Ronald Weasley, Ace Attorney
A Harry Potter Fanfiction by Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based parody. Harry Potter is the property of J. K. Rowling and Warner Brothers. Please support the official release.
After the final battle...
Hermione: All right Malfoy family, you're all under arrest.
Draco: What? But-But we changed sides!
Harry: What's your point?
Lucius: We-We're allies! What possible reason could you have for prosecuting us now that the Dark Lord is dead?
Harry: How about the Muggleborns you've murdered or authorized the murder, imprisonment or torture of? Or how you participated in maintaining Tommy's old networks of friends and kept his prejudices alive? Just because you changed teams in the middle of the game doesn't mean you don't face the consequences.
Hermione: Besides, maybe you'll be found innocent of wrongdoing. And to facilitate that, guess who we've gotten as your lawyer?
*Ronald Weasley enters, now dressed in a garish dragon skin suit and tie*
Ron: Just call me Ronald Weasley, Ace Attorney! *He poses dramatically and grins. Harry and Hermione roll their eyes*
Draco: ... All right! I confess to everything! I'll go to Azkaban!
Ron: As your attorney, I strongly advise you to not say anything. It would be bad. Good for me though because then I won't be annoyed.
Draco: I CONFESS! I CONFESS!
Lucius: Draco, shut up! Weasley, how the hell did you get appointed as a solicitor?
Hermione: The only real requirement to pass the bar under Voldemort's reign was "Must hate Harry Potter".
Harry: You hate me, mate?
Ron: Legally, yes I do. You wanker. Now then, shall we start with the... Um...
Hermione: Investigating the case?
Ron: I was going to ask where the courtroom is. Also, will there be food? I'm famished.
Lucius: Oh bugger me.
Harry: Well... I suppose this does at least take my mind off how truly rotten a day this has been...
Ron: What? Harry, we defeated Voldemort and saved the world! How could this be a rotten day?
Harry: Two reasons...
FLASHBACK! To Snape's death scene...
Snape: "Let me stare into the eyes of the one I love while I die..."
Harry: "Um, wow, this is awkward... And creepy."
Snape: "And maybe if you could change your hair to red..."
Snape: "Bugger." *DIES*
Harry: (shudders) "Out of everyone who I've seen die... This is among the most traumatizing."
Hermione: *Pats Harry on the shoulder*
Ron: Well, that is pretty damn traumatizing...
Harry: *miserably* There's more.
Hermione: A lot more...
FLASHBACK! To a few minutes ago elsewhere in the castle...
Harry: "So Ginny, wanna go snog?"
Ginny: "... Um, Harry, about that... In the last year you've been camping-"
Ginny: "Camping, Neville's shown he is a total badass. I mean, he organized a resistance movement, fought evil wizards, and endured horrible torture without a whimper."
Harry: "What are you trying to say?"
Ginny: "I'm saying I want his babies, Harry. So... Bye!"
Trelawney: "... Well I didn't see that coming."
Ron: Oh... Ow. Man Harry, I am so sorry...
Harry: *sighs* Thanks Ron...
Ron: ... So! Who wants food? I want food! Let's go eat before the trial and stuff! *He heads off, the Malfoys in very reluctant tow*
Hermione: ... Remind me again why I like him? Like... At all?
Harry: How am I supposed to know?
Lucius: Well, surely this can't be so bad. If Weasley was made a solicitor then surely they could only get someone equally incompetent for the prosecutor.
Ron: I can hear you, you know.
Ron: Do you not have an inner monologue or something? And is it because of your hair?
Lucius: My what?
Ron: Draco doesn't have an inner monologue either.
Lucius: Of COURSE I have an inner-wait, what?
Hermione: Malfoy, you wanted to see me, so what is-?
Draco: I AM NOT SEXUALLY AROUSED BY THE THOUGHT OF YOU SPANKING ME!
Hermione: ... *Backs away. Slowly*
Ron: See what I mean?
Lucius: ... That's not due to a lack of an inner monologue, that's due to my son being a moron.
Ron: Oh! There's the prosecutor now.
Andromeda: *smiles* Hello, Lucius. This is going to be fun.
Lucius: My sister-in-law?
Ron: Well, look on the bright side: She could be the judge.
Lucius: And who is the judge?
Court Officer: All rise for the honorable Judge Mounir Dob!
Lucius: Mounir Dob?
Dobby: *Apparates into the room, wearing a powered wig and over-sized block robes, a sock over his gavel* The people will please be-a-seated.
Ron: Ah, Lucius, you shouldn't pound your head into the table like that, it'll disrupt the proceedings...
Lucius: All right... Let's ask some basic questions. Do I get a jury of my peers?
Ron: Yeah, you do... But according to Statute 55.3 dash 2, they must have two generations going back who are in fact magical and since pretty much everyone who fulfills that requirement is in jail...
*The Jury is made up of Neville, Susan Bones, and several Weasleys*
Lucius: Ah... Well. I see...
Dobby: As they are all Purebloods, their testimony is to be treated as twice as valuable as that of a half-blood! His Royal Lawfulness Dobby hereby says bleached ex-master will have speedy trial! As ordered by law 334 dash 9! It will take no longer than one hour! Does bleached ex-master have any objections?
Lucius: Well, given I wrote most of those statutes so I don't see how I can.
Dobby: Good! Councillor Andrommy, be making opening statements!
Andromeda: Thank you Your Honor. As will be proved by documents kindly provided by Narcissa Malfoy under the "All Documents That Could Be Used Against Me Are my Domain" statute to the Minister of Magic, Lucius Malfoy knowingly and willingly signed the execution orders of innocent Muggleborns based on the racist philosophy of Lord Voldemort for his own political gain. His changing sides does not change this fact. I believe he should therefore be sentenced to Azkaban for the rest of his miserable life, if not outright death. Opening statement concluded.
*She sat down, there was much applause*
Ron: Ahem... *He rises, wiping crumbs off his shirt. He walked to the center of the courtroom* Ladies and gentlewizards... Yes Lucius Malfoy was a servant of Lord Voldemort-Twice. Yes he was a murderer who lied about being under the Imperius, yes he tried to kill Muggleborns with the Diary of Lord Voldemort in second year, yes he signed execution orders and menaced children and yes he is pretty much a mincing racist murderer...
Ron: But let's consider the good things about him.
*Silence... Silence... Silence...*
Ron: ... He changed sides when he saw his side was losing.
Lucius: *Beating his head against the desk*
Ron: And doesn't that count for something?
Ron: Yeah, I didn't think so either. Defense rests. *Sits down and looks over at Lucius with a smile* We've got this in the bag.
Lucius: At the end, I can only blame myself... And you.
Ron: Thank you!
*Meanwhile, in one of the holding cells ...*
Pansy: Hi Potter.
Harry: Hey Parkinson. *sighs*
Harry: A bit, yeah.
Pansy: *Holds up her handcuffed wrists* Well, we all have our problems.
Harry: What are you being charged with? I mean, aside from selling me out.
Pansy: Okay, you know, I really do regret that-
Harry: *dryly* I'm sure.
Pansy: -AND I am fully prepared to make up for it.
Pansy: Spare me and I will be your love slave.
Harry: Oh come on, you really think that I would take Draco's sloppy seconds?
Pansy: FOR YOUR INFORMATION, Potter-Draco never touched me, not even when I got Daphne and Tracy in for a foursome.
Pansy: He was not remotely interested in any of us, just in Granger because he wanted to be spanked.
Harry: ... Not as surprising as it should be.
Pansy: So yes, I am untouched, desperate, and truly regretful.
Harry: Well... Um... I'll think about it...
Pansy: *sigh* Oh for Merlin's sake... *She drops to her knees and opens his pants*
Harry: Wh-What are you doing?
Pansy: It's called "giving you an incentive." And don't worry, I've practiced constantly on the snake statues in the Slytherin common room. They're the only things that would stay hard for us...
*In another room in the Ministry of Magic, Hermione entered to look on the body of Fred Weasley, covered up by a sheet. Solemnly she sat down and watched over him as requested by Molly Weasley while she was on jury duty. It was the least she could do.*
*Presently, George enters the room and walks over to his brother. He taps his forehead*
Hermione: Uh... George? What are you doing?
George: Fred... Fred, come on, wake up!
Fred: ... *stirs* Ugh...
Hermione: Huh? Wha...?
Fred: Oh blimey... *He sits up and rubs his chest* That really hurt!
Hermione: WHAT? But-But-But you're dead! YOU'RE DEAD!
Fred: I am?
Hermione: YOU WERE!
Fred: Ugh... Tastes like it. Draught of Living Death has a pretty awful aftertaste...
George: Guess we'll have to fix that...
Hermione: ... You didn't... You absolutely didn't prank everyone into thinking you were dead! YOU DIDN'T!
Fred: Course I didn't!
George: That would be absurd.
George: Not funny.
Fred: Well a little funny.
George: More of an exit strategy really.
Fred: Or level up provocation.
George: Mum did kill Bellatrix Lestrange after hearing you bought it.
Hermione: So wait... You faked your deaths with... *She ripped open Fred's shirt and saw badly damaged Muggle body armor under it* Kevlar?
Fred: Woah hey, easy there Hermione!
George: He's a bit sore.
Fred: But if you're up for a romp later~
Hermione: *SLAP SLAP!*
Fred: GEEZ! I was just DEAD woman, would you relax?
Hermione: You... You... You...! What about everyone else who died, huh?
*The Twins look at each other and back to Hermione*
Fred: Like who?
George: We sold this stuff via secret catalog.
Fred: Lots of orders.
George: Hundreds really.
Fred: Little pill of Draught of the Living Death stuck behind their molars.
George: And kevlar vest.
Fred: Pretty good against Avada Kedavra.
George: Lots of other spells too.
Fred: And you can escape being Crucio'd too.
Hermione: And you could get the vests because... Gold is worth a lot more in the Muggle world than it is here!
Fred: Kind of neat, that.
George: Here we're paupers, there we're princes.
Fred: Lot more pretty girls too.
George: And the Internet.
Fred: Mmm... Internet...
George: And supermarkets.
Fred: Among other things. It's all fantastic.
Fred: We'll be rolling in money!
George: I'll be rolling, Twin o' Mine. You're dead.
Fred: Oh yes. Have to fix that.
George: Minor bother really.
Fred: Mum... Will kill us.
Fred: Oh well.
George: Hey Hermione? Care to be partners?
Hermione: What was that last one-?
George and Fred: Nothing.
Hermione: It was not nothing you-!
*Molly Weasley enters*
Molly: Hermione, first trial is over and...
Molly: I WILL MURDER THE BOTH OF YOU! *Sobs and hugs them both to her chest* YOU LITTLE MONSTERS!
Fred: ACK! MUM! MUM, HANG ON!
George: URGH! He just stopped being dead...!
*Meanwhile... Draco's part of the trial has begun*
Draco: I... I demand a different attorney! It is my right to have representation I choose!
Dobby: Was right.
Andromeda: Ministry Declaration of Rights, Revised Edition 665: All wizards have the right to an attorney as appointed by the court so as to secure greater freedom and security for them.
Draco: Who wrote that ridiculous law?
Ron: Your dad.
Draco: ... DAMNIT FATHER!
Lucius: *Being held in chains in the audience* Bite me you pansy.
Lucius: You heard me. For seventeen years it's always been "Father this!" and "Father that!" and "Why can't I beat Harry or Hermione?" Whine whine whine! You're a pansy, a twat, a whiny little GIRL!
Draco: B-But... But...!
Lucius: NO BUTS! Since I'm done for anyway I might as well try being a father for the first time in my life! You're a spoiled, selfish, stupid ponce and I wanted to call you Deborah when you were born because I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GIRL! There!
Draco: *sob* No, Father, why...?
Lucius: See? SEE? See what a girl he is! He even wanted Granger to be his dominatrix!
Draco: NO! NO I DIDN'T! IT'S ALL LIES!
Andromeda: I would like to enter into evidence Draco Malfoy's personal diary as Exhibit G, Your Honor.
Dobby: Dobby approves!
Ron: OBJECTION! I believe I should read the diary first, given I am in fact his advocate!
Dobby: If do that, we will be here for days.
Ron: OBJECTION! I'm not that stupid! Besides, it's not fair to put all of Draco's dirty laundry out before his attorney sees it!
Dobby: Very well.
Draco: ... Weasley, I really have to say, you've surprised me. You're actually willing to go to the mat for me?
Ron: Well, kind of my job being a good guy and all. Even if you are a pansy-
Draco: I'm NOT a pansy!
Ron: Right, okay... Anyway, I shall begin reading at once!
Draco: ... Weasley, aren't you going to... Call for a recess or something?
Ron: Hm? No, I'm just going to read it in front of the court. *He stands up and goes to stand in the center of the court, facing the audience*
Ron: "Dear Diary. Granger punched me today outside because of hippogriff's death. I immediately ran back to my dorm to wank off, imagining her hitting me again and again, calling me a bad boy..."
Draco: *foaming at the mouth, being held back by Aurors* WEASLEY! WEASLEY I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!
Ron: *Skipping ahead several entries* Aha, one from last year: "Watching her open that package I sent of a leather corset was the hottest thing I've ever seen. Cannot believe she's into Weasley. Must prove I am a better bitch than he could ever be." Oh, hey! I can be just as much of a bitch as you!
Bill: Oh yeah, definitely.
Ginny: Without a doubt.
Neville: Certifiable fact.
Ron: ... I hate you all.
*In Pansy's cell...*
Harry: Oh... Oh... UNGH! Uhh... Uhhh...
Pansy: Mmm... *Gulp* Haa! Well... Mm... You taste pretty good, Potter.
Pansy: I don't have any other references... But I've heard a lot from those gossips in Gryffindor...
Harry: *Grips her shoulders and shoves her onto the table*
Harry: Pansy... Do you know how long it's been since I had sexual relief?
Pansy: Um... I couldn't begin to-
Harry: ONE. WHOLE. BLOODY. YEAR.
Harry: I was either sharing my tent with Hermione, a girl I see as a sister... Despite never having one... Or Ron. You have ANY IDEA how AWKWARD that was JUST ONCE?
Pansy: Ah, Potter-
Harry: And now I'm locked in the same room with a hot, willing, albeit evil girl. What do you think I'm going to do?
Pansy: The same thing a sexually frustrated Slytherin girl would do. *Grabs his shoulders* Shag the hell out of you.
Harry: Damn right.
*Outside the cell door...*
Dennis: Damn! Do you hear that?
Nigel: I sure do. Harry's killing that Slytherin! Listen to her scream!
Dennis: Should we do anything?
Nigel: Why are you questioning anything he does? I thought you and your brother were totally devoted to him.
Nigel: *winces* Oh. Sorry.
Dennis: *sighs* This is going to be the worst yearbook ever...
*Ronald Weasley was taking advantage of the recess to do some important work with his clients.*
Ron: Come on, how can you lot be angry with me? I don't exactly have a lot to work with. You can't bribe me, you don't have the money to bribe me even if I would take bribes, and everybody basically hates you.
Draco: It doesn't mean you have to humiliate us!
Lucius: *sneers* What, by telling the truth?
Draco: G-Go to hell Father!
Lucius: Already there.
Narcissa: Ahem. Mr. Weasley.
Ron: Yes Mrs. Malfoy?
Narcissa: Am I being held on any charges?
Ron: No official ones...
Narcissa: Can you at least ensure Draco doesn't hang?
Ron: I might... I mean, it is pretty hard to think he deserves death after reading through his diary.
Narcissa: For that I can only blame myself. I let him be dominated by his father and he craved female domination.
Draco: MOTHER! I'M RIGHT HERE!
Narcissa: Yes, and I was right there when Ron was reading your diary... Which I handed to them, by the way.
Ron: So... Your entire evil plan was to ensure Draco looked like the puss he is so he wouldn't die?
Narcissa: I was merely submitting it to be thorough in due accordance with the law.
Lucius: *growls* You couldn't have done something for me?
Narcissa: *coolly* I would point out your performance in bed, but it would have been a very small file.
Lucius: Maybe if you weren't so frigid you'd have more experiences.
Narcissa: Ha! You wouldn't know what to do with a woman who isn't under Imperius!
Narcissa: Needle Dick!
*The two reach across the table and kiss ferociously, before knocking all the stuff off the table and making out on top. Ron and Draco look at each other*
Draco: *Looks extremely traumatized*
Ron: Ugh... Let's go get some lunch, huh?
Draco: How can you talk about food at a time like this?
Ron: It's lunchtime. And it's lunch, or watch your parents shag. You know what, I could just leave you-
Draco: LUNCH IT IS!
*Meanwhile, with Hermione and the Twins. Hermione is sitting on the table between them as they all eat.*
Hermione: So, now that you're no longer dead... What are you going to do? After eating...
Fred: Mmm... Well, we'll go back to business.
George: I've already got new ideas. I mean, these anti-Avada Kedavra vests work wonders!
Fred: But now it means criminals can use them with impunity.
George: So we'll need to come up with a counter as things escalate.
Hermione: *wryly* You could always wear a mask.
Fred: Superheroics twin o' mine.
George: Still kinky. See Watchmen?
Hermione: Wait, you've seen Watchmen?
George: Well yeah. Wizard pop culture is... Well...
Fred: It blows.
Fred: I mean we've only got like one or two major bands.
George: And maybe one or two singers.
Fred: And our comics are pathetic.
George: And our novels are mostly...
Fred: We don't have any.
Hermione: Good point... *sighs* I'm so disillusioned about the magical world.
Fred: The magic's not the problem, it's the people.
Hermione: I suppose...
Fred: Mmmm... Man, I'm sleepy... *He laid back, bringing Hermione back down with him*
George: Same... *He laid back on her other side and sighed*
Hermione: N-Now hang on a second-!
Fred: You're cuddly...
George: She is cuddly isn't she?
Hermione: What are you doing? Come on, I'm not a teddy bear!
Fred: I was dead. Can't you let me just cuddle you for a while, like friends?
George: Yes, friends.
Hermione: Well... Um... I guess it wouldn't hurt...
Hermione: Ah... Oh dear... *She tries to get up, but they both hug her more tightly* ... Well... At least they don't snore...
*And now with Harry and Pansy... Maybe a few hours later... There, they're finally taking a break...*
Harry: Haaa... Haa... How was that?
Pansy: Ohhhh... Mmmm... *cuddles up to him* I wish I'd done this sooner... After watching you in the locker room...
Harry: Wait, what?
Pansy: Oh, yes... There are peepholes in the Quidditch locker rooms, magic ones. You can watch the showers or the changing rooms. Merlin, I can't tell you how many times I just wanted to sneak in while you were scrubbing off, jump you and have my way with you...
Harry: You still tried to hand me over to Voldemort, you know.
Pansy: *sighs* Yes, yes I did... I'm very sorry. Really sorry.
Harry: ... Not just because we had sex, right?
Pansy: Well... It did help...
Harry: *sighs* That's still kind of hurtful.
Pansy: Aw... I'll make it up to you, my dear. *Slips down*
Harry: I don't think that you can really change my mind with... With... Ohh... Okay... Maybe you cannn...!
*At the commissionary...*
Draco: Look Weasley... What are you going to do?
Draco: You're not just... Just going to let my father die, are you?
Ron: Considering you didn't show much care about my family dying, I have to admit I'm pretty heavily tempted.
Draco: Yeah, well... Would that actually be justice?
Ron: Kind of hard to talk about it when you're a raving coward, isn't it?
Draco: ... *bows his head* What if I begged?
Draco: For my life. For my family's life. Would that do it? Would your pride let you do it if I was here, humbling myself before-
Draco: What? Why are you laughing?
Ron: You know... Before? I would have considered it... I'll freely admit I'm not that bright, bit of a pride filled ass... But I think I've grown up a bit, having the fate of a guy's life in my hands and a code of honor and all that rot.
Draco: ... All right, who the bloody hell are you? You're not Weasley, he's as dumb as a box of rocks and as shallow as Voldemort's grave.
Ron: What? I can't have some character growth?
Draco: Hell of a time to get some after seven years of being a twit.
Ron: Oh, look whose talking Daddy's Little Ferret!
Parvati: *passing by, rolls her eyes* Just make out you two...
Padma: *Ditto* If you're going to do this...
Draco: I AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT NOT GAY!
Ron: Your hair care products suggest otherwise.
Draco: SHUT UP!
Ron: This isn't really encouraging me to defend you or your father more, Draco. In fact, you suffering like this is...
Draco: ... Is what? Tell me Weasley!
Ron: *grins* I think I know how to save your father.
Ron: Don't talk. Thinking.
Draco: I'll be here a while then, huh?
Ron: Shut up.
*Later in the courtroom, the final arguments were going to be made...*
Dobby: Prosecutor will be making final arguments now!
Andromeda: *She rises* Thank you, your honor. Ladies and gentlewizards of the jury and audience... I could once again go over the exhaustive evidence, the fact most of you have seen the fruits of Lucius Malfoy's labors, or even ask you to use simple common sense: Should this man be allowed to live for the crimes he and his comrades visited upon our society? I believe he should not. The Deatheaters must all die, every one. Purge them from our midst, and allow the future to be the inheritance of those willing to work. Otherwise, you invite this to happen again. And again. And again. Thank you. *She sat down*
*Amidst the applause, Lucius was looking green. Ron was scribbling something down on his papers and looking through a dictionary.*
Dobby: Harry Potter Sir's Wheezy? You have closing argument?
Ron: Actually yes, I do. Ahem.
*He rose and walked to the center of the room, and turned around. Lucius tried to hold his head high*
Ron: There's no disputing Lucius Malfoy did all those horrible things, ordered those executions, supported Lord Voldemort, is a smarmy git... But let's think about the culture that produced him. He was born to power but he did work hard for it, I'll give him that. He learned how to use money for power, how to use magic, how to do all of these things but still act polite in public, to be reserved. He was the face of the Death Eater culture... But he was a rarity.
*Ron took a deep breath as the courtroom watched, spellbound*
Ron: In fact, none of this refinement is present in the younger Death Eater generation. To be frank, they're all a bunch of self-entitled, spoiled gits who threw around spells or had to be coddled by a biased potions professor. They're all horribly insecure and lashed out because of it. I mean, look at Malfoy. All his riches and his name and a normal Muggleborn kept beating his arse every single time. He tried to be Harry's rival. *snorts* Rival with a half-blood orphan who had more power, more character, more real drive than him.
*Many of the audience members were silently casting spells to check and see if this was the real Ronald Weasley*
Ron: Voldemort sought to use this society, it's corrupt, racist, arrogant uppercrust to gain ultimate power, because let's be honest. Most of them had nothing else going for them but their blood and their titles. Strip them of that, and they've got nothing. Unearned arrogance and elitism.
*Ron spun around dramatically, and pointed a single finger up at the ceiling*
Ron: Therefore! I propose that this mob, this lost generation, need someone to teach them what it really means to work. To earn things, not just be given them. Lucius Malfoy must be that teacher. He must put his skills of hard work to use productively. To be polite, to be disciplined. He needs to fix this society, or this will happen again. *He looked directly at Lucius* So, here's what I think should happen.
*Lucius's jaw was literally on top of the table*
Ron: Lucius Malfoy must invest 98 percent of all his money into the wizarding economy. He must teach young people how to run businesses, how to start businesses, how to manage accounts and act responsibly. Muggleborn, Pureblood, Halfblood, doesn't matter. He will teach this generation, under the proper supervision, how to actually make money and earn their keep. I know many Muggleborns with great ideas for how to make money in this society and how to make it better-Lucius Malfoy and others like him will make sure they get their chance.
Dobby: ... His Lawful Highness Dobby is confused at Wheezy's idea! Why offer it?
Ron: Because, if we just put him and the rest of the Deatheaters to death, and leave their children, you're still stuck with a really stupid, inbred generation who will raise up their children to take revenge. And we'll get the same cycle, over and over again. This way, he will rebuild Wizarding society into something better. Serve us, better alive than dead. *He offered a winning smile* And best of all... He'll have no money, no title and he will have to deal with generations of annoying children for the rest of his days.
Ron: Thank you. *He sat down*
Dobby: Jury! Your verdict?
*They talk amongst themselves, before Ginny stands up*
Ginny: ... Throw in a burlap sack he has to wear and no access to his wand forever, and you have a deal.
Dobby: Guilty! *Slams his gavel down* But penalty is as Wheezy said it!
Andromeda: *shrugs and smiles sweetly at Lucius* Well... I'm only mildly disappointed but I suppose seeing your face like this is worth it.
Lucius: *Gaping in sheer disbelief, even as photographers snap photos of his face*
Andromeda: *Pays one of the photographers, and receives a copy* This is going in my bathroom...
Ron: Haha! Look! I won my very first case! Who's going to say I'm an idiot now, huh? Huh? Hey Lucius, aren't you happy?
Lucius: ... *sighs* Lifelong community service in a burlap sack... *thinks it over* Could have been worse.
Draco: WHAT? Father you-
Lucius: Shut it Draco. *Looks at Ron* I was seriously considering adopting Weasley for a moment and I want to enjoy it as long as possible before reality sets in again.
Draco: But... But...!
Ron: Oi, shut it Ferret!
Narcissa: Yes ferret. Shut it.
*Later, Ron goes to find Harry, and finds he's been in Pansy Parkinson's cell for the entire trial*
Ron: *knocks on the door* Harry! Hello? Harry, hey! I won my case, believe it or not! Hey Harry! HARRY!
*He opened the door and entered...*
Ron: ... What the... Bloody buggering hell...?
Harry: Oh... Um... Hey Ron. Uh... I need to ask a favor?
Ron: *Staring* What... Why are you...?
Pansy: Mmm... Shagging her?
Ron: Yes, yes, that.
Pansy: Because I'm sexy, he's sexy, and we're both sexually frustrated.
Ron: But-But Draco-
Ron: Ah... All right then.
Harry: By the way Ron, can you get Pansy off?
Ron: HARRY! I-You-I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU! ... But I won't do that!
Harry: No no no, I mean in a trial! Get her to go free?
Pansy: Mmm... And Tracy Davis and Daphne Greengrass too?
Ron: Um... Why?
Harry: *Big Grin*
Ron: ... Ah. Right. Stupid question. Um. I'll see what I can do?
Harry: Lovely... Can I take her home with me for the night?
Ron: Ah, Harry... I'm just a lawyer...
Pansy: *rolls her eyes* Use the "Release Prisoner" paperwork to do it. It was established in cases where a Pureblood wanted to take home a hot prisoner as their concubine. It only requires a small fee.
Harry: ... So the Ministry was engaged in prostitution... Not surprised.
Ron: Me neither. *Writes out the form and hands it to Harry* That'll be thirty galleons please.
Harry: Ah, they're in my pants-
Ron: I'll... Just get it myself, thanks.
*SOme time later, Pansy and Harry head off to the other cells. Ron stares after them for a while, but shrugs*
Ron: ... Sweet! Thirty galleons! There's a dinner with your name on it! *He heads off*
*The next morning, Fred woke up in a much better mood than when he'd first woken up from being dead. This was helped by being back in his flat above Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. However, he didn't know the entire reason why.*
*He then noticed he was naked.*
Fred: ... Well, that's a bit strange.
*And that his brother George was also naked, laying across from him on the bed*
Fred: ... Also strange, but not as... *He reached out and felt something warm and soft, and squeezed*
Fred: *sigh of relief* Phew.
George: Oh. Good morning brother of mine.
Fred: Good morning.
*They looked at each other, then down at the naked Hermione curled up between them*
Fred: ... Shagged her in our sleep.
George: Well, seeing how neither of our arses is sore, I'm guessing we didn't shag each other.
Fred: Yes. Moving on.
George: Do you think she'll be mad when she wakes up?
*Hermione purrs as Fred strokes her hair, and snuggles up between them more*
Fred: Maybe a bit, but we can fix it.
George: Eh, he'll get over it.
Fred: *nods* We can teach him not to make an arse of himself.
George: We've been trying for a while.
Fred: Hm, true. Maybe we could teach him to use his arse-ness to his advantage.
George: He is a lawyer now.
*Meanwhile, at Grimmauld Place...*
Harry: Mmm... *Wakes up* Man, that was a strange dream, I... *He stared at the naked Pansy in bed with him, then poked Pansy a few times in the shoulder*
Pansy: Nngh... Not again, Potter... I'm too tired... Go back to sleep you pillock... *She snuggled closer to him*
Tracy: *sits up with a smile* I think I could go for another round~...
Daphne Greengrass: *Laying passed out, cutely snoring in Harry's lap*
Harry: ... Nope. Definitely not a dream.
*And again we move, to the Burrow*
Ron: *yawns and sits up* Hwah... Man, I'm tired. How much did I eat last night?
Luna: About as much as I did, Ronald.
Ron: Oh, well-AH! Luna! What are you doing here?
Luna: *Cheerful smile* We got into an eating contest. You won then passed out, so I brought you home and watched over you all night.
Ron: ... I'm feeling... Creeped out and immensely flattered right now.
Luna: Good. Me too. By the way... *Whips out a fedora with "Press" on it, and a notepad and pen* Now that you've committed Lucius Malfoy to eternal community service, will you do the same to the rest of the Death Eaters?
Ron: ... Wait a minute, did you just take me home to get a scoop?
Luna: Of course not Ronald. I did it because you're my friend and because I want a scoop. I fold my ulterior motives in with my genuine motives.
Ron: Ah, well, that makes me feel much better. Well then, what do you want to know first?
The end... For now.