those eyes, but she had so much more to do …
"Who am I?" Her voice sounded foreign to her, so dramatically affected.
Maura blinked slowly, wetting her lips. "Detective Jane Rizzoli."
Smiling and groaning at the same time, Jane murmured against her mouth. "Good answer."
She shuddered as Maura's fingernails grazed her scalp, putting all of her "I'm sorry's" into this kiss. All of her assurances that this was exactly what she wanted, without a doubt, without hesitation, without holding back. Repeatedly underscoring the sentiment with deeper and deeper kisses. Nearly transformed by the freedom she had to explore and express.
Before she could irrevocably succumb to temptation, she drew back, her eyes piercing and black. "Look at me." Now it was her turn. Her stomach dropped to the floor as Maura's gaze met hers.
"I don't just want to have sex with you … I want to fuck you till you scream."
She smothered Maura's whimper with another fervent embrace, escalating the temperature and demand. Pressing her body into the wall, feeling the tremors transfer back and forth between them. This was real. And it was unbelievable.
Gasping as she felt Maura slide her hands inside her back pockets, Jane buried her head against the side of her neck. Biting and nuzzling her way up under her ear, capturing her earlobe between her teeth and worrying it with her tongue.
"Maura …" She was speaking directly into her ear now, her breath causing uncontrollable shivers. "I want to get you naked and lick you … but not your face."
Maura's sharp squeal quickly dissolved into uncontrollable giggles. She clung to Jane as she recovered, her breath still wavering as she kissed her cheek. "You're terrible."
"Don't judge. I haven't even gotten started yet." Damn this was going to be fun.
As she swiped her tongue across Maura's swollen lips, she couldn't help but imagine them blazing across her body, sending her into a frenzy … Her hips rocked forward, hard, pinning Maura against the wall.
"OH … God … Jane …" Her hands were locked firmly behind Jane's head now, pulling her closer, kissing her almost violently.
It was so intense that Jane felt her knees began to give, her legs barely supporting her. She was lost. She wouldn't last much longer. Hell she might even pass out. Sliding both arms around Maura's back, she came up for air.
Panting roughly, she pleaded. "Maura … take me to bed, or lose me forever …"
Startled, Maura framed Jane's face with her hands as she drew back. "Really?"
Cracking a lopsided grin, Jane was still struggling to breathe normally. "No Sweetie, it's a line from 'Top Gun' ..." When Maura still looked blank, she added, "You know … the movie."
Having her own issues with breathing, Maura shook her head. "Not familiar with that one."
Kissing her forehead, Jane gathered her securely against her. "Then we're going to have to watch it." Almost as quickly as she had pulled her in, Jane's hands slid to Maura's hips and held her out away from her again so that she could catch her attention.
"Oh! Oh! I have an idea … the next time we do any of this pretend stuff …"
Trying to keep up, Maura interjected. "I believe when you are referring to anything sexual in nature it's called 'role play' …"
"Whatever. Anyway, the next time we do any role playing …" She raised and lowered her eyebrows suggestively. "I get to be the hotshot fighter pilot and you can be the uptight instructor."
"Do they fuck?"
Jane was completely gob smacked. She'd never heard Maura curse before, much less use the mother of them all. It stunned her even as it made her wetter.
"What? You're the only one who gets to say it?" Maura waited for Jane to speak, but she was still shell-shocked.
Nudging with her hips, she prodded. "Well, do they?"
"Um, yeah. A lot. All the time. Like rabbits." Jane was starting to love all of this directness.
"Then I'm in."
Jane drummed her fingers just out the window on the side of the car as she waited impatiently for the crossing guard to give them clearance. She was taking her sweet time. Frost was busy fiddling with his new iPhone in the passenger seat. At least it wasn't raining.
Her eyes were automatically scanning the sidewalks and surrounding area, which is how she spotted Giovanni before he was close enough to see her. Jesus. That's all she needed.
She was somewhat surprised that his presence didn't really provoke her like it might have. But then again there was no reason it should. He was definitely no threat. He was just a big dumb kid she had grown up with and who was kind to her mother. She called out as he ambled in the direction of the car.
"Janie! Hey! You look hot."
She heard Frost clear his throat.
"Thanks, so do you." She grinned. Now it sounded like Frost was beginning to cough.
"Thanks! Hey … how's Maura?" Jane was tickled to death that hearing him say Maura's name didn't make her want to punch him any more.
"You know what …" Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed the crossing guard waving them forward.
She added a wink to her inflection and waved as she stepped on the gas, studiously ignoring Frost's inquisitive expression.
Jesus Christ, if they only knew.
thanks for reading!
I know that some of you want to injure me in some way for not explicitly covering the full naked NC-17 'hotsex' portion of the story. (Just don't break my fingers – I don't have one of those dictation devices.) My defense is that it just didn't feel right here. And that I have to save some things for other stories that I want to write Again, you have my sincere appreciation for your interest and feedback and interaction. Let's do this again sometime …