As the boys of South Park grew older, their entire existence on this planet boiled down to a obtaining singular goal; sex. Ah, yes...high school boys and their precious sex! Just the possibility of having some of that sweet, sweet intercourse was all they needed to roll out of bed in the morning.
And for Kenny McCormick, this was especially true.
Kenny had been the first of the group to notice girls were not entirely icky...and that boobs were awesome. He had also been the first of their entire class to get a blowjob (even if it did end up giving him a fatal STD.) So since he was the first to hit these milestones in adolescent development, it should be no surprise that he was the first to loose his virginity too.
But who he lost his virginity to, was somewhat more surprising. At least, to Stan and Kyle when he bragged about the news that morning before first period.
"YOU DID WHAT?"
It was especially surprising to Eric Cartman.
"Yrr hrrrd mrree-"
Kenny mumbled, before unzipping his hood. He was getting a little old to be bundled up everywhere he went. He was 17 now...he was a man!
"I fucked your mom last night, man." Kenny repeated himself, now that he was visible and audible to everyone. And Cartman responded with a hard shove into a nearby locker.
"You shut the fuck up, Kenneh! This isn't funny so just shut the fuck up!"
Kenny was hardly threatened. He had known fatass way to long to actually be intimidated by him. He was all fat and talk, but no walk.
"What? I really did! Don't worry about it though, she was incredible..."
Kenny all but sighed while Cartman flared up.
"KENNEH! I'm seriousleh getting pissed off!"
"Uh Ken? How exactly did this happen?" Stan interrupted, taking Kenny aside in an attempt to save him from Cartman's wrath...but he was still curious himself.
"Yeah dude...what possessed you to bang Cartman's slutty whore mom? I mean, CARTMAN came outta that vagina!"
"AY! SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH JEW BOY!"
Kenny shook his head at Kyle and Cartman's predictable banter.
"Kyle, your rivalry with Cartman is becoming retarded. Especially if you can't see how hot Cartman's mom is just because her son is a fat asshole-"
"God dammit I hate you so much Kenneh."
"But to answer your question, Stan, Mrs. Cartman just so happens to be a regular customer of mine."'
"Ah, that explains a lot. Of coarse the town whore is also a pothead."
"KAHL! I SWEAR TO GOD-"
"Hey, there's nothing wrong with being a whore OR a pothead! Now do you wanna hear the story or not?"
Kyle and Stan gave a unified 'yes' while Cartman let out a horrified 'no.' So yes it is then!
"So I'm bringin' her the shit right, and she's waiting for me at the door in this super sexy langere and she's all 'Ooo Kenny, thank you so much for coming over on such short notice! Sorry I'm such a mess I just finished up with a client..would you like to come inside?'"
Kenny did his best Liane Cartman impression, while Kyle and Stan laughed – half with Kenny, and half at Cartman.
"So I do and we smoke a bowl. And you know it was some fucking good shit because then she's all 'Kenny you've turned out to be such a nice and handsome young man. I'm so glad you've stayed friends with Eric all these years, I wish he was more like you.'"
"AY! My mom would NEVER wish I was poor!"
"So then she's all 'I bet your fantastic in bed. The ladies at your school are very lucky!' and I confess that I haven't gotten around to loosing my pesky virginity and she's all 'oh, well I could teach you a few things' so THEN we-"
"URGH! Just shut up, Kenneh this isn't coo'!"
"Wait, where were YOU during all of this, fatass?"
Cartman crossed his arms, immediately slipping into defensive mode.
"I was out, what do you care? I'm allowed to be away from mah fucking house aren't I!"
"Jesus, calm down! I was just-"
"H-hi guys! What's goin' on?"
"Oh hey Butters."
Stan, Kyle and Kenny said in a unified, uninterested voice as the lanky blond boy in a sweater-vest took his usual spot next to Cartman, like the lackey he was.
"S-so what's going on?" He asked, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Oh nothing...I banged Cartman's mom last night though."
"No not really, Butters! Kenneh's lying!" Cartman finally snapped completely, pushing Butters aside to get up in Kenny's face...jabbing his fat finger into the smaller boys chest.
"You know what Kenneh? You're full of fucking shit! You made this all but because you've had a crush on my mom sense she told us what a rim job was in the fifth grade and ah'm gonna prove it!"
And Cartman stomped away...down the hall to an area with cellphone reception. But Butters asked the obvious anyway.
"Where's he going?"
"He's gonna call his mommy."