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Harry Potter and the Worst Muggles Imaginable
"Are you sure about this Albus? They are the worst sort of muggles imaginable."
"Professor McGonagal, I should have known I'd be meeting you here. You've seen what it's like out there. Far better he grow up far away from all that."
"Petunia dearest, I think I'm having another one of my episodes."
"Is it the dog barking again? Let me call the Doctor and have them increase your dosage."
"This is your fault, we never should have agreed to look after Ripper for Aunt Marge. The damn dog just won't stop barking!"
"It'll be ok my sweet, just take deep breaths. It's all in your head."
"Petunia, can't you understand him? CAN YOU NOT HEAR HIM! Ripper's saying the spawn of Satan is on our doorstep! It must be destroyed."
Petunia goes to open the front to prove to her beloved that the spawn of Satan is NOT on her doorstep.
"See look, there's no demons here, there's nothing out there, come see." Petunia paused as she realized that there was a baby on her doorstep.
"SEE! I TOLD YOU! THE SPAWN OF SATAN HAS ARRIVED!
"AND THAT DOG CAN TALK! WHY WON'T ANYONE BELEIVE ME! Where's my service revolver? I need to go for a drive and... do something."
"Now dearest, it's just a baby, it's certainly not-", Petunia began but was interrupted by the fevered mumblings of her husband.
"We must punish it."
"NO!" A voice Petunia has never heard before drowns out Vernons' mumblings. "You have been chosen by The Master."
Petunia turned to see Ripper, his eyes glowing red. "Yours is the hand chosen by the Master, yours is the veil of blood, yours is the sword of Michael! Remember well this day, for it is the beginning of the end of days!"
"V-V-Vernon dear, what's going on?"
"Hail the Morningstar, hail Lucifer!" As Petunia passed out, Vernon Dudley, bastard child of David Berkowitz, raised Harry Potter to the light.
"Abandoned child. FORSAKEN-Child", proclaimed Vernon. "Yes I see, the symbol of Zeus upon your brow..."
Frothing at the mouth, Vernon calmly took The-Bringer-Of-The-Apocalypse to the kitchen where he branded his Master's symbol upon the child's foot.
A gentle breeze blew through the window as Vernon read to his beloved bringer of doom. "Good night moon. Goodnight little mouse. Goodnight little Cthulu. And so, as the mystical city of R'lyeh slipped beneath the waves, Cthulu and all his friends went to sleep once more. But someday soon, when the stars are right, R'lyeh will rise again and Cthulu and all his friends will come out and play. Good night my little destroyer."
"Goodnight, Uncle Vernon."
"Hail Cthulu, Harry."
"Ya Dagon, Auntie Petunia."
"Now let me give you a kiss goodnight."
"Ewwww! Kisses are gross."
"Remember, boy, ACT NORMAL. No-one must know."
"Uncle Vernon! This snake talked to me!"
"Of course it did, my boy. You are, after all, the son of your father. The very FIRST snake. It only makes sense."
"You'll tell me more about my real father when we go home, and how the false god Yahweh cast him out of paradise?"
"Of course, Little Horn. But first, lets go get some ice cream."
"Ok, just a minute, let me set lose this imprisoned serpent."
"One second. All right, you're good. No-one is looking."
"~~Sssss hsssshhshhHSSHhs sssSHSSHhhhssssss sssSSSsssss.~~"
"~~SsSsSHHSHshhss shsHSHHSHhshss ssssss.~~"
As the snake slithered away, Vernon couldn't help but wonder what the snake was talking about.
"Oh, he just wanted to go home to Brazil. Well, after he found and killed the mean two-legs that tormented him."
"And rightly so," chimed Aunt Petunia. "Remember boys, vengeance is one of the seven Beautiful Graces bestowed upon man by Harry's real father. Just remember, when seeking vengeance not-"
"Not to get caught, and to make sure someone else is blamed," recited both Harry and Dudley in unison.
"Excellent! Now, lets go find that ice cream stand!"