Helen Magnus couldn't remember her childhood. She had been alive for so many decades that concepts like past or future no longer carried a meaning to her. The present, the very day she was breathing in, was all that mattered. It was the only way to survive. To survive to her friends, her lovers and her daughter.
The human mind, even hers so brilliant, couldn't handle infinity.
Like everyone else Helen had needs, but she had banned desires from her life. She couldn't bear the pain they always came with.
And sometimes she made the mistake of thinking that everybody else had done the same.
The team was back from the mission. The world was a safer place, and they could slip in their usual routine.
Helen hadn't talked to Kate about that day because she didn't feel there was something to talk about, but she had noticed a coldness from the girl that she wasn't used to. She hoped that once Kate was ready she would have come to her.
A week later the guys were out for dinner and Kate was eating in front of the TV. When Helen appeared at the door, the girl murmured something unintelligible and kept her eyes on the screen.
"I've been waiting for you in the dining hall."
"I told Biggie." Kate answered, still not looking at her.
"He didn't tell me anything."
"Too bad." She shrugged.
"Kate, do you know it is possible to be angry and polite at the same time?"
"Why do you think I'm mad?"
"So I'm right, you're angry."
The girl finally turned and saw Magnus leaning on the frame with her arms crossed. "Do you think I should be?"
"I can't imagine any good reason."
"Then I'm not." And she turned to watch the TV again.
Helen sighed and walked inside. She took the remote and turned off the screen. "Talk to me."
"No!" She tried to take the remote back but Magnus threw it on the couch at the other side of the room.
Kate stood up and faced Magnus. "I have nothing to say to you."
"Actually Kate, you have to."
"Because whatever it is, it's affecting your work and I'm your boss."
"Yeah, in the bedroom too." She smiled weakly and only the bitterness in her eyes kept Magnus from slapping her.
"Is this your problem? That we had sex?"
Kate blushed, her bravado completely gone. "It's... I... Listen doc, I don't wanna talk about it. I wouldn't even know where to start. But I can handle it and I will."
Helen looked at her sweetly. " I'm here, Kate. Let me help you."
"With a nice shag like last time? That's the way you're gonna help me?"
Helen stiffed. "I just wanted you to know how important you are to all of us."
"You could send me a fucking note!" Kate screamed.
"You misjudged my attentions."
"I didn't! I knew what you were doing, that's why I said no!"
"You said yes."
"I said yes because you were all over me and I got confused!"
"So you did like it." Helen bent her head slightly, trying to understand what Kate wasn't capable of saying clearly.
"Of course I did!"
"So you're angry because you liked it." Helen paused. "That's nonsense."
Kate felt her rage hot inside. She closed her fists and tried to smooth her breathing. But Magnus was looking at her with curiosity, like she was some kind of freak and it hurt. She wanted to run, to fight; she wanted those beautiful eyes to stop staring at her. Those beautiful, beautiful, blue eyes. The wall she had been building in the last days fell down and Kate snapped.
"You know what? You're right, it's nonsense. Let's just do this your way, Magnus. Let's fuck away the problem." She grabbed Helen and pressed their mouths together, but Magnus pushed her back so hard she lost her balance and fell on the couch.
"Wow, Doc. I thought you liked it rough."
"I like it consensual." She said coldly and headed for the door.
As soon as Kate was able to understand what she had done, she stood up, following Helen. "Doc! Doc!" But Magnus didn't stop, so she reached out and caught her arm. She realized her mistake when Helen turned fast, took her hand off and twisted her arm behind her back. And suddenly Kate was trapped face first between Helen and the wall.
"How many times do I have to tell you to be polite?"
"I'm sorry, doc. I swear I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me but I'll fix it, I promise."
Magnus didn't move but eased her grip. "I don't want to hurt you."
"And I didn't want to hurt you then."
"I know." Kate whimpered.
"You're not going to cry, are you darling?"
"No." But she sniffed a little.
Helen leaned on her, resting her head on soft black hair. "It's going to be all right." She kissed her gently on the cheek and let go of Kate's arm. "Do you want me to move?"
"Then I'll stay as long as you wish me to." She slid her hands on Kate waist, her lips caressing Kate's neck. "I'm here for you, Kate. But maybe we should stop." She nipped her skin slightly. "If it makes you uncomfortable I'll understand." Helen licked her lobe and took it briefly into her mouth. "I'd do anything to make you feel better" She bit her neck a little bit harder. "Even let you go."
"Don't." Kate moaned.
Helen smiled. "Turn around."
The girl slowly obliged. Helen's eyes were dark and looking straight into hers. Kate's hands ran up her body. When she cupped her face, her fingers shakily stroked Helen's features. Then she kissed her.
Helen didn't force her; she let the girl take her time and her own pace. Kate lost herself in the kiss, really tasting Magnus for the first time. It was intoxicating.
Kate unbuttoned Helen's shirt and took it out of her pants. She kissed the newly exposed skin, exploring Magnus' body with her hands. She grabbed her belt but then stopped and looked up to the taller woman. Helen nodded, smiling, and Kate opened the belt. She undid the buttons of Magnus' leather pants but then she stopped again.
"What's wrong, Kate?"
"It's... It's so different."
"And you don't like it?"
"No, I do. I just don't understand."
Helen took her chin up and kissed her passionately. Pressing her against the wall, easily opening her legs with her knee, pushing her weight on her centre, making her moan.
She slowed down the kiss until she could whisper on her lips, "Don't you want me, Kate? You can take me."
Kate eyes widened. She kissed her again but this time ferociously. She grabbed Helen's waist and brought her down against her hips.
She turned them both and threw her against the wall with too much strength but she didn't notice and Magnus didn't care.
Kate bit her neck, her breast. Her hands pushed down Helen's pants and panties. She bent her knee to push the clothes away and pressed her thigh between Helen's naked legs.
Kate flinched only when she finally touched Helen's sex. She was so wet that Kate marvelled Magnus hadn't let out a single moan from the very first moment they started kissing.
"Kate." The girl looked at her. "Now."
And Kate slipped two fingers inside Magnus. It felt so good.
Kate saw Helen bite her lower lip and started thrusting.
"More, darling." Kate added one finger. "Yes, just like that."
Helen's head was bent back and her clothes stuck messily on her damp skin. Her eyes were shut and when her lips parted Kate thought she had never seen anything so beautiful.
And the words slipped out. "I've forced myself not to think about you, not to feel the longing. I've fought so hard not to ruin everything. And then you came into my room just to show me what I can't have."
"What have you done, Magnus? Was it worth it?" She didn't let Helen answer and kissed her hard, consuming her lips until she could feel a faint flavour of blood.
"This won't happen again and we'll forget it ever did."
Helen could see in Kate's eyes that the fear and uncertainty were finally gone. She smiled, glad she had been able to make up for her own lightness letting the girl gain her strength back.
"But now, doc, I wanna taste you." Kate fell on her knees and let herself melt in Helen's sex.
And when she came, Magnus couldn't help thinking that yes, it had been indeed worth it.