Disclaimer: *Eyeroll* Seriously?
Kurt was on his way to his Navigator, hurrying to get to the sale at the mall before it closed at midnight (four hours was NOT enough time to get what he wanted!). He wasn't expecting four guys in ski masks to be waiting for him outside. Kurt gasped as one of them threw him over his shoulder and carried him towards a gross looking, red pickup truck. Without even thinking about it Kurt kicked the man in the groin and was dropped as the stranger gasped and doubled over.
Kurt heard another one of the men laugh at his partner's pain, as a third tried to reach for him. Kurt kicked the man in the groin then aimed another one at his face as he kneeled over. The man fell to the ground alternating between holding his groin and face.
The one who had laughed at his partner started towards him with an 'I come in peace' guesture, but Kurt knew better than to let a potential threat come anywhere near him. The man let out a surprised gasp as Kurt took one of his hands and twisted it into a wristlock. Before Kurt could continue a familiar voice yelled, "Kurt, stop, it's us!"
Kurt turned to see Sam who had just taken off his mask and had a mixture of terror and amusement on his face. Kurt let go of the man he was wristlocking and looked around to see Puck, who was still bent over, and Finn, who was holding his hand to his nose. The fourth potential kidnapper turned out to be Mike, who was looking shocked and offended.
"You freaking idiots!" Kurt smacked Sam (the only uninjured one) on the back of the head in true NCIS fashion, "You scared the hell out of me! I was about to take out the pins I keep hidden in my clothing and stab the crap out of you!"
"Dude," Puck gasped, still holding his injured groin, "I don't think I can reproduce anymore."
"That was awesome yo!" Kurt turned to see Artie, who had his own mask pushed up over his head, wheeling towards him, "Too bad I had to hide behind the truck, I'd have liked to see you give Puck reproduction problems."
Kurt rolled his eyes and looked over at Finn, "Are you okay? I didn't break it did I?"
"No," Puck replied, staring down at his pants, "It's fine."
Kurt glared at him then turned back to Finn who pulled a red stained hand away from his bleeding nose, "I thing it's okay." He assured Kurt, "Jus' hurts real bad."
"You're like a ninja," Sam smiled, "Rachel was totally right!"
"Ninjas take nin-jitsu, I don't." Kurt clearified, "What were you guys doing?" Kurt got back on topic, "Especially at eight o' clock with such cliche masks?"
"Well," Artie began, "We were going to kidnap you and take you to McKinley where the entire glee club and some other people you know and maybe even love, await you so that they may sing a certain song and give you a certain delicious yet fattening desert."
"Don' tell him'b!" Finn gasped and waved frantically.
"Okay, Hummel," Puck said, "you know too much, get in the truck." He pointed at the horrible red pickup as if he actually thought Kurt would get in it.
"I'd rather not." Kurt replied simply and made his way over to his Navigator, still intending on going to the mall. He wasn't really a fan of birthday parties ever since his aunt Mildred had a heart attack and died while attending his tenth birthday party. He wasn't very close to her, but it was pretty scary especially because he was talking to her when it happened.
"But'd you haf' to!" Finn said as he stepped in front of Kurt, "We e'fen got Burt and mom'b to come'b!"
"Dad and Carole are their too?" Kurt groaned. He couldn't say no to that, why couldn't they have done this the next day when it was his actual birthday?
"And Blaine'd and his wierd frien'ts." Finn went on.
Kurt definately couldn't say no now, he hadn't seen his boyfriend for over a month (not counting their frequent Skype dates), "Okay." He sighed, "But I'm disinfecting that truck before I get in it."
"God, Hummel," Puck scrunched up his nose as he got out of his truck, "you made my car smell like girl."
"I will kick you in the groin again if you don't stop making fun of my feminine scent." Kurt threatened as they walked towards the school that Kurt didn't even like to be in during school.
"Wow, that's a really girly thing to say." Puck smirked and ran ahead, not doubting for a second that Kurt would follow through on his threat.
"Oh my god, Finn, what happened?" Carole gasped as she saw her son walk into the choir room and rushed over to him. Everyone was there, the glee club (even Lauren), Mr. Schue, Ms. Pillsbury (who was disinfecting the chairs), Burt and Carole, Blaine, Wes, David, and a few other Warblers. Kurt felt touched that so many people showed up.
"Kurt try't to kill us." Finn smiled proudly and pointed at his nose, "This is my battle scar."
"You broke your brother's nose?" Santanna laughed darkly.
"Maybe if they hadn't tried to kidnap me I would have been nicer." Kurt crossed his arms.
"I told you it was a bad idea." Burt said, secretly proud of his son.
"Oh my gosh," Blaine walked forward to hug his boyfriend, "my man kicks ass!"
"SURPRISE!" Brittany sprang up from where she was sitting behind a chair, not realizing that Kurt could see her the whole time.
"Wow, Brit," Kurt said as Blaine released him, "I am so surprised."
Brittany giggled, "Do you want your birthday kisses now or later?" She asked.
Burt's eyes widened as he stared at the blond, "Is there something you want to tell me kurt?"
"I'm secretly straight and dating Brittany." Kurt rolled his eyes, "No Brit, I don't want birthday kisses, I'm a dolphin remember?"
"Oh yeah," Brittany nodded, "You want birthday kisses from Blaine."
"I could do that." Blaine smiled slyly, bringing his face closer to Kurt's.
Burt cleared his throat and Blaine and Kurt pulled their heads back to avoid his wrath.
"I want a six inch distance between your bodies at all times, got that?" Burt growled, mainly at a terrified Blaine.
"Yeah, got it daddy." Kurt slid an arm around Blaine's shoulders and they went to get some cake.
"Darn that boy." Burt said to Carole, "Why does his boyfriend have to be gay? Now I have to worry about physical contact."
Carole rolled her eyes at her overprotective husband and wrapped her arms around his neck, "Don't worry, Blaine's a good kid. In fact if he was straight-"
"Oh, no, first my son, now my wife. This guy has got to go." Burt said jokingly, pecking Carole on the lips and recieving "Ew"s from their sons.
"Your dad is all over my mom'b to'dight." Finn said sarcastically.
"Your mom is trying to pressure my dad into things he's not ready for." Kurt smiled at his brother, "Also you sound funny and really need to wash that dried blood off your face."
"It's mand'ly," Finn insisted, "Rachel digs it." He nodded at Rachel who mouthed the words 'please wash your face' at him. "Love you too!" Finn really couldn't read lips.
"Here ya' go." Blaine approached Kurt with two plates of vanilla cake, "It's vegan because Rachel's dads made it. Don't complain about it going to your hips either. I wouldn't mind you weighing over seventy pounds."
Kurt giggled and took the cake.
"Nothing over eighty though!" Blaine joked.
Before kurt could take a bite of the cake, it was knocked out of his hands.
"Bad Porcelain!" Sue glared down at the boy who fixed his posture as he saw her, "I need you back on the Cheerios this year and you know what I told you about eating. Don't do it!"
"Coach Sylvester," Kurt sighed, "I don't want to be on the Cheerios anymore."
"You're lying Porcelain." Sue shook her head, "Everyone wants to be on the Cheerios, Bin Ladin sent in an audition tape just minutes before his death."
"Really?" Blaine asked, "Did he make it?"
"His back hand springs were impressive, but I have rules against terrorists." She paused and stared into space for a second, "And Canadians."
"Weren't we going to elope and move to Winnipeg?" Kurt whispered to Blaine.
"That's still the official plan." Blaine assured him quietly.
"I'll see you at practice this summer, Porcelain, stay away from potatoes." Sue stalked away, heading towards Mr. Schue to make fun of his hair and leaving the two boys in awkward silence.
"That was... odd." Blaine said finally, "What's a Cheerio anyways?"
"McKinley's cheerleading squad." Kurt replied.
Blaine choked on his cake for a second, "You were a cheerleader?"
Kurt immediately decided that he shouldn't have told Blaine, "Uh, yeah."
Blaine set his cake down and wrapped his arm around Kurt's shoulders, "Do you still have the uniform." He waggled his eyebrows.
"Ohmygod, Blaine!" Kurt laughed.
"SIX INCHES!" Burt yelled from across the room.
"Yeah, I got it Daddy." Kurt said then turned and kissed Blaine.
His dad flew across the room so fast that it was almost funny and pried them apart, "That's it, twelve inches!" He turned and glared at Blaine, "You've been warned."
The two boys waited until Burt was back across the room by Carole, then burst into laughter.
Maybe birthday parties weren't all that bad... Well as long as no one dies.
A/N: Happy very very late birthday Chris Colfer :D Please review, my devoted fans!