Apollo 18: The Nixon Files

A fix-fic by Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: Apollo 18, Portal and Doctor Whoare the properties of their respective owners. This is a non-profit fan parody, please support the official release.


November 14th, 1969

Manned Spacecraft Center, Houston, Texas

Nixon: I've got to tell you Paine, I love this whole Sesame Street thing. Muppets, Muppets!It's simply incredible. It's absolutely amazing! I tell ya, every kid in the country's going to be enthralled.

Paine: Yes Mr. President... But you know how Howdy Doody turned out.

Nixon: Oh come on, Howdy Doody was a national landmark.

Paine: It was kind of disturbing, sir.

Nixon: How?

Paine: Well, that puppet... It's eyes were kind of dead, you know? Like some creepy doll's eyes.

Nixon: Aw come on, it wasn't that bad. It was charming.

Paine: So you never dreamed of that damn puppet coming at you with a knife in the middle of the night with that dead stare and grin, your blood dripping off the shining metal?

Nixon: ... Tom? Sometimes you worry me.

Paine: Sorry Mr. President, I've been under a lot of stress.

Nixon: Well, launching a moon rocket has that kind of an effect...

Paine: That... And what I called you here for.

*They enter one of the labs currently analyzing the moon rocks recovered from Apollo 11. Nixon's Secret Service detail stays outside, along with his aide*

Nixon: The moon rocks. I've seen them before Tom...

Paine: Yes sir, but... Well... Pull on these goggles and watch it when I turn out the lights.

*Nixon does so, as does Paine. The lights go out*

Paine: Move towards the glass with me. Slowly... Keep watching...

Nixon: Tom, if this is another one of your pranks...

Paine: Pranks?

Nixon: You know, the one you and Kissinger pulled about those alien Chinese dinosaurs-

*The rock breaks open, revealing claws and spidery legs. It scuttles around and leaps towards the glass, cracking it.*

Nixon: HOLY FUCKING SHIT! SON OF A BITCH!

*The Secret Service busts in and turns the lights back on. Upon seeing the President and the Administrator of NASA being menaced by some kind of alien crab, the head of the detail does the logical thing*

Secret Service Agent: GET DOWN!

*Nixon and Paine drop down as the Secret Service opens up on the crab with their handguns, blowing it apart. Alarms go off and chemical cleaning sprinklers go off above them*

Nixon: ... Tom, please tell me this is just water...

Paine: Ah... I'm afraid not, Mr. President.

Nixon: Damnit...

*After an unpleasant chemical scrubbing and a change of clothes, President Nixon meets with Thomas Paine in a secret location to catch his breath*

Paine: "Joe's Diner"? Really Mr. President?

Nixon: Who would believe that the president of the United States was meeting in the back room of a normal Houston diner? Besides, the cheeseburgers are to die for. Gladys, ring us up a few. Extra pickles on mine.

Gladys: Of course Mister, uh, "Nickson."

Paine: Nickson?

Nixon: Tom, I just had an alien crab monster from the moon try to eat my nose. We're already in the realm of the absurd. Let me have my cheeseburger in peace.

Paine: Of course, Mr. President.

*After recovering his strength*

Nixon: So... Alien crab monsters?

Paine: Yes sir.

Nixon:You couldn't have told me by phone?

Paine: Well, after the little joke with Kissinger...

Nixon: Say no more. Little more dramatic than I would have liked...

Paine: In all honesty sir, that glass was bulletproof. I thought it would hold.

Nixon: We're not infected with anything, thank God...

Paine: Yes... We aren't.

Nixon: How many?

Paine: It was an intern from Caltech. He's infected, we don't know what it is.

Nixon: What's the prognosis?

Paine: He's being eaten alive from the inside...

Nixon: *Puts down his cheeseburger with a grimace* I see... Anyone else?

Paine: No Mr. President. It looks like we got lucky. The Apollo 11 crew wasn't touched by them. We don't know why... We don't know a lot of things, to be honest.

Nixon: Damn... How many of those things did we bring back?

Paine: Hard to say... Under pretty much every scan, the rocks look like, well... Rocks. What are we going to do?

Nixon: Simple Tom... We're going to call on another expert in the bizarre to figure this out, while I confer with my staff and the military. What if we just found the local wildlife? What if there are bigger and badder things out there just waiting to pounce? We could have a panic on our hands, if not an invasion. So, first things first: Have Apollo 12 do some basic recon, see if they can find anything of interest.

Paine: All right... But uh, who is this expert you're calling in?

Nixon: Someone absolutely no one will believe if he tells the world about this crap.

Paine: Oh no... Mr. President, you're not seriously considering-

Cave Johnson: CAVE JOHNSON! CEO of Aperture Science and big donor to the George Wallace campaign of 1968!

Nixon: Yes Cave, we're aware of this...

Paine: *Buries his face in his palms*

Nixon: One question, Cave... Why the hell are you dressed as a woman?

Cave: No diner in Houston will serve me after the Missing Astronaut hearings.

Nixon: Will they serve you now?

Cave: No, but at the very least they won't shoot me.

Gladys: YOU! *KER-CHAK!*

Nixon: You were saying?


Why? Because Apollo 18 fucking sucks, Portal and Doctor Who are awesome, and damnit Nixon was awesome in that episode. Well everyone was awesome but making Nixon likable is a rare feat in pop culture nowadays.