Tell Me A Story
Written By: That Person You Wanna Punch
Summary: Ever since he was a small boy, Snape just wanted someone to tell him a story.
WARNING: Crack inside, read at your own risk
Sigh. "What is it Severus?"
The small child looked up at his father with hopeful eyes. "Can you… read me a story?"
"No. Read it to yourself."
"Father, I can't read, I'm just a small boy. Please read me a story? It's about three little lambs who—"
"LAMBS? You know what happen to lambs, Severus? They are slaughtered by wolves! Do you want me to read a story where lambs are slaughtered by wolves?"
"No daddy, I—"
The man before the small child stood. "What did you call me?" he demanded.
Severus gasped. "Father! I meant father!"
"No! You called me daddy! Now I have to bring out the sock!"
Little Severus fell to his knees. "Father no! Not the sock!"
But his cries and pleas of desperation were no use, and little Severus Snape was severely beaten by his father with a sock full of cat nip. Yes, cat nip, which really didn't hurt all that much, about as much as a pinch, but it was the idea his father would hit him with a sock that made little Severus so emotional.
Ten Years Later
Snape was now a student in Hogwart's School. He sat underneath the shade of a tree while watching Lily Evans talk to her classmates. When the Gryffindor had finished conversing, she sat down next to Snape under the tree. "Hi," she greeted.
"Hi," he replied.
"What are you doing?" Lily asked curiously.
"Looking over this spell homework, it's stressful," Snape sighed.
"Let me see it," she said. She gently took his school books and scanned them over. "Did you see the list your teacher gave you?"
"No, I must have missed that."
"Oh, well here, let me read it off to you. You'll need…"
As Lily starting reading off items from the list to Snape he smiled. He then realized that for the first time someone was reading something to him. "Lily," he interrupted.
She looked at him. "Yes?"
"Are you… is this… are you telling me a story?"
Lily giggled. "Well not exactly, but if you want I can read you a story, Severus."
"Would you really?"
"Oh Lily, you have no idea how much that means to me—"
"HEY LILY! Remus, Sirius and I were gonna go take sexy pictures in our Quidditch outfits and then buy tacos and pizza and watch Jersey Shore! Come on, come with us!" James Potter suddenly shouted from across the field.
"Jersey Shore?" Lily squeaked. "Be right there James!" She slapped Snape's books back on his lap. "Sorry Severus, I'll see you later!" she exclaimed, running off to the other Gryffindors.
Snape sat there in confusion and heartbreak. What the devil is a Jersey Shore?
Twenty Years Later
Dumbledore walked out of his bathroom from his personal chambers. He saw Snape sat down across from his desk with a grimace upon his face. The headmaster shrugged. "I'm out of matches." He sat down. "What's this about Snape?"
"That Potter boy," Severus growled.
"Yes, he has fantastic hair, doesn't he?"
"Uh… no sir… what I was going to say was…"
"Have you ever seen it billow it the wind? It just looks fantastic. I wish my beard billowed in the wind almost as great as Harry's hair. What shampoo do you think he uses? I bet he uses the best brands…"
"Sir! That Potter boy has disrespected me in my class. I want him transferred. Out of my class. And I want the orange one gone with him!"
Dumbledore eyed him seriously. "You know I can't do that, Severus."
"Why not? All you have to do is trade his classes, it won't take but a minute!" Snape yelled.
"Ah, yes, but that will be a minute I'll never get back. That one minute will be wasted, and instead I could use that minute to do more important things, like prank call Hagrid."
"I'm not following you, sir."
"No, I suppose you wouldn't. Alright, I'll switch Harry's classes as soon as I finish reading this article."
Snape's brow lifted. "An article about what?"
"Just how fantastic chicken and blue cheese would taste together."
"Chicken and blue cheese… sir, can you read this article out loud so I can hear it too?" Snape asked.
Dumbledore gave him a serious look. "You mean read you a story?"
"Well, I suppose, I'm not really sure—"
"GET OUT OF MY CHAMBERS!"
Dumbledore took a glass bottle of grape soda and broke it over his desk, pointing the sharp edge at Snape. "I SAID GET OUT!"
Thirty minutes later…
Snape had finally come to terms with the truth: his hair was thinning. Oh, and that no one was ever going to read him a story. He walked along the halls of the school as the students prepared for bed. He just so happened to walk past the Gryffindor house.
Ron was on his bed, seemingly alone, and was giggling to himself. "You. Orange boy," Snape said. Screaming, Ron threw down his book and tried to jump out of the window. "No! Stop! Don't be afraid!"
He stopped. Ron got off the window and back on his bed. "What do you want?" he asked.
"That book… why do you have it?" Snape asked.
Ron looked at his book. "It's my bedtime story."
"What's it about?"
"Three little lambs." Snape gasped. He sank to his knees. Ron saw the grown man do this and wondered if this was some prank. "Would you… like me to read it to you?" he offered.
Snape looked up at Ron. "Would you really? Would you really read me a story?"
And so Ron Weasely read Severus Snape the story about three little lambs. As it turned out, they did get slaughtered by wolves, and the ending was so disturbing to Snape he didn't sleep for three years without a nightlight.
So yeah. That was just weird. Review? I'm not expecting any reviews, but hey, if I get some, hoorah :D